There was a boy a boy who filled all the space in my tiny studio
Whose grotty rucksack filled my one room with strange
boy- manly bits and bobs
Every corner overpowered by his
boy-manly smell

His hands moved when he spoke
Urging me to pay attention
to follow along
to respond
He leaned forward when I spoke
His hands still
but still drawing out my words
They ran to him
Leapt into his waiting hands
still but beckoning
My words like neglected puppies.

There was a boy, a boy who took up all the room
Who touched me without asking
Without hesitation as if referencing some prior agreement
Like my body was nothing more than an extension of his
to give pleasure and to take it
I have never wanted to belong to anyone
But I co opted my body and we owned them both jointly
My skin flushed at my touch
His breathe quickened with his kiss
His breast and my hand and my dick and his lips and it was all
a jumble

There was a boy who took up all the room
and filled everything with a thing that I never knew existed
A thing that made me want to open up and open wide and let it all in
brimming and gagging
Wipe the excess of my face with the back of my hand smiling indulgently at the waste
at the abundance.
I couldn't stop smiling even in the dark
My feet pressed lightly against his- confirming
As we shared secrets and dreams and plans
And listened to eachothers breathing and teased
Giggling
I could not stop smiling because it felt like the beginning of everything
I never knew to hope for
Of what life was meant to be like.

And he sent out three words
emissaries in the dark that held in them
A promise and a prison and hope and a tremor of uncertainty
Their weightlessness took my breath away.

There was a boy who left behind so many empty spaces
and I knew through him how awful and lonely this world can be
Before I didn't know any better
How do you thank someone for a lesson that cannot be unlearned?

This is a new place
She noted that as she looked around
A place she knew nothing about
That knew nothing of her
A new place, its nature still unknown
surface unscratched
secrets unsold.

This new place seemed impossible
When judged from the cusp of
the old
The place she thought she once knew
(truth be told- already fading)
That she hoped knew something of her
(truth be told- seems unlikely)
The chasm between the old and new is where she stood poised
For a long while
deciding- to leap or surrender
The old place was no place for the living
The new place was no place for you
And so suspended- she toyed with both
static, stasis, stuck
Apologising over and over to ghosts
who have abandoned the language of forgiveness
who refuse to negotiate
A thousand? she offers-
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry for letting go- for contemplating jumping
for being seduced my momentum.
For waking up every morning to find a new little piece lost
The specifics of a smell- underneath the cologne, the toothpaste
the deoderant
What was that underneath smell?

She knows with a terrible certainty that even on the cusp
things are lost- piece by piece blown over the edge
This is how entire mountains are lost
Deserts shifted
sorry sorry sorry sorry
"They do not respond
which must mean, hang on, keep trying, keep paying" she reasons.
sorry sorry sorry sorry
In truth no one is listening- no one is there
and the ghosts that offer no replies
have moved by their own waves to their own new place.

"Given the impossibility of truly hanging on to things
The new place isn't good or bad- just new
And further away from you"
she jumps
And lands on her feet
(which is a pleasant surprise)
In a new place.