part 14

Over the next month Jason and I fall into a routine. I drive us to school, we go to class, we have lunch with Brett, Eli and Hannah and after school I drive us to a secluded spot that Eli told me about and we make out for a couple of hours before heading home to start on our homework. On Wednesday and Friday I practice with Eli and on Saturdays we go to the skate park and try out tricks. The weeks fly by and before I know it I have been living in Everwood for six weeks. Everyday it gets easier but the key is routine. Luckily Marcia has always been a control freak so the house runs smoothly powered by lists and rotas. We haven't spoken about our parent's since the night she broke down- we talk about everything else though; school, what we ate and boys. Marcia started dating the deputy sheriff Mark. He is sweet and good looking in an extremely conventional sense but he is a small town boy in every good and bad sense and I wonder how long he will be able to hold my sister's attention. Although judging from the very loud noises from her bedroom and the spring in her step the next morning there are other factors at play. I've been thinking about sex a lot. Everything feels so distant nowadays. I'm terrified to engage with my life because there are so many uncontrollable elements. Making out with Jason connects us but in small controlled doses. Sex seems like the perfect way to just feel something good and up the dosage. I find it a bit tricky to rationalise away the huge holes in my theory so I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I'm more sure. It is really hard to control myself when we are hot and heavy in the car.

It starts to snow. Winter comes on hard and fast in Colorado. One week in and it seems like it has always been this cold and will always be this cold. The Londoner in me knows there isn't a point in complaining at least winter here has a romantic ferocity to it. It beats dreary grey. Jason would beg to differ. He sits on my bed on a snowy Friday afternoon complaining about his brother as we listen to music.

"I'm going to stop you right there grumpy pants" I sigh covering his mouth and stopping him mid sentence "We both know you are annoyed because we can't skateboard today and because of what happened yesterday. It wasn't bad, hardly anyone saw and no one laughed so just chill out and enjoy the fact that we are warm and toasty indoors, Eli has detention and it is perfect make out weather" I lean in close initiating a kiss but he stiffens and pulls away.

"No one laughed because they felt sorry for me" he grumbles. I pause before I reply kicking myself for bringing it up.

"No one laughed because it wasn't funny. A dumb kid intentionally ignores the wet floor sign slips and lands on his bum in the middle of the hallway; that is funny. You can't see the sign so the element of wilful stupidity is gone and it stops being funny. You throw the comedic formula off balance." I explain animatedly.

"That isn't all there is to it and you know it"

"Maybe not entirely but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've fallen, right? It probably won't be the last and now that you're mainstreaming there might always be someone to watch again, probably..." I trail off.

"So I should just get over it?" He asks cocking his eyebrow and leaning against me. The heat of his body against mine makes me wish we could stop talking.

"Your words but yes. You should." I can tell he has softened so I try again for the kiss. He returns it briefly before pushing me away. He keeps his hands on my shoulder before finding my face and cupping both his hands around it. I hate it when he does this. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

"What? I hate to be an ass but you are giving me serious blue balls here" I joke appropriating the Brett's crude frat boy lingo.

"Do you want to go out? On a date. On Saturday?"

"A date? Don't you think we are kind of past that?" I smile suggestively.

"I've been thinking about it and this has been fun but I don't want to be friends with benefits with you. I want to be with you. In a couple. As the boyfriend. This could really be something."

"I thought you weren't ready?"

"I am now" He replies quietly determined.

My heart is thumping in my chest. I know that if I say yes I am saying yes to a lot more than a date. I am scared shitless of what "more" might entail. Jason dropped his hands from my face and is fiddling with them on his lap as he waits for a response. I realize that as uncomfortable as I am with feeling that vulnerable I hate it even more when he stops. A random memory pops into my head my Dad said that falling in love with my Mother after his first wife left him was one of the most scary things he had ever done and when I asked why he did it he told me that not being with her was more terrifying.

"I'd like that" I clear my throat hoping he didn't hear the catch in my voice. I know he did though. He smiles sweetly finding my face and instead of kissing me he just rests his nose against mine. I smile because of what a strange thing it is to do. After a beat I kiss his nose and move away laughing.

"Okay well I'll leave on that high note. See you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7" He says as he finds his cane and backpack preparing to leave.

"You'll pick me up?"

"Just be ready by 7" he laughs as he heads out the door. I stop myself from offering to guide him to his house. He gets extremely annoyed when people don't trust him to know what he can handle. Still I watch him navigate the stairs from my bedroom trying to be stealthy. I know I am busted when he at the bottom of the stairs he turns his gaze upwards and sighs melodramatically "If you're going to spy you may as well take me home. I'll probably need some help with the snow."