I pull up the sleeves on Jase's letterman jacket as I approach my locker. The thing is huge on me but the dumb grin he wore on his face as he pulled it on me this morning is going to be worth shoving the sleeves up all day at school. Only steady girlfriends get to wear the jackets on the day of a pep rally. I smile at Hannah who is waiting at my locker. Jase's jacket is a little big for me but poor Hannah is absolutely drowning in Brett's jacket. I try, and fail, to stifle my mirth.
"I know. I look ridiculous" She sighs.
"We both look ridiculous"
"No. I look ridiculous. You are almost puling it off. How do you look so good all the time?"
"A natural gift" I say sardonically swinging my imaginary hair.
Hannah laughs "Before you get a big head I said you almost pulled it off"
"Ready to go cheer on her boys?" Her voice is falsely cheery.
"So you don't like Mackenzie?" I ask throwing some stuff into my locker. Hannah pursed her lips so tight when she first met Brett's spirit aide they disappeared.
"No. I do not like Mackenzie at all and she is flirting with Brett and Brett thinks I am being unreasonable but she is a cheerleader, Aisha. And we all know what that means?"
"We really don't" Aisha jokes but swallows hard to fight a dizzy spell and rising nausea.
"It means she is hell bent on stealing my man is what it means" Hannah says seriously as we walk to the quad where the pep rally is going to be held.
"Yeah well what can we do? Without seeming like jealous bitches completely devoid of school spirit?" I ask.
She sighs.
"Who is a jealous bitch completely devoid of school spirit?" Eli asks as he rounds a corner to join his friends. He notes how tired Aisha looks and quietly takes her tote off her shoulder. She throws him a grateful smile.
"We are just plotting how to get rid of the spirit aides" Hannah says.
"Easy. Send them my way. I will happily take them off your hands" He rubs his hands gleefully.
Hannah smacks him.
They arrive in the quad and everything was decorated festively. The marching band was standing ready to begin and almost the entire student population was chatting in the quad waiting for it to start.
"Oh hey Aisha!" Taylor yelled as she bounded over "How are you today? Did you see the Vampire diaries last night?" She asks cheerfully.
I told her I am going to watch it tonight. We schedule a time to chat about it and I introduce her to Hannah who turns to me with a raised eyebrow when Taylor bounds away to join the other cheerleaders.
"What was that about?" She asks almost accusingly.
"I figure if we are friends she might not be inclined to..."
"Seduce Jase?"
I nod shamefaced.
"I like it when you are as petty and jealous as I am" She laughs.
"I can't help it. Her hair is just so shiny".
Our conversation is interrupted by the Coach standing at the podium. He says some stuff about how amazing our team is and everybody cheers. I watch Jase standing up there laughing at something Brett just whispered in his ear. Brett catches my eye and waves at me and Hannah. We wave back. He whispers something to Jase and he waves at us. Kind of.
I am feeling terrible as I stand there but I swallow again and focus on Jase. The next fifteen minutes drags on for an eternity and I need to sit down.
"Are you okay?" Hannah asks as I try to discreetly move out of the crowd and sit on something.
No, I have cancer I cannot help but think. Instead of saying that I smile and mime that I am finding somewhere to sit.
And I find somewhere to sit. And I focus on my breathing and not passing out or throwing up until it is over.
Brett brings Jase over and then runs off with Hannah.
"Are you okay?" Jase's face crumples with concern.
"No. I don't think I can drive. I'm sorry"
He squeezes my hand "Don't worry about it. I'll call my Mum"
And he does but Eli comes over and offers to drive us home. They drop me off and everything hurts and I am exhausted and tired of being sick. And then I fall asleep.
I don't get up the next day. No one bothers me. I stay in bed and watch old episodes of the OC on my laptop in between naps. I think about my parents.
I get up the next day but I don't go to school. I wander from room to room in the house. I take two showers. I paint my toenails. Marcia comes to pick me up for chemo and I get in the car wordlessly. She says things to me and I make all the right noises in response. I can't really hear her.
"Hey" Zach approaches me as we walk into the facility.
"Hey" I say as I walk into the room where I am usually set up. I sit down, remove the feeder tube for my catheter and lean back prepared to take a nap.
"You look tired" Zach notes as he enters the room.
"Cancer will do that to you" I answer wearily.
"You had cancer last week and you were fine. You've just hit a wall"
"What do you know about it?"
"I've been here a while, watched a lot of patients come and go. It's just a rough patch"
"Oh okay then" I say with mock relief.
"Lets go sit in the garden..It'll make you feel better"
I still feel awful but the garden is beautiful and as annoying as he is; Zach is absolutely right. It's a rough patch and I need to actively try to make it a little better.
I follow him using the pole to support myself. We get to the garden and sit in silence for a little bit.
"Still bummed out?" He asks.
"Yeah. I mean, the garden is nice but not that nice"
"I know some knock-knock jokes?" He suggests.
I scoff.
"Knock knock" He begins.
"Who's there?" I acquiesce pulling my robe around me.
"Cash"
"Cash who?"
"No thanks, but I would like a peanut." He finishes smirking in my direction.
I chuckle.
"Knock knock" He begins again
"Who's there?"
"Thermos"
"Thermos who?"
"Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this"
Another chuckle.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Howl"
"Howl who?"
"Howl you know unless you open the door?"
"Moron" I say but I am laughing.
He smiles with satisfaction and I realize that he has done it. I am cheered up.
"Why are you here anyway?" I ask him.
"What do you mean?" He asks shifting uncomfortably and pretending to be obtuse.
"Are you dying? Coalescing? Re-habing? What?" I ask bluntly.
"That was blunt"
"Stop evading"
"Fine. It's complicated but basically my parents don't want me. Which makes me not want them so its just simpler this way"
"Simpler is living in an institution full of sick dying people? With no one your own age? And not going to school? Has your family never heard of boarding school?"
He laughs.
"Actually that was the idea I was waiting here before heading off and this just became semi-permanent. I like it here."
"Really?"
"I came out and they are not speaking to me so I kinda feel like I am lucky to have anywhere to live. They pay for this place. They pay for this place and my tutor.." He trails off.
"They're not de-gayifying you here. Are they?" I ask horrified.
"No. Just babysitting" He laughs.
"You should come to school. To our school" I suggest.
"It's kinda far" He reasons.
"You could take the bus."
"This afternoon was supposed to be about you" He laughs.
"Okay. We can talk about me"
"How is school?"
"Fine. Jase has some girl with freaking perfect hair following him around now. Its whatever"
"Isn't he blind? What does he care about her hair?" He sounds legitimately confused.
"He doesn't. It's just this constant reminder that he has enough on his plate. He doesn't need me. He needs simple; like Taylor."
"I think he decides what he needs."
"Which would be fine if I wasn't so invested in something outside of my control."
"Yeah" He agrees.
"Are you in a relationship?" I ask.
"We are talking about you."
"Okay. We've been together 2 months."
"Is that something people celebrate?"
"It's my longest relationship."
"Then you should celebrate." He says simply.
The conversation meanders from there. We talk about music, boys and I tell him more about my school. We watch the birds on the bird feeder and the time passes quickly. A nurse's aide comes to get me and I am unplugged and I chat with Dudders on the way home. And I am still sick but I think that I am going to be okay.
