Thursday 12 March 2015

Part 25

"We should celebrate!" Marcia declares as we walk out on to main street. It is that time of year when spring is struggling through winter. The sky is clear, the sun is bright and the air is bitingly crisp. I cannot believe the news we just got.
"We should wait until I have the 6 week check up" My face feels stretched tight like I haven't smiled this big in forever. I can't stop.
"You're right. I mean, first round remission. No surgery. Nothing to celebrate at all. Totally not noteworthy in any way. It happens everyday." She shrugs as she rummages for her car keys.
"It's not definite. Let's wait until it is."
Marcia scoffs.


When I get home I go up to my room and stare at my violin propped up in the corner against the wall. My skateboard is in the garage. I've barely touched them for 3 months except for pulling out my violin once a week for half hearted practice out of guilt. I get off my bed and grab my violin and my tuner and tinker with it for a little bit. My Dad bought me my first violin when I was eight years old because his favourite Aunt played with an orchestra and she died the year I was born. I know I will never be a great musician but it is always a good feeling to work on a piece until you really get into it and get to know it. I warm up. I am an hour into practicing and have completely gotten into the music when I hear a knock on the door.


"Hey! That sounds beautiful." She says after I ask her to come in.
"Thanks" I turn to her and hold the violin by my side.
"Zach is here."
I am curious as I head down the stairs. I am excited to see him but we have never hung out outside of the centre and he didn't even call first.
"Hey, come in." I call to him from the foot of the stairs when I notice that he has parked his wheelchair in the hallway.
"Your living room is carpeted and my wheels are kind of dirty."
"Come into the dining room."
I move one of the chairs to allow him to settle into the dining room. I offer him something to drink and he declines. I sit down. His hair is wet and his V-neck sweater is soaked through. He looks tense and very nervous. An uncomfortable silence descends.
"What's going on Zach?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." He moves to leave.
"Wait. You're clearly upset about something. What's going on?"
"I um.... I was busted with Mike."
"Woah. Were you guys having sex?" I exclaim.
"What? No!" He looks distracted.
"Oh good. What happened?" Clearly I am missing something.
"They called my parents. They were upset. We talked for the first time in months and it was to tell me that they wouldn't pay for the home anymore if I didn't stop. They fired Mike."
"Oh God."
"Yeah."
"They also completely trashed the idea of me mainstreaming. It's like they only talk to me to let me know how much I have disappointed them."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. What could I say?" His voice raises defensively.
I don't suggest that he could have stood up for himself. Having heard a little bit about his family I doubt they are open to input from Zach on his life.
"I just needed to get away. I should have called." He apologizes.
"Nothing to be sorry about. Was it raining?"
"Yeah I got wet coming from the bus stop."
"You could have called for a lift." He doesn't reply but I notice that he is shivering slightly. I read somewhere that people with spinal chord injuries have difficulty regulating temperature. Sitting in wet clothes cannot be good for him.
"Do you want to dry off? I can put your clothes in the dryer. I'm sure Duds has something you can wear in the meantime."
He nods, still staring at the table.
I go into Marcia's bedroom and grab some of Dudder's workout clothes and a hoody and a towel from the linen closet. Marcia comes out of their bathroom in a robe.
"What's going on?"
"He's really upset. Do you think he could stay over? I'm getting him some clean clothes."
"Of course." She agrees easily and I am so grateful she doesn't pry.
I show Zach the guest room and start to help Marcia with dinner. Zach reemerges looking dryer and with some colour in his cheeks. I approach him and hold out my hands for the bundle of wet clothes in his lap. He hands them to me.
"Is there anything you need for tonight? Is the guest bedroom okay?" Marcia asks him turning from her task chopping onions to face him and wiping her hands on her apron.
He shoots me a puzzled look.
"I told her you would need to spend the night. That's it." I reassure him.
"But maybe you should tell me what is going on?" Marcia suggests sitting down at the breakfast nook.
I continue making dinner while Zach spills his guts to Marcia. I get filled in on a few more details since he is warmed up. When I hear a sob I turn to give him a hug which he returns with one arm burying his head into my neck. Marcia is patting his other hand comfortingly and this is how Dudders finds us.
"What is going on?" He is holding his raincoat.
Marcia fills him in on the details.
"Stay here." He suggests easily when he has heard the whole story. Like he is suggesting we have some wine with dinner. He puts the kettle on.
"I couldn't." Zach laughs it off.
"Why not? We have the guest bedroom. An extra mouth to feed won't bankrupt us. You are Aisha's friend. Look, I don't know your parents but they cannot try to dictate choices about who you love or how you go to school by threatening to take away food and shelter. That's ridiculous. Sounds like you're as good as disowned anyway, mate. Live here- go to Aisha's sub par high school, continue to date that guy or don't, work hard and go to University. Make a life. Your parents can be a part of it on your terms if they choose to but it will be your life." Dudders finishes making his cup of tea and takes a sip.
Marcia and I are staring at him with our mouths open. I've never seen him act so compassionately. I turn to Marcia who seems kind of..... turned on.
"Why don't we give them some time to talk about it?" I nod to Zach to follow me into the living room. He stops before he hits the rug.
"Oh" I realize pushing the ottoman aside and pulling out the rug "there."
"Thanks" He wheels next to the couch and transfers on to it. It is the first time I have seen him out of his chair. I try not to stare.
"Do you think you would want to?"
"What?" He asks dazed.
"Live here?" I prompt.
"I don't know." He answers wearily.
I understand that it has been a long day for him. I grab the remote and join him on the couch. We find a marathon of Firefly and settle in to watch.


After dinner and two more episodes of Firefly Zach excuses himself and heads to bed. I go into the kitchen to empty the dishwasher. Marcia and Dudders enter while I am putting away a dish.
"Thanks for letting Zach stay." I tell Marcia and I mean it. This morning's news means that I genuinely enjoyed dinner.
"You're welcome. We need to talk."
"Don't be mad at Dudders. That was really sweet of him to offer." I defend him.
"I'm not mad" She answers calmly "I genuinely want to talk about it. How do you feel about it?"
"When Dudders suggested it I was ashamed I hadn't. We can do this." I explain.
"I agree except that I don't think we should be encouraging him to cut off his parents so this is an option but he can also choose to keep the peace." Marcia says.
Dudders and I both nod.
"Sounds fair. Are you guys sure?" I ask.
"Our lives here are strange what's another room-mate?" Marcia laughs.


On Sunday we are having our weekly 'so disappointed we didn't make it to church' session where we sit around the kitchen table eating pancakes and flagellating each other for being heathens when Zach joins us.
"My Dad got on a plane last night so I'm going to head back to talk to him. He just landed. He wants to meet at the home." He announces glumly.
"Give me two minutes and I'll give you a lift" I offer unsure of what to say.
"Thanks."
Marcia offers him some breakfast and I head upstairs to get ready.
We sit silently in the car.
"So I got some good news" I start.
"Yeah?" I have never seen Zach looks so tense. He doesn't look like he got any sleep either.
"The treatment worked. I have to get another check up in like 2 months but I'm ostensibly cancer free."
"That's great!" He sounds genuinely happy.
I smile but keep my attention on the road.
"I get to see what you look like with hair."
"Even more stunningly beautiful if you can imagine that."
We laugh.
"What are you going to say to your Dad?" I ask.
"That's what I'm trying to decide. I could cave or I could stand my ground. Both seem kind of impossible."
"You have us. No matter what. You have somewhere to go."
"Thanks."
There isn't much to say after that. I don't know why but I decide to walk in with him; he doesn't ask me not to. There is an angry man standing at the reception wearing a suit. Zach introduces us to be polite but it is clear that no one has the energy to keep up pleasantries. I wave at Zach before turning my back on them. His Dad starts yelling before the door is even closed and suddenly I don't feel like I can leave. So instead I sit in the parked car. I listen to an episode of This American Life on my phone. When the episode is over I decide enough time has passed and I can check on them. They aren't in the lobby anymore. I head to Zach's room. You can hear his Dad shouting from the hallway. My parents were never big yellers so I am kind of scared for Zach. His Dad sounds out of control. Once I am close enough to hear what is being said it takes my breath away. I have never heard anyone being abused like that. I can't let anyone talk to my friend like that even if it is his Dad. I am reaching for the door when the door slides open and Zach is sitting there making his way out.
"You can't talk to me like that, Dad. I understand if you don't want to support me anymore but it isn't going to make me any less gay or any less paraplegic. I'm going to stay with my friend and you can talk to me any time you want but you cannot use those words." I step aside and he rolls by calmly into the hallway.
Before I turn to follow I look at his Dad who is now sitting on the bed deflated and defeated staring at his hands. I cannot help but feel sorry for him. I leave our address at the reception and make sure that they know who Zach is staying with and that they can tell his Dad if he asks. When I get outside Zach is waiting by the car looking kind of dazed. I open the car and he transfers inside.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He throws me an annoyed look.
"Dumb question. So that's your Dad?" I note as I reverse out of the parking spot.
"Yup that's him. Captain of Industry, functioning alcoholic and general jackass."
"He seemed lovely actually."
Zach laughs.
"I mean, slightly, shouty but he seemed nice." I continue.
I can feel Zach's body rocking with laughter in the seat next to me. As we head back into town I remember that I had plans with Jase to have lunch. I was going to tell him the good news and try to nail down plans for his birthday.
"Shit. Do you mind if we head into town instead of straight home? Jase had weekend practice and we were going to have lunch."
"No problem. You could just drop me off I don't want to be a 5th and 6th wheel."
"You deserve some delicious diner food after that display of courage."
"I guess I do." He stares out of the window.

My heart lifts a little when I spot Jase sitting by himself at a booth fiddling with his cane out of boredom. He sits up when he hears me approach. He tilts his head slightly trying to figure out if it is me.
"Hey" He stands to greet me opening up his arms inviting me in for a hug.
"How did you know it was me?" I wasn't close enough for him to smell me or anything. I settle in to the hug loving the way his arms feel around me.
"I heard Zach, actually. Hey man!" He turns his gaze to Zach's general direction and gives an awkward little wave.
"Hey" Zach says back "I don't know how you guys do it but something about the way you hug is very R rated" He jokes as he pulls up near the table and sets the brake on his chair.
Jase blushes but we both laugh. I slide in next to Jase in the booth.
Without prompting Zach fills Jase in on what just happened with his Dad. Jase listens with a thoughtful expression occasionally asking a question to clarify something. This is how I find out that Zach's mum is more understanding and loving toward her son but usually defers to his Dad to make decisions since he is the one with money. I also find out he lived with his grandparents when he was younger but was moved into the care home after his grandmother died. Zach's parents have never been able to take care of him but the money meant that he never moved into a care system. His Dad was driving the car when they got into the accident that broke his back.
"Was he drinking?" Jase asks.
"Yeah. He killed the woman driving the other car but he only got rehab, probation and a suspended license. My grandma hated that he didn't face the consequences of what he did but my grandfather was all about protecting the family name." Zach looks at his lap embarrassed.
"None of that is anything you should be ashamed of" Jase says reaching across the table for Zach's hand.
Zach seems surprised but stretches out his hand and puts it in Jase's.
I feel the urge to look away. I tighten my grip around the salt shaker. There is something about male tenderness that initially registers as obscene or too intimate and private. I force myself to look until it is beautiful. Until I am happy that Jase can reach out to his friends like that. I mean I know that part of it is tactile; it is easier for him to communicate connection that way.
"Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing for you to make your own life." Jase suggests.
"School will be much more fun with you" I join.
Zach gives Jase's hand a little squeeze and pulls away.
"I am thinking about it" Zach says clearing his throat "has Aisha told you the good news?"
"What good news?" Jase turns to me.
"My check up yesterday went really well. We'll know for sure in 8 weeks but it looks good." I answer.
Jase pulls me in for the biggest hug and follows it with a kiss. When we break he lifts his shades to wipe his eyes.
"Sorry. That is the best thing I have heard in a while." He laughs.
"Don't apologize. As long as you aren't crying because you are disappointed." I say hastily wiping away a tear.
We laugh much longer than the joke deserves.

We end up at Jase's house; his parents have been encouraging him to have friends over. Eli and Brett come over and get to meet Zach. Every one is hanging out in that listless way. Brett sets up Jase's brothers video game system. Eli and Zach talk about New York and I learn that Zach is obsessed with New York although he has never been.  We talk about the MoMA which is one of my favourite museums and it is obvious that Zach has spent more time reading, watching documentaries and thinking about art than any of us has. He talks more with his hands when he is excited.
"So what's your favourite piece?" Jase asks leaning forward in a way I now know means he is really interested in the answer. Like he will be able to catch it sooner.
"My parents have a Rothko reproduction hanging in the hallway of their house. When I was younger I used to take all my toys and play in the hallway so I could look up at it."
"Is that what made you want to be an artist?" Jase asks "Aisha told me you draw."
"I guess. I always just loved beautiful things. Which is a total gay cliché but there you go." Zach shrugs.
"If that's a gay cliche then, being sexually attracted to women aside, I'm pretty gay" Eli laughs.
"You are pretty gay" Brett offers from his spot near the television.
"Does someone want to play with me?" Brett asks "This is so boring without another person."
"I'll play" Jase offers.
Brett looks at me with his eyebrow raised but I just shrug.
"Don't look at me. We usually have better things to do than play video games when we hang out." I smile slyly.
All the boys make exaggerated disgusted sounds. Jase smirks.
"They make games that are integrated for visually impaired and sighted people. We can play this racing game my brother says has pretty decent graphics." Jase offers making his way to the television.
My phone vibrates, it's Marcia. I step out of the room to pick it up.
"Hey, are you and Zach on your way back?" She asks sounding vaguely anxious.
"We're hanging out at Jase's house. What's wrong?"
"Zach's dad is here. He is kind of drunk and he won't leave until he sees Zach. Dudders thinks he can talk him into letting him drive him back to his hotel but I thought we should run it by Zach? Tell him we can handle it either way and call me back?"
"Okay" I hang up and head back to the rec room.
"Hey Zach, can I talk to you for a second?" I ask smiling apologetically at Eli who was clearly very interested in whatever they were talking about.
"Your Dad is at home" I start without preamble, once we are in the hallway "Marcia called to ask if you want to see him or if Dudders should just give him a ride back to his hotel."
"He's drunk." It isn't a question but I nod.
"I should be the one to deal with this." Zach sighs and shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
"Hey" I put my hand on his knee and I squeeze "Dudders doesn't mind. You don't have to."
"He's my Dad" He sighs "Let's just say goodbye to every one and get back"
"Okay" I send him a small smile.

We can hear the shouting from the driveway. I am not proud of the shiver of fear that passes through me. Zach looks steady and resigned. I can't imagine what moments have lead him to being unfazed by this.
"I'm going to ask you about how you got so cool with this stuff one day." I comment as we get out of the car.
"Feels like home".
I can't see his face while he says it.
Once we enter the house I am almost impressed by his stamina. Dudders and Marcia look wilted by the tension in the house but Zach's Dad is energised by it.
He is on a roll.
I didn't think it was possible for him to gear up for more but when he spots Zach sitting in the corridor he finds the second wind I didn't even think he needed.
"You ungrateful little shit. You've always thought you were better than me. If I am so terrible who has paid for you cushy little fucking life? Who has paid for you to waste your time screwing the help? Or getting screwed by the help, should I say? Is my little boy a catcher? I've always thought you were a bitch. My son the faggy queen. The faggy crippled queen."
Zach recoils and his movement springs us all into action.
I move to stand in between them. Hoping to belatedly take some of the sting out of his words. Trying protect my friend.
Dudders stands up and carefully approaches him.
"You can't speak to him like that. Especially not in our home." Dudders insists grabbing his hand and leading him to the door.
Zach's Dad breaks free of his hold and swings with impressive accuracy for someone so drunk. Dudders stumbles backwards and his hands fly to his face.
"Just get out Dad. Just leave." Zach says gently pushing me out of the way and moving to face his father.
"You can't look at me?" He says sadly "You can barge in here and terrorise these people. Who, by the way, are willing to help me where you and Mum are not. You can yell and drink and you can punch people but you can't look at me. Look at me Dad!" He grabs his Dad's arm and pulls him toward him.
"I am going to live here. I am going to go to school and I am going to go to college and I am going to make a life and hopefully find a guy to share it with. A man to love. Because I love dudes. I am really sorry that this hurts you so much. You need to leave."
His Dad avoids eye contact as he staggers to the door and out on to the front garden. I don't want to but I follow him.
"Mr. Miller" I call out, my voice is hoarse and tentative.
He turns to face me. He looks like the wind has been knocked out of him.
"I'll call a taxi. Don't drive, okay?" I pull out my phone and begin to dial.
"Maybe if I get in the car I'll get it right this time. Maybe I'll die this time" He mutters to himself.
I give the address to the dispatcher.
"It'll be here in 5 minutes. Can I have your keys?" I ask.
He throws his keys in my general direction. I pick them up. He sits on the front lawn. I sit on the front steps. The cab is there in 5 minutes. I hand him his keys, watch as he makes his way into the taxi and go back into the house.
Dudders' nose isn't broken but he will have some very impressive swelling.
"I am so sorry" Zach looks up from his book and apologises for what has to be the millionth time.
We are all hanging out in the living room. Dudders is preparing for a class. Marcia is answering some emails and I am finishing up an English assignment. Dudders puts down the article he is reading and clamps his hand over Zach's mouth.
"Look, you aren't the only person in the world with terrible parents. My Dad is a lush as well. And it doesn't matter what it is, he would have found a reason to disapprove. My parents had a problem with Marcia. And look at her, mate! She's perfect! Don't apologise to me. Seriously it just reminds me of all the apologies I felt I owed the world for my Dad. We only get to say sorry for the stuff that we actually do. Okay?"
"Okay." Zach agrees with a smile.
"Darling, that is the longest speech I have ever heard you make. I think we need to go to bed. Immediately." Marcia encourages, putting her laptop away.

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