Part 24

"You look serious" Brett says as he approaches me.
I look up from my laptop. Maybe shopping online isn't the most productive use of study hall? Brett is 44 minutes late for the start of study hall and the supervising teacher doesn't even care. I would ask what Brett was doing but I now know that his answers are terrifying.
"What do you get for the guy who doesn't want anything? And also cannot see" I ask pulling my woolly hat off in frustration.
"You don't ask me. I hate shopping. Is is Jase's birthday?" Brett asks pulling out the chair opposite from me.
"It's our anniversary I want to get him something amazing" I explain.
"For six months?"
"Yeah. I get sappy sometimes" I say defensively.
"Okay. Are you going to the party tonight?" He asks.
"Party?" I ask distracted by the braille watch on-screen. Jase does not have a watch.
"Remember the track meet you came to? When Jase won all his events?" Brett asks me sarcastically.
"With the clapping and the cheering and the running?" I clarify.
He nods.
"Jase didn't tell me about a party," I note "Probably because I can't come." I joke.
"Chemo today?" He asks.
I shake my head.
"Just tired. As usual" I explain. Laughing as if I am not exhausted by my constant exhaustion. Even my laugh sounds tired.
"Why do you come to school?"
"If I wasn't here I would be missing out on this magical moment between us" I whisper conspiratorially.
Brett laughs in that easy way of his and immediately drops it.
 Maybe I should get him a clock? Romantic.
The bell rings and I start to pack up my stuff. Brett and I both head out into the corridor to go for our next class. I go to meet Jase at his locker. We are going to do Math homework together.
I wolf whistle when he bends over to pick up his backpack. He looks confused but smiles when I smack his bum.
"Careful, my girlfriend should be here any minute" He laughs.
He picks up his backpack and finds my elbow.
"So about the party tonight? Don't worry about inviting me. I can't come anyway" I am shooting for mock hurt with my tone but the real hurt is pretty obvious. And as soon as I say it I feel naked and vulnerable and stupid.
"I wasn't going to go" His tone doesn't betray that he heard the neediness in my voice.
"Yeah?" It comes out breezy with a strangled edge.
"Parties aren't fun without you" He squeezes my the crook of my elbow "Besides, I do not want to listen to Hannah and Brett making out all night. Do you know what it sounds like?"
"Don't judge. We probably sound like that" I joke. The knot in my chest is gone. We are fine. I can breathe.
"I wouldn't want to listen to us make out either" He says pensively.
After school we  go to my house and do our math homework together. Jase is improving. He had a 'blind kid care and maintenance' debrief with the teacher and she has been much better about explaining what she is writing down on the blackboard.
"You should go to the party" I say after we have been at it for an hour. Ah the romance of calculus.
"Huh?"
"You should go. You are the star of the team. Those guys are becoming your friends. Isn't it like bad juju to miss a team event?"
"Juju?" He laughs.
"You know what I mean"
"You're probably right. Come with me?"
"Unless it is napapalooza it probably isn't my kind of party. Just make an appearance."
It takes a bit more cajoling but he agrees to go. Dudders, Marcia and I have dinner and hang out for a little while hearing about Dudders' classes. It isn't a school night so I settle down with my laptop in bed to watch a movie. I am just trying to decide between the Avengers and Harold and Kumar go to white castle when my phone rings. It's Hannah.
"Hey" I answer.
"Hi. Aisha. I think you should come over here. Jase is being weird" She says trailing off.
"What do you mean weird? Like drunk? Just take him home" I say impatiently.
"We've tried. Just come okay" She hangs up exasperated.
I throw on a pair of jeans. shoes and grab a jacket. Marcia and Dudders are making out on the couch. Actually it has gone slightly past making out she clears her throat when I notice that Dudders' hands are down Marcia's pants.
"Guys. I am going to go out for a bit. You just carry on with what you are doing. I'll be back in a bit" I giggles.
Marcia vaguely mumbles her assent.

It doesn't take me very long to walk down to the party. It is only a couple of streets down from our house. I immediately see what Hannah's definition of 'weird' is. Jase is definitely drunk and just a hair away from making a total ass of himself. A smile hello at the people I recognize trying hard to seem like I had just come to the party to hang out and not to rescue my drunk boyfriend from himself.

"Hey Jase" His ears prick up when he hears my voice, like always. It is beyond cute.
"Aisha!" He says a bit too loud hugging me and nearly knocking me over with the force of his hug and with his beer breath.
"Hey. Are you ready to leave?"
"I don't want to go" He says petulantly.
"Yeah it looks like fun but I'm really tired and I missed you" I lean into him and say it softly. I'm improvising. His hand grabs my ass.
"Okay"
Hannah waves at me miming that she will call me later. Jase and I head outside. The cool evening seems to sober him up a little bit.
"They said I had to do shots to be a part of the team. It was like an initiation" Jase says or it is what I think Jase says. It is pretty garbled.
"Well, you did it." I note.
"I am very drunk" He says sadly.
"I don't want any girl that isn't you" He declares.
"Cool. I don't want any boy that isn't you" I say casually. I pick up his sunglasses and pocket them.
"My mum is going to be so angry when I get home"
"You can sleep at mine. We'll say you slept over at Bright's. You can send her a text now."
Jase reaches into his pocket for his phone and drops it.
"I'll get it" I say as he bends down to find it "I'll send the text."
A drunk Jase is a very blind and very clumsy Jase. He left his cane somewhere so I have to lead him extra carefully still I wince when he hits his shin against a mailbox really hard. That is most definitely going to bruise. He doesn't seem to notice. He slows down a bit and I am just about to ask why when he just leans over and throws up. It gushes out of him like a waterfall. Some of it gets on his shoes. He doesn't seem to notice; in fact he seems relieved as he straightens out and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. He then steps in his own vomit. I am fighting back the nausea now.
We get back to my house without further incident. I manage to sneak him in and put him to bed. I put him in my room. I tell myself that it is because I do not want him to drown in his own vomit, although I don't exactly relish the thought of him throwing up on me or in my bed. I just don't want him to wake up somewhere unfamiliar I call his brother and get him to back up our story. I watch Jase sleep for a bit but I limit myself to like 2 minutes so I can pretend I am not a total creeper. I watch him snoring lightly and realize that the look of concentration he wears all day long is gone. He looks totally relaxed. I think about the enormity of loving something and what a miracle it is that we can carry it lightly; that it doesn't knock us out what a big job it is to be loving toward someone. I don't mean the feeling but the patience, the kindness, the goodness, the gentleness, the humility it takes to love someone. Are we ready for that? Could I commit to a lifetime of that if it was with Jase?
I stop myself because it is ridiculous. We are sixteen. I should be grateful my jock boyfriend did not throw up on me. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

It feels like five minutes later when I am woken up by the sound of Jase falling out of bed and cursing.
"Are you okay?" I scramble to the edge of the bed and try not to giggle when I see him collapsed in a heap on the floor. He looks like a hot mess.
"Aisha?" He asks.
"Hi" I say calmly.
"Where am I?"
"My room. Need a hand?"
"Um. Yes."
I go over and help him up and put his hand on the bed so he can locate it. He sits down after a while.
"Do you want some coffee, some water?" I offer.
"Where are my pants?" He asks sheepishly.
I hand him his pants. He slowly puts them on and then sits on the bed.
"So the last thing I remember is doing shots as an initiation?"
"Yeah. Hannah and Bright called and I brought you home."
"I'm so sorry. You didn't have to come."
I shrug.
"I smell vomit?" He asks.
"You threw up on the street. Some of it got on your shoes."
He responds by groaning and crawling back into bed and falling asleep again. I head out and take a shower as I have chemo today. I head downstairs to eat some breakfast even if I do not want to. I make some oatmeals. I always feel a little robotic before chemo appointments but I am looking forward to hanging out with Zack. I am reading at the kitchen counter when Marcia and Dudders come in for breakfast.

"Eggs?" Marcia offers.
"Oh God. No thank you" I reply determinedly.
"Yes please" Dudders mocks my intonation with a teasing smile. I roll my eyes at him.
"What time do you start today?" Dudders asks.
"9am" I reply.
"And what time will Jase be leaving?" Marcia asks innocently.
"He's still asleep" I reply keeping my eyes fixed on my oatmeal.
"Do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees and chemotherapy babies?" Martha asks.
Dudders spits out his coffee laughing.
"No need, thank you"
"Sure?"
"Mum already took care of this so we are fine on the education front."
"Well sweetie, when a man loves a woman very much he puts his penis inside her vagina.." Dudders begins.
"Oh my God!" I scream covering my face with my hands.
Marcia is laughing.
I hear a sound from my bedroom and excuse myself to see if Jase has woken up. He has. He is cautiously making his way to my door. I've seen him do this without a cane before but I guess his hangover makes everything slightly harder. I approach him and tap his arm to let him know I am ready to lead. He grabs my elbow.
"Thanks" He says.
"No worries"
"Want some breakfast?" I offer.
"That'd be great" He says quietly.
A few minutes later Jase has had a cup of coffee and is slightly revived. He offers to come with me to chemo. Half an hour later I am all hooked up and Jase and I are talking about our homework when Zach wheels up.
"This must be the famous Jase. Nice to finally put a face to the name" He grins.
"And you must be Zach. Nice to finally put a voice to the name." He grins at his bad joke.
Zach laughs.

You know when two people who you really like spending time with meet each other and you have this pang of anxiety because there is the chance that they will not get along? To be honest I do not know if Zach and Jase will ever be best friends. I can feel Jase stiffen up a little when it is clear that Zach did not just stop by to say hi. I think it is so weird that I am attuned to his little giveaways. After a beat of awkward silence Zach clears his throat to speak.
"So there is progress with Mike." He starts.
"Who's Mike?" I ask.
"The cute orderly. With the face?" Zach prompts impatiently.
"Oh. Face guy! You talked to him?"
"I did." Zach says smugly.
"And?"
"And. He's working here to make money for college. He is going to be pre-med. He lives just outside Everwood. I just can't get an accurate read on him; I wasn't sure if we were flirting or he was being friendly."
"Would a friend be the worst thing?" I ask.
"I guess I could call him and plan to hang out.." Zach muses.
"You have his number?" Jase asks.
"Yeah" Zach answers.
"Did he give it to you or did you ask him for it or did he ask for yours?" Jase clarifies.
"He gave me his. To hang out. Why?" Zach asks.
"I'm not an expert but that is pretty flirty to just leave your number with someone." Jase explains.
"You think so?" Zach leans forward in his chair chewing on his thumb nervously.
"Yeah, I think you are in the go-zone?" Jase laughs.
"The go-zone?" I laugh.
"The bone zone?" He offers.
"Please stop." Zach and I groan together.
"I mean, there are other issues to consider." Zach muses.
"Like?" I ask.
"Like the um. My differently abled-ness." He laughs and tries to pass it off as a joke but it is clearly something he has given a lot of thought.
"Well if he is cool with it you should just let him be cool with it and if he isn't you'll find out. Either way there's not much use in worrying about it." Jase says. His voice bears no trace of pity but his words sound kind of harsh to me.
Zach is nodding appreciatively so I decide to drop it.
"What's it like at school?" Zach asks Jase.
"It's not perfect but the administration is genuinely trying at the mainstreaming thing so they're willing to listen. Regular high school is much better than I expected" He throws a smile in my direction and I reach out and take his hand.
"Where did you go before?" Zach continues. He angles his chair toward Jase clearly very interested in continuing the conversation.
"I went to a school for the blind. There isn't one nearby so when we moved I was kind of mainstreamed by default."
"Would you have gone to a school for the blind if there had been one?" I ask realizing I had never considered the possibility that Jase would go to another school.
"Probably. I was happy at my old school and it was a lot easier. I never felt like the 'blind guy' before. It has taken a little getting used to." He answers thoughtfully.
"I got the information about transferring but I don't know. Obviously it is different that for you Jase but I've never been to any high school, regular or otherwise."
"Well it's obviously up to you but I don't see any reason why you should be cooped up here with old people and a tutor" Jase shrugs.
"My wheelchair?" Zach suggests.
"You're in a wheelchair?!" Jase exclaims.
Zach bursts out laughing. He has this adorable laugh that starts out hesitant, like he is surprised to be laughing but then hey!, he is and it feels good. I can't help but join in.
"I mean it, I didn't notice!" Jase pushes the joke.
"You know what I mean.." Zach presses.
"It's hard being different. It can be a pain in the ass having to always prove that being blind isn't a big deal."
"Yeah but the school is totally accessible and you will have friends. Me, Jase and we'll introduce you to our other friends." I add trying to soften Jase's harsh words.
"Anyway, I'm thinking about it."
After Marcia comes to pick us up and we are driving back I confront Jase.
"Why were you such a Debbie downer with Zach? I think normal school would be good for him."
"I do too. He thinks it would be good for him too. He wasn't asking me to hear more reasons why it would be good."
"What do you mean?"
"He was asking me because he wanted me to tell him the truth. That it will be hard."
"You don't know that." I insist.
"Gay and in a wheelchair? I do know that." He says. His voice is hard.
"You're fine. You're better than fine. You're on the track team you are one of the most popular guys at school."
"Yeah and that wasn't easy to do."
"Yeah but being a teenager is hard. Life is hard."
"Yeah and being a teenager who is different is harder."
"I don't know what we are arguing about."
"I'm telling you that it is hard for me to be blind around sighted people."
"I know it is. I shouldn't be arguing with that. I'm sorry."
Jase accepts my apology easily but I am irked by the thought that Jase could give Zach answers that I couldn't. That he has an experience of the world that I will always be outside of. That, worse than that, if sighted people are the enemy and the sighted world is the difficulty, then I am part of the problem.