Part 19

It all starts while we are changing out of our gym clothes after class nearly two weeks after Hannah's birthday.

"Woah, Aisha, what happened to you?" Hannah asks as I pull off my sweaty shirt gesturing concernedly to my back. I peer over my shoulder to see what she is pointing it and am genuinely surprised to see a large purplish bruise it's dark edges tracing down half of my back.

"Oh wow! How did I do that?" I ask pulling on my shirt quickly and running a comb through my hair not wanting to be caught out by the bell.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Hannah presses.

"No," I try to say it flippantly but a knot is already forming in my gut. Luckily the bell rings and we all head off for our next class.

I don't hear anything in History Mr. Geldon could be nattering on about cold fusion or attempting to indoctrinate us into the Hitler youth for all I know. I am distracted by a steady stream of denial- it can't be, I think. Not again. Not now. The denial gets louder as the knot in my stomach gets bigger trying to act as counter point to the dread and certainty that has gripped my gut.

"So what do you think?" Everything sounds like I am listening to it from under a well. Jase touches my thigh. "Earth to Aisha?" He jokes but his eyes crinkle with concern.

"Sorry. I'm off with the fairies. What are we talking about?" I ask dragging my attention back to my lunch and my friends.

"We were wondering of you would mind us tagging along to Jase's track meet on Saturday?" Eli asks.

"Sure. The more the merrier. The school is only like 45 minutes away so it should be fine. I have to go borrow a book before class. I'll meet you at the usual place Jase" I reassure him squeezing his hand before heading off.

Instead of going to the library I pull out my cell phone and make a call.

"Hello is this Dr. Brown's surgery? This is Aisha Ogilvy I need to make an appointment".

Luckily they agree to see me after school. The rest of the day passes in a blur. It barely registers until I have dropped off Jase at his house and I am sitting in Dr. Brown's surgery in a paper gown having blood drawn. I could tell he was concerned when he saw the bruise, his smile was tight when he told me not to jump to conclusions and that we would know more when the blood work came back.

"Have you been more tired recently?" He asks conversationally.

"Kind of but we had Hannah's birthday thing and then my sister's ex has been in town so it has been really crazy..." I trail off.

"Right. Well like I said we'll know more when the blood work comes in" Dr Brown has a high voice for a man but he exudes a confident competence. I wonder if they grade bedside manner in medical school. He probably got an A. He reaches out and pats my hand as he tells me that I can get dressed. Maybe an A+.

"When will the blood work come in?" I ask him as I re-enter the examining room to pick up my school bag.

"We can put a rush on it and have the results in tomorrow." He answers calmly.

"Please do. Thanks Dr. Brown" I head out of the clinic. The snow is falling thick and fast. My hands tremble as I put the key into the ignition. I take a few deep breaths. This isn't happening.

Back at home I cross paths with the now familiar Dudders camped out on the porch. He is huddled in his sleeping bag and the camping stove he uses to keep warm is lit. He doesn't actually sleep on the porch. He comes out early in the morning and follows my sister to her car. He then stalks her on her lunch break before following her home and camping out on the porch until we go to sleep then he heads to his hotel to sleep. Every night for the past week Marcia has sent me out with a plate of dinner for him. He considers this a good sign. I just think it is weird that he is living on our porch.

"Heya Duds!" I greet him as I step over his backpack to get to the door.

"Hello Aisha. How was school today? Why so late getting back? Were you with Jase. I hope you were just doing your homework" He smirks not taking his eyes off his laptop screen. I gave him the wireless password a few days ago.

"School was fine. What I was doing was none of your business. How was stalking today?" I ask.

"She looked around for me in the afternoon. I had just gone to the bathroom and when I stepped out she was kind of looking around for me. I'm sure she is going to break soon. Only a matter of time" He finishes sounding incredibly self satisfied.

"You have officially gone off the deep end Dudders" I comment as I step inside the house.

"I'm a fool for love" He shouts at my retreating back.

Marcia is sitting on the couch dressed in sweats with her laptop in her lap and a glass of wine on the coffee table. She looks up at the sound of Dudders shouting.

"You really need to talk to him. I'm surprised none of the neighbours have called the police yet" I comment as I head into the kitchen and grab a wine glass.

"Oh please. He's charmed all the neighbours with his sad sack romantic act. He even told them why I'm angry with him" Marcia raises her eyebrows as she watches me pour a large glass of wine and sit on the couch next to her.

"Hard day?" She asks. And I almost tell her. But then I remember that, like me, she lost her parents a few months ago, her ex-boyfriend is camped out on her porch and it could all be a false alarm. Even as I am rationalising a shiver of certainty passes over me warning me that it isn't a false alarm. Fine, it isn't a false alarm but I should spare her for a few hours if I can. Marcia wordlessly passes me a blanket. I sit on the couch and finish the glass of wine. The buzz soothes my fray edges even that I can focus through dinner as Marcia tells me about her day. I drink two more glasses and stumble up the stairs. I fall into bed and the room lurches uncomfortably around me.

It is a painfully bright winter morning and I am sitting in the car .

waiting for Jase to join me so we can head to school when the phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hello Aisha. This is Dr. Brown. I put a rush on the results and they are in now. Can you come in after school to discuss them?" Dr Brown asks.

"Yes but could you just give me a hint of what they are so I don't spend the whole day wondering" I answer nervously. My mouth is suddenly very dry. Jase is pulling on a beanie with ear flaps. I hoot the horn so he can locate the car easier.

"I really don't feel comfortable discussing it over the phone. The results are still just between us but I think you should consider bringing your sister along for support" He says. I agree and we say goodbye.

Jase has been sitting quietly waiting for me to finish my conversation. His head turns when I hang up the phone.

"It is freezing today," He starts conversationally "What was that about?" He asks referring to the phone call.

"It was Dr. Brown. I had some tests and he wants me to go in to get the results", I answer while starting the car.

"Is everything okay?" He asks his brow furrows with concern.
"I don't know he wouldn't tell me on the phone. I found this bruise and it's kind of like what happened when I was a kid... when I got cancer" I answer.

"You should go get the results. Just ditch class. The sooner you know it's nothing the happier you'll be" He suggests.

"I can't go without Marcia" I whisper.

"Then get her," He reaches for my arm and squeezes it and I turn to face him. He looks scared.

"You look scared," I comment.

"I am. You are too," He squeezes again but this time he pulls me in for a hug. And although I am frozen through with fear, disbelief and anger I can feel his warmth right outside of me. I close my eyes and try to be grateful that I have someone who cares enough to be afraid. Who loves me. All of a sudden the remembrance that I love him washes over me and I cling to him, surprised that I could have forgotten or misplaced something so powerful, even for a second.

Jase makes me call Marcia who immediately agrees to meet me at Dr. Brown's office. I offer to drop Jase off at school; he looks at me like I am crazy and that is how we all end up in Dr. Brown's waiting room an hour later. Marcia came with Dudders which is too amusing for words.

I am definitely going to tease them about it later. Marcia looks pale and her lips are drawn into a thin line. I'm sure she is angry with me but she is holding it in reasonably well. We don't have an appointment so it is nearly half an hour before Dr. Brown steps out into the waiting room to call me in.

"Hello everybody" He begins addressing my waiting room entourage "I'll just need Aisha and Marcia for now" He says it sweetly ushering Marcia and I into his office.

"Just go. Just tell me" I urge him.

"Well your blood tested positive for cancerous indicators. Given the indicators and your medical history I think it is leukaemia but we need to run more tests before we can say with any certainty how far it has spread. I've already forwarded a referral to the hospital in Boulder they have all the imaging equipment. I also know some very good Oncologists." He finishes.

"If it's all the same Dr. Brown could you stay on as my doctor?" I ask. It feels like I have been quiet for a very long time and my voice feels rusty when I speak. Maybe it has been a long time. Maybe an eternity separates the time before Dr. Brown started talking and after.

"Sure," He nods. Marcia takes charge of the conversation. She pulls out her purple Asprey day planner and begins to ask questions and take notes. I allow myself to drift. It would be obvious to think about my parents when faced, again, with my mortality. Or I could think about my other experiences with cancer. Instead I think about the new ramp they have installed at the nearby indoor skate park and how I wanted to go the weekend it was finished but I put it off. I really want to ride that thing.

part 18

"Brett asked me out for next weekend" Hannah declares excitedly. The afternoon passed quickly and we are now in our room changing to head out for the show. Hannah is sitting on the bed painting her nails as I help her straighten her hair. Jase and I gave her our present while we had coffee when we got back from shopping. Her whole outfit is laid out on her bed and it looks great but she could have worn a burlap sack tonight and have looked fantastic. She is glowing.

"I hope you said yes. The two of you need to get together like, yesterday" I laugh.

"I did but.." She trails off uncertainly.

"What?" I ask absent mindedly looking for something to clip off sections of her hair.

"I mean. It doesn't make any sense at all. Why would he like me?" She asks timidly focusing intensely on her nails.

"Why wouldn't he like you Hannah? You are hilarious, kind and smart. And good looking." I answer easily. I catch her rolling her eyes.

"It just... I don't get it" She finishes awkwardly.

"You don't have to get it. Just enjoy it" I smile.

"Right because I seem capable of not over analysing everything" She smiles.

"Right" I agree "And you are going to look fantastic. Slip on your dress while I figure out my hair situation. You are going to love where we are having dinner tonight. The guy was on top chef", I explain knowing that Top chef is one of our shared tv passions.

"Awesome!" She exclaims. I examine myself critically in the mirror. Given the lack of sleep and the crying I have done today I look okay. I rummage in my bag for the make up bag I rarely use and give myself a touch up of paint before deciding to wear my hair up. I throw on my black shift dress, shrunken velvet blazer and silver wedge heels add some accessories and I am ready to go. Hannah and I snap some pictures in the hotel room before we head out because half the fun is getting ready. We step into the lounge to find Eli and Brett playing video games while Jase seems engrossed in something on his computer. I approach him and gently tap his shoulder. He doesn't seem as startled as he should be- he just calmly pulls off his earphones.

"Are you guys ready?" He asks pleasantly locating his cane and turning off his computer.

This prompts Brett and Eli to turn around. Brett looks like his eyes might roll out of their sockets as he drinks in every detail of how Hannah looks.

"Hannah, you are so beautiful" He says it reverently. Hannah looks like she is loving every minute of it but just smiles and says a shy thank you.

Brett cannot seem to take his eyes off of her.

"You look amazing Aisha" Eli pipes up. Eli was just trying to give me a nice compliment but it just kind of awkwardly punctuates the fact that my boyfriend cannot see me.

"Thanks Eli! Let's hit the town shall we?" As we are headed down the hall we see Amy hovering in the lobby pacing nervously.

"Hey Guys!" She spots us and runs over.

"Amy, I thought you went home? Mum and Dad are waiting for you?" Brett demands.

"Um actually they sent me back. I realized how awful I was to all of you last night and I just wanted to come back and apologise. Aisha you did this amazing thing for Hannah and you were nice enough to invite me I just felt a bit out of my element and I lashed out. I am so sorry- this is to everyone; for ruining your evening." Amy seems sincere.

Hannah just stares at Amy with her mouth slightly open. I begin to move away to give them some privacy when Hannah just lashes out.

"Are you sorry for disappearing for the last year? For being impossible to be around? For pushing away the people who care about you or is this apology limited to this weekend? For turning my birthday into the latest episode of the Amy show. Because it's all about you, right? I should forgive you because I am lucky enough to have you as a friend?" Hannah asks barely concealing her disgust.

"No. I mean I was going through some stuff I'm sorry I couldn't stop to hang out" Amy retorts defensively.

"Oh please Amy you were so wrapped up in your misery you couldn't even see that there were all these people around you wanting to help you. Whatever. I accept your "apology". We're going to go now. Let's go guys!" She demands leading us all to the minivan.

We pile into the car in silence.

"I'm sorry for the scene. Let's just enjoy tonight, okay?" She asks.

We do have fun. The food is delicious, the play was moving and the boys were perfect gentlemen the whole night. We decided to cut the cake back at the hotel room. I head to Marcia's room to grab the cupcakes bouquet we decided to buy instead of birthday cake.

"Wow. So that Amy is interesting" Marcia says as we walk back to the room. I am carrying the box of cupcakes and she is holding a bag full of napkins and party hats.

"That she is" I shrug non comitally. It's really easy for all of us to judge Amy but she used to be someone that Hannah really liked and maybe it's just tough for her to get back there. I don't know her so I'm just going to follow Hannah's lead. We enter the suite to find Eli, Brett and Jase chatting idly in the lounge while Amy and Hannah have a heated discussion on the balcony. Marcia and I exchange confused glances before setting up the cupcakes on the table. I sit on Jase's lap and his hands settle around my waist.

"Was Amy just hanging out by the room waiting for us to get back? We were gone for like 5 hours." I note.

"I think she was. Maybe you should just get them and we can eat the cake. They don't seem to be getting anywhere" Brett suggests. Biting back the temptation to remind them that they could have broken up the argument before Marcia and I got back to the room I head to the balcony gently sliding open the door just in time to hear Amy calling Hannah a bitch. Hannah lunges at Amy but I grab her arm and pull her back.

"Woah guys. Let's go inside and have some cake and tomorrow we'll just head back and put this disaster of a weekend behind us" I suggest wearily.

We head in silently and remain silent all through the most joyless and awkward birthday cake cutting ever. After she has distributed the cupcakes Hannah takes hers to the girls bedroom and slams the door. Brett follows her timidly. Amy sighs and slumps on to the couch where Eli joins her so Jase and I head to the boys' bedroom.

I let Jase enter the room first and wait for him to settle on his bed before joining him. He takes off his sunglasses and collapses his cane placing them both on the bedside table. He leans back on the headboard and wearily shuts his eyes. I fit into his arms and snuggle against his chest. He feels solid and warm and all I want to do is spend another night with him and wake up like this. Maybe we shouldn't have spent the night together. Clearly you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube and now we are one step further and we can never go back to holding hands.

"Urgh! What a drama-fest. This weekend was such a bad idea" I declare tiredly.

"Hey I loved next to normal and I had fun hanging out with you and everyone. Amy and Hannah will work it out" He sighs.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask, closing my eyes as I relax.

“Shoot,” He answers easily, I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Why do you wear the sunglasses?” I ask.

“My eyes have kind of forgotten how to regulate light. Like when you step out of a dimly lit room and you have to squint while you adjust? I don’t which means I can damage my eyes or get random headaches. It kind of helps with identification as well and people get creeped out when you don’t make eye contact with them so it just stops me being worried I seem rude or am making someone feel uncomfortable. Why do you ask?” He asks tilting his head toward me.

“I’ve just always wondered and I’ve never had a blind person handy who I could ask” I yawn.

“Glad I can be of service” His chest rumbles under me as he chuckles gently.

“I’m going to go check on Hannah”, I tell Jase as I get up, stretch and head to the door. The door to the girls bedroom is locked. Instead of knocking I take the hint and head back to the boys bedroom.

“I think I have to sleep here. Brett and Hannah locked the door. I can’t say I’m upset” I giggle. I head into the bathroom to wash off my make up. I slip out of my clothes and underwear and carefully fold them into a neat pile covering myself a towel instinctually before heading back into the room. Jase is bent over his suitcase his head lifts when he hears me enter the room.

“Here you can sleep in this” He hands me a t-shirt with raised bumps over it.

“Thanks. What does it say?” I run my fingers over the braille after I put on the t-shirt.

“It says Hunter School track and field team, it’s from my old school” He approaches me with his hand stretched out when his fingers make contact with my hand he steps around me and heads for the bathroom his hand ghosting the wall.

I hop into bed glad that it is queen size and not lacking in pillows. Jase comes back and timidly approaches the bed pausing when he is standing right beside it.

“Which side are you on?” He asks. He sounds tired.

Instead of answering I gently tug him into the bed pulling him down beside me. I gently stroke his chest in what I hope is a soothing fashion.

“I love you Jase” I say. Glad to be the one to say it first this time.

“I love you too,” He replies.

We talk idly about nothing. Jase falls asleep first and then, lulled by the gentle sounds of his breathing and the rhythmic movement of his chest, I do to.

The ride home is uneventful. Hannah and Amy manage to coexist in a frosty silence that lasts the whole ride back to Everwood. The rest of us make conversation over their terse silence, pretending not to notice it. We drop off Amy and Brett first. Amy just picks up her bag and stalks into the car. Brett exchanges hugs and jokes lightly with all of us before kissing Hannah goodbye and heading inside. I turn to Jase and throw him a knowing look; being met with his unfocused gaze makes me feel pretty stupid. I feel even more stupid when Marcia throws me an understanding smile through the rear-view mirror. We drop off Eli next and then Hannah. It is getting late so the goodbyes are quick. Next Jase and his brother and finally, Marcia and I get home.

“I’ll put the kettle on” I declare as we approach the front door. The end of my sentence is lost in a yelp of surprise when I recognize who is sitting on our front porch.

“Dudders?! What the hell are you doing here?” I rush into his arms and give him a huge hug remembering only that he is our oldest friend and not that he has behaved appallingly.

“What the fuck?!” Marcia yells her voice full of venom and disgust I cringe hearing my sister swearing behind me.

“Look Marcia. I have been sleeping here for two days waiting for you to get back so I could apologize for disappearing on you. My behaviour was vile and contemptous but you have to believe that I still care about you. That I love you” He finishes.

I want to excuse myself and head into the house but I am frozen in place my mouth slightly open. I don’t think I have ever seen Marcia look so furious, disappointed and so utterly heartbroken.

“Love? You love me? I’m surprised you can even use that word. I thought for certain that having a soul was a pre-requisite for its use in this context. Where was the love John? Show me one thing that your love did for me when I really needed it. Show me?” She demands pushing past him using the weight of her suitcase and standing by the door. She laughs almost haughtily at his lack of response.

“Right. I thought so. Please take your love and bugger off you fucking fuck fuck face” She declares as she unlocks the door and slams it loudly as she enters.

Dudders and I look at each other and both stifle the laughs bubbling up inside us.

“I really ruined this, didn’t I?” He asks. His shoulders slump and although his voice is lighthearted I see the tears in his eyes.

“You did you giant idiot. Were you really in Ibiza?” I ask.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t. I should have been there.” His expression is sheepish and his explanation is so half baked that I get a sudden flash of what my sister must be feeling. I want to punch him; right in the nose.

“Well, it was nice to see you again. I would invite you in for some tea but we had a long trip in we were in Boulder for a friend’s birthday. We need some sleep. A speech may work in the movies but you couldn't possibly believe it was going to be that easy. Goodnight Duds” I rush up the stairs. He grabs the door preventing me from closing it.

“Tell her I am not going anywhere. I’m here and I am staying until she speaks to me” He insists.

"Goodnight", I repeat wearily gently shutting the door. Marcia is in her bedroom she doesn't respond when I knock. I can hear her sobs through the door although I know she has stuffed her face into a pillow to muffle the sound. She doesn't like anyone to know when she cries over a guy. I pause at the door for what must be a full minute before heading to my room. I have a quick shower and slip into the t-shirt Jase lent me for the night. I have no intention of ever returning it to him.

The next morning comes faster than anyone would have liked. I get ready for school half asleep. Marcia and I are both running late so we skip breakfast and I only get a quick glimpse at her as she slips into the van and heads to work ignoring Dudders' attempts to speak to her.

"Did you spend the night in the garden?" I ask him as I approach my car. He is standing in the driveway staring despondently at Marcia speeding off.

"I told you I wasn't leaving" He says.

"Okay. Well, I have school. If I leave you here to shower do you promise not to trash the place?" I ask jokingly as I hand him the key.

"No guarantees" He deadpans.

"Guest room is downstairs. Food in the fridge. We'll talk when I get back but if Marcia kicks you out that is it. I can't help you. So improve on your speech" I enter the car.

"Thanks" He says.

I remember;

We sat on the couch and lost ourselves

but I watched your hand and tracked its movement south

As a girl who was good this was required of me

willing myself to want to stop it

and

willing myself to get lost, properly

fully,

hopelessly,

To be beyond reason, shame and self.

To jump,

to surrender.

I was further away from my childhood bedroom and it's lavender walls than I ever had been-

I could swear, looking back on it now,

The sky seemed bigger.

Part 17.

Miraculously everyone gets permission to spend the weekend away from home. Eli's Dad is impressed by Marcia, Brett's parents are simply relieved to have their daughter hanging out with her old friends and Hannah's Aunt goes along with it because Hannah insists it is how she wants to spend her birthday weekend. They have a special family dinner on the actual day and we plan to head off on Friday after school. I am rushing around my room making sure I packed everything. Jase came over to "help" me pack the night before and managed to distract me into doing very sub-standard work. I finally just give up. We need to leave on time. I grab my suitcase and head down the stairs. Jase's brother and Marcia are chatting and Jase is hovering awkwardly at the Kitchen door. I grab him and kiss him.

"Ready to go?" I ask coquettishly.

"Yup. I'm kind of excited. If you had been able to find someone other than my brother to chaperon it would be perfect"

"Hey I am doing you kids a huge favour"Arnold insists from the kitchen.

"Yeah a free trip, a weekend away from Mum and Dad and a chance to hang out with Marcia, who you never stop going on about..." I interrupt Jase's rant tugging him toward me rolling my eyes.

"I hate to break up this outpouring of brotherly love but we should get going. Road trip! Come on guys, woohoo! Road trip!" No one returns my enthusiasm. I can tell Jase is rolling his eyes under his sunglasses. He slows me down and corrects my lead before pulling me in for another kiss this one long and passionate. I am slightly disoriented when it is over but I do catch my sister rolling her eyes and mouthing 'brothers' at me. We pile into the mini van we rented for the drive and pick up the birthday girl, Eli, Amy and Jase on our way out of town. The mood on the drive over is boisterous. We pop open a couple of bottles of champagne and drink it out of paper cups singing along loudly to the radio and telling silly jokes. It feels great to be driving away from school toward an adventure. Hannah keeps randomly declaring "I am the birthday girl!" and we all bow down and mock salute.

We reach the hotel at 7.30pm. As we pull up a hush descends in the car.

"What?" Jase asks whispering in mock reverence.

"This is where we're staying?" Hannah squeals.

"This is where we are staying" I confirm as we step out. She runs over to meet me in front of the lobby.

"This is amazing. How did you... You know what? Never mind. Thank you Aisha. Thank you". She pulls me in for a big hug.

"Wow. You cannot hold your drink." I mutter into her hair laughing.

Everyone is just milling in the lobby in a kind of hushed awe until Marcia hands me the keys to the suite and tells me to meet them in for dinner in like an hour before her and Arnold head up to their rooms.

"Did she just say a suite?" Eli joins me. He has Jase in tow. Jase is still using his cane even though Eli is leading him.

I simply smile and we follow the bellhop to the elevator the suite is on the top floor and he opens the door with a sense of drama that I appreciate. Everyone steps in and then goes absolutely nuts running around the enormous suite. Jase stands in the entry hallway his head cocked to the side as he tries to make sense of the cacophony around him. His cane just sits slackly in his hands. He has plastered on the smile of someone trying desperately to be in on an inside joke- it tries for knowing but ends up sad and unknowing. Finally he gives up and his shoulders sag in defeat. I can tell he is trying to muster up the courage to call for attention. His relief is obvious when I slip my hand in his. I feel like a shitty person for watching him for as long as I did.

"How about a tour?" I lean in and whisper.

"Start with our room" His words are full of bravado that doesn't quite reach his eyes. His hand snakes up from my hand to my forearm and he swings his cane in front of him as we walk.

"We are following the rules buddy" I laughingly reply.

I give him a tour. Eli and Brett set up th X-box they brought with them on the gigantic television in the lounge and Amy and Hannah are in the girls bedroom having a spirited discussion about what to wear to dinner.

"Hey Aisha, where are we going to dinner?" Amy comes out in her robe to ask me. I notice that Eli despite his recent declarations of love for his little sister's babysitter cannot take his eyes off of her.

"It's a pretty casual place not far from here. It said online they do noveau American cuisine." I reply.

"Cool." She pads back to the bedroom.

"I should actually go get ready. We have to leave in like half an hour. You guys should get going as well." Jase has hopped into the shower but I still lower my voice "Please try to keep shit off the floor and not to mess with Jase's stuff" I warn. I only do it because I know Jase never would.

"We're not idiots" Eli insists "Well I'm not an idiot", He gestures to Brett. Brett predictably punches him and I get out of the line of fire.

Everyone manages to make it to the lobby in half an hour and we all pile into the van again. I sit next to Jase who is looking adorable in his button down shirt and sunglasses. He smiles as I snuggle into him. We have the back of the van all to ourselves and he nuzzles my neck and rubs his hands up and down my arm and on the patch of tights peeking out between my dress and my boots. We don't talk because we don't have to. Everyone else is still caught up in the boisterous tone of the ride over from Everwood.

After we order Marcia clears her throat and lifts her glass "To the birthday girl who I hope doesn't mind that since you are all underage you will not be able to go anywhere but bed after dinner." She toasts jokingly.

Everyone rolls their eyes in response and Jase raises his eyebrows questioningly.

"She's a lightweight", I explain "It's the family curse".

The food is delicious and we all head back to the hotel. Everyone is quite tired but we gather in the lounge area of the suite to hang out.

"So I have a surprise for the birthday girl" Amy announces handing out cards to everyone.

"Daniel Oberlin? Wait? Did you get us fake IDs?" Eli turns the card over. His face goes from shocked to elated in a split second.

"What do you think?" Jase asks holding his up to his face. I laugh and turn it around so I can see the picture.

"It looks like you. Exactly like you."

"You mean, it is me."

"I think she used our student ID photos", I answer.

"What are we going to do with them?" Hannah asks her voice faltering.

"Let's hit the city. Go to a college bar or a college party. Do something!" Amy exclaims.

"Amy we could get in serious trouble for using these. For drinking. You know, drinking more, at a bar. It's not a good idea." Hannah says.

"If Hannah doesn't want to we should just stay in. We could watch a movie." I interject trying to ease Hannah's panic.

"C'mon Hannah! This is going to be so much fun. We won't get caught and you don't have to drink and we won't drive. Dude- it's your birthday! Wait I have something that will mellow you out.." She pulls a slightly crumpled joint out of her pocket.

"What is it?" Jase asks me.

"A joint. I feel like I'm guest starring in an episode of Skins right now. Drugs Amy, really? She doesn't want to drink so let's dope her up?" I ask incredulous.

"Oh please. I realise that this is your idea of a fun weekend but most people don't turn seventeen at a weekend long tea party!" She exclaims.

"Woah Amy. That isn't fair. We're all having fun and she didn't have to include your crazy ass" Brett mutters.

"Shut up Brett. You should be happy now you get to be the golden boy again!" She counters.

"Amy.." Eli rises and approaches her placatingly.

"Fuck you" She grunts pulling away from him.

We are all quiet for a moment. I can tell Jase wants to burst out laughing and I can't help but want to join him. I squeeze his arm trying to get a modicum of control.

"I'll smoke it" Hannah says seriously "Pot is worth trashing your friends and behaving like a complete brat and ruining my birthday weekend. Drugs are worth my Dad missing my birthday. Drugs must be pretty fantastic. Light it up Amy. Pass the dutchie." Her face has paled with rage and her lips are narrowed into a thin straight line.

Amy stares at her silently. Hannah grabs the joint and heads out onto the balcony pausing to grab a book of matches off the table. I get up off Jase's lap and pull him up with me. We head on to the balcony to find Hannah taking her first hit.

"You're good at that" I observe as we step onto the balcony. I lead Jase on to the couch. It is freezing so I turn on the outside fire place.

"Yeah well I am the daughter of a raging drug addict so.." She trails off.

"You shouldn't be doing this Hannah" I begin.

"Well I am. Would you like a hit?" She asks settling in to the couch next to Jase and offering him the joint.

"Um. Sure" He replies uncertainly. She carefully places the lit joint in his hand. He reaches down and stubs it out on the floor.

"What the hell Jase!" she exclaims.

"Look Hannah- Your friend just went off on you and there's all that stuff with your Dad. You don't need this right now." Jase responds calmly.

"I don't need this? Have you guys tried it before?" She asks accusingly.

We both nod.

"This weekend is about being a normal teenager, right? Well normal teenagers try weed without panicking that they will turn into their junkie fathers or messed up friends. I just want to try it. I want to get smashed on my birthday- I'll go back to being boring, stick in the mud me tomorrow." She sighs bending down to pick up the joint at Jase's feet.

"Hannah I know this isn't a terrible thing that your doing. It's just some weed but you shouldn't have let Amy get to you. We like you just the way you are. " I say changing tact I sit on the other side of the couch sandwiching Jase between us.

"Yeah well, I'm tired of being scared. I don't like that about me" Hannah sighs. She picks the blunt up and is trying to squash it back into shape.

"You don't have to prove anything to her" I reply "But you also can't smoke that thing alone. Pass it round. I want a hit." I don't want her to try and smoke the whole thing alone. I take it from her and light it up. I take a drag and pass it to Jase turning to face Brett and Eli as they step on to the balcony.

"Amy left. We came bearing tequila and the rest of her stash." Brett announces.

"Where did she go?" I ask.

"Don't know. Do not really care. I am so sorry Hannah. I thought she was.. getting better" Brett sits next to her and gives her a side hug. Eli sits on the easy chair. He takes the joint from Jase and he takes a hit.

"What happened to her?" I ask mellowing out and sinking into Jase luxuriating in the feel of his shirt against my face. I can hear his heart beat. He puts his arm around me.

"Colin. He was my best friend. Her first love. He died." Brett explains pouring out shots and handing them out.

"Wow. I'm sorry Brett" and I mean it.

"Whatever. My Dad's a druggie, Eli's Mum is dead, Jase is blind, Both of Aisha's parents are dead; we all have our sob stories and yet somehow we all manage not to behave like assholes. Amy was just being an asshole nothing happened to make her that way" Hannah says contentedly as she rubs her hands along her face.

We all look at each other and Jase solemnly raises his glass "To our sob stories and to not being assholes!" He declares. We all join him toasting with mock solemnity before dissolving into peals of laughter. Brett suggests a drinking game and rolls another joint. We play the game and Eli plays some music off his Ipod. We dance for a bit. Eli suggests a swim so we all head downstairs still fully dressed. We get to the pool and strip down to our underwear and jump in. We fool around in the pool a little before heading back to the room. It's 4 am and we are in the lounge bundled up in blankets we stripped off the beds. Brett is cuddling Hannah as we watch a movie. I am holding Jase's hand and he is playing with my fingers not really paying attention to the movie. Brett kisses Hannah so sweetly and softly I want to look away so I don't cheapen it by watching. We hear someone fumbling at the door. I go to open it. It's Amy, wearing one shoe. I step aside to let her in.

"What happened to your shoe?" I can't help but ask. She glares at me and stumbles into the room. Hannah rolls her eyes at me. This seems to mark the end of the evening as everyone heads to bed. Brett gives Hannah a kiss goodnight and I pull out the sofa into a bed. I pull Jase down next to me.

"What a weird night" He sighs. I laugh and kiss him. Maybe it is the booze, the weed or the fact that we are in the city away from his parents but we go a lot further than we ever have. Usually one of us will chicken out and pull back but we just go for it and the only sounds are our breathing and the gentle creaking of the sofa bed as we shift our weight. We fall asleep in each others arms.

I wake up in a tumble of limbs and the sound of the phone ringing. I stumble bleary eyed to the phone.

"Hello?" I clear my voice while I answer.

"Hey! You guys should start getting up and meet us for breakfast in like an hour so we can figure out how to spend the morning. Was everything alright last night?" Marcia's voice pours down the line.

I survey the room- it isn't trashed but it isn't tidy. Jase is sprawled on the bed wearing only his underwear.

"It was good. We um just hung out and it got kind of late. I'm going to go start trying to get people up. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." She trills hanging up the phone.

I walk back to the sofa bed and look at my boyfriend. He has a line of drool on his chin but he looks so completely unguarded when he sleeps. A patch of sunlight struggles through a gap in the curtains and hits his bare chest dissecting each hair.

"I can feel you staring," He groans.

"Sorry," I answer slipping into bed next to him. He puts his arms around me.

"We shouldn't have slept together" He says after a beat of silence.

"We didn't. We slept in the same bed," I clarify.

"And now every time I don't fall asleep next to you is going to suck" He groans opening his eyes.

I think "I love you" but I don't say it. Instead I grunt and tap the back of his hand with his cane before running off to the girl's bedroom. The tension is so thick I swear I can see those shimmering cartoon heat lines radiating off the beds where Amy and Hannah are rooting through there suitcases and being furious at each other. I sigh quietly as I head to the bathroom. Once I am spotted though my role becomes evident- I am to play the net in their game of anger tennis.

"You know Aisha I am really glad that you organized this. You are a good friend and not at all self destructive or spiteful" She tells me glaring pointedly at Amy.

"Or passive aggressive or a fucking doormouse" Amy adds glaring back. My head hurts, I excuse myself to shower. I stand under the water a long time steeling myself for the day ahead. I scrub everything twice knowing I should be figuring out how to make peace between Amy and Hannah. My mind ricochets between love, Jase and sex. Do I really love him? The impulse to just say it was incredibly strong but I am 16 years old- what on earth do I even know about love? I know about losing it, obviously. How do I know that loving Jase isn't just lusting after him? Can it be both? Does he love me? What would my Dad think of him? What would they think of our new life? Jase doesn't know anything about my old life.

"Um.. Aisha? Everyone else is kinda ready to head out?" Jase's voice shakes me from my thoughts.

"Sorry. Coming." I dry off quickly, slather on some lotion and put on my underwear before throwing on a robe and heading out of the bathroom to find some clothes. Jase is waiting by the door.

"Hannah and Amy may actually kill each other. My money is on Hannah though, I swear she sounds taller than she did yesterday." He grins impishly. A laugh escapes my mouth.

"Jase I know you can't see me but it is weird getting dressed with you in the room..." I trail off.

Colour floods his cheeks "You're getting dressed?" He clears his throat.

"I haven't started could you, excuse me?" I ask. He nods already moving to the door. He miscalculates the width of the door and bangs his shoulder but it doesn't even register and he hurriedly shuts the door.

Five minutes later we are all headed down to the restaurant for brunch. I am leading Jase- his hand is clasped above my crooked elbow. He is using his cane as well but I think he is just nervous about strange surroundings. The conversation in the group is stilted as every comment Hannah makes elicits a loud groan/ eye roll combination. Hannah has been taking it patiently but I can tell she is near her boiling point. I catch Eli's eye and silently call him over. I give Jase a reassuring squeeze before pull off his hand and switch the lead on to Eli. Without saying anything I walk over to Amy and pull her away from the group signaling to Brett to keep the group moving. Once I decide that we are a safe distance away to make a scene I just face her and look her up and down taking in her bloodshot eyes and poor little me demeanor and allowing myself to finally feel the anger that has been brewing.

"We're going to go the front desk and I am going to call you a cab and you can go home, okay?"

"What?" She protests.

"I am so sick of your shit. You are rude and mean to your friend who really wanted to spend the weekend with you. I get that you are damaged and sad and "dark and twisty" but our little group will do just fine without our personal version of Meredith Grey. You are just tedious to be around Amy so please, give Hannah a proper birthday present and fuck off!" Without intending to my voice had risen to a shout. The hallway wasn't crowded but the maid pulling a laundry trolley seemed suitably horrified by my language.

"Are you serious?" Amy looks at me with surprise but also something next to respect in her eyes.

"How long did you think I was going to take it?"

"Um.. I didn't think about it. Look, you don't have to escort me out. I'll just pack and take the bus back." She says.

"Don't take the bus. They'll be a car waiting to take you back. Bye." I turn and quickly walk away.

The table hushes when I approach it. I smile when I see the empty seat next to Jase and quickly give my sister a peck on the cheek and smile at Arnold before claiming it.

"I hope you guys didn't wait for me to order" I smile, checking out the menu.

"Um. We didn't" Jase addresses me slowly like he is talking to a mentally unstable person.

"Did you kick her ass?" Brett asks in a reverent whisper "I mean, she's my sister so I kind of have to be not okay with that.." he trails off uncertainly.
"Amy decided to leave" I state simply flagging down the waiter to order.
Everyone turns to look at Hannah who takes in the information calmly before returning to her pancakes.
"So I was thinking Hannah, Aisha and I could go shopping and then spa before our big night at the Theatre. What do the boys want to do?" Marcia says changing the subject.
"I thought a day hanging out by the pool before watching the big game at lunch time and then the theatre" Arnold says. None of the boys seem thrilled with the plan. Eli isn't big on sports and Brett and Jase probably want to spend time with their girlfriends.
"How about the girls go shopping and we all meet for lunch and figure it out from there?" I suggest.
"It's a plan. Brett you should call your parents and let them know that Amy is on her way home." Marcia suggests.
"Could I come to the mall with you? I need some help picking something out." Jase asks shyly. I smile wondering what it is that has got him so flustered.

"Of course. Is it for me?" I ask coquettishly.
"It's for my Mum. Her birthday is next week and I wanted to get something for Hannah as well." He replies.
We chat easily on our way to the mall recommended by the hotel concierge. I tell Jase that we have to focus on getting Hannah's stuff out of the way first. Marcia and I attack the stores pulling out racks of stuff for Hannah to try on. Hannah's personal style could best be described as.. modest. I make her try on stuff that she never would but pretty soon she is flouncing around and posing. My sister and I always try on stuff first and then go back for the clothes that really stick out in our minds- the stuff we cannot live without. So after an hour of trying on clothes we head back to Anthropologie and Hannah pays for the sweetest little dress that fits her perfectly. Jase and I secretly pay for the accessories that I picked out that will be our birthday present. We then head off to pick something out for his mother.
"I think this is really sweet of you" I say as we head off to bed bath and beyond to try and pick out something that matches his vague suggestion of 'girly smelling bath crap'.
"Didn't you buy your parents birthday presents?" He smirks.
"All the time. We used to make stuff- dinner, write poetry once we even wrote a song but I thought that sons were supposed to be hideously insensitive," I joke.
"They are but I think we both know that I am an exceptional human being" He laughs.
We stroll through the store. Jase is patient waiting for me to spot something I think may be right. After a while I give up and direct us to the exit heading toward Sephora.
"You never talk about them" Jase observes. I turn to him still holding the sampler stick I had been smelling.
"Talk about who?" I ask reaching to grab a tangerine bottle while placing the sampler stick in Jase's hand for his opinion.
"Your parents. That was like the first time you've ever mentioned them or life before Everwood. I know you think about them- sometimes your voice gets really far away even though you try to hide it. When you are ready- I'd love to hear about them, about your old life" He says it steadily holding my gaze.
A part of me recognizes how sweet it is to have a boyfriend willing to say those things. A bigger part cannot breathe and can barely see for the hot fat tears welling up in my eyes. For a second I want to run out of the store but no matter how angry I am with him I am not going to leave Jase in this store alone. I have finally stumbled on to the major downside of having a blind boyfriend- never ever storming out of a public place and leaving him there. I take a deep breath but the tears are still pouring fast and hot and furious so I pull him out of the store and down an empty corridor where I find a bench that I sit on. My hands are shaking and when Jase reaches out to hold them and feels them tremble I think he realizes how upset I must be. He pulls me in for a hug but I shrug him off.
"Aisha?" He sounds so worried.
I try to pull myself together to answer but my silent crying gives way to noisy coughing sobs.
"You can't just bring them up like that. I think about them all the time Jase. All the time. I don't talk about them because the only way I know how to get up in the morning and go to school and smile and laugh and pretend that every minute without them doesn't make me feel so... orphaned... so fucking adrift that I don't even know which way is up anymore. Is that what you want to know? What you want us to talk about?" I slump on to the bench totally spent.
"Yes," He answers. For a second all I can do is stare at him gobsmacked. He doesn't even look phased.
"What?"
"Yes. I want to talk about that. I can't even imagine what it's like for you but if you told me about that stuff I could be there for you. Hold your hand or" He breaks off rummaging in his pocket for something "Hand you a tissue" He smiles as he hands me a tissue.
"Amy told us that you said you had cancer before. Is that true?" He asks after I take the tissue from him.
"Yeah" I sniff.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" He asks.
"We had so much other stuff in common it didn't really seem important" I joke weakly. He smiles and squeezes my hand waiting for the real answer.
I take a deep breath "It was a long time ago Jase. It didn't seem important" I answer. The truth is I have no idea why I didn't tell him that. He is still quiet. He sits on the bench so still waiting for me to speak.
"I'm sorry" I say.
He squeezes my hand again and pulls me back in for a hug. I sniff loudly and laugh because it has been such a telenovella of a morning.
"I'm a mess" I smile. Everything is starting to feel less far away.
"You're beautiful" He states "and real and so incredibly brave and strong. I love you".
I pause for a second. Nothing prepares you for hearing these words for the first time. I feel breathless but also like I could take on army right now, like I could do anything with Jase near me.
"I love you too" My voice is strong and clear. I need him to know that I have no doubts, no hesitation.
His smile is radiant as he pulls me in for a kiss. We are young, in love and, for a moment, invincible.

Part 16.

"So what do you Americans do for birthday parties? I want to be as culturally sensitive as I can be when planning this thing.." I ask Jase on our way to school the next day.

"I'm sure it's pretty much the same.. I mean you guys bathe the birthday girl or boy in extra virgin olive oil and re- enact the birth before cutting the cake right?"

"Har"

"Are you sure a party is what Hannah needs right now?" He asks tentatively.

"What do you mean? It's her birthday.." I am about to launch into a sarcastic explanation about the historical links between parties and birthdays when he interrupts me.

"No I know. It's just from what you said about the bathroom incident she is bothered about her Dad relapsing. Maybe being a better friend in this situation means talking about it. Letting her freak out about and not throwing her a birthday party." He expounds patiently.

I run my fingers through my hair exasperatedly.

"I mean sure but I'm English" I am trying to change the tone of the conversation because I know he is right.

"Haha. Now a serious response.." He prompts.

"This is what I know how to do. I'm good at.. distractions and running away. I'm here if Hannah wants to talk but I would be a hypocrite to try and force her to deal."

"Okay." He nods solemnly.

"Okay?" I am confused by how quickly he lets it go.

"Yup. Okay. How can I help?"

"What do normal American teens do for their 17th birthdays?"

"I actually have no idea. This whole normal teen thing is new to me too. At school we would have cake and games and stuff.." He trails off.

"Would your parents come visit?"

"Not unless it was on a weekend usually they would call and send a gift. Why don't you ask Hannah what she wants?"

"I actually did my research on that. Did you know Hannah is a huge musical theatre fan but has never actually seen like a professional show? I was thinking we could all go to Boulder and see Next to Normal for her birthday. What do you think?"

" Teenage boys and girls unsupervised on what I assume has to be an overnight trip to a big city to see a musical that deals with mental illness. Yup I honestly do not see how that wouldn't work out." He teases.

"Do not underestimate me my friend. I have a plan. Hey, are we still going to Nina's after school?"

He turns to face me and grins. My heart constricts because he is so cute.

"Of course we are."

I park the car just as the bell rings for the start of class. After school I am shuffling down the corridor heading to the room where the school paper staff meets. I'm a little late but I think the editor will be pleased with my latest piece. I'm kind of lost in my thoughts so it isn't surprising when I run into someone. I mutter an apology and bend over to help pick up the stuff now scattered on the floor.

"Oh hey- how's it going so far?" It's Hannah's friend Amy. She looks better than the last time I saw her. Her hair looks washed at least.

"It's cool so far. How are you?"

"Medicated" She smiles wryly and I can't help but laugh.

"I could tell something was different. Is it a good different or a bad different?"

"A slightly better different different" She picks up the last pencil brushing her hair out of her face.

"Do you work on the paper?" I ask because it is the only activity that runs on a Wednesday afternoon.

"Uh no. I have a lot of detention to do this semester." She looks kind of embarrassed about it. So much for the tough girl act.

"So Hannah's birthday is coming up and we were going to go down to Boulder and see a musical. Please say that you'll come? Hannah really misses you." I realise I'm laying it on a bit thick but I really want her to come.

"Look I'm late for newspaper but we're all meeting at Nina's at like 5 to hang out. I can give you a ride if you want?"

She nods.

"Okay cool. It's the blue Prius. I'll catch you outside after I'm done. Later." By now I am running to the room. I dodge the editor's annoyed look and settle into a chair in the back. I work diligently for an hour before we all put the paper to bed.

As I head outside a part of me is expecting Amy to flake on me but there she is leaning against the car smoking a cigarette and running her fingers through her long blonde hair.

"Hey" She raises her arm in a greeting.

I open the car and shove my bag in. She settles into the passenger seat.

"Do you mind?" I ask gesturing to the cigarette. Stares blankly at me.

"Are you going to give me the whole spiel about how smoking is bad for me?" She asks her voice tinged with hostility.

"Um no. You can do whatever you want but I've had cancer before and it is not something I care to revisit. This is pure selfish self preservation." I answer cheerfully.

"Right. I'm sorry." She flicks it out of the car as I pull out of the school.

We drive the rest of the way in a semi comfortable silence. As we enter Nina's Jase, Eli and Brett are already sitting in the booth laughing about something. Eli looks up and spots us. He seems confused that Amy is with me but gives her a little half smile and waves at me sliding out of the booth where he is sitting next to Jase. Jase looks puzzled for a second but smiles as he feels me slide in next to him and kiss him on the cheek.

"Awwwwww!" Brett says loudly.

Jase blushes and I laugh.

"So is this really happening?" He points at the two of us "Because I was rooting for you two crazy kids all along."

That seems to close the subject as far as Brett is concerned. Jase and I are a couple and that is it. I shoot him a half smile wondering at the perfect nothingness of our time together. I have a feeling those days are behind me. Eli is deep in conversation with Jase and Amy. I clear my throat to get their attention.

"Sorry to interrupt but we need to talk about this before Hannah gets here. Hannah's birthday- how does everyone feel about a trip to Boulder to celebrate? Before you answer- I have sorted out the transport, accomodation and bought the tickets for the musical. This weekend. Can I count you all in?"

Everyone just stops and stares at me. Jase is shaking his head and his face is turning pink with poorly concealed mirth. I nudge him brutally to remind him of the role he is supposed to play here. The role of supportive boyfriend. He clears his throat rubbing his arm where I hit him.

"I'm in. I'll tell them the boys and girls will be sleeping in separate rooms and my brother will be chaperoning- sorry in advance for that- that the evening would consist of dinner and the theatre and nothing more and we would all be home by Sunday afternoon."

"Is all that true?" Eli asks. I nod in response. "Well then awesome. I am not grounded and my Dad is not great at parenting so I am in."

"My parents may be tougher so I may just ride on Brett's coattails when he asks" Amy mumbles.

"Brett is your brother?"

"Amy is my sister." He corrects with a smile.

I know better than to push harder. They all want to come so I just hope that their parents are in on it. We finish just in time. Hannah walks into the cafe and lights up when she spots us and rushes over.

"Hey everyone. Hey Brett" she blushes as she sits down and it dawns on me that Hannah has the hugest crush on Brett! How on earth did I not spot this before. I spend the rest of the time just watching them together. Hannah blushes every time they touch even when it is accidental, especially when it is accidental. She laughs at all his jokes and watches him like a puppy. She has got it bad. Jase reaches for my hand under the table and I give it a squeeze. All at once it hits me that I am sitting here in a new place with entirely new friends. This is my new life.

Part 15.

On Monday I am standing outside of his Math class waiting for Jase to finish speaking to the teacher when Hannah walks by looking pink with emotion. She avoids making eye contact when I wave and I catch the sheen of about to fall tears. Shouting her name I rush after her. She shakes her head but I pull her into a hug and half drag her into the bathroom away from prying eyes.
She rushes to the sink and splashes cold water on her face vigorously trying to get her emotions under control. I just watch her for a second before grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser and silently handing them to her.
"Thanks" she sniffles wiping her glasses on her sleeve before putting them back on her face.
"Anytime" I return my voice full of concern. Another silence. I'm about to cave and ask her what happened when she slumps on to the floor and buries her head in her hands. Cringing at the thought of the number of germs that must make their happy homes on bathroom floors I join her, patting her arm awkwardly.
"What's wrong Hannah?" I ask.
"It is so stupid," she pauses taking a deep wet breathe "I was really hoping that my parents would come down for my birthday. My Dad seemed to be doing okay and I really wanted to see them. So I get a call from my Mum and he relapsed and she can't come without him and so I'm stuck alone. On my 16th birthday just because my stupid junkie Dad couldn't hold it together for a few more days.." She trails off her voice is hard and bitter but I've never seen my friend look so fragile. She looks like her insides have been scrubbed raw. The contrast is shocking. We've talked about her parents before. We've talked about my parents before and every now and again I've caught glimpses of how much the whole situation hurts her. I mentally kick myself for not being a better friend. For being so caught up in my own drama I forgot to ask about how she was doing with everything.
"We could throw a party" I blurt out without even thinking. Hannah just stares at me with an expression that is slowly warming from tragically heart broken to bemused. I think this is a good sign.
"For your birthday. We could have it at mine- invite the whole group Brett, Amy, Eli and Jase could bring along some hotties from the track team. I may even be able to bribe my sister into getting us some champers to toast you with. Music, dancing- it would be fun...." I finish lamely staring at the tiled floor. What is wrong with me? I squeeze her hand and begin to get up of the floor before continuing.
"This Saturday. Invite everyone you want and I will take care of everything. Do you want a ride home? I'm taking Jase.." I offer her my hands and she grunts as she heaves herself off the floor.

"A party, huh?" She smiles slowly clearly warming to the idea.

"Do you want to talk about your Dad and stuff? I'm here to listen Hannah. Anytime." I tell her. She just nods.

We find Jase standing awkwardly in the middle of the corridor.

"Where were you?" He asks with more than a tinge of irritation in his voice. He pulls his hand away when I try to take it.

"We um," I falter when Hannah shoots me a nervous look "I'm sorry. We got caught up in bathroom gossip", I amend giving Hannah a reassuring smile.

"Aisha is throwing me a birthday party", Hannah chirps. I can tell Jase hears the false note in her voice but he lets it go. He snaps open his cane and heads toward the car him not wanting to be lead is a pretty clear sign that he will want a proper apology and explanation later on. I sigh gesturing to Hannah that we should get to the car.

The journey home is awkward as hell. Hannah tries to keep up the conversation with her bizarre Mary Poppins impression, Jase replies in barely audible grunts and I am for the most part silent bracing myself for the coming fight. We drop Hannah off and I drive for a bit before pulling to the side of the road.

"Why did you stop?" Jase asks. I was expecting him to sound angry, he just sounds tired and kind of sad.

"I didn't want to be driving when we fought. It's like the plot of a cheesy RnB music video where they fight and get into a car crash and one of them dies and you would have to like scream at the sky wearing white billowing pants" I explain, he doesn't even crack a smile.

"I understand if you want to hang out with your friends instead of dragging around some blind guy but you should let me know so I can make other arrangements" His voice is flat. The sound terrifies me more than what he is saying.

"Um.. what? Hannah needed to talk. She was really upset. I'm sorry I kept you waiting but there is no way you actually believe I think of you as just some blind guy" I pinch the bridge of my nose as I answer.

"What do you think of me as?" He asks.

"My boyfriend", I answer immediately.

"Your secret boyfriend?" He asks

"Secret? I told Hannah, My sister and I even told Eli since I saw him the day after our date. I could take out an ad in the paper if you like..." I stop since his whole expression tells me he feels like a total jackass. We sit in total silence when I suddenly think I understand.

"Am I your first girlfriend?" I ask.

"You are the first girl who has ever liked me like this and I am just not sure why you do.." He trails off squirming in his seat like a little boy.

"So you are freaking out?" I ask with a smile I hope he can hear in my voice.

"A little" He answers. The squirming lessens slightly.

"I am too", I admit.

"I mean our date it was great", He enthuses.

"Perfect", I interject.

"No awkward silences. We laughed. We talked forever. We kissed goodnight but the whole time I kept thinking.. what next?" He sounds genuinely puzzled.

"I have no idea how to be a girlfriend" I burst out laughing.

"I have no idea how to be your boyfriend" He echoes.

"It's not just that. It's you. I really do not want to screw up. For the first time I really care about the outcome" I admit.

"I feel the same way" He sighs.

"So our first fight is about how much we like each other?We really suck at this." I joke.

"I don't care if you screw up. I can take it, we're going to make mistakes. I'm in this" Jase states solemnly.

I lean in and kiss him.

"Thank you" I whisper and he pulls me in for a hug and holds me for a long time.

"Next time I'm going to keep you waiting I'll send you a text" I say.

"Um no you don't have to. That was actually really pathetic of me. You have full permission to punch me the next time I get so down on myself. I avoid self pity like ebola" He explains.

"Deal" I agree pulling in for another kiss.

There was a boy a boy who filled all the space in my tiny studio
Whose grotty rucksack filled my one room with strange
boy- manly bits and bobs
Every corner overpowered by his
boy-manly smell

His hands moved when he spoke
Urging me to pay attention
to follow along
to respond
He leaned forward when I spoke
His hands still
but still drawing out my words
They ran to him
Leapt into his waiting hands
still but beckoning
My words like neglected puppies.

There was a boy, a boy who took up all the room
Who touched me without asking
Without hesitation as if referencing some prior agreement
Like my body was nothing more than an extension of his
to give pleasure and to take it
I have never wanted to belong to anyone
But I co opted my body and we owned them both jointly
My skin flushed at my touch
His breathe quickened with his kiss
His breast and my hand and my dick and his lips and it was all
a jumble

There was a boy who took up all the room
and filled everything with a thing that I never knew existed
A thing that made me want to open up and open wide and let it all in
brimming and gagging
Wipe the excess of my face with the back of my hand smiling indulgently at the waste
at the abundance.
I couldn't stop smiling even in the dark
My feet pressed lightly against his- confirming
As we shared secrets and dreams and plans
And listened to eachothers breathing and teased
Giggling
I could not stop smiling because it felt like the beginning of everything
I never knew to hope for
Of what life was meant to be like.

And he sent out three words
emissaries in the dark that held in them
A promise and a prison and hope and a tremor of uncertainty
Their weightlessness took my breath away.

There was a boy who left behind so many empty spaces
and I knew through him how awful and lonely this world can be
Before I didn't know any better
How do you thank someone for a lesson that cannot be unlearned?