part 13

The most awful thing about drinking is that just when you have the perfect buzz going and nothing seems to matter and everything is hilarious you are periliously close to tipping over into ugly, sloppy, way too honest and slutty drunk. My head is swimming. We met up with Brett and Eli at Nina's. Brett was showing off his new fake ID which he took for a spin at a local convenience store. I paid for the booze so we were able to afford quite a bit. Brett's sister Amy met up with us and we headed to Eli's basement. Someone put on some music and I began to hand out shots of tequila. Although I have probably been drinking a lot more than these guys because of England's much laxer attitudes toward alcohol I am not what anyone would consider a heavy weight and four shots in I am grinding against Amy without a care in the world. The boys are being lame and not dancing so we are having our own party passing the bottle between us. Brett is staring intently at me and I move my body in response to his gaze getting a high off of his attention and the fact that the boy I do like is in the corner jamming with Eli. He plays the drums while Eli messes around with a jazz riff on the piano. Bored with Brett's attention I stumble over to Jase placing myself awkwardly on his lap and laying my head in the crook of his shoulder trying to supress a booze belch. Jase runs his hands through my hair "Someone's a little drunk" he cooes sympathetically. "Will you take me outside please Jase?" I can feel myself starting to cry and I don't want to freak anyone out. Luckily his drunken confidence means he doesn't think too hard about the logistics of my request before acquiescing. Between us we manage to stumble out of the basement and into the cool air. I breathe in deeply willing the cool air into my flustered brain. Jase is standing uncertainly by the door with his hand on the door frame. We stand there in silence as I sober up. "I think I should get you home- it isn't too far to walk from here. I'll come back for my car tomorrow" I suggest. He is visibly relieved that I have come up with a plan. We grab our coats shouting quick good byes in the direction of the basement and set off into the cool night. The sound of Jase's cane clicking against the pavement punctuates our footsteps. A wave of nausea crashes over me and I dry heave into the bushes. After a while some vomit actually comes out and once my stomach is empty I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt not caring how disgusting it is. Jase hands me his handkerchief and I thank him for it. We find his house and I drop him off wishing him luck with facing his Mother and promising to be there to take him to school. I get home and rip off all my clothes and crawl into bed. I lie in the darkness and realise that I feel completely hollow- there is the dull constant ache for my parents but beyond that nothing. It is completely terrifying and it takes me a while to fall asleep.

I finally get up properly at 2pm after kicking Marcia out of my room twice when she tried to get me to go work out with her or to go shopping with her. I finally force myself up- my head is pounding and I have a wicked case of heartburn but I feel so low that I know it is more than that. I almost head back to bed until I remember that I have to pick up my car. I call Eli to let him know that I am on my way. I shower and get dressed quickly grimacing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Eli answers the door in his boxers and we chat briefly before I leave him to deal with his own hangover. He spills that Brett invited over some girls after we left and hooked up with one of them. He admits it sheepishly searching my face for a reaction.I don't care and I can't muster the strength to pretend instead I tell him Brett and I aren't exclusive. He fills me in on the fuzzy moments of the night before and I laugh even though it isn't funny. His stories make me realize that Jason must be more angry with me than I remember. Once in the car I head over to Jase's house. I spend ten minutes steadying myself before I head in and knock on the front door.He invites me in. I make a weak joke about being wasted and he doesn't even crack a smile. I decide to be upfront "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more helpful last night. You were crying and trashed and I couldn't even figure out how to get us home. Most of the time I can convince myself that I'm normal but something happens to remind me of how much it matters."

"I'm sorry I got drunk. I thought it would help." Before I can stop myself the flood gates open and I am racked with sobs. I can't stop. I cry until my stomach cramps and my throat is dry. Jase just holds me- close and tight. When I am finally done he gives me a final squeeze before suggesting we got for a walk. Once outside he hugs me close to his side. It makes guiding him awkward but I don't mind. We walk in silence for 10 minutes before he asks me gently if I want to talk about it.

"I hadn't cried for them until then. I was so afraid that if I started I would never stop. I'm so angry.Everything I have felt since they died has been tainted with sadness. I'm so scared it will always be like that but I am even more terrified that it will stop and they will just fade away."

His hand reaches up and he finds my face cupping it in both his hands gently before leaning in and giving me the best kiss of my life. I feel the kiss everywhere- the world goes quiet but every sensation in my body is heightened. My heart fills up so fast it hurts but I am at peace. I return the kiss tentatively at first but then I deepen it. It is something to hold on to.