Miraculously everyone gets permission to spend the weekend away from home. Eli's Dad is impressed by Marcia, Brett's parents are simply relieved to have their daughter hanging out with her old friends and Hannah's Aunt goes along with it because Hannah insists it is how she wants to spend her birthday weekend. They have a special family dinner on the actual day and we plan to head off on Friday after school. I am rushing around my room making sure I packed everything. Jase came over to "help" me pack the night before and managed to distract me into doing very sub-standard work. I finally just give up. We need to leave on time. I grab my suitcase and head down the stairs. Jase's brother and Marcia are chatting and Jase is hovering awkwardly at the Kitchen door. I grab him and kiss him.
"Ready to go?" I ask coquettishly.
"Yup. I'm kind of excited. If you had been able to find someone other than my brother to chaperon it would be perfect"
"Hey I am doing you kids a huge favour"Arnold insists from the kitchen.
"Yeah a free trip, a weekend away from Mum and Dad and a chance to hang out with Marcia, who you never stop going on about..." I interrupt Jase's rant tugging him toward me rolling my eyes.
"I hate to break up this outpouring of brotherly love but we should get going. Road trip! Come on guys, woohoo! Road trip!" No one returns my enthusiasm. I can tell Jase is rolling his eyes under his sunglasses. He slows me down and corrects my lead before pulling me in for another kiss this one long and passionate. I am slightly disoriented when it is over but I do catch my sister rolling her eyes and mouthing 'brothers' at me. We pile into the mini van we rented for the drive and pick up the birthday girl, Eli, Amy and Jase on our way out of town. The mood on the drive over is boisterous. We pop open a couple of bottles of champagne and drink it out of paper cups singing along loudly to the radio and telling silly jokes. It feels great to be driving away from school toward an adventure. Hannah keeps randomly declaring "I am the birthday girl!" and we all bow down and mock salute.
We reach the hotel at 7.30pm. As we pull up a hush descends in the car.
"What?" Jase asks whispering in mock reverence.
"This is where we're staying?" Hannah squeals.
"This is where we are staying" I confirm as we step out. She runs over to meet me in front of the lobby.
"This is amazing. How did you... You know what? Never mind. Thank you Aisha. Thank you". She pulls me in for a big hug.
"Wow. You cannot hold your drink." I mutter into her hair laughing.
Everyone is just milling in the lobby in a kind of hushed awe until Marcia hands me the keys to the suite and tells me to meet them in for dinner in like an hour before her and Arnold head up to their rooms.
"Did she just say a suite?" Eli joins me. He has Jase in tow. Jase is still using his cane even though Eli is leading him.
I simply smile and we follow the bellhop to the elevator the suite is on the top floor and he opens the door with a sense of drama that I appreciate. Everyone steps in and then goes absolutely nuts running around the enormous suite. Jase stands in the entry hallway his head cocked to the side as he tries to make sense of the cacophony around him. His cane just sits slackly in his hands. He has plastered on the smile of someone trying desperately to be in on an inside joke- it tries for knowing but ends up sad and unknowing. Finally he gives up and his shoulders sag in defeat. I can tell he is trying to muster up the courage to call for attention. His relief is obvious when I slip my hand in his. I feel like a shitty person for watching him for as long as I did.
"How about a tour?" I lean in and whisper.
"Start with our room" His words are full of bravado that doesn't quite reach his eyes. His hand snakes up from my hand to my forearm and he swings his cane in front of him as we walk.
"We are following the rules buddy" I laughingly reply.
I give him a tour. Eli and Brett set up th X-box they brought with them on the gigantic television in the lounge and Amy and Hannah are in the girls bedroom having a spirited discussion about what to wear to dinner.
"Hey Aisha, where are we going to dinner?" Amy comes out in her robe to ask me. I notice that Eli despite his recent declarations of love for his little sister's babysitter cannot take his eyes off of her.
"It's a pretty casual place not far from here. It said online they do noveau American cuisine." I reply.
"Cool." She pads back to the bedroom.
"I should actually go get ready. We have to leave in like half an hour. You guys should get going as well." Jase has hopped into the shower but I still lower my voice "Please try to keep shit off the floor and not to mess with Jase's stuff" I warn. I only do it because I know Jase never would.
"We're not idiots" Eli insists "Well I'm not an idiot", He gestures to Brett. Brett predictably punches him and I get out of the line of fire.
Everyone manages to make it to the lobby in half an hour and we all pile into the van again. I sit next to Jase who is looking adorable in his button down shirt and sunglasses. He smiles as I snuggle into him. We have the back of the van all to ourselves and he nuzzles my neck and rubs his hands up and down my arm and on the patch of tights peeking out between my dress and my boots. We don't talk because we don't have to. Everyone else is still caught up in the boisterous tone of the ride over from Everwood.
After we order Marcia clears her throat and lifts her glass "To the birthday girl who I hope doesn't mind that since you are all underage you will not be able to go anywhere but bed after dinner." She toasts jokingly.
Everyone rolls their eyes in response and Jase raises his eyebrows questioningly.
"She's a lightweight", I explain "It's the family curse".
The food is delicious and we all head back to the hotel. Everyone is quite tired but we gather in the lounge area of the suite to hang out.
"So I have a surprise for the birthday girl" Amy announces handing out cards to everyone.
"Daniel Oberlin? Wait? Did you get us fake IDs?" Eli turns the card over. His face goes from shocked to elated in a split second.
"What do you think?" Jase asks holding his up to his face. I laugh and turn it around so I can see the picture.
"It looks like you. Exactly like you."
"You mean, it is me."
"I think she used our student ID photos", I answer.
"What are we going to do with them?" Hannah asks her voice faltering.
"Let's hit the city. Go to a college bar or a college party. Do something!" Amy exclaims.
"Amy we could get in serious trouble for using these. For drinking. You know, drinking more, at a bar. It's not a good idea." Hannah says.
"If Hannah doesn't want to we should just stay in. We could watch a movie." I interject trying to ease Hannah's panic.
"C'mon Hannah! This is going to be so much fun. We won't get caught and you don't have to drink and we won't drive. Dude- it's your birthday! Wait I have something that will mellow you out.." She pulls a slightly crumpled joint out of her pocket.
"What is it?" Jase asks me.
"A joint. I feel like I'm guest starring in an episode of Skins right now. Drugs Amy, really? She doesn't want to drink so let's dope her up?" I ask incredulous.
"Oh please. I realise that this is your idea of a fun weekend but most people don't turn seventeen at a weekend long tea party!" She exclaims.
"Woah Amy. That isn't fair. We're all having fun and she didn't have to include your crazy ass" Brett mutters.
"Shut up Brett. You should be happy now you get to be the golden boy again!" She counters.
"Amy.." Eli rises and approaches her placatingly.
"Fuck you" She grunts pulling away from him.
We are all quiet for a moment. I can tell Jase wants to burst out laughing and I can't help but want to join him. I squeeze his arm trying to get a modicum of control.
"I'll smoke it" Hannah says seriously "Pot is worth trashing your friends and behaving like a complete brat and ruining my birthday weekend. Drugs are worth my Dad missing my birthday. Drugs must be pretty fantastic. Light it up Amy. Pass the dutchie." Her face has paled with rage and her lips are narrowed into a thin straight line.
Amy stares at her silently. Hannah grabs the joint and heads out onto the balcony pausing to grab a book of matches off the table. I get up off Jase's lap and pull him up with me. We head on to the balcony to find Hannah taking her first hit.
"You're good at that" I observe as we step onto the balcony. I lead Jase on to the couch. It is freezing so I turn on the outside fire place.
"Yeah well I am the daughter of a raging drug addict so.." She trails off.
"You shouldn't be doing this Hannah" I begin.
"Well I am. Would you like a hit?" She asks settling in to the couch next to Jase and offering him the joint.
"Um. Sure" He replies uncertainly. She carefully places the lit joint in his hand. He reaches down and stubs it out on the floor.
"What the hell Jase!" she exclaims.
"Look Hannah- Your friend just went off on you and there's all that stuff with your Dad. You don't need this right now." Jase responds calmly.
"I don't need this? Have you guys tried it before?" She asks accusingly.
We both nod.
"This weekend is about being a normal teenager, right? Well normal teenagers try weed without panicking that they will turn into their junkie fathers or messed up friends. I just want to try it. I want to get smashed on my birthday- I'll go back to being boring, stick in the mud me tomorrow." She sighs bending down to pick up the joint at Jase's feet.
"Hannah I know this isn't a terrible thing that your doing. It's just some weed but you shouldn't have let Amy get to you. We like you just the way you are. " I say changing tact I sit on the other side of the couch sandwiching Jase between us.
"Yeah well, I'm tired of being scared. I don't like that about me" Hannah sighs. She picks the blunt up and is trying to squash it back into shape.
"You don't have to prove anything to her" I reply "But you also can't smoke that thing alone. Pass it round. I want a hit." I don't want her to try and smoke the whole thing alone. I take it from her and light it up. I take a drag and pass it to Jase turning to face Brett and Eli as they step on to the balcony.
"Amy left. We came bearing tequila and the rest of her stash." Brett announces.
"Where did she go?" I ask.
"Don't know. Do not really care. I am so sorry Hannah. I thought she was.. getting better" Brett sits next to her and gives her a side hug. Eli sits on the easy chair. He takes the joint from Jase and he takes a hit.
"What happened to her?" I ask mellowing out and sinking into Jase luxuriating in the feel of his shirt against my face. I can hear his heart beat. He puts his arm around me.
"Colin. He was my best friend. Her first love. He died." Brett explains pouring out shots and handing them out.
"Wow. I'm sorry Brett" and I mean it.
"Whatever. My Dad's a druggie, Eli's Mum is dead, Jase is blind, Both of Aisha's parents are dead; we all have our sob stories and yet somehow we all manage not to behave like assholes. Amy was just being an asshole nothing happened to make her that way" Hannah says contentedly as she rubs her hands along her face.
We all look at each other and Jase solemnly raises his glass "To our sob stories and to not being assholes!" He declares. We all join him toasting with mock solemnity before dissolving into peals of laughter. Brett suggests a drinking game and rolls another joint. We play the game and Eli plays some music off his Ipod. We dance for a bit. Eli suggests a swim so we all head downstairs still fully dressed. We get to the pool and strip down to our underwear and jump in. We fool around in the pool a little before heading back to the room. It's 4 am and we are in the lounge bundled up in blankets we stripped off the beds. Brett is cuddling Hannah as we watch a movie. I am holding Jase's hand and he is playing with my fingers not really paying attention to the movie. Brett kisses Hannah so sweetly and softly I want to look away so I don't cheapen it by watching. We hear someone fumbling at the door. I go to open it. It's Amy, wearing one shoe. I step aside to let her in.
"What happened to your shoe?" I can't help but ask. She glares at me and stumbles into the room. Hannah rolls her eyes at me. This seems to mark the end of the evening as everyone heads to bed. Brett gives Hannah a kiss goodnight and I pull out the sofa into a bed. I pull Jase down next to me.
"What a weird night" He sighs. I laugh and kiss him. Maybe it is the booze, the weed or the fact that we are in the city away from his parents but we go a lot further than we ever have. Usually one of us will chicken out and pull back but we just go for it and the only sounds are our breathing and the gentle creaking of the sofa bed as we shift our weight. We fall asleep in each others arms.
I wake up in a tumble of limbs and the sound of the phone ringing. I stumble bleary eyed to the phone.
"Hello?" I clear my voice while I answer.
"Hey! You guys should start getting up and meet us for breakfast in like an hour so we can figure out how to spend the morning. Was everything alright last night?" Marcia's voice pours down the line.
I survey the room- it isn't trashed but it isn't tidy. Jase is sprawled on the bed wearing only his underwear.
"It was good. We um just hung out and it got kind of late. I'm going to go start trying to get people up. Wish me luck."
"Good luck." She trills hanging up the phone.
I walk back to the sofa bed and look at my boyfriend. He has a line of drool on his chin but he looks so completely unguarded when he sleeps. A patch of sunlight struggles through a gap in the curtains and hits his bare chest dissecting each hair.
"I can feel you staring," He groans.
"Sorry," I answer slipping into bed next to him. He puts his arms around me.
"We shouldn't have slept together" He says after a beat of silence.
"We didn't. We slept in the same bed," I clarify.
"And now every time I don't fall asleep next to you is going to suck" He groans opening his eyes.
I think "I love you" but I don't say it. Instead I grunt and tap the back of his hand with his cane before running off to the girl's bedroom. The tension is so thick I swear I can see those shimmering cartoon heat lines radiating off the beds where Amy and Hannah are rooting through there suitcases and being furious at each other. I sigh quietly as I head to the bathroom. Once I am spotted though my role becomes evident- I am to play the net in their game of anger tennis.
"You know Aisha I am really glad that you organized this. You are a good friend and not at all self destructive or spiteful" She tells me glaring pointedly at Amy.
"Or passive aggressive or a fucking doormouse" Amy adds glaring back. My head hurts, I excuse myself to shower. I stand under the water a long time steeling myself for the day ahead. I scrub everything twice knowing I should be figuring out how to make peace between Amy and Hannah. My mind ricochets between love, Jase and sex. Do I really love him? The impulse to just say it was incredibly strong but I am 16 years old- what on earth do I even know about love? I know about losing it, obviously. How do I know that loving Jase isn't just lusting after him? Can it be both? Does he love me? What would my Dad think of him? What would they think of our new life? Jase doesn't know anything about my old life.
"Um.. Aisha? Everyone else is kinda ready to head out?" Jase's voice shakes me from my thoughts.
"Sorry. Coming." I dry off quickly, slather on some lotion and put on my underwear before throwing on a robe and heading out of the bathroom to find some clothes. Jase is waiting by the door.
"Hannah and Amy may actually kill each other. My money is on Hannah though, I swear she sounds taller than she did yesterday." He grins impishly. A laugh escapes my mouth.
"Jase I know you can't see me but it is weird getting dressed with you in the room..." I trail off.
Colour floods his cheeks "You're getting dressed?" He clears his throat.
"I haven't started could you, excuse me?" I ask. He nods already moving to the door. He miscalculates the width of the door and bangs his shoulder but it doesn't even register and he hurriedly shuts the door.
Five minutes later we are all headed down to the restaurant for brunch. I am leading Jase- his hand is clasped above my crooked elbow. He is using his cane as well but I think he is just nervous about strange surroundings. The conversation in the group is stilted as every comment Hannah makes elicits a loud groan/ eye roll combination. Hannah has been taking it patiently but I can tell she is near her boiling point. I catch Eli's eye and silently call him over. I give Jase a reassuring squeeze before pull off his hand and switch the lead on to Eli. Without saying anything I walk over to Amy and pull her away from the group signaling to Brett to keep the group moving. Once I decide that we are a safe distance away to make a scene I just face her and look her up and down taking in her bloodshot eyes and poor little me demeanor and allowing myself to finally feel the anger that has been brewing.
"We're going to go the front desk and I am going to call you a cab and you can go home, okay?"
"What?" She protests.
"I am so sick of your shit. You are rude and mean to your friend who really wanted to spend the weekend with you. I get that you are damaged and sad and "dark and twisty" but our little group will do just fine without our personal version of Meredith Grey. You are just tedious to be around Amy so please, give Hannah a proper birthday present and fuck off!" Without intending to my voice had risen to a shout. The hallway wasn't crowded but the maid pulling a laundry trolley seemed suitably horrified by my language.
"Are you serious?" Amy looks at me with surprise but also something next to respect in her eyes.
"How long did you think I was going to take it?"
"Um.. I didn't think about it. Look, you don't have to escort me out. I'll just pack and take the bus back." She says.
"Don't take the bus. They'll be a car waiting to take you back. Bye." I turn and quickly walk away.
The table hushes when I approach it. I smile when I see the empty seat next to Jase and quickly give my sister a peck on the cheek and smile at Arnold before claiming it.
"I hope you guys didn't wait for me to order" I smile, checking out the menu.
"Um. We didn't" Jase addresses me slowly like he is talking to a mentally unstable person.
"Did you kick her ass?" Brett asks in a reverent whisper "I mean, she's my sister so I kind of have to be not okay with that.." he trails off uncertainly.
"Amy decided to leave" I state simply flagging down the waiter to order.
Everyone turns to look at Hannah who takes in the information calmly before returning to her pancakes.
"So I was thinking Hannah, Aisha and I could go shopping and then spa before our big night at the Theatre. What do the boys want to do?" Marcia says changing the subject.
"I thought a day hanging out by the pool before watching the big game at lunch time and then the theatre" Arnold says. None of the boys seem thrilled with the plan. Eli isn't big on sports and Brett and Jase probably want to spend time with their girlfriends.
"How about the girls go shopping and we all meet for lunch and figure it out from there?" I suggest.
"It's a plan. Brett you should call your parents and let them know that Amy is on her way home." Marcia suggests.
"Could I come to the mall with you? I need some help picking something out." Jase asks shyly. I smile wondering what it is that has got him so flustered.
"Of course. Is it for me?" I ask coquettishly.
"It's for my Mum. Her birthday is next week and I wanted to get something for Hannah as well." He replies.
We chat easily on our way to the mall recommended by the hotel concierge. I tell Jase that we have to focus on getting Hannah's stuff out of the way first. Marcia and I attack the stores pulling out racks of stuff for Hannah to try on. Hannah's personal style could best be described as.. modest. I make her try on stuff that she never would but pretty soon she is flouncing around and posing. My sister and I always try on stuff first and then go back for the clothes that really stick out in our minds- the stuff we cannot live without. So after an hour of trying on clothes we head back to Anthropologie and Hannah pays for the sweetest little dress that fits her perfectly. Jase and I secretly pay for the accessories that I picked out that will be our birthday present. We then head off to pick something out for his mother.
"I think this is really sweet of you" I say as we head off to bed bath and beyond to try and pick out something that matches his vague suggestion of 'girly smelling bath crap'.
"Didn't you buy your parents birthday presents?" He smirks.
"All the time. We used to make stuff- dinner, write poetry once we even wrote a song but I thought that sons were supposed to be hideously insensitive," I joke.
"They are but I think we both know that I am an exceptional human being" He laughs.
We stroll through the store. Jase is patient waiting for me to spot something I think may be right. After a while I give up and direct us to the exit heading toward Sephora.
"You never talk about them" Jase observes. I turn to him still holding the sampler stick I had been smelling.
"Talk about who?" I ask reaching to grab a tangerine bottle while placing the sampler stick in Jase's hand for his opinion.
"Your parents. That was like the first time you've ever mentioned them or life before Everwood. I know you think about them- sometimes your voice gets really far away even though you try to hide it. When you are ready- I'd love to hear about them, about your old life" He says it steadily holding my gaze.
A part of me recognizes how sweet it is to have a boyfriend willing to say those things. A bigger part cannot breathe and can barely see for the hot fat tears welling up in my eyes. For a second I want to run out of the store but no matter how angry I am with him I am not going to leave Jase in this store alone. I have finally stumbled on to the major downside of having a blind boyfriend- never ever storming out of a public place and leaving him there. I take a deep breath but the tears are still pouring fast and hot and furious so I pull him out of the store and down an empty corridor where I find a bench that I sit on. My hands are shaking and when Jase reaches out to hold them and feels them tremble I think he realizes how upset I must be. He pulls me in for a hug but I shrug him off.
"Aisha?" He sounds so worried.
I try to pull myself together to answer but my silent crying gives way to noisy coughing sobs.
"You can't just bring them up like that. I think about them all the time Jase. All the time. I don't talk about them because the only way I know how to get up in the morning and go to school and smile and laugh and pretend that every minute without them doesn't make me feel so... orphaned... so fucking adrift that I don't even know which way is up anymore. Is that what you want to know? What you want us to talk about?" I slump on to the bench totally spent.
"Yes," He answers. For a second all I can do is stare at him gobsmacked. He doesn't even look phased.
"What?"
"Yes. I want to talk about that. I can't even imagine what it's like for you but if you told me about that stuff I could be there for you. Hold your hand or" He breaks off rummaging in his pocket for something "Hand you a tissue" He smiles as he hands me a tissue.
"Amy told us that you said you had cancer before. Is that true?" He asks after I take the tissue from him.
"Yeah" I sniff.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" He asks.
"We had so much other stuff in common it didn't really seem important" I joke weakly. He smiles and squeezes my hand waiting for the real answer.
I take a deep breath "It was a long time ago Jase. It didn't seem important" I answer. The truth is I have no idea why I didn't tell him that. He is still quiet. He sits on the bench so still waiting for me to speak.
"I'm sorry" I say.
He squeezes my hand again and pulls me back in for a hug. I sniff loudly and laugh because it has been such a telenovella of a morning.
"I'm a mess" I smile. Everything is starting to feel less far away.
"You're beautiful" He states "and real and so incredibly brave and strong. I love you".
I pause for a second. Nothing prepares you for hearing these words for the first time. I feel breathless but also like I could take on army right now, like I could do anything with Jase near me.
"I love you too" My voice is strong and clear. I need him to know that I have no doubts, no hesitation.
His smile is radiant as he pulls me in for a kiss. We are young, in love and, for a moment, invincible.
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