"I think we should go after this thing aggressively" Dr. Brown asserts. Everyone nods sagely in agreement. None of them know what aggressive feels like. I think he notes my lack of enthusiasm and continues "I know this is hard for you but it is our only shot. You have to be ready to fight" He encourages me.
I just nod. Marcia exchanges a concerned glance with Rose. They all think I'm depressed. Maybe I am but I think that I'm just tired. Tired and overwhelmed.
"Why don't you take the weekend to process things? We can talk again on Monday." Rose suggests.
Marcia nods gratefully and immediately stands up grabbing her handbag and heading to the door.
"We'll talk on Monday" She says to Dr. Brown as a goodbye. He doesn't seem happy about this but he accepts it as graciously as he can. I follow Marcia to the car. We drive in silence until Marcia slams on the brakes and pulls to the side of the rude. I turn to her surprised and am shocked to see that she looks angry. She looks furious. At me.
"I think this is the longest you have ever gone without speaking" She begins. Her eyes flash accusations at me.
"You are so selfish!" She screams when I don't answer.
"What?" I splutter. I can't believe that she would call me that. Especially now.
"You've just shut down! Given up! That is so not fair. I'm here too. You can't leave me alone. I'm scared too. You can't just shut down and lock me out. You are the only family I have" She yells her voice breaking when she begins to sob.
For a moment I have no idea what to say. Then I realize that she is right. I have been a monosyllabic zombie all week and it isn't fair to her. I need to accept that this is really happening.
"I'm freaking out" I admit.
"Of course you are. Was that so hard to say?" She asks.
"No" I admit, this time more sheepishly.
"Good" She grumbles good naturedly as she restarts the car and pulls back on to the road.
Dudders is waiting for us when we get home. I let Marcia answer his questions about how it went and head out to see Jase. I have missed him so much. I check my watch when I leave the house. He should be home now. I knock on the door and Arnold answers.
"Hey!" He greets me casually as he lets me in "Jase is upstairs" His hands and mouth are full of sandwich and he rushes back to the living room once I am in the foyer. I assume he is in the middle of one of his gaming marathons. The music is pretty loud coming from Jase's room so I knock loudly. I hear him walk around and turn down the music.
"Who is it?" He asks as he approaches the door.
"It's me" At the sound of his voice my fatigued body yearns to be close to his and feel his strong firm torso pressed against mine.
He opens the door and I immediately pull him in for a hug. If he is surprised he recovers admirably and holds me tight. After a few moments I tilt my head upwards and initiate a kiss. Before I know we are in the middle of a heavy make out session on the bed. Jase pulls away first.
"I really missed you this week. How did it go today?" He asks sitting up against the headboard and pulling me in to lie next to him. I rest my head on his chest listening to his deep voice vibrating under me.
"Leukaemia. Stage 2. I'm supposed to be taking the weekend to think about my treatment options but I am going to lose my shit if I hear one more thing about it. Lets go do something?Anything at all as long as it has nothing to do with my week" I ask. God, I sound pathetic. "Let's just put all that other stuff way in the back and save it for Monday," I finish.
"Okay. I know just what to do" Jase replies confidently jumping off his bed and finding his phone.
An hour later we are sitting inside the skate park. Jase, Eli, Hannah and Brett are spreading out picnic blankets over the concrete. Hannah smiles at Brett and gives him a quick kiss before heading to the car to pick up the food.
"So do you want to do this before eating and drinking or after?" Jase asks as he approaches me tentatively. I break out of my reverie and move to meet him halfway.
"Before, I guess" I strap on my helmet, pick up my board and approach the edge of the new ramp.
I wasn't sure this was a good idea until I felt my stomach clench in anticipation, like it always does when I just start falling in the moment before my board, my feet and the ground meet. I ride the curve of the skate bowl. Feeling warmed up I try some tricks. My heart is pumping and my whole body is working with me to make this happen. I land again. I fly some more and then I land. The wind is on my face and I can hear my friends cheering; the universe is working in unison and I have missed being at the centre of it. I skate until I am scared my knees might give way if I carry on. I am sweaty, elated and exhausted. And finally ready to face my friends.
Jase and Eli are deep in a conversation while Hannah and Brett are deep in making googly eyes at each other mode when I approach the picnic blanket. I smile at them and grab a drink after I put my board down.
"Okay, I guess I'll ask. You miss a week of school and then Jase tells us to come watch you skate. I'm not an expert but this doesn't seem normal. What is going on?" Eli asks. It comes out fast and sarcastic but his eyes crinkle and I know he is concerned.
"Can't a guy call up his friends to hang out at a skate park on a Friday afternoon? To relax and take in the scenery?" Jase asks jokingly attempting to deflect Eli's question. He gestures expansively at his surroundings and everyone looks around. It is mostly industrial concrete.
It works and the tension is broken. We hang out and eat the brownies that Hannah baked and chat for a while. I get back on my board and skate until it is dark. Everyone is trying to decide whether to head to the cafe or get a movie and some pizza when I know that I have to tell them. That this is happening and I have to face up to my life.
I clear my throat "Guys. There is something I need to tell you". Jase gives my hand a squeeze.
"I'm sick. I have cancer, that's why I missed school this week and that's why I've been so quiet today. I've been trying to figure out how to say it." I finish lamely.
The only sound is cars on the nearby road. After what seems like an eternity Eli clears his throat and speaks.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"I'm fine. I start chemo and radiation next week so I'll be not so fine for a bit. And then I'll be fine again" I try to joke. Hannah won't make eye contact with me. Brett has noticed as well and is watching her with concern.
"I don't really want pizza. I'm kind of tired. Brett will you take me home?" Hannah finally speaks and begins to get up packing up the remnants of the picnic.
"Hannah I don't think we should.." Brett begins.
"Take me home Brett" She begins to run toward the car. Brett hugs me quickly and promises to call before following Hannah to the car.
"I should go talk to her" I begin to get up but Jase holds my arm to restrain me."
"Maybe you should just give her some space. She'll be okay." He doesn't look as sure as he sounds.
"Do you guys still want to go grab something to eat?" Eli asks his voice is falsely cheerful.
"No I think this kind of put a damper on the whole evening. I'm just going to head home" I answer with a smile.
"Let's have breakfast at the diner tomorrow?" He suggests.
"You're going to wake up on a Sunday?" Jase asks incredulously.
"I'll meet you guys at 11. Church will be over, right?" He asks.
"Yeah. We'll see you then" I answer.
We all get up and head to the parking lot in silence. I lead Jase to the car and we get in. The ride is silent and he doesn't seem surprised when I park the car and ask to come in when we get to his house.
"My parents went out for dinner. Is the car in the driveway?" Jase asks.
"No. Should I park down the street so they don't see my car?" I ask.
"Might be a good idea." He agrees.
We head upstairs and we are kissing on his bed. The only sounds are the bed moving beneath us and the soft music playing.
"Do you have a condom?" I ask breathlessly. The question is out before I can take it in but I know the second I say it that it is what I want.
"No" Jase answers surprised "Why?"
"I don't really want to get pregnant" I answer hurrying to unbutton his shirt.
"Wait" He holds his shirt together "I mean, why now?"
"Why not now? Don't you want to?" I ask incredulous.
"Of course I want to but not like this" He answers.
"Like how? What do you mean?" I ask sitting up and straightening my hair. I suddenly feel very slutty. And slut isn't even a word I use; on myself or on other women.
"Like you're saying goodbye or using this as some sort of escape" He says quietly.
"I'm not" I declare defensively. I am.
"I just always thought our first time would be special or at least really about us" He explains.
"We might not get another chance" I whisper.
"Don't say that. We will. Of course we will." He holds my hand and I let myself believe him because I really, really want to believe.
"What do you mean our first time?" I ask.
"Huh?"
"You said our; not my first time but our first time. Have you already had sex with someone else?" I ask.
"You said our; not my first time but our first time. Have you already had sex with someone else?" I ask.
There is a long pause before he decides not to lie to me.
"I have. I just kind of wanted to get it over with so I hooked up with a girl from my brothers high school at a party last summer. It was... really weird she was really aggressive.." He trails off.
"Aggressive how?" I encourage him stifling my laughter.
"She bit me like really hard. It wasn't all her fault I was kind of afraid I would poke her in the eye or something so I wasn't really... moving around much" He explains.
I can't help it. I burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh!" He exclaims before dissolving into giggles.
"What about you? Have you ever had sex?" He asks.
"No" I answer.
"Why not?" He asks.
"I've never been in love before and thank God I waited" I answer.
"Why?"
"Because if I didn't love you I would have been out the door and never have spoken to you again the second you rejected me. I wouldn't have even been able to hear the explanation. Thinking about my first time makes me feel really excited but also really nervous and vulnerable, really naked. But I know you love me and I love you and I trust that. So I feel safe." I explain haltingly.
"Wow" He doesn't really say the word. He exhales it.
"Yeah, wow" and in this moment I really do think that everything will be okay. It's not just about Jase and I but all the people who I love and who love me. I chose to believe that life will be fair and that someone so blessed with love will be allowed to stick around and enjoy it. And then I think; screw allowed I am going to fight.
