"I have my ways. My ways may involve being vouched for by the Mayor. We're still pending board approval though."
"And how did that feel whoring yourself based on a job you've only had for a week?" Not really caring since the food is delicious.
"Not as good as the real life whoring you did on our front step last night" she segues smoothly.
"You saw that?" I keep my voice bright but a hint of shame involuntarily creeps in.
"Yes I saw that. Is that shame in your eyes little sister? Why on earth would you be ashamed of scoring a hottie your very first week at school. He seems lovely" She isn't getting a response from me as I am intently studying my menu.
"Is this about Jase?"she continues unperturbed. I involuntarily respond to his name "Aaah so why did you accept a date from Brett then?" I decide to engage in the conversation I am in desperate need of guidance.
"Because Jase didn't ask and Brett did but I have a feeling that they don't dispose of eachother as casually as we did at our incestous boarding school and I think that by dating his friend I am totally burning any and all potential bridges for me and Jase."
"After one date?" Marcia asks sceptically.
"You should have seen how he reacted when he heard I was going on the date. You know how in those American shows they are always staring soulfully at something. I think that brooding shit might actually be rooted in a bizarre truth about Americans."
"You are exaggerating. People were always casualties of you and Siobhan's reckless ways at school. You guys were just too callous to notice and assumed everyone was as bizarrely cynical about sex as you were. I think you may be" she punctuates the end of her statement with a theatrical gasp "maturing".
I pour some more maple syrup on my stack of pancakes before cutting into them and chewing contemplatively.
"Well at least your whoring granted us access to amazing pancakes. Thank you." I say. The rest of brunch passes with Marcia regaling me with tales of the politics at the Mayor's office. Jase is on my mind as we drive home. Maybe it has something to do with my parents. Maybe now that I know what real pain is I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone. Maybe I'm just growing up but the most terrifying maybe is that maybe I just don't want to hurt Jase. Maybe he is a person I care about too much to to do something to screw it all up. Ironically this makes me want to date Brett just set the whole fucking thing on fire because I don't know if I want anyone to have that power over me. recognize this as the most cowardly option but I am resolved to do this when the phone buzzes with a text from Jase asking if I want to hang out. I text back that I should be home in a little bit and I can pick him up in 15 minutes. We can go exploring. I brush aside the ridiculousness of my resolve being weakened by a text message.
A little while later I am standing inside Jase's kitchen chatting with his Mum while she unpacks some kitchen stuff. I am telling Tina about my first week of school and enjoying myself but soon Jase starts taps his folded up cane impatiently against the door frame reminding me who I came to pick up.
"Hate to break up this love fest Mum but we have plans" he says.
"We do?" I ask.
"We do" he insists following my voice and tentatively reaching toward me. When he finds me he grabs my arm and leads me toward the door.
"Why couldn't we stay?" I ask as we head to the car, "You know as well as I do that we have absolutely no plans."
"I need your help with something" he declares once we are in the car. He has a large rucksack with him that has piqued my interest considerably.
"What's up?" I prompt.
"I thought we could go skateboarding. You could teach me how we could use the school parking lot. It's should be empty on a Saturday. I have my brother's boards in the bag. Say yes. Please?" he is flushed with excitement.
"Of course. It sounds like fun. Why all the secrecy though?" I ask as I pull the car out of the driveway.
"Are you kidding my mother may actually give birth to an actual barn animal if she finds out that I've been skateboarding. She won't let me ride a bike. She barely lets me use scissors." he scoffs.
"Um maybe if your Mum doesn't want you doing it. We shouldn't do it. You could get hu.."
"I'm going to stop you right there and remind you that I already have one suffocating Mother. Nothing bad will happen. I brought helmets and you claim to be a great skate boarder so you should be able to show me some moves, right?" he interrupts.
I roll my eyes instantly regretting bragging about my skating skills.
"Fine. Let's do it but if your Mum breaks up with me I will be very annoyed with you" I know when I am fighting a losing battle and I do love skateboarding. Jase smiles cockily. He reaches out to the dashboard grazing over the dials lightly before locating the volume knob and turning the volume up. My stomach sinks involuntarily watching him take so much care to do something so little there is such a sad grace in the way his fingers read the world. Terrified that he might sense my pity I over compensate by singing along to the radio to my surprise he joins me and we perform a unique rendition of Ironic by Alanis Morissette.
"I found a nineties station and was taking a little walk down memory lane" I explain once the song is over.
"Have I said how much I love that you are a car singer?" there is a catch in his voice when he says the word love that makes me unsure of how to respond. The silence hangs heavy between us for a beat before he clears his throat and asks "How was your date?"
"It was fine. Good." Before I can control it an uncomfortable flush is rising up my face. I shift nervously in my seat and open the window relishing the chill in the air on my face.
"Just fine?" He asks. He coughs in an attempt to feign nonchalance but I heard the unmistakable tenor of hope in his voice. I find myself wishing Jase wasn't such an open book and it dawns on me that he may actually be inscrutible to everyone but me. It probably goes both ways. I decide to be honest.
"Yes. Just fine. It was a good date and I like Brett but um....."
"But what?" he asks his voice is searching it is doing whatever the vocal equivalent of squinting is. I have no idea how to respond.
I begin haltingly peering intently at the fence of the school we are now parked in. "Before I would have gone out with Brett a few more times, fooled around with him, refused to define it and we would have drifted on to other people or I would have bolted when he started to have real feelings. Feelings beyond just hanging out and having fun. I hate the bullshit of high school relationships- when people infer all this meaning on to relationship that they must know isn't real. I guess I'm not built to be in a relationship that works because both people desperately want to see certain things in the other person. To be in love with love. I believe in love but I think its so much rarer and harder than anyone wants to accept and I know that the effort involved means finding the right person to love, who makes love worth it...... Anyway now it's like I can't just have fun with Brett and it might have to do with my parents or it might have to do with you but I can't. And I have no idea where that leaves me."
"I guess" He replies and I put my hand over his mouth "You don't have to say anything. We don't have to talk about it" I insist. He removes my hand from his mouth with exaggerated care letting it rest in his lap covered in his. His fingers are warm, slightly freckled, long and strong. I know it is a bad sign when you drink in details about a boy like this. I tune in to what he is saying.
"Kinda fucked?It leaves you knowing with the right person the work and the risk is worth it."
"Are you sure I'm not just looking for people to see me and really know me who I can know to act as some sort of ineffective buffer against oblivion?My nuclear family was recently halved." I say it darkly but add a bleak unconvincing chuckle at the end so he can laugh it off as a joke if he wants to.
"Maybe but to wanting to know and to be known pretty much sums up everything right? You're a bit raw but who isn't once you scratch the surface?"
I imagine Siobhan miming hanging herself if she had to listen to this. I decide to bring some levity to the situation. "And when did you get so wise?" I ask laughingly.
"I um had cancer, lost my sight and dealt with all that stuff at all before I got my first armpit hair. Somewhere in between all that the wisdom magic happened. I have a theory that it is connected to all the hospital jello I ate "
"What colour jello?" I ask teasingly.
"Umm.. red. It was definitely red. Now we came here to teach me to skate remember?" I laugh and open the door. As I move over to the passenger side I notice Jase groping around the back seat looking for the back pack. I am just about to offer to help when he finds it smiling triumphantly and hands it to me as he gets out of the car and opens up his cane. I allow him to find my elbow and lead him to the centre of the parking lot. I wordlessly unpack the backpack handing him a helmet and quickly doing a few loops on one of the boards just to get reacquainted. I stare at Jase as I skate around trying to decide how to tackle this.
"Aisha?" I can tell trying to follow my position as I spin around him is confusing so I stop.
"I'm just trying to figure out how to do this. Let's try this here" I place the other skateboard near him and situate his lead foot on the front of the board. I assume since he is right handed that he is right footed.
"Okay so you want to stay balanced on the deck and push off with your other foot. Coasting is pretty easy. Do you want to try?" I ask. "I'll.. uh.. hold your hand while you do just until you get your balance" I reassure him.
"Okey dokey" He giggles nervously before pushing off slightly. I do a funny little side jog beside him to keep up.
"Okay just push off until you gain some momentum and then let the pushing foot rest on the board behind you" he does this.
"Wow. Good job. You're doing it." He has a death grip on my hands so we circle the lot a couple of time with me holding his hand and jogging alongside him. I can sense he is gaining confidence so I suggest he goes alone and I will shout out obstacles. He nods and I let him go. He pushes off confidently and coasts on his own for an impressive a hundred metres in a straight line. I jog up to him and he turns excitedly "Did you see that?" he asks reaching out to find me. I move into where his hand is and he scoops me up in a bear hug. "I saw. Really good. Do you want to try turning and stopping?" He nods excitedly stooping down searching for his skateboard.
"You might want to keep that in your hands when you stop. I see incredible potential for a cartoon fall" I pick up the board and hand it to him and he nods his thanks. We practice turning and stopping. Jase is intensely focused on the task at hand but my mind keeps drifting to the way his neck tenses when he pushes off. I am shifting his hips into position when I am suddenly hyper aware of his firm torso beneath my fingers I turn and look into his eyes carefully noting for the first time that his pupils are dilated strangely and that it adds to the vagueness of his gaze. Still his eyes are so clear it seems odd that they serve no purpose.
"Aisha" I am startled by his voice as it jolts me from my reverie " I can feel you staring" he states smilingly.
"That's because I am staring. As a good looking person that's just your burden to bear isn't it? Now go again. This time faster." I encourage. He pushes off hard but loses balance and lands heavily on his forearms cursing loudly. I run to his side.
"Are you okay?" I ask as I kneel on the ashphalt examining his scraped arms. There are little pebbles of gravel embedded in the bloody bits. "Ouch this looks like it hurts" I exclaim as I blow gently on his arms.
"It's not so bad. That feels good. More please." He shuts his eyes and demands petulantly. His voice is gruff.I acquiesce blowing gently over the scrapped area for a few moments before dissolving into laughter.
"What?" As he asks his hands find me in the darkness and rest gently on the sides of my face.
I scold myself for how much I enjoy his hands on my cheeks. I feel myself flush at his touch.
"I was just thinking that I never saw my first blow job going like this" I mutter ashamed at breaking a lovely moment with a crude thought. His eyes widen with adorable shock at my words before giggling. He is still giggling as I help him to his feet pick up the skateboard and dust off his jeans. "I think we have done enough skateboarding today. You sacrificed your first piece of skin to the tarmac and I am freaking starving." I say as I lead him toward the car.
"How about I buy you some late lunch as a thank you for the amazing lesson?" He asks as we buckle up into the car.
"Sure, as long as we stop at my house first and put some antiseptic on your graze. My breathe doesn't kill as many germs as I would like it to."
"Sure" he presses on his grazes examining them with his fingertips. He has a strange half smile on his face as he does. "Why are you smiling? Doesn't that kill?" I ask. He seems startled at my question. Sometimes he gets so lost in what he is doing he doesn't realise that anyone is watching. He hesitates before answering "Actually this is the first time I've really hurt myself in ages. In a normal way, I mean, not walking down stairs or like slipping or tripping over something. I know how lame it sounds- I've been so sheltered."
"You shouldn't complain.For the most part it sounds like they managed to pull off every parent's dream. They kept you safe. You're lucky."
"I'm stifled."
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