part 2

I watch Marcia delicately sniff the air as we step off the plane "It took what feels like 3 and a half weeks in the sky but we are here. Colorado, darling, and it smells like hope, sunshine, apple pie, adorable farm hands!"She proclaims with mock solemnity.
"Wow", I smile cutting her off knowing her tendancy to ramble on "all that from the air conditioned airport that we literally just stepped into"
"Yes Aisha, all that. Unfortunately what I cannot smell is how the hell we are going to get to Everwood and our new lives. It's 2am, I checked online and the car rental doesn't have any more models with GPS- so unless you want to navigate with a map while driving in the dark on the wrong side of the road. The wrong side of the road because we are in a new country, headed to a podunk town that we have never been to or heard of because we hatched this insane plane to..."
"Steady there Marcia" I hold on to her trying to literally stop her from going down that line of thought "adorable farm hands, remember the adorable farm hands" I say it soothingly as if trying to calm a spooked horse. Only when she doesn't respond to this blatant condascension do I realise that Marcia is freaking out.
"One thing at a time Marcia, okay. First let's clear immigration. Then we'll check into an airport hotel and drive to Everwood in the morning. We'll be okay" I say with a certainty I hope will convince her.
She nods her head slightly and I drag her to the immigration desks grateful that arriving at an ungodly hour means never having to wait in queue. Our passports are scrutinised since it is our first entry on our new residential permits but we are stamped through and collect our bags. I am attempting to make a reservation at the nearest hotel on my Iphone when Marcia nudges me pointing in the direction of a sign that reads "Ogilivie sisters".
"Huh? Did you arrange for someone to meet us?" She asks gesturing at my phone
"I wish I could say yes and put this silly Iphone vs Blackberry thing to rest but there are no apps for that" I say cautiously approaching the man holding the sign.
"Hi um we are the Ogilvy sisters- are you here to meet us?" I smile at him enquiringly.
"You guys are sisters?"
Marcia and I smile at eachother. It was a bit harsh it blurt it out like that but Marcia and I do look totally different. My sister is gorgeous- a body that conforms to current patriachal norms of beauty by obligingly dipping and curving in all the right places, beautiful mocha skin,long dark curly hair, green eyes and a wide playful smile. Men tend to only notice the body but anyone who looks deeper would know that my sister is truly beautiful- she lights up from the inside. I'm not going to insult myself by making allusions to the ugly duckling but we do look very different. We are actually half sisters- My dad is half African, Marcia's biological mother his first wife was white and my mother the woman who we both called mum and who raised us both was African. So where Marcia's skin is mocha mine is the chocolate, my eyes are brown and my hair is relaxed and cropped in a tidy bob with sweeping bangs. I think my smile is just as playful as Marica's but my eyes hold a bit more mischeif and yes a smidge more potential cruelty. I always take the joke too far. Marcia was always nice trying to put people at ease and I did... well I just didn't.
"We are- half sisters biologically but full sisters in every way that counts" Marcia replies brightly while I roll my eyes at her. She knows I hate it when she feels the need to explain what she calls our unique situation. My issues are two part; 1. Our situation is not that unique and 2. Our situation isn't really anybody's business.
"I'm sorry- we didn't book a car or anything who sent you?" I ask sensing that Marcia would need 10 minutes of warm up chit chat before asking this crucial question.
"Sorry- I'm spaced because its so late but I'm Kevin-The realtor and when you called to say your flight had been delayed and you wouldn't be able to pick up the keys today.. or um yesterday.. I thought I would pick you up and save you the hassle of finding the town in the dark. I was in Denver anyway meeting some friends so it wasn't too much trouble"
I appraise Kevin as he speaks he has a mild mannered demeanour and dresses well. Not too flashy but showing good sound fashion judgement. His sandy hair is croppped shortly and he has a kind smile.
"I'm impressed- that really does go above and beyond the call and duty. Thanks." I smile with what I hope is appropriate warmth considering 48 hours surrounded by recycled air
"My car is this way you guys must be exhausted" Kevin says leading us toward the double doors exit.
"Yes we are- we've basically been travelling for two whole days. It has been insane" Marcia replied and the conversation moved easily between them.
I followed behind knowing that Marcia would keep Kevin entertained the whole way there and I would only have to contribute sporadically.
Once inside Kevin's Pick up I sit back and half listen to him and Marcia talk, they seem to have a lot in common. At least one of us will have a friend. I squint into the darkness attempting to make out something that would give me a hint as to what lay ahead. The pick up rumbles gently beneath me and eventually I doze off.
When we arrive at the Cozy Tavern Bed and Breakast I am woken up by my sister's squeal of laughter at the name.
"Cozy Tavern! Wow-they could have just gone with Fuzzy Snuggles- that is a much more direct path to get your cutesy message across"
"Actually Fuzzy Snuggles sounds awesome right now" I laugh rubbing my eyes.
"Hey, welcome back- I'm just going to go and grab the keys. Mrs Donnelly is extremely nozy and will not leave you alone until she knows your entire life story and with two newbies landing in the middle of the night- this stuff is like crack for her".
Kevin returned after a few minutes and we all walked to the room in silence and exchanged quick goodbye hugs with Kevin. I cried dibs on the shower in a brilliant use of a classic little sister manouvre. I was waiting in Marcia's bed when she got out of the shower. She wasn't suprised to see me there. Even at the ripe old age of 16 I was not above the comfort of sharing a bed.
"You were great at the airport you know. I was freaking out a little" Marcia confesses as she climbs into bed.
"A little?" I chuckle and protect my face as she chucks a pillow at my head, "What about now- do you still think this is crazy?"
She turns out the light and I can feel her measuring her words in the dark. She knows I am not asking casually.
"This is full on crazy, certifiably insane, but it feels right. But Mum used to say that we were at our strongest together- a good team and we are going to be fine" She whispers the words fiercely.
"Mum also thought tea would solve any problem. Smart lady" I reply.
Marcia drifts off to sleep quickly and I lie into the dark listening to our synchronised breathing. Marcia is the only family I have left so her breathing and the warm weight of her beside me in the bed are the most solid and most fragile things I own. I turn making myself more comfortable I haven't been sleeping so great since my Father died but tonight I am exhausted. I listen for Everwood, wanting it to tell me something. The only reply is silence and my sister's breathing. I settle into the sound and fall asleep.

Part 1

So here we are new house in a new town in a new country. As close to a completely clean slate as Marcia and I could manage. We arrive in our new home (purchased on-line trusting digital photos and a very nice estate agent, Kevin) and survey the bricks and mortar that will make up our new lives. It was only then that I understood fully what we have just done. I feel the need to state, for the record, that neither my sister nor I are retarded intellectually or emotionally. I think that we are both fully aware of the ridiculous impossibility of our mission. We know that grief cannot be outrun, cannot be defeated my the simple act of putting 5000 km between us and everything that reminds us of our parents. The fact that we are recently orphaned is one of those incredibly resonant truths totally untethered by Geography. We are both fully aware of the stark unavoidability of it all. But since this plan formed a few days after the funeral it has gathered momentum- we moved on from idly discussing the idea of a magical place we dubbed "anywhere else" to more concrete plans about what to do with the house and where we would live and what we would do.

In keeping with the spirit of operation "anywhere else" we decided that the where should be totally random. So a dart and a map we found in my father's study made the decision for us. Marcia got first throw as the oldest, i suspect she intentionally aimed up in an attempt to keep us in the northern hemisphere, and it worked- United States of America. I got the second throw that narrowed in location- Colorado and then Marcia picked a town because dart throwing became impractical. Everwood because she liked the "sturdy romance" of the name. I smiled sarcastically (as the younger sister I was obliged to) but I agreed with her. It sounded like a lovely little town. I've always appreciated American's for their warmth- genuine or otherwise. Goodbye London with the constant gloom and hello...anything else. Next thing I knew we were searching for a house, buying tickets, saying goodbye to friends and boarding a plane. Everyone probably thought that we were crazy but we were driven forward by the plan's momentum and the direction that it gave us- saving us from the helplessness and inaction of grief. We were moving. We both knew that once the frenzy dulled we would probably just be two very silly English girls in Colorado and that grief would find us then and it would probably hit us harder having gained some momentum of its own as it followed us across the ocean relishing our delusion knowing that it would only make the reality of our loss that bit more difficult to deal with. We both knew this but on we went, emboldened by Kevin, friendly Americans neighbours, red bull, sympathetic tuts by people we once considered friends, concerned sideways glances, delusion, sturdy romance and the promise of anywhere else.

Nineteen.

I am brimming

Nothing happening

I’d like screaming

Under water

I am bristling

Nothing’s changing

It’s like screaming

Under water

I am searching

Finding nothing

It’s like choking

Under water

I am groping

Touching nothing

I am still

Under water.