Part 16.

"So what do you Americans do for birthday parties? I want to be as culturally sensitive as I can be when planning this thing.." I ask Jase on our way to school the next day.

"I'm sure it's pretty much the same.. I mean you guys bathe the birthday girl or boy in extra virgin olive oil and re- enact the birth before cutting the cake right?"

"Har"

"Are you sure a party is what Hannah needs right now?" He asks tentatively.

"What do you mean? It's her birthday.." I am about to launch into a sarcastic explanation about the historical links between parties and birthdays when he interrupts me.

"No I know. It's just from what you said about the bathroom incident she is bothered about her Dad relapsing. Maybe being a better friend in this situation means talking about it. Letting her freak out about and not throwing her a birthday party." He expounds patiently.

I run my fingers through my hair exasperatedly.

"I mean sure but I'm English" I am trying to change the tone of the conversation because I know he is right.

"Haha. Now a serious response.." He prompts.

"This is what I know how to do. I'm good at.. distractions and running away. I'm here if Hannah wants to talk but I would be a hypocrite to try and force her to deal."

"Okay." He nods solemnly.

"Okay?" I am confused by how quickly he lets it go.

"Yup. Okay. How can I help?"

"What do normal American teens do for their 17th birthdays?"

"I actually have no idea. This whole normal teen thing is new to me too. At school we would have cake and games and stuff.." He trails off.

"Would your parents come visit?"

"Not unless it was on a weekend usually they would call and send a gift. Why don't you ask Hannah what she wants?"

"I actually did my research on that. Did you know Hannah is a huge musical theatre fan but has never actually seen like a professional show? I was thinking we could all go to Boulder and see Next to Normal for her birthday. What do you think?"

" Teenage boys and girls unsupervised on what I assume has to be an overnight trip to a big city to see a musical that deals with mental illness. Yup I honestly do not see how that wouldn't work out." He teases.

"Do not underestimate me my friend. I have a plan. Hey, are we still going to Nina's after school?"

He turns to face me and grins. My heart constricts because he is so cute.

"Of course we are."

I park the car just as the bell rings for the start of class. After school I am shuffling down the corridor heading to the room where the school paper staff meets. I'm a little late but I think the editor will be pleased with my latest piece. I'm kind of lost in my thoughts so it isn't surprising when I run into someone. I mutter an apology and bend over to help pick up the stuff now scattered on the floor.

"Oh hey- how's it going so far?" It's Hannah's friend Amy. She looks better than the last time I saw her. Her hair looks washed at least.

"It's cool so far. How are you?"

"Medicated" She smiles wryly and I can't help but laugh.

"I could tell something was different. Is it a good different or a bad different?"

"A slightly better different different" She picks up the last pencil brushing her hair out of her face.

"Do you work on the paper?" I ask because it is the only activity that runs on a Wednesday afternoon.

"Uh no. I have a lot of detention to do this semester." She looks kind of embarrassed about it. So much for the tough girl act.

"So Hannah's birthday is coming up and we were going to go down to Boulder and see a musical. Please say that you'll come? Hannah really misses you." I realise I'm laying it on a bit thick but I really want her to come.

"Look I'm late for newspaper but we're all meeting at Nina's at like 5 to hang out. I can give you a ride if you want?"

She nods.

"Okay cool. It's the blue Prius. I'll catch you outside after I'm done. Later." By now I am running to the room. I dodge the editor's annoyed look and settle into a chair in the back. I work diligently for an hour before we all put the paper to bed.

As I head outside a part of me is expecting Amy to flake on me but there she is leaning against the car smoking a cigarette and running her fingers through her long blonde hair.

"Hey" She raises her arm in a greeting.

I open the car and shove my bag in. She settles into the passenger seat.

"Do you mind?" I ask gesturing to the cigarette. Stares blankly at me.

"Are you going to give me the whole spiel about how smoking is bad for me?" She asks her voice tinged with hostility.

"Um no. You can do whatever you want but I've had cancer before and it is not something I care to revisit. This is pure selfish self preservation." I answer cheerfully.

"Right. I'm sorry." She flicks it out of the car as I pull out of the school.

We drive the rest of the way in a semi comfortable silence. As we enter Nina's Jase, Eli and Brett are already sitting in the booth laughing about something. Eli looks up and spots us. He seems confused that Amy is with me but gives her a little half smile and waves at me sliding out of the booth where he is sitting next to Jase. Jase looks puzzled for a second but smiles as he feels me slide in next to him and kiss him on the cheek.

"Awwwwww!" Brett says loudly.

Jase blushes and I laugh.

"So is this really happening?" He points at the two of us "Because I was rooting for you two crazy kids all along."

That seems to close the subject as far as Brett is concerned. Jase and I are a couple and that is it. I shoot him a half smile wondering at the perfect nothingness of our time together. I have a feeling those days are behind me. Eli is deep in conversation with Jase and Amy. I clear my throat to get their attention.

"Sorry to interrupt but we need to talk about this before Hannah gets here. Hannah's birthday- how does everyone feel about a trip to Boulder to celebrate? Before you answer- I have sorted out the transport, accomodation and bought the tickets for the musical. This weekend. Can I count you all in?"

Everyone just stops and stares at me. Jase is shaking his head and his face is turning pink with poorly concealed mirth. I nudge him brutally to remind him of the role he is supposed to play here. The role of supportive boyfriend. He clears his throat rubbing his arm where I hit him.

"I'm in. I'll tell them the boys and girls will be sleeping in separate rooms and my brother will be chaperoning- sorry in advance for that- that the evening would consist of dinner and the theatre and nothing more and we would all be home by Sunday afternoon."

"Is all that true?" Eli asks. I nod in response. "Well then awesome. I am not grounded and my Dad is not great at parenting so I am in."

"My parents may be tougher so I may just ride on Brett's coattails when he asks" Amy mumbles.

"Brett is your brother?"

"Amy is my sister." He corrects with a smile.

I know better than to push harder. They all want to come so I just hope that their parents are in on it. We finish just in time. Hannah walks into the cafe and lights up when she spots us and rushes over.

"Hey everyone. Hey Brett" she blushes as she sits down and it dawns on me that Hannah has the hugest crush on Brett! How on earth did I not spot this before. I spend the rest of the time just watching them together. Hannah blushes every time they touch even when it is accidental, especially when it is accidental. She laughs at all his jokes and watches him like a puppy. She has got it bad. Jase reaches for my hand under the table and I give it a squeeze. All at once it hits me that I am sitting here in a new place with entirely new friends. This is my new life.

Part 15.

On Monday I am standing outside of his Math class waiting for Jase to finish speaking to the teacher when Hannah walks by looking pink with emotion. She avoids making eye contact when I wave and I catch the sheen of about to fall tears. Shouting her name I rush after her. She shakes her head but I pull her into a hug and half drag her into the bathroom away from prying eyes.
She rushes to the sink and splashes cold water on her face vigorously trying to get her emotions under control. I just watch her for a second before grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser and silently handing them to her.
"Thanks" she sniffles wiping her glasses on her sleeve before putting them back on her face.
"Anytime" I return my voice full of concern. Another silence. I'm about to cave and ask her what happened when she slumps on to the floor and buries her head in her hands. Cringing at the thought of the number of germs that must make their happy homes on bathroom floors I join her, patting her arm awkwardly.
"What's wrong Hannah?" I ask.
"It is so stupid," she pauses taking a deep wet breathe "I was really hoping that my parents would come down for my birthday. My Dad seemed to be doing okay and I really wanted to see them. So I get a call from my Mum and he relapsed and she can't come without him and so I'm stuck alone. On my 16th birthday just because my stupid junkie Dad couldn't hold it together for a few more days.." She trails off her voice is hard and bitter but I've never seen my friend look so fragile. She looks like her insides have been scrubbed raw. The contrast is shocking. We've talked about her parents before. We've talked about my parents before and every now and again I've caught glimpses of how much the whole situation hurts her. I mentally kick myself for not being a better friend. For being so caught up in my own drama I forgot to ask about how she was doing with everything.
"We could throw a party" I blurt out without even thinking. Hannah just stares at me with an expression that is slowly warming from tragically heart broken to bemused. I think this is a good sign.
"For your birthday. We could have it at mine- invite the whole group Brett, Amy, Eli and Jase could bring along some hotties from the track team. I may even be able to bribe my sister into getting us some champers to toast you with. Music, dancing- it would be fun...." I finish lamely staring at the tiled floor. What is wrong with me? I squeeze her hand and begin to get up of the floor before continuing.
"This Saturday. Invite everyone you want and I will take care of everything. Do you want a ride home? I'm taking Jase.." I offer her my hands and she grunts as she heaves herself off the floor.

"A party, huh?" She smiles slowly clearly warming to the idea.

"Do you want to talk about your Dad and stuff? I'm here to listen Hannah. Anytime." I tell her. She just nods.

We find Jase standing awkwardly in the middle of the corridor.

"Where were you?" He asks with more than a tinge of irritation in his voice. He pulls his hand away when I try to take it.

"We um," I falter when Hannah shoots me a nervous look "I'm sorry. We got caught up in bathroom gossip", I amend giving Hannah a reassuring smile.

"Aisha is throwing me a birthday party", Hannah chirps. I can tell Jase hears the false note in her voice but he lets it go. He snaps open his cane and heads toward the car him not wanting to be lead is a pretty clear sign that he will want a proper apology and explanation later on. I sigh gesturing to Hannah that we should get to the car.

The journey home is awkward as hell. Hannah tries to keep up the conversation with her bizarre Mary Poppins impression, Jase replies in barely audible grunts and I am for the most part silent bracing myself for the coming fight. We drop Hannah off and I drive for a bit before pulling to the side of the road.

"Why did you stop?" Jase asks. I was expecting him to sound angry, he just sounds tired and kind of sad.

"I didn't want to be driving when we fought. It's like the plot of a cheesy RnB music video where they fight and get into a car crash and one of them dies and you would have to like scream at the sky wearing white billowing pants" I explain, he doesn't even crack a smile.

"I understand if you want to hang out with your friends instead of dragging around some blind guy but you should let me know so I can make other arrangements" His voice is flat. The sound terrifies me more than what he is saying.

"Um.. what? Hannah needed to talk. She was really upset. I'm sorry I kept you waiting but there is no way you actually believe I think of you as just some blind guy" I pinch the bridge of my nose as I answer.

"What do you think of me as?" He asks.

"My boyfriend", I answer immediately.

"Your secret boyfriend?" He asks

"Secret? I told Hannah, My sister and I even told Eli since I saw him the day after our date. I could take out an ad in the paper if you like..." I stop since his whole expression tells me he feels like a total jackass. We sit in total silence when I suddenly think I understand.

"Am I your first girlfriend?" I ask.

"You are the first girl who has ever liked me like this and I am just not sure why you do.." He trails off squirming in his seat like a little boy.

"So you are freaking out?" I ask with a smile I hope he can hear in my voice.

"A little" He answers. The squirming lessens slightly.

"I am too", I admit.

"I mean our date it was great", He enthuses.

"Perfect", I interject.

"No awkward silences. We laughed. We talked forever. We kissed goodnight but the whole time I kept thinking.. what next?" He sounds genuinely puzzled.

"I have no idea how to be a girlfriend" I burst out laughing.

"I have no idea how to be your boyfriend" He echoes.

"It's not just that. It's you. I really do not want to screw up. For the first time I really care about the outcome" I admit.

"I feel the same way" He sighs.

"So our first fight is about how much we like each other?We really suck at this." I joke.

"I don't care if you screw up. I can take it, we're going to make mistakes. I'm in this" Jase states solemnly.

I lean in and kiss him.

"Thank you" I whisper and he pulls me in for a hug and holds me for a long time.

"Next time I'm going to keep you waiting I'll send you a text" I say.

"Um no you don't have to. That was actually really pathetic of me. You have full permission to punch me the next time I get so down on myself. I avoid self pity like ebola" He explains.

"Deal" I agree pulling in for another kiss.

There was a boy a boy who filled all the space in my tiny studio
Whose grotty rucksack filled my one room with strange
boy- manly bits and bobs
Every corner overpowered by his
boy-manly smell

His hands moved when he spoke
Urging me to pay attention
to follow along
to respond
He leaned forward when I spoke
His hands still
but still drawing out my words
They ran to him
Leapt into his waiting hands
still but beckoning
My words like neglected puppies.

There was a boy, a boy who took up all the room
Who touched me without asking
Without hesitation as if referencing some prior agreement
Like my body was nothing more than an extension of his
to give pleasure and to take it
I have never wanted to belong to anyone
But I co opted my body and we owned them both jointly
My skin flushed at my touch
His breathe quickened with his kiss
His breast and my hand and my dick and his lips and it was all
a jumble

There was a boy who took up all the room
and filled everything with a thing that I never knew existed
A thing that made me want to open up and open wide and let it all in
brimming and gagging
Wipe the excess of my face with the back of my hand smiling indulgently at the waste
at the abundance.
I couldn't stop smiling even in the dark
My feet pressed lightly against his- confirming
As we shared secrets and dreams and plans
And listened to eachothers breathing and teased
Giggling
I could not stop smiling because it felt like the beginning of everything
I never knew to hope for
Of what life was meant to be like.

And he sent out three words
emissaries in the dark that held in them
A promise and a prison and hope and a tremor of uncertainty
Their weightlessness took my breath away.

There was a boy who left behind so many empty spaces
and I knew through him how awful and lonely this world can be
Before I didn't know any better
How do you thank someone for a lesson that cannot be unlearned?

This is a new place
She noted that as she looked around
A place she knew nothing about
That knew nothing of her
A new place, its nature still unknown
surface unscratched
secrets unsold.

This new place seemed impossible
When judged from the cusp of
the old
The place she thought she once knew
(truth be told- already fading)
That she hoped knew something of her
(truth be told- seems unlikely)
The chasm between the old and new is where she stood poised
For a long while
deciding- to leap or surrender
The old place was no place for the living
The new place was no place for you
And so suspended- she toyed with both
static, stasis, stuck
Apologising over and over to ghosts
who have abandoned the language of forgiveness
who refuse to negotiate
A thousand? she offers-
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry for letting go- for contemplating jumping
for being seduced my momentum.
For waking up every morning to find a new little piece lost
The specifics of a smell- underneath the cologne, the toothpaste
the deoderant
What was that underneath smell?

She knows with a terrible certainty that even on the cusp
things are lost- piece by piece blown over the edge
This is how entire mountains are lost
Deserts shifted
sorry sorry sorry sorry
"They do not respond
which must mean, hang on, keep trying, keep paying" she reasons.
sorry sorry sorry sorry
In truth no one is listening- no one is there
and the ghosts that offer no replies
have moved by their own waves to their own new place.

"Given the impossibility of truly hanging on to things
The new place isn't good or bad- just new
And further away from you"
she jumps
And lands on her feet
(which is a pleasant surprise)
In a new place.

The taste of metal fills my mouth

It starts in the back of my throat and creeps forward,

Someday is closer today than it ever has been

As I waited for the big bang that signalled the beginning

I missed the chequered flag

My life may have started without me.

I was young

I didn't feel my dreams turn into compromise

turn into excuses

turned to delusions

I didn't feel the point where my studied cynicism

turned into actual cynicism

turned into genuine jadedness

Stopped being cool

Made me cold

I look around and all my promise

has turned to shit

And every year I am less and less

of what I was supposed to be.

part 14

Over the next month Jason and I fall into a routine. I drive us to school, we go to class, we have lunch with Brett, Eli and Hannah and after school I drive us to a secluded spot that Eli told me about and we make out for a couple of hours before heading home to start on our homework. On Wednesday and Friday I practice with Eli and on Saturdays we go to the skate park and try out tricks. The weeks fly by and before I know it I have been living in Everwood for six weeks. Everyday it gets easier but the key is routine. Luckily Marcia has always been a control freak so the house runs smoothly powered by lists and rotas. We haven't spoken about our parent's since the night she broke down- we talk about everything else though; school, what we ate and boys. Marcia started dating the deputy sheriff Mark. He is sweet and good looking in an extremely conventional sense but he is a small town boy in every good and bad sense and I wonder how long he will be able to hold my sister's attention. Although judging from the very loud noises from her bedroom and the spring in her step the next morning there are other factors at play. I've been thinking about sex a lot. Everything feels so distant nowadays. I'm terrified to engage with my life because there are so many uncontrollable elements. Making out with Jason connects us but in small controlled doses. Sex seems like the perfect way to just feel something good and up the dosage. I find it a bit tricky to rationalise away the huge holes in my theory so I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I'm more sure. It is really hard to control myself when we are hot and heavy in the car.

It starts to snow. Winter comes on hard and fast in Colorado. One week in and it seems like it has always been this cold and will always be this cold. The Londoner in me knows there isn't a point in complaining at least winter here has a romantic ferocity to it. It beats dreary grey. Jason would beg to differ. He sits on my bed on a snowy Friday afternoon complaining about his brother as we listen to music.

"I'm going to stop you right there grumpy pants" I sigh covering his mouth and stopping him mid sentence "We both know you are annoyed because we can't skateboard today and because of what happened yesterday. It wasn't bad, hardly anyone saw and no one laughed so just chill out and enjoy the fact that we are warm and toasty indoors, Eli has detention and it is perfect make out weather" I lean in close initiating a kiss but he stiffens and pulls away.

"No one laughed because they felt sorry for me" he grumbles. I pause before I reply kicking myself for bringing it up.

"No one laughed because it wasn't funny. A dumb kid intentionally ignores the wet floor sign slips and lands on his bum in the middle of the hallway; that is funny. You can't see the sign so the element of wilful stupidity is gone and it stops being funny. You throw the comedic formula off balance." I explain animatedly.

"That isn't all there is to it and you know it"

"Maybe not entirely but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've fallen, right? It probably won't be the last and now that you're mainstreaming there might always be someone to watch again, probably..." I trail off.

"So I should just get over it?" He asks cocking his eyebrow and leaning against me. The heat of his body against mine makes me wish we could stop talking.

"Your words but yes. You should." I can tell he has softened so I try again for the kiss. He returns it briefly before pushing me away. He keeps his hands on my shoulder before finding my face and cupping both his hands around it. I hate it when he does this. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

"What? I hate to be an ass but you are giving me serious blue balls here" I joke appropriating the Brett's crude frat boy lingo.

"Do you want to go out? On a date. On Saturday?"

"A date? Don't you think we are kind of past that?" I smile suggestively.

"I've been thinking about it and this has been fun but I don't want to be friends with benefits with you. I want to be with you. In a couple. As the boyfriend. This could really be something."

"I thought you weren't ready?"

"I am now" He replies quietly determined.

My heart is thumping in my chest. I know that if I say yes I am saying yes to a lot more than a date. I am scared shitless of what "more" might entail. Jason dropped his hands from my face and is fiddling with them on his lap as he waits for a response. I realize that as uncomfortable as I am with feeling that vulnerable I hate it even more when he stops. A random memory pops into my head my Dad said that falling in love with my Mother after his first wife left him was one of the most scary things he had ever done and when I asked why he did it he told me that not being with her was more terrifying.

"I'd like that" I clear my throat hoping he didn't hear the catch in my voice. I know he did though. He smiles sweetly finding my face and instead of kissing me he just rests his nose against mine. I smile because of what a strange thing it is to do. After a beat I kiss his nose and move away laughing.

"Okay well I'll leave on that high note. See you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7" He says as he finds his cane and backpack preparing to leave.

"You'll pick me up?"

"Just be ready by 7" he laughs as he heads out the door. I stop myself from offering to guide him to his house. He gets extremely annoyed when people don't trust him to know what he can handle. Still I watch him navigate the stairs from my bedroom trying to be stealthy. I know I am busted when he at the bottom of the stairs he turns his gaze upwards and sighs melodramatically "If you're going to spy you may as well take me home. I'll probably need some help with the snow."

part 13

The most awful thing about drinking is that just when you have the perfect buzz going and nothing seems to matter and everything is hilarious you are periliously close to tipping over into ugly, sloppy, way too honest and slutty drunk. My head is swimming. We met up with Brett and Eli at Nina's. Brett was showing off his new fake ID which he took for a spin at a local convenience store. I paid for the booze so we were able to afford quite a bit. Brett's sister Amy met up with us and we headed to Eli's basement. Someone put on some music and I began to hand out shots of tequila. Although I have probably been drinking a lot more than these guys because of England's much laxer attitudes toward alcohol I am not what anyone would consider a heavy weight and four shots in I am grinding against Amy without a care in the world. The boys are being lame and not dancing so we are having our own party passing the bottle between us. Brett is staring intently at me and I move my body in response to his gaze getting a high off of his attention and the fact that the boy I do like is in the corner jamming with Eli. He plays the drums while Eli messes around with a jazz riff on the piano. Bored with Brett's attention I stumble over to Jase placing myself awkwardly on his lap and laying my head in the crook of his shoulder trying to supress a booze belch. Jase runs his hands through my hair "Someone's a little drunk" he cooes sympathetically. "Will you take me outside please Jase?" I can feel myself starting to cry and I don't want to freak anyone out. Luckily his drunken confidence means he doesn't think too hard about the logistics of my request before acquiescing. Between us we manage to stumble out of the basement and into the cool air. I breathe in deeply willing the cool air into my flustered brain. Jase is standing uncertainly by the door with his hand on the door frame. We stand there in silence as I sober up. "I think I should get you home- it isn't too far to walk from here. I'll come back for my car tomorrow" I suggest. He is visibly relieved that I have come up with a plan. We grab our coats shouting quick good byes in the direction of the basement and set off into the cool night. The sound of Jase's cane clicking against the pavement punctuates our footsteps. A wave of nausea crashes over me and I dry heave into the bushes. After a while some vomit actually comes out and once my stomach is empty I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt not caring how disgusting it is. Jase hands me his handkerchief and I thank him for it. We find his house and I drop him off wishing him luck with facing his Mother and promising to be there to take him to school. I get home and rip off all my clothes and crawl into bed. I lie in the darkness and realise that I feel completely hollow- there is the dull constant ache for my parents but beyond that nothing. It is completely terrifying and it takes me a while to fall asleep.

I finally get up properly at 2pm after kicking Marcia out of my room twice when she tried to get me to go work out with her or to go shopping with her. I finally force myself up- my head is pounding and I have a wicked case of heartburn but I feel so low that I know it is more than that. I almost head back to bed until I remember that I have to pick up my car. I call Eli to let him know that I am on my way. I shower and get dressed quickly grimacing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Eli answers the door in his boxers and we chat briefly before I leave him to deal with his own hangover. He spills that Brett invited over some girls after we left and hooked up with one of them. He admits it sheepishly searching my face for a reaction.I don't care and I can't muster the strength to pretend instead I tell him Brett and I aren't exclusive. He fills me in on the fuzzy moments of the night before and I laugh even though it isn't funny. His stories make me realize that Jason must be more angry with me than I remember. Once in the car I head over to Jase's house. I spend ten minutes steadying myself before I head in and knock on the front door.He invites me in. I make a weak joke about being wasted and he doesn't even crack a smile. I decide to be upfront "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more helpful last night. You were crying and trashed and I couldn't even figure out how to get us home. Most of the time I can convince myself that I'm normal but something happens to remind me of how much it matters."

"I'm sorry I got drunk. I thought it would help." Before I can stop myself the flood gates open and I am racked with sobs. I can't stop. I cry until my stomach cramps and my throat is dry. Jase just holds me- close and tight. When I am finally done he gives me a final squeeze before suggesting we got for a walk. Once outside he hugs me close to his side. It makes guiding him awkward but I don't mind. We walk in silence for 10 minutes before he asks me gently if I want to talk about it.

"I hadn't cried for them until then. I was so afraid that if I started I would never stop. I'm so angry.Everything I have felt since they died has been tainted with sadness. I'm so scared it will always be like that but I am even more terrified that it will stop and they will just fade away."

His hand reaches up and he finds my face cupping it in both his hands gently before leaning in and giving me the best kiss of my life. I feel the kiss everywhere- the world goes quiet but every sensation in my body is heightened. My heart fills up so fast it hurts but I am at peace. I return the kiss tentatively at first but then I deepen it. It is something to hold on to.