Part 11

Some things will never change. Like me standing in front of a closet pre date wrapped in a towel trying to figure out what to wear. Standing in front of Marcia's closet to be specific honouring the age old tradition of little sisters pilfering clothes from their older siblings. I look at Marcia's perfectly colour coordinated wardrobe and decide against it. All her clothes are way too sophisticated and I have a feeling Brett might be more of a bowling or gaming arcade type of guy. I glance down at my watch and realise I only have 10 minutes before he comes by to pick me up. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in skype-ing my friend Siobhan. I miss her and although we stayed online for ages we may as well have been communicating from different universes. Our only common point of reference is a world I want to forget and my new world may be too foreign for Siobhan to relate to. Maybe if she comes to visit she will understand that I need space to come out of this however I come out of it. I don't need a hundred pairs of eyes trying to watch me back into the mould of the old me. Siobhan would piss herself laughing if she could hear my thoughts I think as I pull on my dress. She doesn't believe in self contemplation or self actualization and rolled her eyes through every metaphysical conversation we ever had at school. She said that people waste too much time worrying about being true to themselves "You are yourself you are being you I really don't understand how so many clever fucking people got caught up in such a ridiculous debate. You are what you do. Simple." She declared in the dining hall one night and to prove her point she grabbed Kristen her roommate who was sitting next to her and planted a kiss right on her she laughingly pulled a strand of her long blonde hair out of Kristen's lips which were slackly parted with shock "Kristen you wouldn't be upset if you weren't so invested in seeing yourself as straight. I on the other hand have it all figured out." She raised her glass in a toast and I clinked it with her noting her glassy green eyes and knowing that her glass was full of vodka and that she was the only one in school with the guts to drink so brazenly. I got caught up in more than a few of Siobhan's schemes and she got caught up in mine. The memory makes me decide to take a page out of her book. Tonight I am nobody other than a girl going out with a cute guy at her new school. I slick on some lip balm and am trying to decide on whether or not to wear a headband when the bell rings. I hear Brett's deep male voice laughing at something Marcia said. I slip on the headband, some patent flats and grab a cardigan and my purse as I head out of my room. I take a deep breathe to steady myself as I head down the stairs. I am just a girl going on a date with a cute guy at her new school. The problem with Siobhan's philosophy is that the past matters and ignoring it, living in the moment makes no difference. The past shapes the moment and it isn't long before my illusion shatters.

It was all fine at miniature golf. We joked easily with each other and giggled at Brett's horrible golf puns. He talked about himself mostly and a huge part of Brett's existence is sports related. I listened as he regaled me with stories about his sporting achievements, parties and team mates and I smiled and joked and laughed where it was appropriate. It was so easy that when he took my hand at the end of the game as we walked to the car I let him. We drove to the Italian restaurant where Marcia and I had our awful back to school dinner and that set me on edge but I composed myself- plastering on my smile and working upwards inch by inch trying to make it reach my eyes.

"So.. um.. How did you end up in Colorado?" Brett asks as we look at our menus.

"My parents died so my sister and I moved over here from London" I mumble into the menu too tired to think of a better answer.

"I know. I mean, I'm sorry but Eli kind of already told me and I just kind of wanted to give you an opening. To rip off the band aid and tell me. I am so sorry about your parents"

"It's okay" I close my eyes and count to five attempting to calm down.

"Do you mind me asking what happened?" he ventures.

"Yes. I mind. I'm sorry can we talk about something else? I can't handle this."

"Sure. Um Do you like twilight?" he asks handing over a crumpled handkerchief "My mum makes me carry them. It's not that dirty." I realise that there are tears streaming down my face.

"I uh.. like the sparkly vampire thing?" I have to smile as I wipe the tears off my face.

"That's what I thought at first until I realised that girls eat that stuff up and as a guy interested in teenage girls I needed to research and figure out why they like glittery bloodsuckers"

"And what did you deduce?"

He stares at me blankly.

"It means figure out. What did you figure?" I smile.

"That ah basically what your standard awkward average looking girl wants is for a perfect man to love her and only her forever. So I decided that twihards were a section of the girl population I would steer clear of" He notices my blank expression and clarifies "Twihards is like twilight die hards".

"Probably a safe call especially since 13 year olds like that book. Full disclosure I think the werewolf in the films is well fit"

"I like your accent" He smiles and easily reaches for my hand across the table. I like how confident Brett is it takes real self assurance not to be freaked out by my inappropriate display of emotions. The rest of the evening is awkward but a normal first date kind of awkward and we make it through. I comment on this as he walks me to my front door.

"I had fun. I mean even with the tears you are an amazing date." And he gives me the kind of look that cannot be misinterpreted. The kind of look that is equal parts searching, yearning and because it is Brett an undertone of cocky certainty. If we kiss it would be responding to this look and confirming all the things that it wants confirmed. The date was fun I like Brett and to be honest I have kissed boys with a lot less provocation but I am conflicted. Jase flashes into my mind unbidden and that seals it for me. I smile and lean in and Brett and I kiss. It's a nice kiss.