Part 23

I pull up the sleeves on Jase's letterman jacket as I approach my locker. The thing is huge on me but the dumb grin he wore on his face as he pulled it on me this morning is going to be worth shoving the sleeves up all day at school. Only steady girlfriends get to wear the jackets on the day of a pep rally. I smile at Hannah who is waiting at my locker. Jase's jacket is a little big for me but poor Hannah is absolutely drowning in Brett's jacket. I try, and fail, to stifle my mirth.
"I know. I look ridiculous" She sighs.
"We both look ridiculous"
"No. I look ridiculous. You are almost puling it off. How do you look so good all the time?"
"A natural gift" I say sardonically swinging my imaginary hair.
Hannah laughs "Before you get a big head I said you almost pulled it off"
"Ready to go cheer on her boys?" Her voice is falsely cheery.
"So you don't like Mackenzie?" I ask throwing some stuff into my locker. Hannah pursed her lips so tight when she first met Brett's spirit aide they disappeared.
"No. I do not like Mackenzie at all and she is flirting with Brett and Brett thinks I am being unreasonable but she is a cheerleader, Aisha. And we all know what that means?"
"We really don't" Aisha jokes but swallows hard to fight a dizzy spell and rising nausea.
"It means she is hell bent on stealing my man is what it means" Hannah says seriously as we walk to the quad where the pep rally is going to be held.
"Yeah well what can we do? Without seeming like jealous bitches completely devoid of school spirit?" I ask.
She sighs.
"Who is a jealous bitch completely devoid of school spirit?" Eli asks as he rounds a corner to join his friends. He notes how tired Aisha looks and quietly takes her tote off her shoulder. She throws him a grateful smile.
"We are just plotting how to get rid of the spirit aides" Hannah says.
"Easy. Send them my way. I will happily take them off your hands" He rubs his hands gleefully.
Hannah smacks him.
They arrive in the quad and everything was decorated festively. The marching band was standing ready to begin and almost the entire student population was chatting in the quad waiting for it to start.
"Oh hey Aisha!" Taylor yelled as she bounded over "How are you today? Did you see the Vampire diaries last night?" She asks cheerfully.
I told her I am going to watch it tonight. We schedule a time to chat about it and I introduce her to Hannah who turns to me with a raised eyebrow when Taylor bounds away to join the other cheerleaders.
"What was that about?" She asks almost accusingly.
"I figure if we are friends she might not be inclined to..."
"Seduce Jase?"
I nod shamefaced.
"I like it when you are as petty and jealous as I am" She laughs.
"I can't help it. Her hair is just so shiny".
Our conversation is interrupted by the Coach standing at the podium. He says some stuff about how amazing our team is and everybody cheers. I watch Jase standing up there laughing at something Brett just whispered in his ear. Brett catches my eye and waves at me and Hannah. We wave back. He whispers something to Jase and he waves at us. Kind of.
I am feeling terrible as I stand there but I swallow again and focus on Jase. The next fifteen minutes drags on for an eternity and I need to sit down.
"Are you okay?" Hannah asks as I try to discreetly move out of the crowd and sit on something.
No, I have cancer I cannot help but think. Instead of saying that I smile and mime that I am finding somewhere to sit.
And I find somewhere to sit. And I focus on my breathing and not passing out or throwing up until it is over.
Brett brings Jase over and then runs off with Hannah.
"Are you okay?" Jase's face crumples with concern.
"No. I don't think I can drive. I'm sorry"
He squeezes my hand "Don't worry about it. I'll call my Mum"
And he does but Eli comes over and offers to drive us home. They drop me off and everything hurts and I am exhausted and tired of being sick. And then I fall asleep.
I don't get up the next day. No one bothers me. I stay in bed and watch old episodes of the OC on my laptop in between naps. I think about my parents.
I get up the next day but I don't go to school. I wander from room to room in the house. I take two showers. I paint my toenails. Marcia comes to pick me up for chemo and I get in the car wordlessly. She says things to me and I make all the right noises in response. I can't really hear her.
"Hey" Zach approaches me as we walk into the facility.
"Hey" I say as I walk into the room where I am usually set up. I sit down, remove the feeder tube for my catheter and lean back prepared to take a nap.
"You look tired" Zach notes as he enters the room.
"Cancer will do that to you" I answer wearily.
"You had cancer last week and you were fine. You've just hit a wall"
"What do you know about it?"
"I've been here a while, watched a lot of patients come and go. It's just a rough patch"
"Oh okay then" I say with mock relief.
"Lets go sit in the garden..It'll make you feel better"
I still feel awful but the garden is beautiful and as annoying as he is; Zach is absolutely right. It's a rough patch and I need to actively try to make it a little better.
I follow him using the pole to support myself. We get to the garden and sit in silence for a little bit.
"Still bummed out?" He asks.
"Yeah. I mean, the garden is nice but not that nice"
"I know some knock-knock jokes?" He suggests.
I scoff.
"Knock knock" He begins.
"Who's there?" I acquiesce pulling my robe around me.
"Cash"
"Cash who?"
"No thanks, but I would like a peanut." He finishes smirking in my direction.
I chuckle.
"Knock knock" He begins again
"Who's there?"
"Thermos"
"Thermos who?"
"Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this"
Another chuckle.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Howl"
"Howl who?"
"Howl you know unless you open the door?"
"Moron" I say but I am laughing.
He smiles with satisfaction and I realize that he has done it. I am cheered up.
"Why are you here anyway?" I ask him.
"What do you mean?" He asks shifting uncomfortably and pretending to be obtuse.
"Are you dying? Coalescing? Re-habing? What?" I ask bluntly.
"That was blunt"
"Stop evading"
"Fine. It's complicated but basically my parents don't want me. Which makes me not want them so its just simpler this way"
"Simpler is living in an institution full of sick dying people? With no one your own age? And not going to school? Has your family never heard of boarding school?"
He laughs.
"Actually that was the idea I was waiting here before heading off and this just became semi-permanent. I like it here."
"Really?"
"I came out and they are not speaking to me so I kinda feel like I am lucky to have anywhere to live. They pay for this place. They pay for this place and my tutor.." He trails off.
"They're not de-gayifying you here. Are they?" I ask horrified.
"No. Just babysitting" He laughs.
"You should come to school. To our school" I suggest.
"It's kinda far" He reasons.
"You could take the bus."
"This afternoon was supposed to be about you" He laughs.
"Okay. We can talk about me"
"How is school?"
"Fine. Jase has some girl with freaking perfect hair following him around now. Its whatever"
"Isn't he blind? What does he care about her hair?" He sounds legitimately confused.
"He doesn't. It's just this constant reminder that he has enough on his plate. He doesn't need me. He needs simple; like Taylor."
"I think he decides what he needs."
"Which would be fine if I wasn't so invested in something outside of my control."
"Yeah" He agrees.
"Are you in a relationship?" I ask.
"We are talking about you."
"Okay. We've been together 2 months."
"Is that something people celebrate?"
"It's my longest relationship."
"Then you should celebrate." He says simply.
The conversation meanders from there. We talk about music, boys and I tell him more about my school. We watch the birds on the bird feeder and the time passes quickly. A nurse's aide comes to get me and I am unplugged and I chat with Dudders on the way home. And I am still sick but I think that I am going to be okay.

Part 22

I am startled out of a daydream by a deep voice. I quickly pull out my headphones and turn to face the speaker.

"Excuse me?"

"Having cancer does not give you the right to steal my book?" He repeats gesturing to the book in my lap.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I thought it was a communal book.." I start to hand it back.

"No it's cool. Do you like it so far?" Since he is trying to engage in conversation I focus on the guy talking to me. His green eyes dance mischievously and his tone is teasing.

"To be honest I forgot my book at home and I just kind of wanted Trish to leave me alone for a bit"

"Am I bothering you?" He asks in a straightforward tone that I admire.

"No" I decide after considering it for a moment "I'm Aisha" I introduce myself.

"I'm Zach". He moves forward slightly to shake my hand. It is only then that I notice the wheelchair.

"I've actually heard a lot about you from the nurses. They think we should be friends." He smiles.

"Really? Let me guess, because we are the two youngest people here?"

"I think they are hoping you will rub off on me. You are such a model patient. Always on time, unfailingly polite and you bribe them"

"You have heard a lot" I observe.

"I'm here every week and we rarely get teenagers," He notes leaning back in his chair.

"Lucky me" I laugh hollowly.

"Are you nearly done?" He asks.

I check my watch before answering "Another hour or so".

"That IV pole is portable. Do you want to see something cool?"

"It isn't your balls is it?"

"I could whip those out right here. Also, I'm very fond of them but I wouldn't describe them, you know, objectively as cool" He laughs already pulling away from the recliner I am sitting in.

I ask myself 'why not?' fully prepared to come up with a list. Nothing comes to mind. I get up and follow Zach.

We make our way in silence. He knows how to avoid the nurses and staff. He leads me down a corridor that has rooms.

"I didn't know there was in-patient?" I ask.

"There isn't. It's a convalescent home/ hospice/ long term care centre" He explains.

"Where are we going?"

"My room"

He abruptly turns a corner and we are there. I peek my head in cautiously. His room is too well designed to be a serial murderers den. The minimalist furniture and bright manga style prints covering the wall would not have been out of place in any city teenager's bedroom. The only give away is the hospital bed (covered in a bright red duvet). I move to the sliding doors that open out on to a beautiful garden.

"Oh wow. This is so pretty." I exclaim.

"I'll be sure to tell John. He's the gardener. This is what I wanted to show you" He beckons me from his spot near the computer "You can sit over there" He gestures to a second wheelchair. I sit down and turn to him expectantly.

He turns on his computer selects a file and presses play. The room is filled with the mournful opening strains of a Death Cab for Cutie song. The animation begins with a mouse running through a maze. He struggles to find his way through it but when he gets to the other side he seems even more lost. He turns around and re-enters the maze.

"Did you do that?" I ask awed.

"Yeah. What did you think?"

"You are so talented. Not very optimistic though"

He blushes

"Good thing I am not in a very shiny happy space either" I laugh.

"Then I'll take it as a compliment"

"Do you have any others?"

We are interrupted by the sound of my name being shouted down the corridor.

"I'd better go," I sigh as I reach for his pad and write down my email address.

"What's this for?" He asks when I hand him the pad.

"So you can email me the rest of your videos or find me on facebook or something," I explain.

He smiles "How about we just hang out the next time you're here? As you can tell, I spend a lot of time here" He gestures to his room.

I wave at him and he waves back.

Trish is waiting for me at the end of the corridor.

"I see you met Zach" She smiles "He's been asking about you since you started"

"He seems cool"

"He is a such a sweet boy"

She unplugs me and checks my mouth for sores before escorting me to the taxi that is waiting for me. Marcia and Dudders had to work and it wasn't enough notice to ask one of our neighbours.

When I get home I am surprised to find the door open. I am even more surprised to find Jase's Mum in the kitchen doing the dishes.

"Hi Tina" I greet her as I walk in "What are you doing here?"

"Oh Hi sweetie!" She rinses her hands and turns to give me a big hug "Let's get you set up on the couch"

Before I can get another word out she has ushered me over to the couch and set me up with my medicine, a glass of water and a blanket.

"I met Marcia on her way to work. So silly of you guys not to ask one of us to come get you. Anyway, I told her I would come check up on you" She explains when she sees my puzzled expression.

"Thanks" I say leaning back on the cushions and closing my eyes "I'm sorry I won't be great company"

She smiles and heads back to the kitchen. I wake up to the smell of chicken grilling. At any other time this smell would be delicious and enticing. Instead it sends me hobbling unsteadily to the bathroom.

"Sweetie are you okay?" Tina yells through the door which, thankfully, I had the presence of mind to lock.

"I'm fine. I'm just going to hang out in here for a bit and make sure it's all gone" I assure her.

"Marcia called while you were napping. She wanted to go for dinner with Tom but she said to call her if you got sick.." Tina trails off.

"No. Don't call her. Her and Tom need a night out without me ruining everything. I'll be fine"
"Okay" She sounds dubious "Jase wanted to know if he could come over for a bit and say hi"

"Of course he can. In like half an hour though.."

She agrees. In ten minutes I head to my room where it doesn't smell of food. I put on my seasickness bands and pop in the downton abbey DVD my Dudders brought over with him.

Tina pops her head in and asks if I want anything. When she brings me back my ginger ale she gets engrossed in the show and pulls up a chair. We are both speculating about the first episode before moving on to the second one when the doorbell rings.

When Tina comes back she has Jase with her. He doesn't seem too keen on being supervised by his Mother so she leaves us alone. I direct him to the bed and he leans over and kisses me before kicking off his shoes and joining me.

"You are getting way too skinny" He observes when he puts his arms around me.

"I know. I am going to pig out when chemo is over and gain it all back"

"I can't wait"

"Are you sure? I am going to go hard. It's going to be disgusting"

"I promise I won't look"

"So how was school today?" I ask.

"Pretty lame. There was this thing that they served for dinner that tasted like beef fish but they made the announcement about the wrestling meet so I was a bit of a hero for a while there"

"Any girls I need to deal with when I get back?"

He laughs.

"How was chemo?"

"Pretty lame, but I met a guy Zach who lives there. He's pretty cool and he is our age so at least I have company"
"Do I need to deal with him?" He asks.
"My boyfriend's a hot shot wrestler now and he is going to let me wear his letterman jacket into school tomorrow so everyone knows we are going steady. And on Saturday I'm going to watch him writhe around on the floor panting and sweating with some other dude. I'm a lucky girl. And just as soon as we can get the dowry money together he is going to marry me Pa I know he is" I smile teasing him gently.
He groans, "I thought we agreed about the American accent?" He jokes.
"I think you should wear my jacket tomorrow" He says seriously.
"Why? It'll be huge on me" I note.
"Because I love you and it's what people our age do right? When they are in love? I want everyone to know that you are my girl" He says.
He has been doing this lately. Even though I am doing okay all things considering he still gets serious on me at the slightest provocation.
"Everyone knows I'm your girlfriend. I think the fact that we are always together and the borderline inappropriate touching tipped them off. I'd love to wear your jacket, it smells like you. I love the way you smell" My voice gets deep and I snuggle into him.
He smiles.
"I love your smile" As I pull in for a kiss "I love your eyes" I say as I break the kiss long enough to take off his sunglasses "I love the way your skin looks against mine" I kiss him again. This time he breaks the kiss.
He turns away and clears his throat but not before I catch the hurt expression on his face. I realize what I just said.
"Jase. Babe, I am so sorry" I say. I cannot believe I could have been that insensitive.
"No. Don't be. I'm being really stupid. It's just.." He pauses looking like he might change his mind before sighing and continuing "the guys at practice were talking about you the other day, you know, how you look. Apparently you are really hot stuff at our school" He smiles before continuing.
"I didn't even know who it was until they got to the accent. I had no idea if it was you. I had a dream I could see and I couldn't recognize anyone. I was lost in this sea of faces of people I should have known. It was weird.... " He trails off.
"When I was a kid I was really afraid that I was ugly. That everyone knew how ugly I was except for me. I thought I'd only dreamed what I remembered I looked like and I was hideous."
"I don't suppose that face touching stuff from TV works?" I ask.
"No" He laughs.
"It's just one thing. It's the surface. You know parts of me that those guys will never get close to" I can't resist I press my chest against his and then graze my breasts lightly across his chest, smiling at his wide eyed reaction.
"You are not ugly. Trust me. I'm shallow." I say pulling him in for a kiss. He deepens it this time. Pulling me in roughly. I let out a whimper of pleasure. He has been so gentle with me since I got sick. He pushes me back on the bed and I bite back a groan when my catheter tugs uncomfortably. His hand snakes down my pants and I am surprised, but not unpleasantly. He takes me to a place where I don't think about anything at all, just feel. It is all sensation. It is  jarring but almost a relief when it is over and I return to myself. I reach over and push him back on to the cushions wanting to wipe that self satisfied smirk off his face. When my mouth connects with him I look up and watch his eyes widen with surprise. His facial expressions are almost comical and when he grabs the sheets and groans I almost laugh.

When we are finished we just lie there together for a bit. None of us were really expecting that to happen but I feel glad that it did. I feel warm and giddy and incredibly powerful. I didn't know I could do that to him. Almost immediately I want to do it again so I can memorize every little shift in his expression and the bloom as his face flushes. His Mum calls and reminds him that he has school the next day and his head pops up. He jumps of the bed and does up his fly before trying to smooth down his hair.
"Why bother? Your expression is like a dead give-away. She is going to be able to tell right away" I tease.
"Then you should think of a story for why you corrupted her little angel."
I throw a pillow at him.
It just sets us off again.
He leaves half an hour later.

The next day at school Ms. Dawes who is the English teacher and supervises the school paper asks me to stay after and see her at the beginning of the lesson. I run a quick mental inventory of all my actions to make sure that I haven't done anything wrong; even though I am pretty sure I haven't. Mrs. Dawes has the look of someone who is incredibly together. She is something of a legend in school so I know that she lives with her boyfriend who is a photography teacher and ski instructor and I know that she is writing a book but there is also the stuff you can tell just by looking at her. She is the kind of person who has never ever worn chipped nail polish. Her vintage shirt is perfectly ironed and her bangs fall just so. I bet she has a lifestyle blog. I think she is amazing but I don't have her for English so we've never really talked.
"Aisha- thanks for staying. I wanted to say that I think your writing for the paper has been really good. I know it is a crazy time for you but I had a challenge I thought you would enjoy" She starts without preamble. She heads to her desk and pulls out a flyer and hands it to me.
"The University is sponsoring a short story competition for local high schools. I thought you might like to enter?"
"Can I think about it?" I ask
"Sure but both Mr. Eckles and I agree that you need an opportunity to really push your writing. Think about it and get back to me"

As I head out to meet Jase I can't help but feel incredibly flattered by my teachers confidence in me. I don't know if I am going to do it but I feel really lucky that they asked. I am surprised to see Jase being lead by a girl that I don't know. She is wearing a cheerleaders uniform and her head is tilted as she listens to what he says and laughs dramatically. I know that laugh. I paste on a smile and wave at them.
"Are you Jase's ride?" She asks me seriously as if she is handing over a young child to a taxi driver. Instead of trying to figure out who this is more insulting to I move in and kiss Jase on the cheek. His arms wrap around me instinctively and his head sinks into my shoulder.
"Coach was brutal today!" He groans theatrically.
I almost feel bad as I watch her try to keep her facial expression neutral.
"Hi. I'm Aisha" I smile as Jase breaks our hug only to find my hand and hold it.
"Hi. I'm Taylor" She smiles. She also flicks back her impressive mane of brown hair. Damn her, I think, feeling very bald and then very petty and small.
"Where are my manners? Taylor this is Aisha, my girlfriend. Aisha this is Taylor- she is my spirit aide" He smirks slightly as he says it.
"Spirit aide?" I ask.
"The cheerleaders are assigned to members of the varsity squad- to cheer them on" Taylor explains.
"You made varsity!?" I exclaim excitedly.
"I did" Jase laughs.
I pull him in for a kiss. I cannot help but make it extra passionate and gross. To send a message to Taylor. In my defence, I am not proud of my behaviour. I'm not sure when she walks away but when I come up for air she is gone.
"Jeez. Can I get my tonsils back?" He jokes.
"How are we celebrating?" I ask.
"Seriously. What was that about? Are you jealous of my spirit aide?"
"A little. She made me feel follicular-ly challenged" I admit.
Jase laughs.
"It's not funny" I pout but after a while I relent and laugh with him.
Although I know I am being paranoid I send Taylor a facebook friend request that night. Enemies closer and all that.