"What's up?" Jase asks and again I marvel at how he picks up on the slightest thing.
"I think I might be getting one of those filter things the ones that stop you saying every little thing that pops up in your brain" I reply.
"You are so weird" he laughs. Hannah walks up to the car her eyes are bright and I catch myself sizing up her reaction to Jase. She seems naturally curious but not interested. I catch myself on this dangerous line of thought before pulling myself back. Jase isn't mine, more generally people cannot belong to other people and Hannah can be interested in whoever she wants.
"Shall we?" I ask unlocking the car. We drive to Jase's house companionably. He is meeting the guys at the cafe so I don't feel bad about not inviting him. My circle of friends is shaping up to be quite the sausage fest so I appreciate the opportunity to have some girl time.
I unlock the door and kick of my shoes dropping my keys in the key bowl and invite Hannah in. "Wow" she comments, her eyes wide "this is a really nice house, it's just you and your sister here?".
"Thanks. Yup it's just us- do you want a tour?" She nods and I quickly show her around the house. We settle into our homework around the kitchen table. Half an hour later our homework has been abandoned in favour of idle gossip and snacking on mini brownies and tea. Hannah is hilarious and I am cracking up as she tells me about her date to the winter formal at her last school.
"I swear to sweet heaven he smelled like Doritos, desperation and old spice! I promised myself then that I was done with boys. College will be better- college men will be fascinated by my intellect and unconventional beauty" she declares dramatically. I gasp trying to catch my breathe as I double up with the giggles, sadly nothing brings straight girls together like boy talk- we had covered school, books, tv and music boys were the final step. Hannah obviously doesn't realise that there is no convention- not really. Life isn't television it is more accommodating and there is room for her. She was beautiful in such an amazing refreshing real way. I scrutinise her as she sips her tea her hand hovering over the plate as she decides whether or not to indulge in another brownie. Her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes are bright.
"So what about you?" She asks mock coyly arching her brow.
"What about me?" I reply innocently.
"Oh come on- you've been in school three days and everyone is already buzzing about the new hot English girl" she taunts. I laugh but I am just about to tell her about Jase and Brett when Marcia walks in with holding a pizza box.
"I broke down and rented a car- so wrong but I didn't want to have to wait for you to pick me up. Forgive me planet earth." She looks up and realises the presence of a stranger in her kitchen.
"Marcia this is my new friend Hannah" I introduce them. I can tell Hannah is in awe of my gorgeous sister and Marcia is pretty used to this reaction and immediately begins trying to put her at ease.
"Hi new friend Hannah" she says warmly crossing the kitchen to shake her hand "We're having pizza and glee night- would you like to stay for dinner? Salami and olives and a nice bottle of white."
Hannah's eyes widen. "I don't.. I mean.. I'm not allowed to um.."
"For me of course" My sister hastily clarifies "Not the whole bottle. Not in one sitting"
"Liar" I joke.
"Shut up. Ignore my sister. I wasn't trying to peer pressure you Hannah. Please stay?" she smiles at Hannah and elbows me in the ribs playfully.
"That would be great. I'll go call my Aunt and ask her. Excuse me." Hannah pulls out her cell phone and leaves the room.
The rest of the night passes easily. Hannah, Marcia and I chat and sing along with glee. Marcia and I have always shared friends so it feels very comfortable to be sitting with her and Hannah. Later on I drive Hannah home and she confesses that she used to be really close to Amy, the girl who showed us around on the first day, but Amy has been having a hard time. She doesn't offer the details and I don't push. I feel she is my friend already but I also know most people take longer to decide these things. I can tell she is a hidden gem of a person, the embodiment of the saying about still waters. I am always filling in every awkward silence. I can feel myself trying to hard to shape situations into what I want them to be. I get quieter around people I am comfortable with and Hannah seems to get more talkative. I can tell she feels comfortable around me. We sit in the car and she shares pieces of herself in the dark and I accept them letting the situation be exactly what it is.
The next morning I wake up groggy and exhausted. I had to stay up finishing the homework I didn't do while I was chatting with Hannah making it the second night in a row that I did not get in a full nights sleep. I do not do well with any kind of deprivation especially sleep. I stumble through my morning routine meeting Marcia in the kitchen for breakfast where I nod sleepily as we eat our porridge with blueberries together. There is a definite chill descending and I idly wonder just how cold Everwood gets. I give Marcia a kiss on the cheek goodbye and get into the car and back out first. At Jase's house I consider hooting but decide that would be too rude. I sigh as I haul myself out of the car and knock on the door.
"Hey sweetie" Tina greets me cheerily pulling me in for a hug "Jase is running a little behind today. You look exhausted- come in" In a flurry of Mum efficiency Tina has a portable mug of coffee in my hand and is inviting Marcia and I to dinner on Saturday night. Jase stumbles down the stairs bleary eyed grunting good morning to his mother. "You are in big trouble mister- wake up means wake up. We'll talk about this more when you get home." She hands him his breakfast and our lunch and we are headed to school in no time.
"Brett told me he asked you out. And that you said yes" Jase launches head first into it as soon as we are in the car, his tone is accusing.
"And.." I ask tiredly.
"I thought you liked me!" He exclaims. It would be amusing if I wasn't so infuriating.
"And.." I intone coldly.
"Aisha. C'mon. What happened to always being honest with eachother?" We stop briefly at a red light and I rest my head on the steering wheel rubbing the bridge of my nose.
"I don't know what you want me to be honest about. I hear accusation in your voice but no questions." The car stalls as the light turns green and I swear under my breathe.
"How could you say yes to a date with Brett and like me at the same time?" He exaggerates the question mark. I can tell he is furious. I don't care.
"You don't want to date me. Brett does. People in high school date casually all the time. We are so far from being "exclusive" that you kind of have no right to ask. I don't need your permission"
"I just think you shouldn't lead Brett on.." I can tell he has decided to change tact.
"So this is out of concern for Brett is it? Because I am obviously so in love with you that I couldn't possibly be interested in him? Newsflash- I am 16 years old and I met you last week. Somehow I have been able to withstand your amazingly sexual aura and my overwhelming attraction to you and my willingness to re enact Romeo and Juliet for you. Do you really think you are that amazing?" My voice is dripping with sarcasm and I can tell that we are both going way too far with this but there isn't any turning back, I've already lost my temper. Couldn't he have started this fight when I had gotten more sleep?
"Don't be a bitch" he exclaims.
"Well then you don't be an ass!" I exclaim "I'm going to date- I'm attractive, fun and I have an accent. Shockingly enough you are not the first guy to notice me you condescending tool!"
"I was just hoping that.." He trails off. His voice has softened considerably and as furious as I am I am also grateful. I am never the first one to back down from confrontation.
"You were hoping that we could circle each other pining like characters on Dawson's Creek? We agreed to be friends. I date and any friend I had would have to be cool with that and not act like a possessive idiot. I am not okay with that." My words are harsh but the fight and bile are gone from my voice. There is a long silence as he contemplates my words.
"I was hoping you did it to make me jealous" he mutters.
"I don't play games Jase" I say softly. He smiles and I notice that he had moved to the furthest corner of the car and hunched his shoulder defensively during our fight. He opens his body up again and reaches for my hand. "I know. I'm sorry I got so mad. This friend thing may be tougher than I thought."
"You called me a bitch. That is an awful thing to say." I grumble unwilling to let it go until he apologizes for everything. I keep my hand away from his.
"I am sorry. God, I must seem like such a dick to you. I was just sitting across the table from Brett talking about how excited he was about your date. I was more upset with myself.. it doesn't matter though. I am sorry. Forgive me?" He stretches his hand further finding mine. His voice is so sincere.
I squeeze his hand shaking my head and declare "Douchebaggery forgiven but you may have to treat to hot chocolate after school to sweeten me up again". He nods in agreement and the faint sound of the bell makes us both jump out of the car. I rush over to his side and lead him to our first class quickly. We barely make it. As I take my seat in class I realise that all traces of my fury are gone along with my sleepiness. I pull out my notebook and focus on school.
At the end of a long day I am in a surprisingly good mood. Brett, Jase, Eli and Hannah and I sat together at lunch and it wasn't awkward even between Brett and Jase- even after Brett confirms our date in front of everyone (typical boys they must have plead bros before hos to smooth over that tricky patch). Eli and I played together in our music class and the teacher asked us to play at the school recital. I am even fairly sure I did really well on the pop quiz in Math. Jase is still complaining about it as we walk to the car.
"Uuurgh" he moans.
"Use your words" I tease.
He has a point though apparently the teacher read out the questions to him too fast and didn't give him enough time to work them out in between forgetting that he couldn't simply refer back to his working.
"I can't believe he had the nerve to complain about my handwriting. Honestly, I had no idea how to respond to that. I mean the last time I saw my handwriting I was 8 seriously it stopped evolving at that point" He isn't genuinely annoyed any more but exaggerating for comic effect. At Nina's we drink our hot chocolate at chat about anything and everything for hours with all traces of the morning's hostilities evaporated. I am in the middle of explaining my theory about ugg boots when he shakes his head and laughs a little to himself.
"What?" I ask reaching for another french fry from our shared plate. Americans really have greasy food perfected in my humble opinion.
"Well this morning I was furious with you and we got into a huge argument and now we are sitting here and talking. Don't you feel we have always been here in this town in this cafe eating fries and talking? I know how that sounds. My Dad says I talk like I'm summarising my life he says just live it. He blames it on twitter and facebook. Which he calls twatter and myface. My Dad is this mans man, like my brother, not big on words and communication" I laugh at this.
"So you're closer to your Mum then?" I ask.
"Yeah I mean she is borderline smothering but she's great. And I didn't mean to be so harsh about my Dad. It's hard for him to have a son who relies so much on words but he loves me so he tries" Jase blushes when he says this.
"My Dad used to call going clubbing going to the discotheque. Every time; not disco but discotheque." I contribute. Jase laughs. "He was always such a dork when he was with us. He would talk to me like I was fascinating. Really listen. He used to try so hard to stay involved in our lives. Every recital, every debate, every stupid game he would drive up to see us at school. My friends loved him."
A heavy silence falls. I clear my throat "I'm sorry" and I am for making things awkward but in that moment I realize that I can't just not talk about them. They were my parents and if anyone is going to know me I have to share them.
"Don't apologize. I can't imagine how hard this all is for you. I um I won't always know what to say but you can always tell me stuff. I'll always listen" he does his adorable half smile and squeezes my hand under the table. As awful as the thing that brought me here was and as much as I miss my parents and my old life with them in this moment the weight isn't unbearable. It feels right just like Jase says it feels like it has always been.
No comments:
Post a Comment