Part 17.

Miraculously everyone gets permission to spend the weekend away from home. Eli's Dad is impressed by Marcia, Brett's parents are simply relieved to have their daughter hanging out with her old friends and Hannah's Aunt goes along with it because Hannah insists it is how she wants to spend her birthday weekend. They have a special family dinner on the actual day and we plan to head off on Friday after school. I am rushing around my room making sure I packed everything. Jase came over to "help" me pack the night before and managed to distract me into doing very sub-standard work. I finally just give up. We need to leave on time. I grab my suitcase and head down the stairs. Jase's brother and Marcia are chatting and Jase is hovering awkwardly at the Kitchen door. I grab him and kiss him.

"Ready to go?" I ask coquettishly.

"Yup. I'm kind of excited. If you had been able to find someone other than my brother to chaperon it would be perfect"

"Hey I am doing you kids a huge favour"Arnold insists from the kitchen.

"Yeah a free trip, a weekend away from Mum and Dad and a chance to hang out with Marcia, who you never stop going on about..." I interrupt Jase's rant tugging him toward me rolling my eyes.

"I hate to break up this outpouring of brotherly love but we should get going. Road trip! Come on guys, woohoo! Road trip!" No one returns my enthusiasm. I can tell Jase is rolling his eyes under his sunglasses. He slows me down and corrects my lead before pulling me in for another kiss this one long and passionate. I am slightly disoriented when it is over but I do catch my sister rolling her eyes and mouthing 'brothers' at me. We pile into the mini van we rented for the drive and pick up the birthday girl, Eli, Amy and Jase on our way out of town. The mood on the drive over is boisterous. We pop open a couple of bottles of champagne and drink it out of paper cups singing along loudly to the radio and telling silly jokes. It feels great to be driving away from school toward an adventure. Hannah keeps randomly declaring "I am the birthday girl!" and we all bow down and mock salute.

We reach the hotel at 7.30pm. As we pull up a hush descends in the car.

"What?" Jase asks whispering in mock reverence.

"This is where we're staying?" Hannah squeals.

"This is where we are staying" I confirm as we step out. She runs over to meet me in front of the lobby.

"This is amazing. How did you... You know what? Never mind. Thank you Aisha. Thank you". She pulls me in for a big hug.

"Wow. You cannot hold your drink." I mutter into her hair laughing.

Everyone is just milling in the lobby in a kind of hushed awe until Marcia hands me the keys to the suite and tells me to meet them in for dinner in like an hour before her and Arnold head up to their rooms.

"Did she just say a suite?" Eli joins me. He has Jase in tow. Jase is still using his cane even though Eli is leading him.

I simply smile and we follow the bellhop to the elevator the suite is on the top floor and he opens the door with a sense of drama that I appreciate. Everyone steps in and then goes absolutely nuts running around the enormous suite. Jase stands in the entry hallway his head cocked to the side as he tries to make sense of the cacophony around him. His cane just sits slackly in his hands. He has plastered on the smile of someone trying desperately to be in on an inside joke- it tries for knowing but ends up sad and unknowing. Finally he gives up and his shoulders sag in defeat. I can tell he is trying to muster up the courage to call for attention. His relief is obvious when I slip my hand in his. I feel like a shitty person for watching him for as long as I did.

"How about a tour?" I lean in and whisper.

"Start with our room" His words are full of bravado that doesn't quite reach his eyes. His hand snakes up from my hand to my forearm and he swings his cane in front of him as we walk.

"We are following the rules buddy" I laughingly reply.

I give him a tour. Eli and Brett set up th X-box they brought with them on the gigantic television in the lounge and Amy and Hannah are in the girls bedroom having a spirited discussion about what to wear to dinner.

"Hey Aisha, where are we going to dinner?" Amy comes out in her robe to ask me. I notice that Eli despite his recent declarations of love for his little sister's babysitter cannot take his eyes off of her.

"It's a pretty casual place not far from here. It said online they do noveau American cuisine." I reply.

"Cool." She pads back to the bedroom.

"I should actually go get ready. We have to leave in like half an hour. You guys should get going as well." Jase has hopped into the shower but I still lower my voice "Please try to keep shit off the floor and not to mess with Jase's stuff" I warn. I only do it because I know Jase never would.

"We're not idiots" Eli insists "Well I'm not an idiot", He gestures to Brett. Brett predictably punches him and I get out of the line of fire.

Everyone manages to make it to the lobby in half an hour and we all pile into the van again. I sit next to Jase who is looking adorable in his button down shirt and sunglasses. He smiles as I snuggle into him. We have the back of the van all to ourselves and he nuzzles my neck and rubs his hands up and down my arm and on the patch of tights peeking out between my dress and my boots. We don't talk because we don't have to. Everyone else is still caught up in the boisterous tone of the ride over from Everwood.

After we order Marcia clears her throat and lifts her glass "To the birthday girl who I hope doesn't mind that since you are all underage you will not be able to go anywhere but bed after dinner." She toasts jokingly.

Everyone rolls their eyes in response and Jase raises his eyebrows questioningly.

"She's a lightweight", I explain "It's the family curse".

The food is delicious and we all head back to the hotel. Everyone is quite tired but we gather in the lounge area of the suite to hang out.

"So I have a surprise for the birthday girl" Amy announces handing out cards to everyone.

"Daniel Oberlin? Wait? Did you get us fake IDs?" Eli turns the card over. His face goes from shocked to elated in a split second.

"What do you think?" Jase asks holding his up to his face. I laugh and turn it around so I can see the picture.

"It looks like you. Exactly like you."

"You mean, it is me."

"I think she used our student ID photos", I answer.

"What are we going to do with them?" Hannah asks her voice faltering.

"Let's hit the city. Go to a college bar or a college party. Do something!" Amy exclaims.

"Amy we could get in serious trouble for using these. For drinking. You know, drinking more, at a bar. It's not a good idea." Hannah says.

"If Hannah doesn't want to we should just stay in. We could watch a movie." I interject trying to ease Hannah's panic.

"C'mon Hannah! This is going to be so much fun. We won't get caught and you don't have to drink and we won't drive. Dude- it's your birthday! Wait I have something that will mellow you out.." She pulls a slightly crumpled joint out of her pocket.

"What is it?" Jase asks me.

"A joint. I feel like I'm guest starring in an episode of Skins right now. Drugs Amy, really? She doesn't want to drink so let's dope her up?" I ask incredulous.

"Oh please. I realise that this is your idea of a fun weekend but most people don't turn seventeen at a weekend long tea party!" She exclaims.

"Woah Amy. That isn't fair. We're all having fun and she didn't have to include your crazy ass" Brett mutters.

"Shut up Brett. You should be happy now you get to be the golden boy again!" She counters.

"Amy.." Eli rises and approaches her placatingly.

"Fuck you" She grunts pulling away from him.

We are all quiet for a moment. I can tell Jase wants to burst out laughing and I can't help but want to join him. I squeeze his arm trying to get a modicum of control.

"I'll smoke it" Hannah says seriously "Pot is worth trashing your friends and behaving like a complete brat and ruining my birthday weekend. Drugs are worth my Dad missing my birthday. Drugs must be pretty fantastic. Light it up Amy. Pass the dutchie." Her face has paled with rage and her lips are narrowed into a thin straight line.

Amy stares at her silently. Hannah grabs the joint and heads out onto the balcony pausing to grab a book of matches off the table. I get up off Jase's lap and pull him up with me. We head on to the balcony to find Hannah taking her first hit.

"You're good at that" I observe as we step onto the balcony. I lead Jase on to the couch. It is freezing so I turn on the outside fire place.

"Yeah well I am the daughter of a raging drug addict so.." She trails off.

"You shouldn't be doing this Hannah" I begin.

"Well I am. Would you like a hit?" She asks settling in to the couch next to Jase and offering him the joint.

"Um. Sure" He replies uncertainly. She carefully places the lit joint in his hand. He reaches down and stubs it out on the floor.

"What the hell Jase!" she exclaims.

"Look Hannah- Your friend just went off on you and there's all that stuff with your Dad. You don't need this right now." Jase responds calmly.

"I don't need this? Have you guys tried it before?" She asks accusingly.

We both nod.

"This weekend is about being a normal teenager, right? Well normal teenagers try weed without panicking that they will turn into their junkie fathers or messed up friends. I just want to try it. I want to get smashed on my birthday- I'll go back to being boring, stick in the mud me tomorrow." She sighs bending down to pick up the joint at Jase's feet.

"Hannah I know this isn't a terrible thing that your doing. It's just some weed but you shouldn't have let Amy get to you. We like you just the way you are. " I say changing tact I sit on the other side of the couch sandwiching Jase between us.

"Yeah well, I'm tired of being scared. I don't like that about me" Hannah sighs. She picks the blunt up and is trying to squash it back into shape.

"You don't have to prove anything to her" I reply "But you also can't smoke that thing alone. Pass it round. I want a hit." I don't want her to try and smoke the whole thing alone. I take it from her and light it up. I take a drag and pass it to Jase turning to face Brett and Eli as they step on to the balcony.

"Amy left. We came bearing tequila and the rest of her stash." Brett announces.

"Where did she go?" I ask.

"Don't know. Do not really care. I am so sorry Hannah. I thought she was.. getting better" Brett sits next to her and gives her a side hug. Eli sits on the easy chair. He takes the joint from Jase and he takes a hit.

"What happened to her?" I ask mellowing out and sinking into Jase luxuriating in the feel of his shirt against my face. I can hear his heart beat. He puts his arm around me.

"Colin. He was my best friend. Her first love. He died." Brett explains pouring out shots and handing them out.

"Wow. I'm sorry Brett" and I mean it.

"Whatever. My Dad's a druggie, Eli's Mum is dead, Jase is blind, Both of Aisha's parents are dead; we all have our sob stories and yet somehow we all manage not to behave like assholes. Amy was just being an asshole nothing happened to make her that way" Hannah says contentedly as she rubs her hands along her face.

We all look at each other and Jase solemnly raises his glass "To our sob stories and to not being assholes!" He declares. We all join him toasting with mock solemnity before dissolving into peals of laughter. Brett suggests a drinking game and rolls another joint. We play the game and Eli plays some music off his Ipod. We dance for a bit. Eli suggests a swim so we all head downstairs still fully dressed. We get to the pool and strip down to our underwear and jump in. We fool around in the pool a little before heading back to the room. It's 4 am and we are in the lounge bundled up in blankets we stripped off the beds. Brett is cuddling Hannah as we watch a movie. I am holding Jase's hand and he is playing with my fingers not really paying attention to the movie. Brett kisses Hannah so sweetly and softly I want to look away so I don't cheapen it by watching. We hear someone fumbling at the door. I go to open it. It's Amy, wearing one shoe. I step aside to let her in.

"What happened to your shoe?" I can't help but ask. She glares at me and stumbles into the room. Hannah rolls her eyes at me. This seems to mark the end of the evening as everyone heads to bed. Brett gives Hannah a kiss goodnight and I pull out the sofa into a bed. I pull Jase down next to me.

"What a weird night" He sighs. I laugh and kiss him. Maybe it is the booze, the weed or the fact that we are in the city away from his parents but we go a lot further than we ever have. Usually one of us will chicken out and pull back but we just go for it and the only sounds are our breathing and the gentle creaking of the sofa bed as we shift our weight. We fall asleep in each others arms.

I wake up in a tumble of limbs and the sound of the phone ringing. I stumble bleary eyed to the phone.

"Hello?" I clear my voice while I answer.

"Hey! You guys should start getting up and meet us for breakfast in like an hour so we can figure out how to spend the morning. Was everything alright last night?" Marcia's voice pours down the line.

I survey the room- it isn't trashed but it isn't tidy. Jase is sprawled on the bed wearing only his underwear.

"It was good. We um just hung out and it got kind of late. I'm going to go start trying to get people up. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." She trills hanging up the phone.

I walk back to the sofa bed and look at my boyfriend. He has a line of drool on his chin but he looks so completely unguarded when he sleeps. A patch of sunlight struggles through a gap in the curtains and hits his bare chest dissecting each hair.

"I can feel you staring," He groans.

"Sorry," I answer slipping into bed next to him. He puts his arms around me.

"We shouldn't have slept together" He says after a beat of silence.

"We didn't. We slept in the same bed," I clarify.

"And now every time I don't fall asleep next to you is going to suck" He groans opening his eyes.

I think "I love you" but I don't say it. Instead I grunt and tap the back of his hand with his cane before running off to the girl's bedroom. The tension is so thick I swear I can see those shimmering cartoon heat lines radiating off the beds where Amy and Hannah are rooting through there suitcases and being furious at each other. I sigh quietly as I head to the bathroom. Once I am spotted though my role becomes evident- I am to play the net in their game of anger tennis.

"You know Aisha I am really glad that you organized this. You are a good friend and not at all self destructive or spiteful" She tells me glaring pointedly at Amy.

"Or passive aggressive or a fucking doormouse" Amy adds glaring back. My head hurts, I excuse myself to shower. I stand under the water a long time steeling myself for the day ahead. I scrub everything twice knowing I should be figuring out how to make peace between Amy and Hannah. My mind ricochets between love, Jase and sex. Do I really love him? The impulse to just say it was incredibly strong but I am 16 years old- what on earth do I even know about love? I know about losing it, obviously. How do I know that loving Jase isn't just lusting after him? Can it be both? Does he love me? What would my Dad think of him? What would they think of our new life? Jase doesn't know anything about my old life.

"Um.. Aisha? Everyone else is kinda ready to head out?" Jase's voice shakes me from my thoughts.

"Sorry. Coming." I dry off quickly, slather on some lotion and put on my underwear before throwing on a robe and heading out of the bathroom to find some clothes. Jase is waiting by the door.

"Hannah and Amy may actually kill each other. My money is on Hannah though, I swear she sounds taller than she did yesterday." He grins impishly. A laugh escapes my mouth.

"Jase I know you can't see me but it is weird getting dressed with you in the room..." I trail off.

Colour floods his cheeks "You're getting dressed?" He clears his throat.

"I haven't started could you, excuse me?" I ask. He nods already moving to the door. He miscalculates the width of the door and bangs his shoulder but it doesn't even register and he hurriedly shuts the door.

Five minutes later we are all headed down to the restaurant for brunch. I am leading Jase- his hand is clasped above my crooked elbow. He is using his cane as well but I think he is just nervous about strange surroundings. The conversation in the group is stilted as every comment Hannah makes elicits a loud groan/ eye roll combination. Hannah has been taking it patiently but I can tell she is near her boiling point. I catch Eli's eye and silently call him over. I give Jase a reassuring squeeze before pull off his hand and switch the lead on to Eli. Without saying anything I walk over to Amy and pull her away from the group signaling to Brett to keep the group moving. Once I decide that we are a safe distance away to make a scene I just face her and look her up and down taking in her bloodshot eyes and poor little me demeanor and allowing myself to finally feel the anger that has been brewing.

"We're going to go the front desk and I am going to call you a cab and you can go home, okay?"

"What?" She protests.

"I am so sick of your shit. You are rude and mean to your friend who really wanted to spend the weekend with you. I get that you are damaged and sad and "dark and twisty" but our little group will do just fine without our personal version of Meredith Grey. You are just tedious to be around Amy so please, give Hannah a proper birthday present and fuck off!" Without intending to my voice had risen to a shout. The hallway wasn't crowded but the maid pulling a laundry trolley seemed suitably horrified by my language.

"Are you serious?" Amy looks at me with surprise but also something next to respect in her eyes.

"How long did you think I was going to take it?"

"Um.. I didn't think about it. Look, you don't have to escort me out. I'll just pack and take the bus back." She says.

"Don't take the bus. They'll be a car waiting to take you back. Bye." I turn and quickly walk away.

The table hushes when I approach it. I smile when I see the empty seat next to Jase and quickly give my sister a peck on the cheek and smile at Arnold before claiming it.

"I hope you guys didn't wait for me to order" I smile, checking out the menu.

"Um. We didn't" Jase addresses me slowly like he is talking to a mentally unstable person.

"Did you kick her ass?" Brett asks in a reverent whisper "I mean, she's my sister so I kind of have to be not okay with that.." he trails off uncertainly.
"Amy decided to leave" I state simply flagging down the waiter to order.
Everyone turns to look at Hannah who takes in the information calmly before returning to her pancakes.
"So I was thinking Hannah, Aisha and I could go shopping and then spa before our big night at the Theatre. What do the boys want to do?" Marcia says changing the subject.
"I thought a day hanging out by the pool before watching the big game at lunch time and then the theatre" Arnold says. None of the boys seem thrilled with the plan. Eli isn't big on sports and Brett and Jase probably want to spend time with their girlfriends.
"How about the girls go shopping and we all meet for lunch and figure it out from there?" I suggest.
"It's a plan. Brett you should call your parents and let them know that Amy is on her way home." Marcia suggests.
"Could I come to the mall with you? I need some help picking something out." Jase asks shyly. I smile wondering what it is that has got him so flustered.

"Of course. Is it for me?" I ask coquettishly.
"It's for my Mum. Her birthday is next week and I wanted to get something for Hannah as well." He replies.
We chat easily on our way to the mall recommended by the hotel concierge. I tell Jase that we have to focus on getting Hannah's stuff out of the way first. Marcia and I attack the stores pulling out racks of stuff for Hannah to try on. Hannah's personal style could best be described as.. modest. I make her try on stuff that she never would but pretty soon she is flouncing around and posing. My sister and I always try on stuff first and then go back for the clothes that really stick out in our minds- the stuff we cannot live without. So after an hour of trying on clothes we head back to Anthropologie and Hannah pays for the sweetest little dress that fits her perfectly. Jase and I secretly pay for the accessories that I picked out that will be our birthday present. We then head off to pick something out for his mother.
"I think this is really sweet of you" I say as we head off to bed bath and beyond to try and pick out something that matches his vague suggestion of 'girly smelling bath crap'.
"Didn't you buy your parents birthday presents?" He smirks.
"All the time. We used to make stuff- dinner, write poetry once we even wrote a song but I thought that sons were supposed to be hideously insensitive," I joke.
"They are but I think we both know that I am an exceptional human being" He laughs.
We stroll through the store. Jase is patient waiting for me to spot something I think may be right. After a while I give up and direct us to the exit heading toward Sephora.
"You never talk about them" Jase observes. I turn to him still holding the sampler stick I had been smelling.
"Talk about who?" I ask reaching to grab a tangerine bottle while placing the sampler stick in Jase's hand for his opinion.
"Your parents. That was like the first time you've ever mentioned them or life before Everwood. I know you think about them- sometimes your voice gets really far away even though you try to hide it. When you are ready- I'd love to hear about them, about your old life" He says it steadily holding my gaze.
A part of me recognizes how sweet it is to have a boyfriend willing to say those things. A bigger part cannot breathe and can barely see for the hot fat tears welling up in my eyes. For a second I want to run out of the store but no matter how angry I am with him I am not going to leave Jase in this store alone. I have finally stumbled on to the major downside of having a blind boyfriend- never ever storming out of a public place and leaving him there. I take a deep breath but the tears are still pouring fast and hot and furious so I pull him out of the store and down an empty corridor where I find a bench that I sit on. My hands are shaking and when Jase reaches out to hold them and feels them tremble I think he realizes how upset I must be. He pulls me in for a hug but I shrug him off.
"Aisha?" He sounds so worried.
I try to pull myself together to answer but my silent crying gives way to noisy coughing sobs.
"You can't just bring them up like that. I think about them all the time Jase. All the time. I don't talk about them because the only way I know how to get up in the morning and go to school and smile and laugh and pretend that every minute without them doesn't make me feel so... orphaned... so fucking adrift that I don't even know which way is up anymore. Is that what you want to know? What you want us to talk about?" I slump on to the bench totally spent.
"Yes," He answers. For a second all I can do is stare at him gobsmacked. He doesn't even look phased.
"What?"
"Yes. I want to talk about that. I can't even imagine what it's like for you but if you told me about that stuff I could be there for you. Hold your hand or" He breaks off rummaging in his pocket for something "Hand you a tissue" He smiles as he hands me a tissue.
"Amy told us that you said you had cancer before. Is that true?" He asks after I take the tissue from him.
"Yeah" I sniff.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" He asks.
"We had so much other stuff in common it didn't really seem important" I joke weakly. He smiles and squeezes my hand waiting for the real answer.
I take a deep breath "It was a long time ago Jase. It didn't seem important" I answer. The truth is I have no idea why I didn't tell him that. He is still quiet. He sits on the bench so still waiting for me to speak.
"I'm sorry" I say.
He squeezes my hand again and pulls me back in for a hug. I sniff loudly and laugh because it has been such a telenovella of a morning.
"I'm a mess" I smile. Everything is starting to feel less far away.
"You're beautiful" He states "and real and so incredibly brave and strong. I love you".
I pause for a second. Nothing prepares you for hearing these words for the first time. I feel breathless but also like I could take on army right now, like I could do anything with Jase near me.
"I love you too" My voice is strong and clear. I need him to know that I have no doubts, no hesitation.
His smile is radiant as he pulls me in for a kiss. We are young, in love and, for a moment, invincible.

Part 16.

"So what do you Americans do for birthday parties? I want to be as culturally sensitive as I can be when planning this thing.." I ask Jase on our way to school the next day.

"I'm sure it's pretty much the same.. I mean you guys bathe the birthday girl or boy in extra virgin olive oil and re- enact the birth before cutting the cake right?"

"Har"

"Are you sure a party is what Hannah needs right now?" He asks tentatively.

"What do you mean? It's her birthday.." I am about to launch into a sarcastic explanation about the historical links between parties and birthdays when he interrupts me.

"No I know. It's just from what you said about the bathroom incident she is bothered about her Dad relapsing. Maybe being a better friend in this situation means talking about it. Letting her freak out about and not throwing her a birthday party." He expounds patiently.

I run my fingers through my hair exasperatedly.

"I mean sure but I'm English" I am trying to change the tone of the conversation because I know he is right.

"Haha. Now a serious response.." He prompts.

"This is what I know how to do. I'm good at.. distractions and running away. I'm here if Hannah wants to talk but I would be a hypocrite to try and force her to deal."

"Okay." He nods solemnly.

"Okay?" I am confused by how quickly he lets it go.

"Yup. Okay. How can I help?"

"What do normal American teens do for their 17th birthdays?"

"I actually have no idea. This whole normal teen thing is new to me too. At school we would have cake and games and stuff.." He trails off.

"Would your parents come visit?"

"Not unless it was on a weekend usually they would call and send a gift. Why don't you ask Hannah what she wants?"

"I actually did my research on that. Did you know Hannah is a huge musical theatre fan but has never actually seen like a professional show? I was thinking we could all go to Boulder and see Next to Normal for her birthday. What do you think?"

" Teenage boys and girls unsupervised on what I assume has to be an overnight trip to a big city to see a musical that deals with mental illness. Yup I honestly do not see how that wouldn't work out." He teases.

"Do not underestimate me my friend. I have a plan. Hey, are we still going to Nina's after school?"

He turns to face me and grins. My heart constricts because he is so cute.

"Of course we are."

I park the car just as the bell rings for the start of class. After school I am shuffling down the corridor heading to the room where the school paper staff meets. I'm a little late but I think the editor will be pleased with my latest piece. I'm kind of lost in my thoughts so it isn't surprising when I run into someone. I mutter an apology and bend over to help pick up the stuff now scattered on the floor.

"Oh hey- how's it going so far?" It's Hannah's friend Amy. She looks better than the last time I saw her. Her hair looks washed at least.

"It's cool so far. How are you?"

"Medicated" She smiles wryly and I can't help but laugh.

"I could tell something was different. Is it a good different or a bad different?"

"A slightly better different different" She picks up the last pencil brushing her hair out of her face.

"Do you work on the paper?" I ask because it is the only activity that runs on a Wednesday afternoon.

"Uh no. I have a lot of detention to do this semester." She looks kind of embarrassed about it. So much for the tough girl act.

"So Hannah's birthday is coming up and we were going to go down to Boulder and see a musical. Please say that you'll come? Hannah really misses you." I realise I'm laying it on a bit thick but I really want her to come.

"Look I'm late for newspaper but we're all meeting at Nina's at like 5 to hang out. I can give you a ride if you want?"

She nods.

"Okay cool. It's the blue Prius. I'll catch you outside after I'm done. Later." By now I am running to the room. I dodge the editor's annoyed look and settle into a chair in the back. I work diligently for an hour before we all put the paper to bed.

As I head outside a part of me is expecting Amy to flake on me but there she is leaning against the car smoking a cigarette and running her fingers through her long blonde hair.

"Hey" She raises her arm in a greeting.

I open the car and shove my bag in. She settles into the passenger seat.

"Do you mind?" I ask gesturing to the cigarette. Stares blankly at me.

"Are you going to give me the whole spiel about how smoking is bad for me?" She asks her voice tinged with hostility.

"Um no. You can do whatever you want but I've had cancer before and it is not something I care to revisit. This is pure selfish self preservation." I answer cheerfully.

"Right. I'm sorry." She flicks it out of the car as I pull out of the school.

We drive the rest of the way in a semi comfortable silence. As we enter Nina's Jase, Eli and Brett are already sitting in the booth laughing about something. Eli looks up and spots us. He seems confused that Amy is with me but gives her a little half smile and waves at me sliding out of the booth where he is sitting next to Jase. Jase looks puzzled for a second but smiles as he feels me slide in next to him and kiss him on the cheek.

"Awwwwww!" Brett says loudly.

Jase blushes and I laugh.

"So is this really happening?" He points at the two of us "Because I was rooting for you two crazy kids all along."

That seems to close the subject as far as Brett is concerned. Jase and I are a couple and that is it. I shoot him a half smile wondering at the perfect nothingness of our time together. I have a feeling those days are behind me. Eli is deep in conversation with Jase and Amy. I clear my throat to get their attention.

"Sorry to interrupt but we need to talk about this before Hannah gets here. Hannah's birthday- how does everyone feel about a trip to Boulder to celebrate? Before you answer- I have sorted out the transport, accomodation and bought the tickets for the musical. This weekend. Can I count you all in?"

Everyone just stops and stares at me. Jase is shaking his head and his face is turning pink with poorly concealed mirth. I nudge him brutally to remind him of the role he is supposed to play here. The role of supportive boyfriend. He clears his throat rubbing his arm where I hit him.

"I'm in. I'll tell them the boys and girls will be sleeping in separate rooms and my brother will be chaperoning- sorry in advance for that- that the evening would consist of dinner and the theatre and nothing more and we would all be home by Sunday afternoon."

"Is all that true?" Eli asks. I nod in response. "Well then awesome. I am not grounded and my Dad is not great at parenting so I am in."

"My parents may be tougher so I may just ride on Brett's coattails when he asks" Amy mumbles.

"Brett is your brother?"

"Amy is my sister." He corrects with a smile.

I know better than to push harder. They all want to come so I just hope that their parents are in on it. We finish just in time. Hannah walks into the cafe and lights up when she spots us and rushes over.

"Hey everyone. Hey Brett" she blushes as she sits down and it dawns on me that Hannah has the hugest crush on Brett! How on earth did I not spot this before. I spend the rest of the time just watching them together. Hannah blushes every time they touch even when it is accidental, especially when it is accidental. She laughs at all his jokes and watches him like a puppy. She has got it bad. Jase reaches for my hand under the table and I give it a squeeze. All at once it hits me that I am sitting here in a new place with entirely new friends. This is my new life.

Part 15.

On Monday I am standing outside of his Math class waiting for Jase to finish speaking to the teacher when Hannah walks by looking pink with emotion. She avoids making eye contact when I wave and I catch the sheen of about to fall tears. Shouting her name I rush after her. She shakes her head but I pull her into a hug and half drag her into the bathroom away from prying eyes.
She rushes to the sink and splashes cold water on her face vigorously trying to get her emotions under control. I just watch her for a second before grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser and silently handing them to her.
"Thanks" she sniffles wiping her glasses on her sleeve before putting them back on her face.
"Anytime" I return my voice full of concern. Another silence. I'm about to cave and ask her what happened when she slumps on to the floor and buries her head in her hands. Cringing at the thought of the number of germs that must make their happy homes on bathroom floors I join her, patting her arm awkwardly.
"What's wrong Hannah?" I ask.
"It is so stupid," she pauses taking a deep wet breathe "I was really hoping that my parents would come down for my birthday. My Dad seemed to be doing okay and I really wanted to see them. So I get a call from my Mum and he relapsed and she can't come without him and so I'm stuck alone. On my 16th birthday just because my stupid junkie Dad couldn't hold it together for a few more days.." She trails off her voice is hard and bitter but I've never seen my friend look so fragile. She looks like her insides have been scrubbed raw. The contrast is shocking. We've talked about her parents before. We've talked about my parents before and every now and again I've caught glimpses of how much the whole situation hurts her. I mentally kick myself for not being a better friend. For being so caught up in my own drama I forgot to ask about how she was doing with everything.
"We could throw a party" I blurt out without even thinking. Hannah just stares at me with an expression that is slowly warming from tragically heart broken to bemused. I think this is a good sign.
"For your birthday. We could have it at mine- invite the whole group Brett, Amy, Eli and Jase could bring along some hotties from the track team. I may even be able to bribe my sister into getting us some champers to toast you with. Music, dancing- it would be fun...." I finish lamely staring at the tiled floor. What is wrong with me? I squeeze her hand and begin to get up of the floor before continuing.
"This Saturday. Invite everyone you want and I will take care of everything. Do you want a ride home? I'm taking Jase.." I offer her my hands and she grunts as she heaves herself off the floor.

"A party, huh?" She smiles slowly clearly warming to the idea.

"Do you want to talk about your Dad and stuff? I'm here to listen Hannah. Anytime." I tell her. She just nods.

We find Jase standing awkwardly in the middle of the corridor.

"Where were you?" He asks with more than a tinge of irritation in his voice. He pulls his hand away when I try to take it.

"We um," I falter when Hannah shoots me a nervous look "I'm sorry. We got caught up in bathroom gossip", I amend giving Hannah a reassuring smile.

"Aisha is throwing me a birthday party", Hannah chirps. I can tell Jase hears the false note in her voice but he lets it go. He snaps open his cane and heads toward the car him not wanting to be lead is a pretty clear sign that he will want a proper apology and explanation later on. I sigh gesturing to Hannah that we should get to the car.

The journey home is awkward as hell. Hannah tries to keep up the conversation with her bizarre Mary Poppins impression, Jase replies in barely audible grunts and I am for the most part silent bracing myself for the coming fight. We drop Hannah off and I drive for a bit before pulling to the side of the road.

"Why did you stop?" Jase asks. I was expecting him to sound angry, he just sounds tired and kind of sad.

"I didn't want to be driving when we fought. It's like the plot of a cheesy RnB music video where they fight and get into a car crash and one of them dies and you would have to like scream at the sky wearing white billowing pants" I explain, he doesn't even crack a smile.

"I understand if you want to hang out with your friends instead of dragging around some blind guy but you should let me know so I can make other arrangements" His voice is flat. The sound terrifies me more than what he is saying.

"Um.. what? Hannah needed to talk. She was really upset. I'm sorry I kept you waiting but there is no way you actually believe I think of you as just some blind guy" I pinch the bridge of my nose as I answer.

"What do you think of me as?" He asks.

"My boyfriend", I answer immediately.

"Your secret boyfriend?" He asks

"Secret? I told Hannah, My sister and I even told Eli since I saw him the day after our date. I could take out an ad in the paper if you like..." I stop since his whole expression tells me he feels like a total jackass. We sit in total silence when I suddenly think I understand.

"Am I your first girlfriend?" I ask.

"You are the first girl who has ever liked me like this and I am just not sure why you do.." He trails off squirming in his seat like a little boy.

"So you are freaking out?" I ask with a smile I hope he can hear in my voice.

"A little" He answers. The squirming lessens slightly.

"I am too", I admit.

"I mean our date it was great", He enthuses.

"Perfect", I interject.

"No awkward silences. We laughed. We talked forever. We kissed goodnight but the whole time I kept thinking.. what next?" He sounds genuinely puzzled.

"I have no idea how to be a girlfriend" I burst out laughing.

"I have no idea how to be your boyfriend" He echoes.

"It's not just that. It's you. I really do not want to screw up. For the first time I really care about the outcome" I admit.

"I feel the same way" He sighs.

"So our first fight is about how much we like each other?We really suck at this." I joke.

"I don't care if you screw up. I can take it, we're going to make mistakes. I'm in this" Jase states solemnly.

I lean in and kiss him.

"Thank you" I whisper and he pulls me in for a hug and holds me for a long time.

"Next time I'm going to keep you waiting I'll send you a text" I say.

"Um no you don't have to. That was actually really pathetic of me. You have full permission to punch me the next time I get so down on myself. I avoid self pity like ebola" He explains.

"Deal" I agree pulling in for another kiss.

There was a boy a boy who filled all the space in my tiny studio
Whose grotty rucksack filled my one room with strange
boy- manly bits and bobs
Every corner overpowered by his
boy-manly smell

His hands moved when he spoke
Urging me to pay attention
to follow along
to respond
He leaned forward when I spoke
His hands still
but still drawing out my words
They ran to him
Leapt into his waiting hands
still but beckoning
My words like neglected puppies.

There was a boy, a boy who took up all the room
Who touched me without asking
Without hesitation as if referencing some prior agreement
Like my body was nothing more than an extension of his
to give pleasure and to take it
I have never wanted to belong to anyone
But I co opted my body and we owned them both jointly
My skin flushed at my touch
His breathe quickened with his kiss
His breast and my hand and my dick and his lips and it was all
a jumble

There was a boy who took up all the room
and filled everything with a thing that I never knew existed
A thing that made me want to open up and open wide and let it all in
brimming and gagging
Wipe the excess of my face with the back of my hand smiling indulgently at the waste
at the abundance.
I couldn't stop smiling even in the dark
My feet pressed lightly against his- confirming
As we shared secrets and dreams and plans
And listened to eachothers breathing and teased
Giggling
I could not stop smiling because it felt like the beginning of everything
I never knew to hope for
Of what life was meant to be like.

And he sent out three words
emissaries in the dark that held in them
A promise and a prison and hope and a tremor of uncertainty
Their weightlessness took my breath away.

There was a boy who left behind so many empty spaces
and I knew through him how awful and lonely this world can be
Before I didn't know any better
How do you thank someone for a lesson that cannot be unlearned?

This is a new place
She noted that as she looked around
A place she knew nothing about
That knew nothing of her
A new place, its nature still unknown
surface unscratched
secrets unsold.

This new place seemed impossible
When judged from the cusp of
the old
The place she thought she once knew
(truth be told- already fading)
That she hoped knew something of her
(truth be told- seems unlikely)
The chasm between the old and new is where she stood poised
For a long while
deciding- to leap or surrender
The old place was no place for the living
The new place was no place for you
And so suspended- she toyed with both
static, stasis, stuck
Apologising over and over to ghosts
who have abandoned the language of forgiveness
who refuse to negotiate
A thousand? she offers-
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry for letting go- for contemplating jumping
for being seduced my momentum.
For waking up every morning to find a new little piece lost
The specifics of a smell- underneath the cologne, the toothpaste
the deoderant
What was that underneath smell?

She knows with a terrible certainty that even on the cusp
things are lost- piece by piece blown over the edge
This is how entire mountains are lost
Deserts shifted
sorry sorry sorry sorry
"They do not respond
which must mean, hang on, keep trying, keep paying" she reasons.
sorry sorry sorry sorry
In truth no one is listening- no one is there
and the ghosts that offer no replies
have moved by their own waves to their own new place.

"Given the impossibility of truly hanging on to things
The new place isn't good or bad- just new
And further away from you"
she jumps
And lands on her feet
(which is a pleasant surprise)
In a new place.

The taste of metal fills my mouth

It starts in the back of my throat and creeps forward,

Someday is closer today than it ever has been

As I waited for the big bang that signalled the beginning

I missed the chequered flag

My life may have started without me.

I was young

I didn't feel my dreams turn into compromise

turn into excuses

turned to delusions

I didn't feel the point where my studied cynicism

turned into actual cynicism

turned into genuine jadedness

Stopped being cool

Made me cold

I look around and all my promise

has turned to shit

And every year I am less and less

of what I was supposed to be.

part 14

Over the next month Jason and I fall into a routine. I drive us to school, we go to class, we have lunch with Brett, Eli and Hannah and after school I drive us to a secluded spot that Eli told me about and we make out for a couple of hours before heading home to start on our homework. On Wednesday and Friday I practice with Eli and on Saturdays we go to the skate park and try out tricks. The weeks fly by and before I know it I have been living in Everwood for six weeks. Everyday it gets easier but the key is routine. Luckily Marcia has always been a control freak so the house runs smoothly powered by lists and rotas. We haven't spoken about our parent's since the night she broke down- we talk about everything else though; school, what we ate and boys. Marcia started dating the deputy sheriff Mark. He is sweet and good looking in an extremely conventional sense but he is a small town boy in every good and bad sense and I wonder how long he will be able to hold my sister's attention. Although judging from the very loud noises from her bedroom and the spring in her step the next morning there are other factors at play. I've been thinking about sex a lot. Everything feels so distant nowadays. I'm terrified to engage with my life because there are so many uncontrollable elements. Making out with Jason connects us but in small controlled doses. Sex seems like the perfect way to just feel something good and up the dosage. I find it a bit tricky to rationalise away the huge holes in my theory so I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I'm more sure. It is really hard to control myself when we are hot and heavy in the car.

It starts to snow. Winter comes on hard and fast in Colorado. One week in and it seems like it has always been this cold and will always be this cold. The Londoner in me knows there isn't a point in complaining at least winter here has a romantic ferocity to it. It beats dreary grey. Jason would beg to differ. He sits on my bed on a snowy Friday afternoon complaining about his brother as we listen to music.

"I'm going to stop you right there grumpy pants" I sigh covering his mouth and stopping him mid sentence "We both know you are annoyed because we can't skateboard today and because of what happened yesterday. It wasn't bad, hardly anyone saw and no one laughed so just chill out and enjoy the fact that we are warm and toasty indoors, Eli has detention and it is perfect make out weather" I lean in close initiating a kiss but he stiffens and pulls away.

"No one laughed because they felt sorry for me" he grumbles. I pause before I reply kicking myself for bringing it up.

"No one laughed because it wasn't funny. A dumb kid intentionally ignores the wet floor sign slips and lands on his bum in the middle of the hallway; that is funny. You can't see the sign so the element of wilful stupidity is gone and it stops being funny. You throw the comedic formula off balance." I explain animatedly.

"That isn't all there is to it and you know it"

"Maybe not entirely but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've fallen, right? It probably won't be the last and now that you're mainstreaming there might always be someone to watch again, probably..." I trail off.

"So I should just get over it?" He asks cocking his eyebrow and leaning against me. The heat of his body against mine makes me wish we could stop talking.

"Your words but yes. You should." I can tell he has softened so I try again for the kiss. He returns it briefly before pushing me away. He keeps his hands on my shoulder before finding my face and cupping both his hands around it. I hate it when he does this. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

"What? I hate to be an ass but you are giving me serious blue balls here" I joke appropriating the Brett's crude frat boy lingo.

"Do you want to go out? On a date. On Saturday?"

"A date? Don't you think we are kind of past that?" I smile suggestively.

"I've been thinking about it and this has been fun but I don't want to be friends with benefits with you. I want to be with you. In a couple. As the boyfriend. This could really be something."

"I thought you weren't ready?"

"I am now" He replies quietly determined.

My heart is thumping in my chest. I know that if I say yes I am saying yes to a lot more than a date. I am scared shitless of what "more" might entail. Jason dropped his hands from my face and is fiddling with them on his lap as he waits for a response. I realize that as uncomfortable as I am with feeling that vulnerable I hate it even more when he stops. A random memory pops into my head my Dad said that falling in love with my Mother after his first wife left him was one of the most scary things he had ever done and when I asked why he did it he told me that not being with her was more terrifying.

"I'd like that" I clear my throat hoping he didn't hear the catch in my voice. I know he did though. He smiles sweetly finding my face and instead of kissing me he just rests his nose against mine. I smile because of what a strange thing it is to do. After a beat I kiss his nose and move away laughing.

"Okay well I'll leave on that high note. See you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7" He says as he finds his cane and backpack preparing to leave.

"You'll pick me up?"

"Just be ready by 7" he laughs as he heads out the door. I stop myself from offering to guide him to his house. He gets extremely annoyed when people don't trust him to know what he can handle. Still I watch him navigate the stairs from my bedroom trying to be stealthy. I know I am busted when he at the bottom of the stairs he turns his gaze upwards and sighs melodramatically "If you're going to spy you may as well take me home. I'll probably need some help with the snow."

part 13

The most awful thing about drinking is that just when you have the perfect buzz going and nothing seems to matter and everything is hilarious you are periliously close to tipping over into ugly, sloppy, way too honest and slutty drunk. My head is swimming. We met up with Brett and Eli at Nina's. Brett was showing off his new fake ID which he took for a spin at a local convenience store. I paid for the booze so we were able to afford quite a bit. Brett's sister Amy met up with us and we headed to Eli's basement. Someone put on some music and I began to hand out shots of tequila. Although I have probably been drinking a lot more than these guys because of England's much laxer attitudes toward alcohol I am not what anyone would consider a heavy weight and four shots in I am grinding against Amy without a care in the world. The boys are being lame and not dancing so we are having our own party passing the bottle between us. Brett is staring intently at me and I move my body in response to his gaze getting a high off of his attention and the fact that the boy I do like is in the corner jamming with Eli. He plays the drums while Eli messes around with a jazz riff on the piano. Bored with Brett's attention I stumble over to Jase placing myself awkwardly on his lap and laying my head in the crook of his shoulder trying to supress a booze belch. Jase runs his hands through my hair "Someone's a little drunk" he cooes sympathetically. "Will you take me outside please Jase?" I can feel myself starting to cry and I don't want to freak anyone out. Luckily his drunken confidence means he doesn't think too hard about the logistics of my request before acquiescing. Between us we manage to stumble out of the basement and into the cool air. I breathe in deeply willing the cool air into my flustered brain. Jase is standing uncertainly by the door with his hand on the door frame. We stand there in silence as I sober up. "I think I should get you home- it isn't too far to walk from here. I'll come back for my car tomorrow" I suggest. He is visibly relieved that I have come up with a plan. We grab our coats shouting quick good byes in the direction of the basement and set off into the cool night. The sound of Jase's cane clicking against the pavement punctuates our footsteps. A wave of nausea crashes over me and I dry heave into the bushes. After a while some vomit actually comes out and once my stomach is empty I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt not caring how disgusting it is. Jase hands me his handkerchief and I thank him for it. We find his house and I drop him off wishing him luck with facing his Mother and promising to be there to take him to school. I get home and rip off all my clothes and crawl into bed. I lie in the darkness and realise that I feel completely hollow- there is the dull constant ache for my parents but beyond that nothing. It is completely terrifying and it takes me a while to fall asleep.

I finally get up properly at 2pm after kicking Marcia out of my room twice when she tried to get me to go work out with her or to go shopping with her. I finally force myself up- my head is pounding and I have a wicked case of heartburn but I feel so low that I know it is more than that. I almost head back to bed until I remember that I have to pick up my car. I call Eli to let him know that I am on my way. I shower and get dressed quickly grimacing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Eli answers the door in his boxers and we chat briefly before I leave him to deal with his own hangover. He spills that Brett invited over some girls after we left and hooked up with one of them. He admits it sheepishly searching my face for a reaction.I don't care and I can't muster the strength to pretend instead I tell him Brett and I aren't exclusive. He fills me in on the fuzzy moments of the night before and I laugh even though it isn't funny. His stories make me realize that Jason must be more angry with me than I remember. Once in the car I head over to Jase's house. I spend ten minutes steadying myself before I head in and knock on the front door.He invites me in. I make a weak joke about being wasted and he doesn't even crack a smile. I decide to be upfront "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more helpful last night. You were crying and trashed and I couldn't even figure out how to get us home. Most of the time I can convince myself that I'm normal but something happens to remind me of how much it matters."

"I'm sorry I got drunk. I thought it would help." Before I can stop myself the flood gates open and I am racked with sobs. I can't stop. I cry until my stomach cramps and my throat is dry. Jase just holds me- close and tight. When I am finally done he gives me a final squeeze before suggesting we got for a walk. Once outside he hugs me close to his side. It makes guiding him awkward but I don't mind. We walk in silence for 10 minutes before he asks me gently if I want to talk about it.

"I hadn't cried for them until then. I was so afraid that if I started I would never stop. I'm so angry.Everything I have felt since they died has been tainted with sadness. I'm so scared it will always be like that but I am even more terrified that it will stop and they will just fade away."

His hand reaches up and he finds my face cupping it in both his hands gently before leaning in and giving me the best kiss of my life. I feel the kiss everywhere- the world goes quiet but every sensation in my body is heightened. My heart fills up so fast it hurts but I am at peace. I return the kiss tentatively at first but then I deepen it. It is something to hold on to.

part 12

On Saturday Marcia surprises me with brunch at the local country club. "How on earth did you get us approved for membership so fast?" I ask unable to keep the awe out of my voice.

"I have my ways. My ways may involve being vouched for by the Mayor. We're still pending board approval though."

"And how did that feel whoring yourself based on a job you've only had for a week?" Not really caring since the food is delicious.

"Not as good as the real life whoring you did on our front step last night" she segues smoothly.

"You saw that?" I keep my voice bright but a hint of shame involuntarily creeps in.

"Yes I saw that. Is that shame in your eyes little sister? Why on earth would you be ashamed of scoring a hottie your very first week at school. He seems lovely" She isn't getting a response from me as I am intently studying my menu.

"Is this about Jase?"she continues unperturbed. I involuntarily respond to his name "Aaah so why did you accept a date from Brett then?" I decide to engage in the conversation I am in desperate need of guidance.

"Because Jase didn't ask and Brett did but I have a feeling that they don't dispose of eachother as casually as we did at our incestous boarding school and I think that by dating his friend I am totally burning any and all potential bridges for me and Jase."

"After one date?" Marcia asks sceptically.

"You should have seen how he reacted when he heard I was going on the date. You know how in those American shows they are always staring soulfully at something. I think that brooding shit might actually be rooted in a bizarre truth about Americans."

"You are exaggerating. People were always casualties of you and Siobhan's reckless ways at school. You guys were just too callous to notice and assumed everyone was as bizarrely cynical about sex as you were. I think you may be" she punctuates the end of her statement with a theatrical gasp "maturing".

I pour some more maple syrup on my stack of pancakes before cutting into them and chewing contemplatively.

"Well at least your whoring granted us access to amazing pancakes. Thank you." I say. The rest of brunch passes with Marcia regaling me with tales of the politics at the Mayor's office. Jase is on my mind as we drive home. Maybe it has something to do with my parents. Maybe now that I know what real pain is I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone. Maybe I'm just growing up but the most terrifying maybe is that maybe I just don't want to hurt Jase. Maybe he is a person I care about too much to to do something to screw it all up. Ironically this makes me want to date Brett just set the whole fucking thing on fire because I don't know if I want anyone to have that power over me. recognize this as the most cowardly option but I am resolved to do this when the phone buzzes with a text from Jase asking if I want to hang out. I text back that I should be home in a little bit and I can pick him up in 15 minutes. We can go exploring. I brush aside the ridiculousness of my resolve being weakened by a text message.

A little while later I am standing inside Jase's kitchen chatting with his Mum while she unpacks some kitchen stuff. I am telling Tina about my first week of school and enjoying myself but soon Jase starts taps his folded up cane impatiently against the door frame reminding me who I came to pick up.

"Hate to break up this love fest Mum but we have plans" he says.

"We do?" I ask.

"We do" he insists following my voice and tentatively reaching toward me. When he finds me he grabs my arm and leads me toward the door.

"Why couldn't we stay?" I ask as we head to the car, "You know as well as I do that we have absolutely no plans."

"I need your help with something" he declares once we are in the car. He has a large rucksack with him that has piqued my interest considerably.

"What's up?" I prompt.

"I thought we could go skateboarding. You could teach me how we could use the school parking lot. It's should be empty on a Saturday. I have my brother's boards in the bag. Say yes. Please?" he is flushed with excitement.

"Of course. It sounds like fun. Why all the secrecy though?" I ask as I pull the car out of the driveway.

"Are you kidding my mother may actually give birth to an actual barn animal if she finds out that I've been skateboarding. She won't let me ride a bike. She barely lets me use scissors." he scoffs.

"Um maybe if your Mum doesn't want you doing it. We shouldn't do it. You could get hu.."

"I'm going to stop you right there and remind you that I already have one suffocating Mother. Nothing bad will happen. I brought helmets and you claim to be a great skate boarder so you should be able to show me some moves, right?" he interrupts.

I roll my eyes instantly regretting bragging about my skating skills.

"Fine. Let's do it but if your Mum breaks up with me I will be very annoyed with you" I know when I am fighting a losing battle and I do love skateboarding. Jase smiles cockily. He reaches out to the dashboard grazing over the dials lightly before locating the volume knob and turning the volume up. My stomach sinks involuntarily watching him take so much care to do something so little there is such a sad grace in the way his fingers read the world. Terrified that he might sense my pity I over compensate by singing along to the radio to my surprise he joins me and we perform a unique rendition of Ironic by Alanis Morissette.

"I found a nineties station and was taking a little walk down memory lane" I explain once the song is over.

"Have I said how much I love that you are a car singer?" there is a catch in his voice when he says the word love that makes me unsure of how to respond. The silence hangs heavy between us for a beat before he clears his throat and asks "How was your date?"

"It was fine. Good." Before I can control it an uncomfortable flush is rising up my face. I shift nervously in my seat and open the window relishing the chill in the air on my face.

"Just fine?" He asks. He coughs in an attempt to feign nonchalance but I heard the unmistakable tenor of hope in his voice. I find myself wishing Jase wasn't such an open book and it dawns on me that he may actually be inscrutible to everyone but me. It probably goes both ways. I decide to be honest.

"Yes. Just fine. It was a good date and I like Brett but um....."

"But what?" he asks his voice is searching it is doing whatever the vocal equivalent of squinting is. I have no idea how to respond.

I begin haltingly peering intently at the fence of the school we are now parked in. "Before I would have gone out with Brett a few more times, fooled around with him, refused to define it and we would have drifted on to other people or I would have bolted when he started to have real feelings. Feelings beyond just hanging out and having fun. I hate the bullshit of high school relationships- when people infer all this meaning on to relationship that they must know isn't real. I guess I'm not built to be in a relationship that works because both people desperately want to see certain things in the other person. To be in love with love. I believe in love but I think its so much rarer and harder than anyone wants to accept and I know that the effort involved means finding the right person to love, who makes love worth it...... Anyway now it's like I can't just have fun with Brett and it might have to do with my parents or it might have to do with you but I can't. And I have no idea where that leaves me."

"I guess" He replies and I put my hand over his mouth "You don't have to say anything. We don't have to talk about it" I insist. He removes my hand from his mouth with exaggerated care letting it rest in his lap covered in his. His fingers are warm, slightly freckled, long and strong. I know it is a bad sign when you drink in details about a boy like this. I tune in to what he is saying.

"Kinda fucked?It leaves you knowing with the right person the work and the risk is worth it."

"Are you sure I'm not just looking for people to see me and really know me who I can know to act as some sort of ineffective buffer against oblivion?My nuclear family was recently halved." I say it darkly but add a bleak unconvincing chuckle at the end so he can laugh it off as a joke if he wants to.

"Maybe but to wanting to know and to be known pretty much sums up everything right? You're a bit raw but who isn't once you scratch the surface?"

I imagine Siobhan miming hanging herself if she had to listen to this. I decide to bring some levity to the situation. "And when did you get so wise?" I ask laughingly.

"I um had cancer, lost my sight and dealt with all that stuff at all before I got my first armpit hair. Somewhere in between all that the wisdom magic happened. I have a theory that it is connected to all the hospital jello I ate "

"What colour jello?" I ask teasingly.

"Umm.. red. It was definitely red. Now we came here to teach me to skate remember?" I laugh and open the door. As I move over to the passenger side I notice Jase groping around the back seat looking for the back pack. I am just about to offer to help when he finds it smiling triumphantly and hands it to me as he gets out of the car and opens up his cane. I allow him to find my elbow and lead him to the centre of the parking lot. I wordlessly unpack the backpack handing him a helmet and quickly doing a few loops on one of the boards just to get reacquainted. I stare at Jase as I skate around trying to decide how to tackle this.

"Aisha?" I can tell trying to follow my position as I spin around him is confusing so I stop.

"I'm just trying to figure out how to do this. Let's try this here" I place the other skateboard near him and situate his lead foot on the front of the board. I assume since he is right handed that he is right footed.

"Okay so you want to stay balanced on the deck and push off with your other foot. Coasting is pretty easy. Do you want to try?" I ask. "I'll.. uh.. hold your hand while you do just until you get your balance" I reassure him.

"Okey dokey" He giggles nervously before pushing off slightly. I do a funny little side jog beside him to keep up.

"Okay just push off until you gain some momentum and then let the pushing foot rest on the board behind you" he does this.

"Wow. Good job. You're doing it." He has a death grip on my hands so we circle the lot a couple of time with me holding his hand and jogging alongside him. I can sense he is gaining confidence so I suggest he goes alone and I will shout out obstacles. He nods and I let him go. He pushes off confidently and coasts on his own for an impressive a hundred metres in a straight line. I jog up to him and he turns excitedly "Did you see that?" he asks reaching out to find me. I move into where his hand is and he scoops me up in a bear hug. "I saw. Really good. Do you want to try turning and stopping?" He nods excitedly stooping down searching for his skateboard.

"You might want to keep that in your hands when you stop. I see incredible potential for a cartoon fall" I pick up the board and hand it to him and he nods his thanks. We practice turning and stopping. Jase is intensely focused on the task at hand but my mind keeps drifting to the way his neck tenses when he pushes off. I am shifting his hips into position when I am suddenly hyper aware of his firm torso beneath my fingers I turn and look into his eyes carefully noting for the first time that his pupils are dilated strangely and that it adds to the vagueness of his gaze. Still his eyes are so clear it seems odd that they serve no purpose.

"Aisha" I am startled by his voice as it jolts me from my reverie " I can feel you staring" he states smilingly.

"That's because I am staring. As a good looking person that's just your burden to bear isn't it? Now go again. This time faster." I encourage. He pushes off hard but loses balance and lands heavily on his forearms cursing loudly. I run to his side.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I kneel on the ashphalt examining his scraped arms. There are little pebbles of gravel embedded in the bloody bits. "Ouch this looks like it hurts" I exclaim as I blow gently on his arms.

"It's not so bad. That feels good. More please." He shuts his eyes and demands petulantly. His voice is gruff.I acquiesce blowing gently over the scrapped area for a few moments before dissolving into laughter.

"What?" As he asks his hands find me in the darkness and rest gently on the sides of my face.

I scold myself for how much I enjoy his hands on my cheeks. I feel myself flush at his touch.

"I was just thinking that I never saw my first blow job going like this" I mutter ashamed at breaking a lovely moment with a crude thought. His eyes widen with adorable shock at my words before giggling. He is still giggling as I help him to his feet pick up the skateboard and dust off his jeans. "I think we have done enough skateboarding today. You sacrificed your first piece of skin to the tarmac and I am freaking starving." I say as I lead him toward the car.

"How about I buy you some late lunch as a thank you for the amazing lesson?" He asks as we buckle up into the car.

"Sure, as long as we stop at my house first and put some antiseptic on your graze. My breathe doesn't kill as many germs as I would like it to."

"Sure" he presses on his grazes examining them with his fingertips. He has a strange half smile on his face as he does. "Why are you smiling? Doesn't that kill?" I ask. He seems startled at my question. Sometimes he gets so lost in what he is doing he doesn't realise that anyone is watching. He hesitates before answering "Actually this is the first time I've really hurt myself in ages. In a normal way, I mean, not walking down stairs or like slipping or tripping over something. I know how lame it sounds- I've been so sheltered."

"You shouldn't complain.For the most part it sounds like they managed to pull off every parent's dream. They kept you safe. You're lucky."

"I'm stifled."

Part 11

Some things will never change. Like me standing in front of a closet pre date wrapped in a towel trying to figure out what to wear. Standing in front of Marcia's closet to be specific honouring the age old tradition of little sisters pilfering clothes from their older siblings. I look at Marcia's perfectly colour coordinated wardrobe and decide against it. All her clothes are way too sophisticated and I have a feeling Brett might be more of a bowling or gaming arcade type of guy. I glance down at my watch and realise I only have 10 minutes before he comes by to pick me up. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in skype-ing my friend Siobhan. I miss her and although we stayed online for ages we may as well have been communicating from different universes. Our only common point of reference is a world I want to forget and my new world may be too foreign for Siobhan to relate to. Maybe if she comes to visit she will understand that I need space to come out of this however I come out of it. I don't need a hundred pairs of eyes trying to watch me back into the mould of the old me. Siobhan would piss herself laughing if she could hear my thoughts I think as I pull on my dress. She doesn't believe in self contemplation or self actualization and rolled her eyes through every metaphysical conversation we ever had at school. She said that people waste too much time worrying about being true to themselves "You are yourself you are being you I really don't understand how so many clever fucking people got caught up in such a ridiculous debate. You are what you do. Simple." She declared in the dining hall one night and to prove her point she grabbed Kristen her roommate who was sitting next to her and planted a kiss right on her she laughingly pulled a strand of her long blonde hair out of Kristen's lips which were slackly parted with shock "Kristen you wouldn't be upset if you weren't so invested in seeing yourself as straight. I on the other hand have it all figured out." She raised her glass in a toast and I clinked it with her noting her glassy green eyes and knowing that her glass was full of vodka and that she was the only one in school with the guts to drink so brazenly. I got caught up in more than a few of Siobhan's schemes and she got caught up in mine. The memory makes me decide to take a page out of her book. Tonight I am nobody other than a girl going out with a cute guy at her new school. I slick on some lip balm and am trying to decide on whether or not to wear a headband when the bell rings. I hear Brett's deep male voice laughing at something Marcia said. I slip on the headband, some patent flats and grab a cardigan and my purse as I head out of my room. I take a deep breathe to steady myself as I head down the stairs. I am just a girl going on a date with a cute guy at her new school. The problem with Siobhan's philosophy is that the past matters and ignoring it, living in the moment makes no difference. The past shapes the moment and it isn't long before my illusion shatters.

It was all fine at miniature golf. We joked easily with each other and giggled at Brett's horrible golf puns. He talked about himself mostly and a huge part of Brett's existence is sports related. I listened as he regaled me with stories about his sporting achievements, parties and team mates and I smiled and joked and laughed where it was appropriate. It was so easy that when he took my hand at the end of the game as we walked to the car I let him. We drove to the Italian restaurant where Marcia and I had our awful back to school dinner and that set me on edge but I composed myself- plastering on my smile and working upwards inch by inch trying to make it reach my eyes.

"So.. um.. How did you end up in Colorado?" Brett asks as we look at our menus.

"My parents died so my sister and I moved over here from London" I mumble into the menu too tired to think of a better answer.

"I know. I mean, I'm sorry but Eli kind of already told me and I just kind of wanted to give you an opening. To rip off the band aid and tell me. I am so sorry about your parents"

"It's okay" I close my eyes and count to five attempting to calm down.

"Do you mind me asking what happened?" he ventures.

"Yes. I mind. I'm sorry can we talk about something else? I can't handle this."

"Sure. Um Do you like twilight?" he asks handing over a crumpled handkerchief "My mum makes me carry them. It's not that dirty." I realise that there are tears streaming down my face.

"I uh.. like the sparkly vampire thing?" I have to smile as I wipe the tears off my face.

"That's what I thought at first until I realised that girls eat that stuff up and as a guy interested in teenage girls I needed to research and figure out why they like glittery bloodsuckers"

"And what did you deduce?"

He stares at me blankly.

"It means figure out. What did you figure?" I smile.

"That ah basically what your standard awkward average looking girl wants is for a perfect man to love her and only her forever. So I decided that twihards were a section of the girl population I would steer clear of" He notices my blank expression and clarifies "Twihards is like twilight die hards".

"Probably a safe call especially since 13 year olds like that book. Full disclosure I think the werewolf in the films is well fit"

"I like your accent" He smiles and easily reaches for my hand across the table. I like how confident Brett is it takes real self assurance not to be freaked out by my inappropriate display of emotions. The rest of the evening is awkward but a normal first date kind of awkward and we make it through. I comment on this as he walks me to my front door.

"I had fun. I mean even with the tears you are an amazing date." And he gives me the kind of look that cannot be misinterpreted. The kind of look that is equal parts searching, yearning and because it is Brett an undertone of cocky certainty. If we kiss it would be responding to this look and confirming all the things that it wants confirmed. The date was fun I like Brett and to be honest I have kissed boys with a lot less provocation but I am conflicted. Jase flashes into my mind unbidden and that seals it for me. I smile and lean in and Brett and I kiss. It's a nice kiss.

Part 10

The next day after school Jase and I are playing thumb wars by the car as we wait for Hannah to finish returning a book to the library. We are also discussing our Math homework. Jase is frustrated because the teacher hasn't gotten the hang of explaining his working out loud so Jase can follow without seeing the whiteboard. I am frustrated because Math is my worst subject. There is a chill in the air that signals the end of warm weather and I reach in my bag for a scarf. As I am putting it on I note the look of intense concentration on Jase's face. Was he sniffing me? I shake my head slightly and decide to let it go.

"What's up?" Jase asks and again I marvel at how he picks up on the slightest thing.

"I think I might be getting one of those filter things the ones that stop you saying every little thing that pops up in your brain" I reply.

"You are so weird" he laughs. Hannah walks up to the car her eyes are bright and I catch myself sizing up her reaction to Jase. She seems naturally curious but not interested. I catch myself on this dangerous line of thought before pulling myself back. Jase isn't mine, more generally people cannot belong to other people and Hannah can be interested in whoever she wants.

"Shall we?" I ask unlocking the car. We drive to Jase's house companionably. He is meeting the guys at the cafe so I don't feel bad about not inviting him. My circle of friends is shaping up to be quite the sausage fest so I appreciate the opportunity to have some girl time.

I unlock the door and kick of my shoes dropping my keys in the key bowl and invite Hannah in. "Wow" she comments, her eyes wide "this is a really nice house, it's just you and your sister here?".

"Thanks. Yup it's just us- do you want a tour?" She nods and I quickly show her around the house. We settle into our homework around the kitchen table. Half an hour later our homework has been abandoned in favour of idle gossip and snacking on mini brownies and tea. Hannah is hilarious and I am cracking up as she tells me about her date to the winter formal at her last school.

"I swear to sweet heaven he smelled like Doritos, desperation and old spice! I promised myself then that I was done with boys. College will be better- college men will be fascinated by my intellect and unconventional beauty" she declares dramatically. I gasp trying to catch my breathe as I double up with the giggles, sadly nothing brings straight girls together like boy talk- we had covered school, books, tv and music boys were the final step. Hannah obviously doesn't realise that there is no convention- not really. Life isn't television it is more accommodating and there is room for her. She was beautiful in such an amazing refreshing real way. I scrutinise her as she sips her tea her hand hovering over the plate as she decides whether or not to indulge in another brownie. Her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes are bright.

"So what about you?" She asks mock coyly arching her brow.

"What about me?" I reply innocently.

"Oh come on- you've been in school three days and everyone is already buzzing about the new hot English girl" she taunts. I laugh but I am just about to tell her about Jase and Brett when Marcia walks in with holding a pizza box.

"I broke down and rented a car- so wrong but I didn't want to have to wait for you to pick me up. Forgive me planet earth." She looks up and realises the presence of a stranger in her kitchen.

"Marcia this is my new friend Hannah" I introduce them. I can tell Hannah is in awe of my gorgeous sister and Marcia is pretty used to this reaction and immediately begins trying to put her at ease.

"Hi new friend Hannah" she says warmly crossing the kitchen to shake her hand "We're having pizza and glee night- would you like to stay for dinner? Salami and olives and a nice bottle of white."

Hannah's eyes widen. "I don't.. I mean.. I'm not allowed to um.."

"For me of course" My sister hastily clarifies "Not the whole bottle. Not in one sitting"

"Liar" I joke.

"Shut up. Ignore my sister. I wasn't trying to peer pressure you Hannah. Please stay?" she smiles at Hannah and elbows me in the ribs playfully.

"That would be great. I'll go call my Aunt and ask her. Excuse me." Hannah pulls out her cell phone and leaves the room.

The rest of the night passes easily. Hannah, Marcia and I chat and sing along with glee. Marcia and I have always shared friends so it feels very comfortable to be sitting with her and Hannah. Later on I drive Hannah home and she confesses that she used to be really close to Amy, the girl who showed us around on the first day, but Amy has been having a hard time. She doesn't offer the details and I don't push. I feel she is my friend already but I also know most people take longer to decide these things. I can tell she is a hidden gem of a person, the embodiment of the saying about still waters. I am always filling in every awkward silence. I can feel myself trying to hard to shape situations into what I want them to be. I get quieter around people I am comfortable with and Hannah seems to get more talkative. I can tell she feels comfortable around me. We sit in the car and she shares pieces of herself in the dark and I accept them letting the situation be exactly what it is.

The next morning I wake up groggy and exhausted. I had to stay up finishing the homework I didn't do while I was chatting with Hannah making it the second night in a row that I did not get in a full nights sleep. I do not do well with any kind of deprivation especially sleep. I stumble through my morning routine meeting Marcia in the kitchen for breakfast where I nod sleepily as we eat our porridge with blueberries together. There is a definite chill descending and I idly wonder just how cold Everwood gets. I give Marcia a kiss on the cheek goodbye and get into the car and back out first. At Jase's house I consider hooting but decide that would be too rude. I sigh as I haul myself out of the car and knock on the door.

"Hey sweetie" Tina greets me cheerily pulling me in for a hug "Jase is running a little behind today. You look exhausted- come in" In a flurry of Mum efficiency Tina has a portable mug of coffee in my hand and is inviting Marcia and I to dinner on Saturday night. Jase stumbles down the stairs bleary eyed grunting good morning to his mother. "You are in big trouble mister- wake up means wake up. We'll talk about this more when you get home." She hands him his breakfast and our lunch and we are headed to school in no time.

"Brett told me he asked you out. And that you said yes" Jase launches head first into it as soon as we are in the car, his tone is accusing.

"And.." I ask tiredly.

"I thought you liked me!" He exclaims. It would be amusing if I wasn't so infuriating.

"And.." I intone coldly.

"Aisha. C'mon. What happened to always being honest with eachother?" We stop briefly at a red light and I rest my head on the steering wheel rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"I don't know what you want me to be honest about. I hear accusation in your voice but no questions." The car stalls as the light turns green and I swear under my breathe.

"How could you say yes to a date with Brett and like me at the same time?" He exaggerates the question mark. I can tell he is furious. I don't care.

"You don't want to date me. Brett does. People in high school date casually all the time. We are so far from being "exclusive" that you kind of have no right to ask. I don't need your permission"

"I just think you shouldn't lead Brett on.." I can tell he has decided to change tact.

"So this is out of concern for Brett is it? Because I am obviously so in love with you that I couldn't possibly be interested in him? Newsflash- I am 16 years old and I met you last week. Somehow I have been able to withstand your amazingly sexual aura and my overwhelming attraction to you and my willingness to re enact Romeo and Juliet for you. Do you really think you are that amazing?" My voice is dripping with sarcasm and I can tell that we are both going way too far with this but there isn't any turning back, I've already lost my temper. Couldn't he have started this fight when I had gotten more sleep?

"Don't be a bitch" he exclaims.

"Well then you don't be an ass!" I exclaim "I'm going to date- I'm attractive, fun and I have an accent. Shockingly enough you are not the first guy to notice me you condescending tool!"

"I was just hoping that.." He trails off. His voice has softened considerably and as furious as I am I am also grateful. I am never the first one to back down from confrontation.

"You were hoping that we could circle each other pining like characters on Dawson's Creek? We agreed to be friends. I date and any friend I had would have to be cool with that and not act like a possessive idiot. I am not okay with that." My words are harsh but the fight and bile are gone from my voice. There is a long silence as he contemplates my words.

"I was hoping you did it to make me jealous" he mutters.

"I don't play games Jase" I say softly. He smiles and I notice that he had moved to the furthest corner of the car and hunched his shoulder defensively during our fight. He opens his body up again and reaches for my hand. "I know. I'm sorry I got so mad. This friend thing may be tougher than I thought."

"You called me a bitch. That is an awful thing to say." I grumble unwilling to let it go until he apologizes for everything. I keep my hand away from his.

"I am sorry. God, I must seem like such a dick to you. I was just sitting across the table from Brett talking about how excited he was about your date. I was more upset with myself.. it doesn't matter though. I am sorry. Forgive me?" He stretches his hand further finding mine. His voice is so sincere.

I squeeze his hand shaking my head and declare "Douchebaggery forgiven but you may have to treat to hot chocolate after school to sweeten me up again". He nods in agreement and the faint sound of the bell makes us both jump out of the car. I rush over to his side and lead him to our first class quickly. We barely make it. As I take my seat in class I realise that all traces of my fury are gone along with my sleepiness. I pull out my notebook and focus on school.

At the end of a long day I am in a surprisingly good mood. Brett, Jase, Eli and Hannah and I sat together at lunch and it wasn't awkward even between Brett and Jase- even after Brett confirms our date in front of everyone (typical boys they must have plead bros before hos to smooth over that tricky patch). Eli and I played together in our music class and the teacher asked us to play at the school recital. I am even fairly sure I did really well on the pop quiz in Math. Jase is still complaining about it as we walk to the car.

"Uuurgh" he moans.

"Use your words" I tease.

He has a point though apparently the teacher read out the questions to him too fast and didn't give him enough time to work them out in between forgetting that he couldn't simply refer back to his working.

"I can't believe he had the nerve to complain about my handwriting. Honestly, I had no idea how to respond to that. I mean the last time I saw my handwriting I was 8 seriously it stopped evolving at that point" He isn't genuinely annoyed any more but exaggerating for comic effect. At Nina's we drink our hot chocolate at chat about anything and everything for hours with all traces of the morning's hostilities evaporated. I am in the middle of explaining my theory about ugg boots when he shakes his head and laughs a little to himself.

"What?" I ask reaching for another french fry from our shared plate. Americans really have greasy food perfected in my humble opinion.

"Well this morning I was furious with you and we got into a huge argument and now we are sitting here and talking. Don't you feel we have always been here in this town in this cafe eating fries and talking? I know how that sounds. My Dad says I talk like I'm summarising my life he says just live it. He blames it on twitter and facebook. Which he calls twatter and myface. My Dad is this mans man, like my brother, not big on words and communication" I laugh at this.

"So you're closer to your Mum then?" I ask.

"Yeah I mean she is borderline smothering but she's great. And I didn't mean to be so harsh about my Dad. It's hard for him to have a son who relies so much on words but he loves me so he tries" Jase blushes when he says this.

"My Dad used to call going clubbing going to the discotheque. Every time; not disco but discotheque." I contribute. Jase laughs. "He was always such a dork when he was with us. He would talk to me like I was fascinating. Really listen. He used to try so hard to stay involved in our lives. Every recital, every debate, every stupid game he would drive up to see us at school. My friends loved him."

A heavy silence falls. I clear my throat "I'm sorry" and I am for making things awkward but in that moment I realize that I can't just not talk about them. They were my parents and if anyone is going to know me I have to share them.

"Don't apologize. I can't imagine how hard this all is for you. I um I won't always know what to say but you can always tell me stuff. I'll always listen" he does his adorable half smile and squeezes my hand under the table. As awful as the thing that brought me here was and as much as I miss my parents and my old life with them in this moment the weight isn't unbearable. It feels right just like Jase says it feels like it has always been.

Part 9

My alarm clock goes off and I stumble bleary eyed into the shower. The night before had turned out to be really intense. Marcia had cried for what seemed like hours and then we had just talked about what we would do when reality caught up with us. We hadn't really come to any conclusions but Marcia had calmed down enough to go to sleep. I come out of the shower and realise that Marcia had fallen asleep in my bed. I shake her slightly to wake her up. She stares at me bleary eyed before stumbling to her room to get showered and changed. I am munching on some toast and reviewing my homework when she walks into the kitchen pulling on her suit coat and zeroes in on the coffee pot filling up a portable mug and tossing me the keys as she heads for the door. I am humming as we drive over to Jase's house and I rush up the driveway to ring the bell and get him. Tina opens the door cradling the phone in the crook of her neck and gives me a kiss on the cheek hello. She runs into the kitchen and pulls Jase out before wordlessly handing me a packed lunch, giving Jase a kiss and shuffling us out of the door.

Jase is laughing as he unfolds his cane and slips on his sunglasses when we are out the door.

"What was that about?" I ask joining him in laughter.

"The perils of a working Mum. She is trying to get our insurance information to the newspapers provider because the HR department is being slow and my brother needs to see the dentist" he explains.

"Ah- how old is your brother?" I ask.

"He's 23 but he's kind of drifting. He dropped out of College two years ago and hasn't really found anything that stuck since. Actually he saw your sister yesterday and asked me about her."

"Really? What did he want to know?" I ask as we slide into the back seat.

"Her story. Is she single?" he informs me with a smirk.

"Is who single? Hey Jase" Marcia greets Jase.

"Are you single. My brother was wondering." Jase teases with a playful smirk on his lips.

"I am but that is a bit too happy families. I mean double dates with my little sister?" Marcia laughs as she pulls out of Jase's driveway and we head to school. Jase is blushing a furious shade of red and despite myself I smile. I don't know if I want anything more than a friendship but I like him and it's nice to know he likes me too.

"Are you enjoying my obvious discomfort?" He asks performing that unnerving trick where he approximates a stare really well.

"How did you know that?" I am genuinely puzzled.

"Are you kidding? Your smile must be huge because I can feel it from over here" His hand finds my face carefully and he rests two fingers on the side of my mouth. "Show me" he commands and even though I don't usually do well with commands I cannot help but smile. I let his hand linger for a second before smacking it away.

"That's all you get pal" I put on a Texan accent for comic effect.

"You really shouldn't do accents." Jase deadpans.

"Seconded" this helpful contribution is from Marcia in the front seat. The two of them then engage in a hilarious competition to see who can do the worst Aisha doing a Texan accent imitation. We are at school before I can get a word in edgeways.

"Later Marcia" I try not to show my annoyance obviously making fun of me has put her in a better mood. She laughs and rushes to her workmate Tracy who will drop her at work tossing me the keys as she goes.

"We are so going to need another car" I mutter to myself.

"Hey- do you want to hang out after school? Eli and Brett were going to the Cafe- it wouldn't really be fun unless you came." Jase asks as we head in to school. "It wouldn't be fun, huh?" I nudge him playfully "I really hope you are usually smoother around girls you like" as soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. Jase shifts uncomfortably. The bell rings.

"My first class is Spanish so um you could just drop me off" his voice is strangled and he is playing with the straps of his book bag. I could kick myself. I swallow and wordlessly escort him to Spanish class before making my way to the music room where I know we are allowed to spend our free periods. Anything I said was just bound to make it worse. I burst into the music room- which is a fairly basic set up. Institutional blue chairs dotted haphazardly in a large room with a drumset in the corner and a piano in the centre. Eli is sitting at the piano reviewing the sheet music on the stand intently.

"Oh hey. Sorry to interrupt I'll just go to the library and give you some privacy" I turn to leave.

"You can't the second bell has already gone. If you're busted without a hall pass well.. its an executable offence" I smile and study him intently for a bit.

"What?" an uncomfortable smile plays on his lips.

"The way you speak. It's still so New York; neurotic, fast- raises some interesting nature vs nurture questions" I respond.

"Well I visit my grandparents every summer and like most New Yorkers it is carefully fostered lest anyone forget our awesomeness. So nature and nurture. You sound like a Londoner"

"Rainy and grey?" I smile enjoying our banter.I move over to the piano and look at the piece he is studying. "I've actually played this before. Do you want to try?"

He nods and I pull out my violin and tune it quickly before we start. We play choppily stopping to correct our mistakes before finally playing it through. I haven't practiced in a while and Eli hasn't played the piece before.Our ease extends to playing though. The piece doesn't sound that great yet but we have potential as partners.

"You are really good" I state awed "Really talented"

"I really think this could sound amazing if we worked on it some more. Do you have another free period this week?" He asks with a focus in his eyes that reminds me of the difference between the people who take lessons and young musicians.

"Friday. I think."

"Cool, Friday then. I'm grounded for the next two weeks but the second my fascist Father lets up I'll invite you over. He is the parental equivalent of the SS. Sometimes I wish we just didn't have parents." He freezes. I can tell he now wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.

"You don't have to freak out- it's okay." I reassure him as I pack up my violin the bell is about to ring.

"Do you mind if I ask what happened?" he mumbles.

"Um.. I guess not. It was a car accident."

"I'm sorry. Crap. I hated when people said that to me after my Mum died. I never knew what to say back. I never realised they had the exact same problem."

"I just say 'thanks' which isn't really appropriate but at least it's polite" Eli nods and I know he understands. I smile "It's weird right it's like this strange new club that we belong to now- the damaged club, the oliver twist collective"Eli raises his eyebrow quizically and I have to laugh "Was that ridiculously emo for a girl wearing pearl studs?" I ask.

"No. The walking wounded I totally get it. So are you and Jase you know.. together?" he asks changing the subject.

"We're just friends. Not even that maybe I just made it very awkward before this class. How goes your girl trouble?" I as as we head down the hallway to our next class.

I nod sympathetically as Eli tells the tale of the girl who he used to love who never loved him back and the girl who he now loves but cannot love him back because she is his babysitter. I sense a theme but I wisely keep my mouth shut. I have always been a straight shooter because I have trouble picking up on nuances which means I tend to verbalize what I think and feel. It's not very romantic or very conducive to the painful stare at each other soulfully in the hallways variety of love favoured by most high school students. The last boy I was involved with (we didn't even last long enough for the boyfriend label to be used) broke up with me because I didn't say I love you back or participate as he hypothesized a future together and went on to clarify that although I liked him enough to use my tongue to explore his mouth I would probably never love him although I did like him enough. He did not like hearing that. I am absolutely not one to offer relationship advice.

My morning classes fly by and Jase makes a point of walking between them with Eli or Brett. At lunch I approach the table hesitantly until Brett invites me to sit down. When I do I stare at Jase willing him to give me any sign that he doesn't hate me. His face remains impassive throughout lunch and I struggle to participate in the conversation. He doesn't direct a single remark to me. It shocks me how much this hurts. Eli and Jase have different classes on the same part of the campus so they set off together. I leave the lunch room feeling dejected and contemplate just bunking off the rest of the day (I never actually would but the fantasy is nice).

"Hey Aisha" I turn surprised to see Brett I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear him run up behind me "Are you okay? You seem distracted" He smiles sweetly.

"I'm okay" I reply.

"I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out on Friday?"

I stare at him blankly "With me" he elaborates.

"Uh...okay." I choke out not entirely sure what is happening.

The second bell rings and we both dash off to our respective classes. I am really flattered that Brett asked me out. He is really good looking and fun but I am not sure I am interested in him.

I am waiting for Jase outside his class.

"Hey guys" I greet him as he exits the class talking to Hannah she is laughing at something he said.

"Hey Aisha" Hannah greets me enthusiastically and leans in for a hug. Which is odd since we just met but I go with it.

"A hugger, huh?" I joke good naturedly.

"Unfortunately to know me is to hug me" she responds pushing her glasses up her nose. Hannah's smile is so pure. Which is a strange adjective, I know but it is pure joy.

"Actually I was wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow and we could work on our homework- or use homework as an excuse to hang out." I offer.

"Sounds great- I'll catch a ride with you from school. It was really nice to meet you Jase" She waves as she runs to catch the bus.

I turn to Jase who has not said a word to me.

"Is this because of what I said this morning?" he doesn't respond so I move keep talking "It is not that big of a deal. You don't like me like that. I kinda hoped that you did and I made a bad joke but it means nothing. We can still be friends- you are the best friend I have here. I know we only just met but please don't make this weird. I like you- even with the jackassery you have subjected me to today I still really want to be friends and I will even accept that I am only the second biggest matchbox 20 fan here but I cannot take this silent treatment bullshit every time I say something you don't like. Newsflash Jase- my foot spends a lot of time in my mouth." I didn't intend to say so much and when I glance at his face I can tell that he feels overwhelmed by the stream of crazy I just unleashed in his direction.

"So lets just go home" I say flatly. He swallows and nods reaching for my arm which I bring to him. We walk to the car in silence. We drive to his house in silence. He doesn't leave the car straight away so we just sit there parked in silence for ten minutes. When I am two seconds away from screaming. He clears his throat and speaks "I'm sorry."

"Huh?" this caught me off guard.

"I'm sorry. You really surprised me this morning. I really like you too but I can't handle anything more right now. Main streaming is kicking my butt. " he admits. His gaze is directed at his lap. I can tell this is hard for him.

"What do you mean? You seem fine. You're making friends and stuff.." I trail off.

"And every day feels like such hard frigging work. I'm scared that I will fall or be caught with no idea where I am. I have to focus so hard in an entirely new place." His fists are clenched and though I can't see his eyes because of the sunglasses I can tell he is perilously close to tears.

"I had no idea. What can I do?" I ask.

"You're doing it. You treat me like I'm totally normal and I think that Eli and Brett and those guys picked up on that and followed your lead. I shouldn't have said anything about all my..stuff because I really don't want how you treat me to change but U needed you to understand how even though you are so great and I really like you- that way and and every way there is I cannot handle one more thing on my plate right now. Is that okay?"

I am so relieved that I burst into tears and laughter. "Are you kidding? It is more than okay. I feel the same way. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I am freaking out too. A new town and school? It's enough to make me poo my pants. You are handling it so incredibly though. You're amazing."

"No way. If I was in you're situation I wouldn't be as cool as you are. You're amazing." he replies.

"I am pretty amazing" I joke. He reaches for my hand and wraps his fingers around mine when he finds it. "You are helping me find my feet here and I don't want to mess that up so. I accept your apology if you accept mine and promise that we can always be like this- honest."

"Deal" he smiles "So you are a fan of whiny cry baby pathetic me, huh?".

"I'm a fan of all of it". The words are so incredibly corny that I cringe as they leave my mouth. But I mean them sincerely and sincerity is not something I am very comfortable with. This conversation could have never happened with anyone else but Jase makes me feel safe. I want him to know me. I brace myself for his reaction to my comment but he just smiles and I swear my heart melts just like in the songs. We sit in the car for a few more moments because this conversation has made real what we have been skirting around since we met. Jase is my best friend now. It is amazing how people come into your life. Even more amazing are those rare moments when you want to make room for them. So we just sit, making room.