"Yeah maybe" I kick myself for sounding so obviously miserable.
"What's wrong?" His voice is soft and full of concern. Just like that I know I could lie to him. Just like that I know I want him to know.
"It's just me. It's how I am now I'll be completely fine one moment and miserable the next. It'll all just hit me like someone dropped a lorry right on my chest" I say it tersely because I don't want to cry. Then Jase does the most unexpected and amazing thing. He reaches out and finds my shoulder and then pulls me in for a hug. I am not really much of a hugger but I don't mind with Jase he pats me on the back and says "You're going to be okay. I know it." And I believe him. We walk the rest of the way to his house in silence but the way he grips my elbow lets me know that he is doing that thing where he steadies me as I guide him. At his door we make plans for Marcia and I to give him a lift to school on Monday. I walk home and I think about my Mother and what she would make of this strange new life. When I get home Marcia has exciting news she is going to be the Mayor's assistant. I make eggplant parmesan with my mother's recipe to celebrate. All of a sudden I am exhausted from... everything. Marcia is reading Everwood's civil handbook trying to gauge what her job will entail. I watch mindless television and laugh as she reads out the more ridiculous aspects of Everwood's civic code.
The next morning we get up early and eat breakfast in silence before heading to the doctor's office. Over the years we have spent a lot of time in doctors offices. I was a sick child and Marcia was my big sister who held my hand, made me laughed and diffused the tension when my parents were scared and stressed. I really want to change the dynamic, as we had breakfast she attacked me to feel up my lymph nodes. I want her to know she doesn't have to replace our Mum. That we can still be sisters. I am thinking of how to do this as we sit in the waiting on the room and I flick through Harper's Bazaar.
"Hey we are in that did you see the picture?" Marcia asks as she grabs the magazine out of my hand unceremoniously.
"Uh..no. From the Saatchi gallery thing?" She nods absently as she searches for the picture.
"Here it is- God, it's all of us Dudders, Shiobhan, Tom and us. Those shoes were a mistake." She laughs as she points to my image. I was wearing a pair of clunky Mary Janes. They were awful but I used to be all about sartorial irony especially when it came to those types of events. Over summer the social scene at our old school became a shark tank with everyone angling to see and be seen at all the right events. My parents were a London institution so whether I liked it or not I was always there not seeing but invariably being seen. Marcia and our group of friends were the only things that made the air kisses and false intimacy bred for the sole purpose of making outsiders feel the extent of how left out they were, bearable. People would look at Marcia and I and assume that we felt like we belonged because we were in. Maybe Marcia did but I always had a sneaking suspicion that being on the inside was actually a very comfortable way to be trapped. The photo is everything I will not miss about my old life. I glance over at Marcia, she has a faraway look in her eyes.
"Have you spoken to Dudders?" I ask nudging her softly.
"No. I don't want to talk to John or about John" she whispers. She uses his given name so I know that she means business.
"You have to. He behaved awfully but he is your best friend, your first love and our oldest friend. You owe him a conversation. He deserves a chance to explain himself." I whisper back.
Some people have trouble with confrontation. My sister and I are actually really great at sticking our noses into each other's lives.
"My parents died and he went on a three week bender in Ibiza. Ibiza for heaven's sake where people get fake tanned before going out in the sun unprotected! He didn't call and he missed the funeral. I don't owe that pathetic spineless human being a fucking thing!" She whispers this with such intensity that the whole waiting room can hear. Luckily the whole waiting room holds just one nurse.
"Okay, okay.Duds is still a touchy subject. Don't speak to him. Don't speak about him. Is that it?" I ask.
"He must also be reffered to only as "he who must not be named" or "stinky turd pile" which you choose I leave to your discretion" She jokes smiling weakly.
I smile back and give her a quick side hug. She must be heartbroken but Marcia takes her emotions and she uses them as fuel. I wouldn't be surprised if she is soon the Mayor of this town. She is high octane at this point. I realise she needs me too, more than I realised.
The doctor check up is routine. I go after Marcia since my history means I always need a little bit of special attention. I first got T-cell lymphoma when I was 4 years old. I was 6 before I was in remission. I relapsed when I was 13 and that was another year gone and I have been healthy for 2 years now. The doctor reads my history aloud and I nod to confirm and supply details where he asks for them.
"I'm sure you know all the things that you should be watching for. It's your body so you are the best person to ask. Any concerns at all? Changes?" The doctor asks. He is a kindly man with a gentle voice.
"Well I haven't been sleeping very well and I've lost a bit of weight but I'm sure Marcia told you already that our parents died. We've been under a lot of stress lately but I feel like all that should give me a free pass on the cancer front. That's how it works right? Medically speaking." I joke.
"Well not exactly. Those symptoms can all be traced back to stress and grief but with your medical history we are going to have to run some blood work. Just to be safe. Is that okay?"
"That's fine. Could we keep it between the two of us though? Any chance you could call me instead of Marcia with the results?"
"Of course. Your sister isn't your legal guardian so we can contact you. Can I ask why?"
"It's a dynamic thing. She wants to mother me I think that she lost her Mum too and shouldn't have to become one. Or something." I explain inarticulately.
To his credit Dr.Black laughs. We makes conversation as he draws blood. Before I walk out of the office I take off the band aid making sure there is nothing on me that could arouse Marcia's suspicion.
When we get home I head to my room to do some more unpacking- Marcia had one of the walls painted in chalkboard paint in a deep magenta and I put up posters, pictures of my friends, poems I have written or love and academic awards. I also set up some shelves so they are ready when my books arrive with the rest of our stuff. I am taking inventory to make sure I have school supplies for tomorrow when Marcia comes in.
"This looks fantastic. I told you that wall was a good idea."
"Hey I only had doubts about delegating a paint job to someone an ocean away from us but Kevin did a really good job."
"And I found Kevin" She replies smugly making my roll my eyes very obviously in her direction, "What do you want to do for dinner today?" She asks fingering the throw cushions on my chaise lounge.
"Um.. food?" I respond.
"It's the day before school starts. The last day of summer hols. Remember?" She asks.
Of course I remember. At the end of summer usually the night before we had to head back up to school my Dad would take us all out for a really nice dinner. We would dress up, he would toast and we would just talk, eat and laugh all through the night. Every year no matter where we were or whatever was going on with us we would always do it. Those are the moments that I would point to if anyone wanted to see my family to know why we all loved each other. We were all at our best those nights. Of course I remember.
"Yeah.. I remember. I didn't know if we were doing that this year" I reply
"I think we should. We need to hold on to the traditions right? I mean sometimes I'm scared that the sadness will swallow up all the good parts. I'm not going to let that happen" she declares.
"This may be one of the few things outside of your control Marsh, sorry" Marcia acutely feels the injustice of not being able to control everything.
"I know but I have to do something. I can't just be passive. Will you come do this with me? Please?" I can hear the tears in her voice. I keep my back to her when I answer.
"Of course Marsh. Make reservations at Everwood's finest dining establishment. Maybe that pancake house we saw on the highway?" My voice is falsely cheerful.
"Already did. We'll leave at 7 okay" I simply nod. She leaves me to finish unpacking.
I unpack for a little bit longer before giving up. I pull out my laptop and write an email to my friend Siobhan. I let her know that we landed safely and are settling in well. I include a few gossipy details about the teen male residents of Everwood because I know that this sort of thing is Siobhan's heroin. She sees the potential for romance everywhere and I can't help but pander to my target audience a little bit. I start to get ready for the evening after a quick shower. I choose a black long sleeved top with a deep "V" neck, a silver chiffon tulip skirt some black tights and a modest pair of heels. I pull on my favourite necklace- it has multiple strands of silver chains with multi coloured stones and a pair of studs.
Everwood's finest dining establishment turns out to be a cosy Italian that is barely open because it is the off season for skiing. We sit down and all of a sudden there is nothing to say. Without our parents this dinner seems like a sham. A forced sham- the very worst kind of shambolic enterprise. Our conversation was forced of overly chipper on Marcia's side and terse and monosyllabic on mine. Marcia attempted to order a bottle of champagne but at 20 she was too young to drink state side. She had obviously not considered this and the murderous glint that her eyes had showed this information had pushed her too the brink. In a last ditch effort to salvage her evening I raised my glass of lemonade and cleared my throat "To Mum and Dad. Because this dinner sucks without them. Because it will suck without them. Because it should very well suck without them. Because we love them and miss them" I toast.
"Cheers" Marcia smiles as she clinks glasses with me "So.. that bad, huh?"
"Worse. Can we please go- I have school tomorrow and I told Jase that we would give him a lift".
"Sure. Sure. Thanks for coming though. It means a lot that you will endure my horrendously bad ideas" She says as she signals for the bill.
"It wasn't a terrible idea. Maybe because of this next year will be easier... at least you will be old enough to buy us some booze" I relent.
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