Jase is laughing as he unfolds his cane and slips on his sunglasses when we are out the door.
"What was that about?" I ask joining him in laughter.
"The perils of a working Mum. She is trying to get our insurance information to the newspapers provider because the HR department is being slow and my brother needs to see the dentist" he explains.
"Ah- how old is your brother?" I ask.
"He's 23 but he's kind of drifting. He dropped out of College two years ago and hasn't really found anything that stuck since. Actually he saw your sister yesterday and asked me about her."
"Really? What did he want to know?" I ask as we slide into the back seat.
"Her story. Is she single?" he informs me with a smirk.
"Is who single? Hey Jase" Marcia greets Jase.
"Are you single. My brother was wondering." Jase teases with a playful smirk on his lips.
"I am but that is a bit too happy families. I mean double dates with my little sister?" Marcia laughs as she pulls out of Jase's driveway and we head to school. Jase is blushing a furious shade of red and despite myself I smile. I don't know if I want anything more than a friendship but I like him and it's nice to know he likes me too.
"Are you enjoying my obvious discomfort?" He asks performing that unnerving trick where he approximates a stare really well.
"How did you know that?" I am genuinely puzzled.
"Are you kidding? Your smile must be huge because I can feel it from over here" His hand finds my face carefully and he rests two fingers on the side of my mouth. "Show me" he commands and even though I don't usually do well with commands I cannot help but smile. I let his hand linger for a second before smacking it away.
"That's all you get pal" I put on a Texan accent for comic effect.
"You really shouldn't do accents." Jase deadpans.
"Seconded" this helpful contribution is from Marcia in the front seat. The two of them then engage in a hilarious competition to see who can do the worst Aisha doing a Texan accent imitation. We are at school before I can get a word in edgeways.
"Later Marcia" I try not to show my annoyance obviously making fun of me has put her in a better mood. She laughs and rushes to her workmate Tracy who will drop her at work tossing me the keys as she goes.
"We are so going to need another car" I mutter to myself.
"Hey- do you want to hang out after school? Eli and Brett were going to the Cafe- it wouldn't really be fun unless you came." Jase asks as we head in to school. "It wouldn't be fun, huh?" I nudge him playfully "I really hope you are usually smoother around girls you like" as soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. Jase shifts uncomfortably. The bell rings.
"My first class is Spanish so um you could just drop me off" his voice is strangled and he is playing with the straps of his book bag. I could kick myself. I swallow and wordlessly escort him to Spanish class before making my way to the music room where I know we are allowed to spend our free periods. Anything I said was just bound to make it worse. I burst into the music room- which is a fairly basic set up. Institutional blue chairs dotted haphazardly in a large room with a drumset in the corner and a piano in the centre. Eli is sitting at the piano reviewing the sheet music on the stand intently.
"Oh hey. Sorry to interrupt I'll just go to the library and give you some privacy" I turn to leave.
"You can't the second bell has already gone. If you're busted without a hall pass well.. its an executable offence" I smile and study him intently for a bit.
"What?" an uncomfortable smile plays on his lips.
"The way you speak. It's still so New York; neurotic, fast- raises some interesting nature vs nurture questions" I respond.
"Well I visit my grandparents every summer and like most New Yorkers it is carefully fostered lest anyone forget our awesomeness. So nature and nurture. You sound like a Londoner"
"Rainy and grey?" I smile enjoying our banter.I move over to the piano and look at the piece he is studying. "I've actually played this before. Do you want to try?"
He nods and I pull out my violin and tune it quickly before we start. We play choppily stopping to correct our mistakes before finally playing it through. I haven't practiced in a while and Eli hasn't played the piece before.Our ease extends to playing though. The piece doesn't sound that great yet but we have potential as partners.
"You are really good" I state awed "Really talented"
"I really think this could sound amazing if we worked on it some more. Do you have another free period this week?" He asks with a focus in his eyes that reminds me of the difference between the people who take lessons and young musicians.
"Friday. I think."
"Cool, Friday then. I'm grounded for the next two weeks but the second my fascist Father lets up I'll invite you over. He is the parental equivalent of the SS. Sometimes I wish we just didn't have parents." He freezes. I can tell he now wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.
"You don't have to freak out- it's okay." I reassure him as I pack up my violin the bell is about to ring.
"Do you mind if I ask what happened?" he mumbles.
"Um.. I guess not. It was a car accident."
"I'm sorry. Crap. I hated when people said that to me after my Mum died. I never knew what to say back. I never realised they had the exact same problem."
"I just say 'thanks' which isn't really appropriate but at least it's polite" Eli nods and I know he understands. I smile "It's weird right it's like this strange new club that we belong to now- the damaged club, the oliver twist collective"Eli raises his eyebrow quizically and I have to laugh "Was that ridiculously emo for a girl wearing pearl studs?" I ask.
"No. The walking wounded I totally get it. So are you and Jase you know.. together?" he asks changing the subject.
"We're just friends. Not even that maybe I just made it very awkward before this class. How goes your girl trouble?" I as as we head down the hallway to our next class.
I nod sympathetically as Eli tells the tale of the girl who he used to love who never loved him back and the girl who he now loves but cannot love him back because she is his babysitter. I sense a theme but I wisely keep my mouth shut. I have always been a straight shooter because I have trouble picking up on nuances which means I tend to verbalize what I think and feel. It's not very romantic or very conducive to the painful stare at each other soulfully in the hallways variety of love favoured by most high school students. The last boy I was involved with (we didn't even last long enough for the boyfriend label to be used) broke up with me because I didn't say I love you back or participate as he hypothesized a future together and went on to clarify that although I liked him enough to use my tongue to explore his mouth I would probably never love him although I did like him enough. He did not like hearing that. I am absolutely not one to offer relationship advice.
My morning classes fly by and Jase makes a point of walking between them with Eli or Brett. At lunch I approach the table hesitantly until Brett invites me to sit down. When I do I stare at Jase willing him to give me any sign that he doesn't hate me. His face remains impassive throughout lunch and I struggle to participate in the conversation. He doesn't direct a single remark to me. It shocks me how much this hurts. Eli and Jase have different classes on the same part of the campus so they set off together. I leave the lunch room feeling dejected and contemplate just bunking off the rest of the day (I never actually would but the fantasy is nice).
"Hey Aisha" I turn surprised to see Brett I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear him run up behind me "Are you okay? You seem distracted" He smiles sweetly.
"I'm okay" I reply.
"I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out on Friday?"
I stare at him blankly "With me" he elaborates.
"Uh...okay." I choke out not entirely sure what is happening.
The second bell rings and we both dash off to our respective classes. I am really flattered that Brett asked me out. He is really good looking and fun but I am not sure I am interested in him.
I am waiting for Jase outside his class.
"Hey guys" I greet him as he exits the class talking to Hannah she is laughing at something he said.
"Hey Aisha" Hannah greets me enthusiastically and leans in for a hug. Which is odd since we just met but I go with it.
"A hugger, huh?" I joke good naturedly.
"Unfortunately to know me is to hug me" she responds pushing her glasses up her nose. Hannah's smile is so pure. Which is a strange adjective, I know but it is pure joy.
"Actually I was wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow and we could work on our homework- or use homework as an excuse to hang out." I offer.
"Sounds great- I'll catch a ride with you from school. It was really nice to meet you Jase" She waves as she runs to catch the bus.
I turn to Jase who has not said a word to me.
"Is this because of what I said this morning?" he doesn't respond so I move keep talking "It is not that big of a deal. You don't like me like that. I kinda hoped that you did and I made a bad joke but it means nothing. We can still be friends- you are the best friend I have here. I know we only just met but please don't make this weird. I like you- even with the jackassery you have subjected me to today I still really want to be friends and I will even accept that I am only the second biggest matchbox 20 fan here but I cannot take this silent treatment bullshit every time I say something you don't like. Newsflash Jase- my foot spends a lot of time in my mouth." I didn't intend to say so much and when I glance at his face I can tell that he feels overwhelmed by the stream of crazy I just unleashed in his direction.
"So lets just go home" I say flatly. He swallows and nods reaching for my arm which I bring to him. We walk to the car in silence. We drive to his house in silence. He doesn't leave the car straight away so we just sit there parked in silence for ten minutes. When I am two seconds away from screaming. He clears his throat and speaks "I'm sorry."
"Huh?" this caught me off guard.
"I'm sorry. You really surprised me this morning. I really like you too but I can't handle anything more right now. Main streaming is kicking my butt. " he admits. His gaze is directed at his lap. I can tell this is hard for him.
"What do you mean? You seem fine. You're making friends and stuff.." I trail off.
"And every day feels like such hard frigging work. I'm scared that I will fall or be caught with no idea where I am. I have to focus so hard in an entirely new place." His fists are clenched and though I can't see his eyes because of the sunglasses I can tell he is perilously close to tears.
"I had no idea. What can I do?" I ask.
"You're doing it. You treat me like I'm totally normal and I think that Eli and Brett and those guys picked up on that and followed your lead. I shouldn't have said anything about all my..stuff because I really don't want how you treat me to change but U needed you to understand how even though you are so great and I really like you- that way and and every way there is I cannot handle one more thing on my plate right now. Is that okay?"
I am so relieved that I burst into tears and laughter. "Are you kidding? It is more than okay. I feel the same way. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I am freaking out too. A new town and school? It's enough to make me poo my pants. You are handling it so incredibly though. You're amazing."
"No way. If I was in you're situation I wouldn't be as cool as you are. You're amazing." he replies.
"I am pretty amazing" I joke. He reaches for my hand and wraps his fingers around mine when he finds it. "You are helping me find my feet here and I don't want to mess that up so. I accept your apology if you accept mine and promise that we can always be like this- honest."
"Deal" he smiles "So you are a fan of whiny cry baby pathetic me, huh?".
"I'm a fan of all of it". The words are so incredibly corny that I cringe as they leave my mouth. But I mean them sincerely and sincerity is not something I am very comfortable with. This conversation could have never happened with anyone else but Jase makes me feel safe. I want him to know me. I brace myself for his reaction to my comment but he just smiles and I swear my heart melts just like in the songs. We sit in the car for a few more moments because this conversation has made real what we have been skirting around since we met. Jase is my best friend now. It is amazing how people come into your life. Even more amazing are those rare moments when you want to make room for them. So we just sit, making room.
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