"Woah, Aisha, what happened to you?" Hannah asks as I pull off my sweaty shirt gesturing concernedly to my back. I peer over my shoulder to see what she is pointing it and am genuinely surprised to see a large purplish bruise it's dark edges tracing down half of my back.
"Oh wow! How did I do that?" I ask pulling on my shirt quickly and running a comb through my hair not wanting to be caught out by the bell.
"Doesn't it hurt?" Hannah presses.
"No," I try to say it flippantly but a knot is already forming in my gut. Luckily the bell rings and we all head off for our next class.
I don't hear anything in History Mr. Geldon could be nattering on about cold fusion or attempting to indoctrinate us into the Hitler youth for all I know. I am distracted by a steady stream of denial- it can't be, I think. Not again. Not now. The denial gets louder as the knot in my stomach gets bigger trying to act as counter point to the dread and certainty that has gripped my gut.
"So what do you think?" Everything sounds like I am listening to it from under a well. Jase touches my thigh. "Earth to Aisha?" He jokes but his eyes crinkle with concern.
"Sorry. I'm off with the fairies. What are we talking about?" I ask dragging my attention back to my lunch and my friends.
"We were wondering of you would mind us tagging along to Jase's track meet on Saturday?" Eli asks.
"Sure. The more the merrier. The school is only like 45 minutes away so it should be fine. I have to go borrow a book before class. I'll meet you at the usual place Jase" I reassure him squeezing his hand before heading off.
Instead of going to the library I pull out my cell phone and make a call.
"Hello is this Dr. Brown's surgery? This is Aisha Ogilvy I need to make an appointment".
Luckily they agree to see me after school. The rest of the day passes in a blur. It barely registers until I have dropped off Jase at his house and I am sitting in Dr. Brown's surgery in a paper gown having blood drawn. I could tell he was concerned when he saw the bruise, his smile was tight when he told me not to jump to conclusions and that we would know more when the blood work came back.
"Have you been more tired recently?" He asks conversationally.
"Kind of but we had Hannah's birthday thing and then my sister's ex has been in town so it has been really crazy..." I trail off.
"Right. Well like I said we'll know more when the blood work comes in" Dr Brown has a high voice for a man but he exudes a confident competence. I wonder if they grade bedside manner in medical school. He probably got an A. He reaches out and pats my hand as he tells me that I can get dressed. Maybe an A+.
"When will the blood work come in?" I ask him as I re-enter the examining room to pick up my school bag.
"We can put a rush on it and have the results in tomorrow." He answers calmly.
"Please do. Thanks Dr. Brown" I head out of the clinic. The snow is falling thick and fast. My hands tremble as I put the key into the ignition. I take a few deep breaths. This isn't happening.
Back at home I cross paths with the now familiar Dudders camped out on the porch. He is huddled in his sleeping bag and the camping stove he uses to keep warm is lit. He doesn't actually sleep on the porch. He comes out early in the morning and follows my sister to her car. He then stalks her on her lunch break before following her home and camping out on the porch until we go to sleep then he heads to his hotel to sleep. Every night for the past week Marcia has sent me out with a plate of dinner for him. He considers this a good sign. I just think it is weird that he is living on our porch.
"Heya Duds!" I greet him as I step over his backpack to get to the door.
"Hello Aisha. How was school today? Why so late getting back? Were you with Jase. I hope you were just doing your homework" He smirks not taking his eyes off his laptop screen. I gave him the wireless password a few days ago.
"School was fine. What I was doing was none of your business. How was stalking today?" I ask.
"She looked around for me in the afternoon. I had just gone to the bathroom and when I stepped out she was kind of looking around for me. I'm sure she is going to break soon. Only a matter of time" He finishes sounding incredibly self satisfied.
"You have officially gone off the deep end Dudders" I comment as I step inside the house.
"I'm a fool for love" He shouts at my retreating back.
Marcia is sitting on the couch dressed in sweats with her laptop in her lap and a glass of wine on the coffee table. She looks up at the sound of Dudders shouting.
"You really need to talk to him. I'm surprised none of the neighbours have called the police yet" I comment as I head into the kitchen and grab a wine glass.
"Oh please. He's charmed all the neighbours with his sad sack romantic act. He even told them why I'm angry with him" Marcia raises her eyebrows as she watches me pour a large glass of wine and sit on the couch next to her.
"Hard day?" She asks. And I almost tell her. But then I remember that, like me, she lost her parents a few months ago, her ex-boyfriend is camped out on her porch and it could all be a false alarm. Even as I am rationalising a shiver of certainty passes over me warning me that it isn't a false alarm. Fine, it isn't a false alarm but I should spare her for a few hours if I can. Marcia wordlessly passes me a blanket. I sit on the couch and finish the glass of wine. The buzz soothes my fray edges even that I can focus through dinner as Marcia tells me about her day. I drink two more glasses and stumble up the stairs. I fall into bed and the room lurches uncomfortably around me.
It is a painfully bright winter morning and I am sitting in the car .
waiting for Jase to join me so we can head to school when the phone rings.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Hello Aisha. This is Dr. Brown. I put a rush on the results and they are in now. Can you come in after school to discuss them?" Dr Brown asks.
"Yes but could you just give me a hint of what they are so I don't spend the whole day wondering" I answer nervously. My mouth is suddenly very dry. Jase is pulling on a beanie with ear flaps. I hoot the horn so he can locate the car easier.
"I really don't feel comfortable discussing it over the phone. The results are still just between us but I think you should consider bringing your sister along for support" He says. I agree and we say goodbye.
Jase has been sitting quietly waiting for me to finish my conversation. His head turns when I hang up the phone.
"It is freezing today," He starts conversationally "What was that about?" He asks referring to the phone call.
"It was Dr. Brown. I had some tests and he wants me to go in to get the results", I answer while starting the car.
"Is everything okay?" He asks his brow furrows with concern.
"I don't know he wouldn't tell me on the phone. I found this bruise and it's kind of like what happened when I was a kid... when I got cancer" I answer.
"I don't know he wouldn't tell me on the phone. I found this bruise and it's kind of like what happened when I was a kid... when I got cancer" I answer.
"You should go get the results. Just ditch class. The sooner you know it's nothing the happier you'll be" He suggests.
"I can't go without Marcia" I whisper.
"Then get her," He reaches for my arm and squeezes it and I turn to face him. He looks scared.
"You look scared," I comment.
"I am. You are too," He squeezes again but this time he pulls me in for a hug. And although I am frozen through with fear, disbelief and anger I can feel his warmth right outside of me. I close my eyes and try to be grateful that I have someone who cares enough to be afraid. Who loves me. All of a sudden the remembrance that I love him washes over me and I cling to him, surprised that I could have forgotten or misplaced something so powerful, even for a second.
Jase makes me call Marcia who immediately agrees to meet me at Dr. Brown's office. I offer to drop Jase off at school; he looks at me like I am crazy and that is how we all end up in Dr. Brown's waiting room an hour later. Marcia came with Dudders which is too amusing for words.
I am definitely going to tease them about it later. Marcia looks pale and her lips are drawn into a thin line. I'm sure she is angry with me but she is holding it in reasonably well. We don't have an appointment so it is nearly half an hour before Dr. Brown steps out into the waiting room to call me in.
"Hello everybody" He begins addressing my waiting room entourage "I'll just need Aisha and Marcia for now" He says it sweetly ushering Marcia and I into his office.
"Just go. Just tell me" I urge him.
"Well your blood tested positive for cancerous indicators. Given the indicators and your medical history I think it is leukaemia but we need to run more tests before we can say with any certainty how far it has spread. I've already forwarded a referral to the hospital in Boulder they have all the imaging equipment. I also know some very good Oncologists." He finishes.
"If it's all the same Dr. Brown could you stay on as my doctor?" I ask. It feels like I have been quiet for a very long time and my voice feels rusty when I speak. Maybe it has been a long time. Maybe an eternity separates the time before Dr. Brown started talking and after.
"Sure," He nods. Marcia takes charge of the conversation. She pulls out her purple Asprey day planner and begins to ask questions and take notes. I allow myself to drift. It would be obvious to think about my parents when faced, again, with my mortality. Or I could think about my other experiences with cancer. Instead I think about the new ramp they have installed at the nearby indoor skate park and how I wanted to go the weekend it was finished but I put it off. I really want to ride that thing.
