Part 23

I pull up the sleeves on Jase's letterman jacket as I approach my locker. The thing is huge on me but the dumb grin he wore on his face as he pulled it on me this morning is going to be worth shoving the sleeves up all day at school. Only steady girlfriends get to wear the jackets on the day of a pep rally. I smile at Hannah who is waiting at my locker. Jase's jacket is a little big for me but poor Hannah is absolutely drowning in Brett's jacket. I try, and fail, to stifle my mirth.
"I know. I look ridiculous" She sighs.
"We both look ridiculous"
"No. I look ridiculous. You are almost puling it off. How do you look so good all the time?"
"A natural gift" I say sardonically swinging my imaginary hair.
Hannah laughs "Before you get a big head I said you almost pulled it off"
"Ready to go cheer on her boys?" Her voice is falsely cheery.
"So you don't like Mackenzie?" I ask throwing some stuff into my locker. Hannah pursed her lips so tight when she first met Brett's spirit aide they disappeared.
"No. I do not like Mackenzie at all and she is flirting with Brett and Brett thinks I am being unreasonable but she is a cheerleader, Aisha. And we all know what that means?"
"We really don't" Aisha jokes but swallows hard to fight a dizzy spell and rising nausea.
"It means she is hell bent on stealing my man is what it means" Hannah says seriously as we walk to the quad where the pep rally is going to be held.
"Yeah well what can we do? Without seeming like jealous bitches completely devoid of school spirit?" I ask.
She sighs.
"Who is a jealous bitch completely devoid of school spirit?" Eli asks as he rounds a corner to join his friends. He notes how tired Aisha looks and quietly takes her tote off her shoulder. She throws him a grateful smile.
"We are just plotting how to get rid of the spirit aides" Hannah says.
"Easy. Send them my way. I will happily take them off your hands" He rubs his hands gleefully.
Hannah smacks him.
They arrive in the quad and everything was decorated festively. The marching band was standing ready to begin and almost the entire student population was chatting in the quad waiting for it to start.
"Oh hey Aisha!" Taylor yelled as she bounded over "How are you today? Did you see the Vampire diaries last night?" She asks cheerfully.
I told her I am going to watch it tonight. We schedule a time to chat about it and I introduce her to Hannah who turns to me with a raised eyebrow when Taylor bounds away to join the other cheerleaders.
"What was that about?" She asks almost accusingly.
"I figure if we are friends she might not be inclined to..."
"Seduce Jase?"
I nod shamefaced.
"I like it when you are as petty and jealous as I am" She laughs.
"I can't help it. Her hair is just so shiny".
Our conversation is interrupted by the Coach standing at the podium. He says some stuff about how amazing our team is and everybody cheers. I watch Jase standing up there laughing at something Brett just whispered in his ear. Brett catches my eye and waves at me and Hannah. We wave back. He whispers something to Jase and he waves at us. Kind of.
I am feeling terrible as I stand there but I swallow again and focus on Jase. The next fifteen minutes drags on for an eternity and I need to sit down.
"Are you okay?" Hannah asks as I try to discreetly move out of the crowd and sit on something.
No, I have cancer I cannot help but think. Instead of saying that I smile and mime that I am finding somewhere to sit.
And I find somewhere to sit. And I focus on my breathing and not passing out or throwing up until it is over.
Brett brings Jase over and then runs off with Hannah.
"Are you okay?" Jase's face crumples with concern.
"No. I don't think I can drive. I'm sorry"
He squeezes my hand "Don't worry about it. I'll call my Mum"
And he does but Eli comes over and offers to drive us home. They drop me off and everything hurts and I am exhausted and tired of being sick. And then I fall asleep.
I don't get up the next day. No one bothers me. I stay in bed and watch old episodes of the OC on my laptop in between naps. I think about my parents.
I get up the next day but I don't go to school. I wander from room to room in the house. I take two showers. I paint my toenails. Marcia comes to pick me up for chemo and I get in the car wordlessly. She says things to me and I make all the right noises in response. I can't really hear her.
"Hey" Zach approaches me as we walk into the facility.
"Hey" I say as I walk into the room where I am usually set up. I sit down, remove the feeder tube for my catheter and lean back prepared to take a nap.
"You look tired" Zach notes as he enters the room.
"Cancer will do that to you" I answer wearily.
"You had cancer last week and you were fine. You've just hit a wall"
"What do you know about it?"
"I've been here a while, watched a lot of patients come and go. It's just a rough patch"
"Oh okay then" I say with mock relief.
"Lets go sit in the garden..It'll make you feel better"
I still feel awful but the garden is beautiful and as annoying as he is; Zach is absolutely right. It's a rough patch and I need to actively try to make it a little better.
I follow him using the pole to support myself. We get to the garden and sit in silence for a little bit.
"Still bummed out?" He asks.
"Yeah. I mean, the garden is nice but not that nice"
"I know some knock-knock jokes?" He suggests.
I scoff.
"Knock knock" He begins.
"Who's there?" I acquiesce pulling my robe around me.
"Cash"
"Cash who?"
"No thanks, but I would like a peanut." He finishes smirking in my direction.
I chuckle.
"Knock knock" He begins again
"Who's there?"
"Thermos"
"Thermos who?"
"Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this"
Another chuckle.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Howl"
"Howl who?"
"Howl you know unless you open the door?"
"Moron" I say but I am laughing.
He smiles with satisfaction and I realize that he has done it. I am cheered up.
"Why are you here anyway?" I ask him.
"What do you mean?" He asks shifting uncomfortably and pretending to be obtuse.
"Are you dying? Coalescing? Re-habing? What?" I ask bluntly.
"That was blunt"
"Stop evading"
"Fine. It's complicated but basically my parents don't want me. Which makes me not want them so its just simpler this way"
"Simpler is living in an institution full of sick dying people? With no one your own age? And not going to school? Has your family never heard of boarding school?"
He laughs.
"Actually that was the idea I was waiting here before heading off and this just became semi-permanent. I like it here."
"Really?"
"I came out and they are not speaking to me so I kinda feel like I am lucky to have anywhere to live. They pay for this place. They pay for this place and my tutor.." He trails off.
"They're not de-gayifying you here. Are they?" I ask horrified.
"No. Just babysitting" He laughs.
"You should come to school. To our school" I suggest.
"It's kinda far" He reasons.
"You could take the bus."
"This afternoon was supposed to be about you" He laughs.
"Okay. We can talk about me"
"How is school?"
"Fine. Jase has some girl with freaking perfect hair following him around now. Its whatever"
"Isn't he blind? What does he care about her hair?" He sounds legitimately confused.
"He doesn't. It's just this constant reminder that he has enough on his plate. He doesn't need me. He needs simple; like Taylor."
"I think he decides what he needs."
"Which would be fine if I wasn't so invested in something outside of my control."
"Yeah" He agrees.
"Are you in a relationship?" I ask.
"We are talking about you."
"Okay. We've been together 2 months."
"Is that something people celebrate?"
"It's my longest relationship."
"Then you should celebrate." He says simply.
The conversation meanders from there. We talk about music, boys and I tell him more about my school. We watch the birds on the bird feeder and the time passes quickly. A nurse's aide comes to get me and I am unplugged and I chat with Dudders on the way home. And I am still sick but I think that I am going to be okay.

Part 22

I am startled out of a daydream by a deep voice. I quickly pull out my headphones and turn to face the speaker.

"Excuse me?"

"Having cancer does not give you the right to steal my book?" He repeats gesturing to the book in my lap.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I thought it was a communal book.." I start to hand it back.

"No it's cool. Do you like it so far?" Since he is trying to engage in conversation I focus on the guy talking to me. His green eyes dance mischievously and his tone is teasing.

"To be honest I forgot my book at home and I just kind of wanted Trish to leave me alone for a bit"

"Am I bothering you?" He asks in a straightforward tone that I admire.

"No" I decide after considering it for a moment "I'm Aisha" I introduce myself.

"I'm Zach". He moves forward slightly to shake my hand. It is only then that I notice the wheelchair.

"I've actually heard a lot about you from the nurses. They think we should be friends." He smiles.

"Really? Let me guess, because we are the two youngest people here?"

"I think they are hoping you will rub off on me. You are such a model patient. Always on time, unfailingly polite and you bribe them"

"You have heard a lot" I observe.

"I'm here every week and we rarely get teenagers," He notes leaning back in his chair.

"Lucky me" I laugh hollowly.

"Are you nearly done?" He asks.

I check my watch before answering "Another hour or so".

"That IV pole is portable. Do you want to see something cool?"

"It isn't your balls is it?"

"I could whip those out right here. Also, I'm very fond of them but I wouldn't describe them, you know, objectively as cool" He laughs already pulling away from the recliner I am sitting in.

I ask myself 'why not?' fully prepared to come up with a list. Nothing comes to mind. I get up and follow Zach.

We make our way in silence. He knows how to avoid the nurses and staff. He leads me down a corridor that has rooms.

"I didn't know there was in-patient?" I ask.

"There isn't. It's a convalescent home/ hospice/ long term care centre" He explains.

"Where are we going?"

"My room"

He abruptly turns a corner and we are there. I peek my head in cautiously. His room is too well designed to be a serial murderers den. The minimalist furniture and bright manga style prints covering the wall would not have been out of place in any city teenager's bedroom. The only give away is the hospital bed (covered in a bright red duvet). I move to the sliding doors that open out on to a beautiful garden.

"Oh wow. This is so pretty." I exclaim.

"I'll be sure to tell John. He's the gardener. This is what I wanted to show you" He beckons me from his spot near the computer "You can sit over there" He gestures to a second wheelchair. I sit down and turn to him expectantly.

He turns on his computer selects a file and presses play. The room is filled with the mournful opening strains of a Death Cab for Cutie song. The animation begins with a mouse running through a maze. He struggles to find his way through it but when he gets to the other side he seems even more lost. He turns around and re-enters the maze.

"Did you do that?" I ask awed.

"Yeah. What did you think?"

"You are so talented. Not very optimistic though"

He blushes

"Good thing I am not in a very shiny happy space either" I laugh.

"Then I'll take it as a compliment"

"Do you have any others?"

We are interrupted by the sound of my name being shouted down the corridor.

"I'd better go," I sigh as I reach for his pad and write down my email address.

"What's this for?" He asks when I hand him the pad.

"So you can email me the rest of your videos or find me on facebook or something," I explain.

He smiles "How about we just hang out the next time you're here? As you can tell, I spend a lot of time here" He gestures to his room.

I wave at him and he waves back.

Trish is waiting for me at the end of the corridor.

"I see you met Zach" She smiles "He's been asking about you since you started"

"He seems cool"

"He is a such a sweet boy"

She unplugs me and checks my mouth for sores before escorting me to the taxi that is waiting for me. Marcia and Dudders had to work and it wasn't enough notice to ask one of our neighbours.

When I get home I am surprised to find the door open. I am even more surprised to find Jase's Mum in the kitchen doing the dishes.

"Hi Tina" I greet her as I walk in "What are you doing here?"

"Oh Hi sweetie!" She rinses her hands and turns to give me a big hug "Let's get you set up on the couch"

Before I can get another word out she has ushered me over to the couch and set me up with my medicine, a glass of water and a blanket.

"I met Marcia on her way to work. So silly of you guys not to ask one of us to come get you. Anyway, I told her I would come check up on you" She explains when she sees my puzzled expression.

"Thanks" I say leaning back on the cushions and closing my eyes "I'm sorry I won't be great company"

She smiles and heads back to the kitchen. I wake up to the smell of chicken grilling. At any other time this smell would be delicious and enticing. Instead it sends me hobbling unsteadily to the bathroom.

"Sweetie are you okay?" Tina yells through the door which, thankfully, I had the presence of mind to lock.

"I'm fine. I'm just going to hang out in here for a bit and make sure it's all gone" I assure her.

"Marcia called while you were napping. She wanted to go for dinner with Tom but she said to call her if you got sick.." Tina trails off.

"No. Don't call her. Her and Tom need a night out without me ruining everything. I'll be fine"
"Okay" She sounds dubious "Jase wanted to know if he could come over for a bit and say hi"

"Of course he can. In like half an hour though.."

She agrees. In ten minutes I head to my room where it doesn't smell of food. I put on my seasickness bands and pop in the downton abbey DVD my Dudders brought over with him.

Tina pops her head in and asks if I want anything. When she brings me back my ginger ale she gets engrossed in the show and pulls up a chair. We are both speculating about the first episode before moving on to the second one when the doorbell rings.

When Tina comes back she has Jase with her. He doesn't seem too keen on being supervised by his Mother so she leaves us alone. I direct him to the bed and he leans over and kisses me before kicking off his shoes and joining me.

"You are getting way too skinny" He observes when he puts his arms around me.

"I know. I am going to pig out when chemo is over and gain it all back"

"I can't wait"

"Are you sure? I am going to go hard. It's going to be disgusting"

"I promise I won't look"

"So how was school today?" I ask.

"Pretty lame. There was this thing that they served for dinner that tasted like beef fish but they made the announcement about the wrestling meet so I was a bit of a hero for a while there"

"Any girls I need to deal with when I get back?"

He laughs.

"How was chemo?"

"Pretty lame, but I met a guy Zach who lives there. He's pretty cool and he is our age so at least I have company"
"Do I need to deal with him?" He asks.
"My boyfriend's a hot shot wrestler now and he is going to let me wear his letterman jacket into school tomorrow so everyone knows we are going steady. And on Saturday I'm going to watch him writhe around on the floor panting and sweating with some other dude. I'm a lucky girl. And just as soon as we can get the dowry money together he is going to marry me Pa I know he is" I smile teasing him gently.
He groans, "I thought we agreed about the American accent?" He jokes.
"I think you should wear my jacket tomorrow" He says seriously.
"Why? It'll be huge on me" I note.
"Because I love you and it's what people our age do right? When they are in love? I want everyone to know that you are my girl" He says.
He has been doing this lately. Even though I am doing okay all things considering he still gets serious on me at the slightest provocation.
"Everyone knows I'm your girlfriend. I think the fact that we are always together and the borderline inappropriate touching tipped them off. I'd love to wear your jacket, it smells like you. I love the way you smell" My voice gets deep and I snuggle into him.
He smiles.
"I love your smile" As I pull in for a kiss "I love your eyes" I say as I break the kiss long enough to take off his sunglasses "I love the way your skin looks against mine" I kiss him again. This time he breaks the kiss.
He turns away and clears his throat but not before I catch the hurt expression on his face. I realize what I just said.
"Jase. Babe, I am so sorry" I say. I cannot believe I could have been that insensitive.
"No. Don't be. I'm being really stupid. It's just.." He pauses looking like he might change his mind before sighing and continuing "the guys at practice were talking about you the other day, you know, how you look. Apparently you are really hot stuff at our school" He smiles before continuing.
"I didn't even know who it was until they got to the accent. I had no idea if it was you. I had a dream I could see and I couldn't recognize anyone. I was lost in this sea of faces of people I should have known. It was weird.... " He trails off.
"When I was a kid I was really afraid that I was ugly. That everyone knew how ugly I was except for me. I thought I'd only dreamed what I remembered I looked like and I was hideous."
"I don't suppose that face touching stuff from TV works?" I ask.
"No" He laughs.
"It's just one thing. It's the surface. You know parts of me that those guys will never get close to" I can't resist I press my chest against his and then graze my breasts lightly across his chest, smiling at his wide eyed reaction.
"You are not ugly. Trust me. I'm shallow." I say pulling him in for a kiss. He deepens it this time. Pulling me in roughly. I let out a whimper of pleasure. He has been so gentle with me since I got sick. He pushes me back on the bed and I bite back a groan when my catheter tugs uncomfortably. His hand snakes down my pants and I am surprised, but not unpleasantly. He takes me to a place where I don't think about anything at all, just feel. It is all sensation. It is  jarring but almost a relief when it is over and I return to myself. I reach over and push him back on to the cushions wanting to wipe that self satisfied smirk off his face. When my mouth connects with him I look up and watch his eyes widen with surprise. His facial expressions are almost comical and when he grabs the sheets and groans I almost laugh.

When we are finished we just lie there together for a bit. None of us were really expecting that to happen but I feel glad that it did. I feel warm and giddy and incredibly powerful. I didn't know I could do that to him. Almost immediately I want to do it again so I can memorize every little shift in his expression and the bloom as his face flushes. His Mum calls and reminds him that he has school the next day and his head pops up. He jumps of the bed and does up his fly before trying to smooth down his hair.
"Why bother? Your expression is like a dead give-away. She is going to be able to tell right away" I tease.
"Then you should think of a story for why you corrupted her little angel."
I throw a pillow at him.
It just sets us off again.
He leaves half an hour later.

The next day at school Ms. Dawes who is the English teacher and supervises the school paper asks me to stay after and see her at the beginning of the lesson. I run a quick mental inventory of all my actions to make sure that I haven't done anything wrong; even though I am pretty sure I haven't. Mrs. Dawes has the look of someone who is incredibly together. She is something of a legend in school so I know that she lives with her boyfriend who is a photography teacher and ski instructor and I know that she is writing a book but there is also the stuff you can tell just by looking at her. She is the kind of person who has never ever worn chipped nail polish. Her vintage shirt is perfectly ironed and her bangs fall just so. I bet she has a lifestyle blog. I think she is amazing but I don't have her for English so we've never really talked.
"Aisha- thanks for staying. I wanted to say that I think your writing for the paper has been really good. I know it is a crazy time for you but I had a challenge I thought you would enjoy" She starts without preamble. She heads to her desk and pulls out a flyer and hands it to me.
"The University is sponsoring a short story competition for local high schools. I thought you might like to enter?"
"Can I think about it?" I ask
"Sure but both Mr. Eckles and I agree that you need an opportunity to really push your writing. Think about it and get back to me"

As I head out to meet Jase I can't help but feel incredibly flattered by my teachers confidence in me. I don't know if I am going to do it but I feel really lucky that they asked. I am surprised to see Jase being lead by a girl that I don't know. She is wearing a cheerleaders uniform and her head is tilted as she listens to what he says and laughs dramatically. I know that laugh. I paste on a smile and wave at them.
"Are you Jase's ride?" She asks me seriously as if she is handing over a young child to a taxi driver. Instead of trying to figure out who this is more insulting to I move in and kiss Jase on the cheek. His arms wrap around me instinctively and his head sinks into my shoulder.
"Coach was brutal today!" He groans theatrically.
I almost feel bad as I watch her try to keep her facial expression neutral.
"Hi. I'm Aisha" I smile as Jase breaks our hug only to find my hand and hold it.
"Hi. I'm Taylor" She smiles. She also flicks back her impressive mane of brown hair. Damn her, I think, feeling very bald and then very petty and small.
"Where are my manners? Taylor this is Aisha, my girlfriend. Aisha this is Taylor- she is my spirit aide" He smirks slightly as he says it.
"Spirit aide?" I ask.
"The cheerleaders are assigned to members of the varsity squad- to cheer them on" Taylor explains.
"You made varsity!?" I exclaim excitedly.
"I did" Jase laughs.
I pull him in for a kiss. I cannot help but make it extra passionate and gross. To send a message to Taylor. In my defence, I am not proud of my behaviour. I'm not sure when she walks away but when I come up for air she is gone.
"Jeez. Can I get my tonsils back?" He jokes.
"How are we celebrating?" I ask.
"Seriously. What was that about? Are you jealous of my spirit aide?"
"A little. She made me feel follicular-ly challenged" I admit.
Jase laughs.
"It's not funny" I pout but after a while I relent and laugh with him.
Although I know I am being paranoid I send Taylor a facebook friend request that night. Enemies closer and all that.

Part 21

"So I never really got the chance to apologise for all the stuff that went on between us," Brett says.

In an awkward twist to Sunday morning breakfast Eli and Jase are both running late. Brett and I exchanged two minutes of small talk before lapsing into awkward silence. And now this. I am careful not to sigh as I raise my head from my phone to listen to him.

"What stuff?" I ask, mildly curious.

"I know you know that I hooked up with those girls that night. I was too embarrassed to face you so I didn't ask you out again. But you were still friends with me after that. And Hannah told me that you really helped her say yes to going out with me. I was kind of a jerk to you and I'm sorry. Also, thank you" He says. It is not clear who is more uncomfortable in this moment.

"Brett you don't have to apologise. For anything. We had fun. We went on one date and you were really sweet. I just took you hooking up with someone else as a sign that we are much better off being friends. And we are. Hannah really likes you though. You are serious about her?" I ask.

"I really like her. More than I've ever liked anyone. No offence" He adds as a quick afterthought.

"None taken. I really like Jase so everything worked out. Did you talk to Hannah about yesterday? She didn't answer the phone when I called. What is going on?"

"Um. She's fine. Just tired. She's really busy and tired. With school stuff" He explains staring intently at his coffee.

"You are such a bad liar. Is she mad at me for not telling her sooner? Because I only just found out.."

"It's not that and I can't tell you. You should just talk to her." He insists.

I decide to drop it. Damn him for being such a good boyfriend. Brett shows me a video he took of me skateboarding at the park. We chat easily until Eli and Jase turn up. My heart flutters when Jase walks into the room his brow is slightly furrowed as he concentrates on both listening to Eli and orienting himself in the cafe. I think it is unbelievable that I can see someone everyday and still have the sight of him awe me, however momentarily. Love, as far as I can tell, fill every day with ordinary magic. Or something.

"So are you nervous about tomorrow?" Jase asks. The plates have been cleared and we are contemplating ordering another round of coffee or moving to Eli's house to play rock band.

"Not really. I'm just going to tell Dr. Brown and Dr. Katz my decision and get some blood work done I think. I shouldn't start treatment until later. Maybe the end of this week?" I shrug.

Jase shudders visibly.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" I ask jokingly nudging him and smiling at the others who noticed his shudder.

"Kind of", I can tell he wants to say more but I assume he just doesn't want to do it in front of everyone.

The rest of our Sunday passes quickly. We hang out and don't talk about cancer or the fact that Hannah isn't there or the fact that my boyfriend flinches whenever anyone mentions the up coming week.

I barely sleep and it seems like hours before Monday morning arrives. My brain feels like it has been scrubbed with a wire brush and I do not look good. I am beginning the transition from normal teenage girl to cancer patient, I think grimly. Today my skin looks dry even though it is moisturised and my hair is lank. Clearly my body feels the need to cement its betrayal. Marcia and I make small talk over breakfast and then ride over to the hospital. She made breakfast and I can tell she didn't sleep either. Dudders' drives.

There are a tonne of decisions to make and a lot of paperwork to fill. While Marcia is doing this I am sent to radiation to get my PICC line placed. I get a local anaesthetic and it is really uncomfortable going in but the worst part is how it looks. The radiologist silently holds up a mirror to it before he begins explaining how to take care of it in the shower and that it will be in for 30 days max before it needs to be replaced.

We are in the hospital for so long arranging my chemo and radiation schedule that the anaesthetic begins to wear off and I begin to feel extremely uncomfortable around the insertion site of the catheter. Basically, I just want to rip the thing out and run. Remembering that I should be sharing my emotions I tap Marcia on the shoulder.

"Do you think I could rip this thing out and like outrun the cancer?" I ask.

She smiles wearily "Definitely worth exploring as a back up plan," She answers.

"I think I need to take a leave of absence for all this" She adds examining the schedule she has written into the calender of her Asprey organizer.

"No offence Marcia but I think that a long 3 months will be made even longer if we are around each other all the time. Besides, I'm still going to school so what will you do while I'm at school?" I ask.

"You're still going to school?" She asks incredulously.

"Durr. I could hack it the first time round I can do it now" I answer.

"Um. Okay. Just going to point out quickly that you will need someone to drive you to and from these appointments." She observes.

"Take the afternoon off or I will take a taxi. It's only 3 times a week. This pamphlet says maintaining a sense of normalcy is very important for the mental well being of the cancer patient- that's me." I say.

"Okay. We'll see" She concedes.

Dudders suggests that we grab a late lunch but the idea doesn't really gather any steam. We get home, I take a painkiller and sleep for 13 hours until the next morning.

I go into school for the morning. Marcia has already explained my situation to my headteacher. Which explains what happens in homeroom. Ordinarily I do not listen to the student announcements in the morning because I like to be surprised by what is available at lunch. Eli and I are talking about going to see a movie over the weekend when we both look up because the whole room has gone silent.

"Students, I would like to wish one of our own, Aisha Ogilvy,a speedy recovery. I am sure we will all be supportive as she copes with her cancer diagnosis. We love you Aisha" Trills the cheery voice pouring from the speakers. Everyone turns to stare at me including Eli who looks like he is holding back tears or laughter. I punch him when his spluttering confirms that it is laughter. Luckily the bell rings. Not so luckily the whole school heard the announcement and now everyone in the hallway is staring at me. As one of the few black people in the school, the only English person and the only girl dating the only blind guy at the school this is not an exaggeration. A few people walk up to me and mutter condolences. I smile and thank them. Suddenly I feel the need to be extremely upbeat and optimistic about my devastating diagnosis because what really matters is that these random people understand that it takes more than a few mutated cells to get me down. Cancer? No problem. Oh your cat died of cancer? I am so sorry for Mr. Whiskers but I am actually really excited to have cancer. This is a great opportunity for growth. I clap my hands together like I am ready to tackle any problem- especially those that begin with c and are currently riding around in my blood stream.

"I think you are overselling the cancer" Eli observes as we slowly make our way to our next class through the crowd.

My next tactic is to be self-effacing. This cancer is so not a big deal you guys. It's only like half as bad as it could be!

We make it to biology. Mr. Reid shakes my hand solemnly and wishes me luck with my treatment. His handshake it lingering and his head is tilted at nearly a 45 degree angle.

"I think I may die of shame before the cancer gets me" I whisper to Eli as I move to the seat he has saved for me. This only fuels the giggles he has had non stop since we left homeroom.

Needless to say it is a long morning so I am actually relieved to be heading out to my first chemotherapy appointment when Marcia pulls up. Instead of driving all the way to Denver and to the hospital we found a compromise; a care centre that serves as an outpatient rehab, dialysis, chemotherapy and radiation centre. It is just 45 minutes out of town. I open the car door and stride confidently into the centre and sign myself in. Marcia straggles behind me. The centre is comfortingly efficient. The nurse confirms a few things before leading me into a room filled with comfortable looking recliners with IV poles next to them. There is a middle aged man hooked up to a dialysis machine but apart from that the room is empty. He nods hello and I smile back. The nurse gives a quick run down of the potential side effects, introduces herself as Trish and asks me to get comfortable while she gets my meds.

"Is that chair as comfy as it looks?" Marcia asks as I settle into the recliner.

"It's pretty comfy," I answer as I root through my bag and lay out my supplies; a book- half of a yellow sun by Chimamanda Adiche, the latest copy of Vanity Fair and Hello and my IPod. Marcia does the same unpacking her Ipad so she can work while she waits.

Trish returns and sets everything up. As the meds trickle into my catheter I can't be sure if the shiver I feel is something to do with me or the medicine but it feels so unwanted as it slithers down I cannot help but shiver.

"Do you need a blanket, sweetie?" Trish asks.

"Maybe later Trish. Thank you" I answer a bit distracted by the skull and crossbones on the IV bag.

"Don't worry about that. It just means we have to be extra careful when we are handling it" She explains when she follows my glance to the IV bag.

She sits with us for the first half hour to make sure I am not going to have an allergic reaction. Apart from feeling chilly 5 minutes into it nothing happens. Marcia and I make small talk with Trish. She has two kids and her husband is in the military stationed in Afghanistan. They live with her mother who helps take care of the kids while she is at work. She loves the real housewives of Atlanta. Marcia and I discovered the real housewives a few weeks back on a quiet Sunday afternoon. We quickly decided that the show was the best thing that ever happened to us. Trish decides to share her Kim impression and we are both doubled over in laughter. We are both still giggling when she leaves us for the second half hour of treatment.

"So we haven't talked about Dudders?" I start settling back into the recliner.

"What about him?" Marcia asks feigning innocence.

"You guys are clearly back together. Is he moving here? Is he moving in?" I ask.

"I will let you know the second I know" Marcia replies.

"You guys haven't talked about it?" I am kind of shocked by this. Usually Marcia has to define a relationship and know exactly where it is going before she even says yes to a date.

"That Ray the policeman guy really changed you didn't he?" I ask referring to her casual hook up guy who I only really knew by his first name and a series of awkward kitchen encounters the morning after.

"Not really. I mean he knew the only thing I wanted from him was a bit of comfort. I've been meaning to talk to Dud but we've been kind of busy." She says looking pointedly at the IV bag.

"Do not blame this on the cancer. What is going on with you two?" I ask leaning forward to encourage her to answer.

"I don't know. I guess I don't want to have the talk because I like having him here and I don't want to hear why he screwed it up or think about the future. I just want to be in the present with him" She explains.

"Don't be such a chicken" I challenge her flicking her lightly. She smiles and flicks me back before returning to her magazine.

Back at home Marcia sets me up on the couch with a blanket and the remote which is nice, because I am freezing. The first night isn't that bad, considering. Jase calls and we talk for a bit. I think the anticipation, more than anything else, wore me out.

When I wake up the next morning I feel like I have a hangover. My head hurts, my stomach is lurching and there is a strange chemical tang coating my mouth. For a second I consider staying home but I heave myself up with a sigh when I realise that this is probably the best I will wake up feeling for a while. I am a bit shaky so getting ready takes a bit longer than usual.

"Good morning! How are you feeling?" As Marcia asks this she moves closer and places her hand on my forehead to feel for a fever.

"I'm okay." I answer as I head to the fridge to pour myself some juice. I also manage to choke down a few grapes for breakfast.

"Are you going to school?" She asks.

"Yup" I answer struggling to swallow a mouthful of juice.

"Okay" she acquiesces with a sigh "Let me drive you at least".

I almost tell her that it's okay but I just woke up from sleeping for 11 hours straight and I still feel exhausted. I smile and thank her and finish getting ready. Jase is waiting for us by the curb when we swing by his house to pick him up. Marcia rushes out to get him.

"Hey!" I greet him as he slides into the back seat. I move closer to snuggle against him.

"How did it go?" He asks quietly holding my hand tightly.

"It was okay. How did track team try outs go?" I ask.

"Really good. We only start training proper in spring but I think the coach is willing to work with me. I'm going to try out for wrestling with Brett today." He tells me excitedly.

"Awesome. I told you they would let you it would work out," I turn his head slightly to face me and lean in for a kiss.

"Okay guys enough. There is someone else in the car" Marcia gently chastises us when the kiss goes on for too long.

We pull into school and I need a second to steady myself when I get out of the car. Jase rubs my arm and I smile to reassure him even if he can't see it.

"It's just a dizzy spell. Let's go" I say as I lead him into school.

The day passes slowly but I am excited to support Jase at his try out. By the time I get to the gym the bleachers are already half full of mostly supportive girlfriends. I spot Hannah and even though she doesn't wave back or return my smile I make my way to where she is sitting. Uninvited I plop down next to her.

"Hey Hannah. Have they started?" I ask conversationally.

"No" She replies.

The beginning of our exchange pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. After an hour on uncomfortable bleacher and a dozen attempts to begin a conversation rebuffed with monosyllabic responses I am pretty irritated. My muscles hurt, I am exhausted and despite having barely eaten my stomach is still churning.

"Hannah, is everything okay? You seem a bit off with me. Did I do something?" I ask, attempting a more direct approach.

"I'm fine. You didn't do anything." She replies coldly picking up her bag and walking away.

Usually I would be angered by a friend acting like this, especially a friend as sweet as Hannah so I am surprised when I feel the prickle of tears in my eyes. Even though I barely paid attention it is clear that both Jase and Brett did really well in the tryouts. They both come bounding up to where I am sitting elated and damp from the shower.

"Did you see us kick some serious butt out there?" Brett asks loudly.

"Yeah. That was great guys. I don't want to be a downer but do you mind if we leave. Marcia's waiting and I am beat" I smile so Brett knows that I am okay.

"Sure. Let's go. I'll see you tomorrow Brett" I brush my arm against his and he finds my elbow. We head outside and get into the car.

"You look exhausted" Marcia observes. She didn't want me to stay late to watch the tryouts.

"Thanks" I reply sarcastically leaning back in my seat.

"You can't stay after school any more. You should hold off on school newspaper until everything stabilizes" She suggest calmly.

I roll my eyes and don't bother replying.

"You shouldn't have stayed to watch my stupid tryout" Jase whispers guiltily so Marcia can't hear.

"I wanted to. You were great. Although I could have done without little Miss bizzaro's attitude" I answer.

"You lost me" Jase replies.

"Hannah was there. She was being so weird and barely talking to me. So I ask her what is going on and she just picks up her stuff and leave" I sigh with frustration.

"That is so un-Hannah-ish" Jase observes.

"I know. What is her problem? Did I do something?" I ask annoyed when tears start to form in my eyes again.

"Maybe you should just let it go for now? She'll talk when she is ready." He assures me.

"Because I am such a patient person" I joke snuggling closer to him.

Despite Marcia's protesst I insist that I can rest and have Jase keep me company for a while. We watch the beginning of Mystery team before he leaves to start his homework. Marcia convinces me to try some dinner. I eat a little and go to sleep.

I am jolted awake by a wave of nausea that send me running to the bathroom. The heaving is so violent that I wake up Marcia. She holds back my hair and gets me some water but there is nothing else she can do. Even after the only thing coming up is bile the retching continues. It is 4 hours before I it calms down and I can get up. I brush my teeth wearily and tentatively drink some water before collapsing back into bed.

The next morning I am a zombie floating through school. When we arrive at the treatment centre I want to weep when Trish comes in holding the IV bag. I take a deep breath. The feeling when the IV starts is a bit more familiar. I don't feel like talking today so I lean back in the recliner and before I know it I am asleep. When I wake up it is time to leave. This time the vomiting starts in the car but Marcia was prepared and brought a bucket. The motion of the car and the vomiting leaves me miserable and I cannot wait to install myself on the comfy-stationary- sofa. I rest before dinner. I choke down some carrots for dinner and go to bed.

The next two weeks are pretty rough. My hair starts to fall out. I am always tired, my stomach is constantly churning and it takes all my energy just to turn up at school and stay on top of my assignments. In my third week I break through my wall- I finally find a medication that takes the edge off the nausea and that miraculously returns a lot of my energy. Marcia and I are on our way to pick up Jase- we are actually having a conversation instead of me grunting in the back seat trying not to blow chunks. I actually enjoyed my breakfast for the first time since I started chemo. I head out to get Jase.

"Hey! You came out to get me? Don't I feel special?" He says after I greet him with a kiss and begin to lead him to the car.

"You are special. How did wrestling practice go?" I ask. Jase had practice so we didn't ride home together yesterday.

"It was awesome. Coach is going to give me a chance in the 150 weight class at the meet on Saturday. Do you think you'll be up to coming?" He asks hopefully.

I wait for Marcia and Jase to exchange greetings as we enter the car. She teases him and he teases back. I wonder if it is weird that my boyfriend and my sister get along so well.

"What time is the meet? I have chemo on saturday." I ask.

"It's at 9am" He answers.

"Cool then I can come" I assure him "I'll paint a sign and everything. It's the first big meet right? Does it make up for me missing the pep rally?" I missed the pep rally where Jase got his letterman jacket with his track and wrestling teams.

Morning classes pass relatively quickly. We are sitting outside at lunch time. Even though it is freezing I cannot deal with the smell of high school cafeteria and I am still getting a tonne of stares thanks to my new haircut. Jase and I are making out in an attempt to keep warm and he runs his hands down my head. He says he loves the way my buzzed head feels; which is weird, but I am grateful he isn't grossed out by it. When I woke up to clumps of hair on my pillow I figured it would be easier to buzz it all off and start again rather than watch it fall off slowly. It was a triumph for exactly two minutes. I can already see the fuzz thinning. It looks like I am going to be bald. No way around it.

Jase senses my distraction and breaks the kiss.

"Where are you?" He asks.

"I was just thinking we should go out on a date." I answer.

"Are you up for that?" He asks.

"Yeah. As long as we avoid anywhere with food smells. Do you want to go to that open mic thing?" The whole town has been papered with posters for a few days now. It's going to be held at the University campus nearby.

"Yeah. Sounds good. Actually, really good. It feels like it's been forever. I could get my brother to drive us. I think he is going." Jase offers.

"Cool. Is he going by himself? That's kind of sad" I note.

"It kind of sounds like a date. I'll check with him" He decides.

"Good idea. Baby brother and cancer chick in the back seat may put a damper on the evening" I laugh.

Preparing for a date is slightly different when you have a severe looking buzz cut and a gaunt look from losing weight. Make up is no longer optional but must be caked on liberally preferably with a trowel. The perfect outfit is now something that doesn't hang on you, that covers up your catheter and keeps you warm so you are not shivering your way through the evening. Seasickness bands are an awesome accessory- convince yourself that this is true. Big earrings will let everyone know that even though you do not have any hair you are, in fact, a girl. Finally I stand in front of my full length mirror eyeing myself critically. Not bad, my print sheath dress works my new skinny-ness to my advantage, my boots are lined with knee high socks so I am warm and comfortable and all the makeup I am wearing masks the sickly sheen on my face. My buzz cut makes my eyes look huge which I think is actually kind of sexy. Maybe I'll go for a pixie cut when all this is done. I throw on a comfy knee length sweater and grab my bag before heading downstairs to wait for Jase.

"Oh wow. You look nice," Marcia notes as I join her and Dudders in the living room "And the Chanel purse? How hot is this date?" Marcia asks.

"About two weeks worth of hot" I smile plopping down on the couch.

"Ah the old use fine leather goods to attract your blind boyfriend. You definitely seem to know the way to a man's heart" Dudders observes sarcastically not taking his eyes off the television.

"Last time I checked squatters weren't allowed to make helpful comments. Did you go over the house rules with him?" I ask my sister.

"Be nice. Dudders and I have been talking and he is willing to give Colorado a chance. He asked his father for a leave of absence and has gotten a job lecturing English at the University. So how would you feel about upgrading him from squatter to roommate?" She asks giddily.

"I would love that. Your father was really al right with all this?" I ask sceptically. Thomas Dudley the original was not really known for his open mindedness. It had taken every trick in my sisters arsenal on top of out Fathers impeccable blood line and wealth to convince him to accept my half black sister as a potential addition to the family.

"Not really but he agreed to give me a year anyway. So I have a year before we have to talk about it again. But he did threaten to come visit" He confesses.

"What?" Marcia asks whipping around to face him. The doorbell rings as they are in the middle of bickering and I take that as my cue to leave.

Jase is waiting at the door. He is wearing the pair of jeans that I absolutely love on him, a buttoned up shirt, skinny tie and his pea coat. He smells amazing.

"You look delicious" I say as I drink in every detail.

"Thanks Marcia. Could you get Aisha for me?" He says. He follows his little joke with a cocky smile. It's a smile that has been coming out more and more since he started playing sports. Although Brett and Eli are still his closest friends but the notoriety of being the cute new wrestling star has not hurt his confidence.

"You are lucky you are so cute," I joke grabbing my scarf from the coat stand and joining him outside.

"I'm lucky you think I'm cute" He laughs.

I am having such a good time laughing and talking to Jase as we wait for the bands to start up I am surprised to hear Brett's voice. He has an angry looking Hannah in tow.

"Hey guys! I thought it was you. I didn't know you were coming to this. Do you mind if we join you?" Brett asks.

Jase has a concerned expression on his face. I squeeze his knee to let him know I am okay. The venue is filling up quickly. If we don't let them sit with us they won't find anywhere else. I motion for them to sit. Hannah looks sickened by the prospect. The conversation becomes slightly awkward given Hannah won't address me directly but I am determined to have a good time. The first band is hilariously terrible and Jase, Brett and I are doubled over with the giggles as they finish their set. Brett announces he needs to use the toilet and Jase joins him. Hannah has her whole body turned away from me. We sit in silence for ten minutes. I am craning my neck looking for the boys when I spot them at the bar angling for the bartenders attention.

"Hannah, I don't know what happened between us. I don't really care. I just miss you" I exhale. I honestly wasn't expecting my words to do anything so I am surprised when she bursts into tears. I don't even think about moving closer and putting my arm around her even though I know from painful experience that this position tugs awkwardly at my catheter.

"What is going on?" I ask.

"I am so sorry"

"For what?"

"For being such a bitch to you when you needed a friend when all you have ever been to me" Her sobs become heavier and she can barely speak. I rub her back until she stops crying.

"I forgive you Hannah. I was never even really mad, just confused. What has been going on with you?" I ask gently. This sets her off again but nowhere near as bad as the last time. We sit for a while; her crying and me comforting her until she starts to talk.

"I was so mad at you" She confesses.

"What did I do?"

"You got sick" She admits sheepishly "Who told you you could do that? Who gave you permission to become my best friend and then just..."

I am too stunned to speak.

"My Mum died of cancer. My Dad barely qualifies as an adult let alone a parent. But there was you and our little crew and on my birthday weekend I felt like, I'm going to be okay- this is my family and I am going to be okay. And Brett kissed me. All these great things happened for me. I am so scared they are all going to go away. I am so scared and it was easier to be mad. Because maybe if we weren't friends anymore it wouldn't hurt as much.." She trailed off for the second time inhaling a deep snotty breath.

"If I died," I finish deadpan.

"I am the worst" She finishes.

"Yeah you are pretty terrible" I giggle. She looks shocked but then she relents and joins me.

"I am so sorry" She states simply grasping my hand.

"It's okay. Look, I wish I could promise I am never going to die. I am awesome but I am also human. I like being alive a lot more when we are friends"

"Can we be friends again?" She asks tearfully.

Instead of answering I give her a hug. Happy tears fall down my face.

"You actually look really good with your hair like that.." She says as we pull away both snotty messes.

"So I know our date night wasn't quite what we wanted but I still had fun. Thank you" I say to Jase as we say our goodbyes outside my front door. His brother hoots impatiently and Jase raises his middle finger at the bushes. I help him out by directing it to the car. He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. We keep his brother waiting for another 15 minutes.

Part 20

The next few days pass in a blur of tests, half days of school, driving to Boulder and barely seeing my boyfriend and friends. Finally fourteen days after Dr. Brown first diagnosed me with cancer I am sitting in front of three doctors with Marcia beside me. The conference is to decide on the course of treatment now that I have my official diagnosis- Acute myeloid leukaemia stage 2. In the past week I have been noticing more symptoms- like how my cold that wouldn't go away was maybe more than a cold and how most teens don't suddenly needs after school naps to get through the day. I just didn't want to see it. Dr. Katz is my new oncologist, Rose is my new therapist and Dr. Brown is on board because I like him so much better than Dr. Katz. I can tell that this is causing tension between the two men. I don't particularly care. They are, however, completely united in this moment. Chemotherapy and radiation seems to be what everyone thinks I should go with.

"I think we should go after this thing aggressively" Dr. Brown asserts. Everyone nods sagely in agreement. None of them know what aggressive feels like. I think he notes my lack of enthusiasm and continues "I know this is hard for you but it is our only shot. You have to be ready to fight" He encourages me.

I just nod. Marcia exchanges a concerned glance with Rose. They all think I'm depressed. Maybe I am but I think that I'm just tired. Tired and overwhelmed.

"Why don't you take the weekend to process things? We can talk again on Monday." Rose suggests.

Marcia nods gratefully and immediately stands up grabbing her handbag and heading to the door.

"We'll talk on Monday" She says to Dr. Brown as a goodbye. He doesn't seem happy about this but he accepts it as graciously as he can. I follow Marcia to the car. We drive in silence until Marcia slams on the brakes and pulls to the side of the rude. I turn to her surprised and am shocked to see that she looks angry. She looks furious. At me.

"I think this is the longest you have ever gone without speaking" She begins. Her eyes flash accusations at me.

"You are so selfish!" She screams when I don't answer.

"What?" I splutter. I can't believe that she would call me that. Especially now.

"You've just shut down! Given up! That is so not fair. I'm here too. You can't leave me alone. I'm scared too. You can't just shut down and lock me out. You are the only family I have" She yells her voice breaking when she begins to sob.

For a moment I have no idea what to say. Then I realize that she is right. I have been a monosyllabic zombie all week and it isn't fair to her. I need to accept that this is really happening.

"I'm freaking out" I admit.

"Of course you are. Was that so hard to say?" She asks.

"No" I admit, this time more sheepishly.

"Good" She grumbles good naturedly as she restarts the car and pulls back on to the road.

Dudders is waiting for us when we get home. I let Marcia answer his questions about how it went and head out to see Jase. I have missed him so much. I check my watch when I leave the house. He should be home now. I knock on the door and Arnold answers.

"Hey!" He greets me casually as he lets me in "Jase is upstairs" His hands and mouth are full of sandwich and he rushes back to the living room once I am in the foyer. I assume he is in the middle of one of his gaming marathons. The music is pretty loud coming from Jase's room so I knock loudly. I hear him walk around and turn down the music.

"Who is it?" He asks as he approaches the door.

"It's me" At the sound of his voice my fatigued body yearns to be close to his and feel his strong firm torso pressed against mine.

He opens the door and I immediately pull him in for a hug. If he is surprised he recovers admirably and holds me tight. After a few moments I tilt my head upwards and initiate a kiss. Before I know we are in the middle of a heavy make out session on the bed. Jase pulls away first.

"I really missed you this week. How did it go today?" He asks sitting up against the headboard and pulling me in to lie next to him. I rest my head on his chest listening to his deep voice vibrating under me.

"Leukaemia. Stage 2. I'm supposed to be taking the weekend to think about my treatment options but I am going to lose my shit if I hear one more thing about it. Lets go do something?Anything at all as long as it has nothing to do with my week" I ask. God, I sound pathetic. "Let's just put all that other stuff way in the back and save it for Monday," I finish.

"Okay. I know just what to do" Jase replies confidently jumping off his bed and finding his phone.

An hour later we are sitting inside the skate park. Jase, Eli, Hannah and Brett are spreading out picnic blankets over the concrete. Hannah smiles at Brett and gives him a quick kiss before heading to the car to pick up the food.

"So do you want to do this before eating and drinking or after?" Jase asks as he approaches me tentatively. I break out of my reverie and move to meet him halfway.

"Before, I guess" I strap on my helmet, pick up my board and approach the edge of the new ramp.

I wasn't sure this was a good idea until I felt my stomach clench in anticipation, like it always does when I just start falling in the moment before my board, my feet and the ground meet. I ride the curve of the skate bowl. Feeling warmed up I try some tricks. My heart is pumping and my whole body is working with me to make this happen. I land again. I fly some more and then I land. The wind is on my face and I can hear my friends cheering; the universe is working in unison and I have missed being at the centre of it. I skate until I am scared my knees might give way if I carry on. I am sweaty, elated and exhausted. And finally ready to face my friends.

Jase and Eli are deep in a conversation while Hannah and Brett are deep in making googly eyes at each other mode when I approach the picnic blanket. I smile at them and grab a drink after I put my board down.

"Okay, I guess I'll ask. You miss a week of school and then Jase tells us to come watch you skate. I'm not an expert but this doesn't seem normal. What is going on?" Eli asks. It comes out fast and sarcastic but his eyes crinkle and I know he is concerned.

"Can't a guy call up his friends to hang out at a skate park on a Friday afternoon? To relax and take in the scenery?" Jase asks jokingly attempting to deflect Eli's question. He gestures expansively at his surroundings and everyone looks around. It is mostly industrial concrete.

It works and the tension is broken. We hang out and eat the brownies that Hannah baked and chat for a while. I get back on my board and skate until it is dark. Everyone is trying to decide whether to head to the cafe or get a movie and some pizza when I know that I have to tell them. That this is happening and I have to face up to my life.

I clear my throat "Guys. There is something I need to tell you". Jase gives my hand a squeeze.

"I'm sick. I have cancer, that's why I missed school this week and that's why I've been so quiet today. I've been trying to figure out how to say it." I finish lamely.

The only sound is cars on the nearby road. After what seems like an eternity Eli clears his throat and speaks.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I'm fine. I start chemo and radiation next week so I'll be not so fine for a bit. And then I'll be fine again" I try to joke. Hannah won't make eye contact with me. Brett has noticed as well and is watching her with concern.

"I don't really want pizza. I'm kind of tired. Brett will you take me home?" Hannah finally speaks and begins to get up packing up the remnants of the picnic.

"Hannah I don't think we should.." Brett begins.

"Take me home Brett" She begins to run toward the car. Brett hugs me quickly and promises to call before following Hannah to the car.

"I should go talk to her" I begin to get up but Jase holds my arm to restrain me."

"Maybe you should just give her some space. She'll be okay." He doesn't look as sure as he sounds.

"Do you guys still want to go grab something to eat?" Eli asks his voice is falsely cheerful.

"No I think this kind of put a damper on the whole evening. I'm just going to head home" I answer with a smile.

"Let's have breakfast at the diner tomorrow?" He suggests.

"You're going to wake up on a Sunday?" Jase asks incredulously.

"I'll meet you guys at 11. Church will be over, right?" He asks.

"Yeah. We'll see you then" I answer.

We all get up and head to the parking lot in silence. I lead Jase to the car and we get in. The ride is silent and he doesn't seem surprised when I park the car and ask to come in when we get to his house.

"My parents went out for dinner. Is the car in the driveway?" Jase asks.

"No. Should I park down the street so they don't see my car?" I ask.

"Might be a good idea." He agrees.

We head upstairs and we are kissing on his bed. The only sounds are the bed moving beneath us and the soft music playing.

"Do you have a condom?" I ask breathlessly. The question is out before I can take it in but I know the second I say it that it is what I want.

"No" Jase answers surprised "Why?"

"I don't really want to get pregnant" I answer hurrying to unbutton his shirt.

"Wait" He holds his shirt together "I mean, why now?"

"Why not now? Don't you want to?" I ask incredulous.

"Of course I want to but not like this" He answers.

"Like how? What do you mean?" I ask sitting up and straightening my hair. I suddenly feel very slutty. And slut isn't even a word I use; on myself or on other women.

"Like you're saying goodbye or using this as some sort of escape" He says quietly.

"I'm not" I declare defensively. I am.

"I just always thought our first time would be special or at least really about us" He explains.

"We might not get another chance" I whisper.

"Don't say that. We will. Of course we will." He holds my hand and I let myself believe him because I really, really want to believe.

"What do you mean our first time?" I ask.

"Huh?"
"You said our; not my first time but our first time. Have you already had sex with someone else?" I ask.

There is a long pause before he decides not to lie to me.

"I have. I just kind of wanted to get it over with so I hooked up with a girl from my brothers high school at a party last summer. It was... really weird she was really aggressive.." He trails off.

"Aggressive how?" I encourage him stifling my laughter.

"She bit me like really hard. It wasn't all her fault I was kind of afraid I would poke her in the eye or something so I wasn't really... moving around much" He explains.

I can't help it. I burst out laughing.

"Don't laugh!" He exclaims before dissolving into giggles.

"What about you? Have you ever had sex?" He asks.

"No" I answer.

"Why not?" He asks.

"I've never been in love before and thank God I waited" I answer.

"Why?"

"Because if I didn't love you I would have been out the door and never have spoken to you again the second you rejected me. I wouldn't have even been able to hear the explanation. Thinking about my first time makes me feel really excited but also really nervous and vulnerable, really naked. But I know you love me and I love you and I trust that. So I feel safe." I explain haltingly.

"Wow" He doesn't really say the word. He exhales it.

"Yeah, wow" and in this moment I really do think that everything will be okay. It's not just about Jase and I but all the people who I love and who love me. I chose to believe that life will be fair and that someone so blessed with love will be allowed to stick around and enjoy it. And then I think; screw allowed I am going to fight.

The things I have forgotten to miss.

I saw a boy and his hair was brown and he was wearing your shirt,

But he wasn't you.

And he did that slouchy thing that you would do

where you would stare at me from under your curly mop

and smile a little half smile

a smile that knew everything

and everything was hilarious

and everything was right there between and around us, orbiting.

But he wasn't you

(and he wasn't smiling at me)

And I kept turning to that shirt

that shirt kept reminding me

Of all the things I had forgotten to miss about you.

And the boy continued to peer from under his mop of hair

And smile that smile at the girl who wasn't me

And I wanted to scream at them to stop

That I had seen this movie before

And I wanted to deprive them of what was happening (you don't deserve it)

And I wanted to save them. (you don't deserve it)

But he wasn't you

(and he wasn't smiling at me)

Part 19

It all starts while we are changing out of our gym clothes after class nearly two weeks after Hannah's birthday.

"Woah, Aisha, what happened to you?" Hannah asks as I pull off my sweaty shirt gesturing concernedly to my back. I peer over my shoulder to see what she is pointing it and am genuinely surprised to see a large purplish bruise it's dark edges tracing down half of my back.

"Oh wow! How did I do that?" I ask pulling on my shirt quickly and running a comb through my hair not wanting to be caught out by the bell.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Hannah presses.

"No," I try to say it flippantly but a knot is already forming in my gut. Luckily the bell rings and we all head off for our next class.

I don't hear anything in History Mr. Geldon could be nattering on about cold fusion or attempting to indoctrinate us into the Hitler youth for all I know. I am distracted by a steady stream of denial- it can't be, I think. Not again. Not now. The denial gets louder as the knot in my stomach gets bigger trying to act as counter point to the dread and certainty that has gripped my gut.

"So what do you think?" Everything sounds like I am listening to it from under a well. Jase touches my thigh. "Earth to Aisha?" He jokes but his eyes crinkle with concern.

"Sorry. I'm off with the fairies. What are we talking about?" I ask dragging my attention back to my lunch and my friends.

"We were wondering of you would mind us tagging along to Jase's track meet on Saturday?" Eli asks.

"Sure. The more the merrier. The school is only like 45 minutes away so it should be fine. I have to go borrow a book before class. I'll meet you at the usual place Jase" I reassure him squeezing his hand before heading off.

Instead of going to the library I pull out my cell phone and make a call.

"Hello is this Dr. Brown's surgery? This is Aisha Ogilvy I need to make an appointment".

Luckily they agree to see me after school. The rest of the day passes in a blur. It barely registers until I have dropped off Jase at his house and I am sitting in Dr. Brown's surgery in a paper gown having blood drawn. I could tell he was concerned when he saw the bruise, his smile was tight when he told me not to jump to conclusions and that we would know more when the blood work came back.

"Have you been more tired recently?" He asks conversationally.

"Kind of but we had Hannah's birthday thing and then my sister's ex has been in town so it has been really crazy..." I trail off.

"Right. Well like I said we'll know more when the blood work comes in" Dr Brown has a high voice for a man but he exudes a confident competence. I wonder if they grade bedside manner in medical school. He probably got an A. He reaches out and pats my hand as he tells me that I can get dressed. Maybe an A+.

"When will the blood work come in?" I ask him as I re-enter the examining room to pick up my school bag.

"We can put a rush on it and have the results in tomorrow." He answers calmly.

"Please do. Thanks Dr. Brown" I head out of the clinic. The snow is falling thick and fast. My hands tremble as I put the key into the ignition. I take a few deep breaths. This isn't happening.

Back at home I cross paths with the now familiar Dudders camped out on the porch. He is huddled in his sleeping bag and the camping stove he uses to keep warm is lit. He doesn't actually sleep on the porch. He comes out early in the morning and follows my sister to her car. He then stalks her on her lunch break before following her home and camping out on the porch until we go to sleep then he heads to his hotel to sleep. Every night for the past week Marcia has sent me out with a plate of dinner for him. He considers this a good sign. I just think it is weird that he is living on our porch.

"Heya Duds!" I greet him as I step over his backpack to get to the door.

"Hello Aisha. How was school today? Why so late getting back? Were you with Jase. I hope you were just doing your homework" He smirks not taking his eyes off his laptop screen. I gave him the wireless password a few days ago.

"School was fine. What I was doing was none of your business. How was stalking today?" I ask.

"She looked around for me in the afternoon. I had just gone to the bathroom and when I stepped out she was kind of looking around for me. I'm sure she is going to break soon. Only a matter of time" He finishes sounding incredibly self satisfied.

"You have officially gone off the deep end Dudders" I comment as I step inside the house.

"I'm a fool for love" He shouts at my retreating back.

Marcia is sitting on the couch dressed in sweats with her laptop in her lap and a glass of wine on the coffee table. She looks up at the sound of Dudders shouting.

"You really need to talk to him. I'm surprised none of the neighbours have called the police yet" I comment as I head into the kitchen and grab a wine glass.

"Oh please. He's charmed all the neighbours with his sad sack romantic act. He even told them why I'm angry with him" Marcia raises her eyebrows as she watches me pour a large glass of wine and sit on the couch next to her.

"Hard day?" She asks. And I almost tell her. But then I remember that, like me, she lost her parents a few months ago, her ex-boyfriend is camped out on her porch and it could all be a false alarm. Even as I am rationalising a shiver of certainty passes over me warning me that it isn't a false alarm. Fine, it isn't a false alarm but I should spare her for a few hours if I can. Marcia wordlessly passes me a blanket. I sit on the couch and finish the glass of wine. The buzz soothes my fray edges even that I can focus through dinner as Marcia tells me about her day. I drink two more glasses and stumble up the stairs. I fall into bed and the room lurches uncomfortably around me.

It is a painfully bright winter morning and I am sitting in the car .

waiting for Jase to join me so we can head to school when the phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hello Aisha. This is Dr. Brown. I put a rush on the results and they are in now. Can you come in after school to discuss them?" Dr Brown asks.

"Yes but could you just give me a hint of what they are so I don't spend the whole day wondering" I answer nervously. My mouth is suddenly very dry. Jase is pulling on a beanie with ear flaps. I hoot the horn so he can locate the car easier.

"I really don't feel comfortable discussing it over the phone. The results are still just between us but I think you should consider bringing your sister along for support" He says. I agree and we say goodbye.

Jase has been sitting quietly waiting for me to finish my conversation. His head turns when I hang up the phone.

"It is freezing today," He starts conversationally "What was that about?" He asks referring to the phone call.

"It was Dr. Brown. I had some tests and he wants me to go in to get the results", I answer while starting the car.

"Is everything okay?" He asks his brow furrows with concern.
"I don't know he wouldn't tell me on the phone. I found this bruise and it's kind of like what happened when I was a kid... when I got cancer" I answer.

"You should go get the results. Just ditch class. The sooner you know it's nothing the happier you'll be" He suggests.

"I can't go without Marcia" I whisper.

"Then get her," He reaches for my arm and squeezes it and I turn to face him. He looks scared.

"You look scared," I comment.

"I am. You are too," He squeezes again but this time he pulls me in for a hug. And although I am frozen through with fear, disbelief and anger I can feel his warmth right outside of me. I close my eyes and try to be grateful that I have someone who cares enough to be afraid. Who loves me. All of a sudden the remembrance that I love him washes over me and I cling to him, surprised that I could have forgotten or misplaced something so powerful, even for a second.

Jase makes me call Marcia who immediately agrees to meet me at Dr. Brown's office. I offer to drop Jase off at school; he looks at me like I am crazy and that is how we all end up in Dr. Brown's waiting room an hour later. Marcia came with Dudders which is too amusing for words.

I am definitely going to tease them about it later. Marcia looks pale and her lips are drawn into a thin line. I'm sure she is angry with me but she is holding it in reasonably well. We don't have an appointment so it is nearly half an hour before Dr. Brown steps out into the waiting room to call me in.

"Hello everybody" He begins addressing my waiting room entourage "I'll just need Aisha and Marcia for now" He says it sweetly ushering Marcia and I into his office.

"Just go. Just tell me" I urge him.

"Well your blood tested positive for cancerous indicators. Given the indicators and your medical history I think it is leukaemia but we need to run more tests before we can say with any certainty how far it has spread. I've already forwarded a referral to the hospital in Boulder they have all the imaging equipment. I also know some very good Oncologists." He finishes.

"If it's all the same Dr. Brown could you stay on as my doctor?" I ask. It feels like I have been quiet for a very long time and my voice feels rusty when I speak. Maybe it has been a long time. Maybe an eternity separates the time before Dr. Brown started talking and after.

"Sure," He nods. Marcia takes charge of the conversation. She pulls out her purple Asprey day planner and begins to ask questions and take notes. I allow myself to drift. It would be obvious to think about my parents when faced, again, with my mortality. Or I could think about my other experiences with cancer. Instead I think about the new ramp they have installed at the nearby indoor skate park and how I wanted to go the weekend it was finished but I put it off. I really want to ride that thing.

part 18

"Brett asked me out for next weekend" Hannah declares excitedly. The afternoon passed quickly and we are now in our room changing to head out for the show. Hannah is sitting on the bed painting her nails as I help her straighten her hair. Jase and I gave her our present while we had coffee when we got back from shopping. Her whole outfit is laid out on her bed and it looks great but she could have worn a burlap sack tonight and have looked fantastic. She is glowing.

"I hope you said yes. The two of you need to get together like, yesterday" I laugh.

"I did but.." She trails off uncertainly.

"What?" I ask absent mindedly looking for something to clip off sections of her hair.

"I mean. It doesn't make any sense at all. Why would he like me?" She asks timidly focusing intensely on her nails.

"Why wouldn't he like you Hannah? You are hilarious, kind and smart. And good looking." I answer easily. I catch her rolling her eyes.

"It just... I don't get it" She finishes awkwardly.

"You don't have to get it. Just enjoy it" I smile.

"Right because I seem capable of not over analysing everything" She smiles.

"Right" I agree "And you are going to look fantastic. Slip on your dress while I figure out my hair situation. You are going to love where we are having dinner tonight. The guy was on top chef", I explain knowing that Top chef is one of our shared tv passions.

"Awesome!" She exclaims. I examine myself critically in the mirror. Given the lack of sleep and the crying I have done today I look okay. I rummage in my bag for the make up bag I rarely use and give myself a touch up of paint before deciding to wear my hair up. I throw on my black shift dress, shrunken velvet blazer and silver wedge heels add some accessories and I am ready to go. Hannah and I snap some pictures in the hotel room before we head out because half the fun is getting ready. We step into the lounge to find Eli and Brett playing video games while Jase seems engrossed in something on his computer. I approach him and gently tap his shoulder. He doesn't seem as startled as he should be- he just calmly pulls off his earphones.

"Are you guys ready?" He asks pleasantly locating his cane and turning off his computer.

This prompts Brett and Eli to turn around. Brett looks like his eyes might roll out of their sockets as he drinks in every detail of how Hannah looks.

"Hannah, you are so beautiful" He says it reverently. Hannah looks like she is loving every minute of it but just smiles and says a shy thank you.

Brett cannot seem to take his eyes off of her.

"You look amazing Aisha" Eli pipes up. Eli was just trying to give me a nice compliment but it just kind of awkwardly punctuates the fact that my boyfriend cannot see me.

"Thanks Eli! Let's hit the town shall we?" As we are headed down the hall we see Amy hovering in the lobby pacing nervously.

"Hey Guys!" She spots us and runs over.

"Amy, I thought you went home? Mum and Dad are waiting for you?" Brett demands.

"Um actually they sent me back. I realized how awful I was to all of you last night and I just wanted to come back and apologise. Aisha you did this amazing thing for Hannah and you were nice enough to invite me I just felt a bit out of my element and I lashed out. I am so sorry- this is to everyone; for ruining your evening." Amy seems sincere.

Hannah just stares at Amy with her mouth slightly open. I begin to move away to give them some privacy when Hannah just lashes out.

"Are you sorry for disappearing for the last year? For being impossible to be around? For pushing away the people who care about you or is this apology limited to this weekend? For turning my birthday into the latest episode of the Amy show. Because it's all about you, right? I should forgive you because I am lucky enough to have you as a friend?" Hannah asks barely concealing her disgust.

"No. I mean I was going through some stuff I'm sorry I couldn't stop to hang out" Amy retorts defensively.

"Oh please Amy you were so wrapped up in your misery you couldn't even see that there were all these people around you wanting to help you. Whatever. I accept your "apology". We're going to go now. Let's go guys!" She demands leading us all to the minivan.

We pile into the car in silence.

"I'm sorry for the scene. Let's just enjoy tonight, okay?" She asks.

We do have fun. The food is delicious, the play was moving and the boys were perfect gentlemen the whole night. We decided to cut the cake back at the hotel room. I head to Marcia's room to grab the cupcakes bouquet we decided to buy instead of birthday cake.

"Wow. So that Amy is interesting" Marcia says as we walk back to the room. I am carrying the box of cupcakes and she is holding a bag full of napkins and party hats.

"That she is" I shrug non comitally. It's really easy for all of us to judge Amy but she used to be someone that Hannah really liked and maybe it's just tough for her to get back there. I don't know her so I'm just going to follow Hannah's lead. We enter the suite to find Eli, Brett and Jase chatting idly in the lounge while Amy and Hannah have a heated discussion on the balcony. Marcia and I exchange confused glances before setting up the cupcakes on the table. I sit on Jase's lap and his hands settle around my waist.

"Was Amy just hanging out by the room waiting for us to get back? We were gone for like 5 hours." I note.

"I think she was. Maybe you should just get them and we can eat the cake. They don't seem to be getting anywhere" Brett suggests. Biting back the temptation to remind them that they could have broken up the argument before Marcia and I got back to the room I head to the balcony gently sliding open the door just in time to hear Amy calling Hannah a bitch. Hannah lunges at Amy but I grab her arm and pull her back.

"Woah guys. Let's go inside and have some cake and tomorrow we'll just head back and put this disaster of a weekend behind us" I suggest wearily.

We head in silently and remain silent all through the most joyless and awkward birthday cake cutting ever. After she has distributed the cupcakes Hannah takes hers to the girls bedroom and slams the door. Brett follows her timidly. Amy sighs and slumps on to the couch where Eli joins her so Jase and I head to the boys' bedroom.

I let Jase enter the room first and wait for him to settle on his bed before joining him. He takes off his sunglasses and collapses his cane placing them both on the bedside table. He leans back on the headboard and wearily shuts his eyes. I fit into his arms and snuggle against his chest. He feels solid and warm and all I want to do is spend another night with him and wake up like this. Maybe we shouldn't have spent the night together. Clearly you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube and now we are one step further and we can never go back to holding hands.

"Urgh! What a drama-fest. This weekend was such a bad idea" I declare tiredly.

"Hey I loved next to normal and I had fun hanging out with you and everyone. Amy and Hannah will work it out" He sighs.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask, closing my eyes as I relax.

“Shoot,” He answers easily, I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Why do you wear the sunglasses?” I ask.

“My eyes have kind of forgotten how to regulate light. Like when you step out of a dimly lit room and you have to squint while you adjust? I don’t which means I can damage my eyes or get random headaches. It kind of helps with identification as well and people get creeped out when you don’t make eye contact with them so it just stops me being worried I seem rude or am making someone feel uncomfortable. Why do you ask?” He asks tilting his head toward me.

“I’ve just always wondered and I’ve never had a blind person handy who I could ask” I yawn.

“Glad I can be of service” His chest rumbles under me as he chuckles gently.

“I’m going to go check on Hannah”, I tell Jase as I get up, stretch and head to the door. The door to the girls bedroom is locked. Instead of knocking I take the hint and head back to the boys bedroom.

“I think I have to sleep here. Brett and Hannah locked the door. I can’t say I’m upset” I giggle. I head into the bathroom to wash off my make up. I slip out of my clothes and underwear and carefully fold them into a neat pile covering myself a towel instinctually before heading back into the room. Jase is bent over his suitcase his head lifts when he hears me enter the room.

“Here you can sleep in this” He hands me a t-shirt with raised bumps over it.

“Thanks. What does it say?” I run my fingers over the braille after I put on the t-shirt.

“It says Hunter School track and field team, it’s from my old school” He approaches me with his hand stretched out when his fingers make contact with my hand he steps around me and heads for the bathroom his hand ghosting the wall.

I hop into bed glad that it is queen size and not lacking in pillows. Jase comes back and timidly approaches the bed pausing when he is standing right beside it.

“Which side are you on?” He asks. He sounds tired.

Instead of answering I gently tug him into the bed pulling him down beside me. I gently stroke his chest in what I hope is a soothing fashion.

“I love you Jase” I say. Glad to be the one to say it first this time.

“I love you too,” He replies.

We talk idly about nothing. Jase falls asleep first and then, lulled by the gentle sounds of his breathing and the rhythmic movement of his chest, I do to.

The ride home is uneventful. Hannah and Amy manage to coexist in a frosty silence that lasts the whole ride back to Everwood. The rest of us make conversation over their terse silence, pretending not to notice it. We drop off Amy and Brett first. Amy just picks up her bag and stalks into the car. Brett exchanges hugs and jokes lightly with all of us before kissing Hannah goodbye and heading inside. I turn to Jase and throw him a knowing look; being met with his unfocused gaze makes me feel pretty stupid. I feel even more stupid when Marcia throws me an understanding smile through the rear-view mirror. We drop off Eli next and then Hannah. It is getting late so the goodbyes are quick. Next Jase and his brother and finally, Marcia and I get home.

“I’ll put the kettle on” I declare as we approach the front door. The end of my sentence is lost in a yelp of surprise when I recognize who is sitting on our front porch.

“Dudders?! What the hell are you doing here?” I rush into his arms and give him a huge hug remembering only that he is our oldest friend and not that he has behaved appallingly.

“What the fuck?!” Marcia yells her voice full of venom and disgust I cringe hearing my sister swearing behind me.

“Look Marcia. I have been sleeping here for two days waiting for you to get back so I could apologize for disappearing on you. My behaviour was vile and contemptous but you have to believe that I still care about you. That I love you” He finishes.

I want to excuse myself and head into the house but I am frozen in place my mouth slightly open. I don’t think I have ever seen Marcia look so furious, disappointed and so utterly heartbroken.

“Love? You love me? I’m surprised you can even use that word. I thought for certain that having a soul was a pre-requisite for its use in this context. Where was the love John? Show me one thing that your love did for me when I really needed it. Show me?” She demands pushing past him using the weight of her suitcase and standing by the door. She laughs almost haughtily at his lack of response.

“Right. I thought so. Please take your love and bugger off you fucking fuck fuck face” She declares as she unlocks the door and slams it loudly as she enters.

Dudders and I look at each other and both stifle the laughs bubbling up inside us.

“I really ruined this, didn’t I?” He asks. His shoulders slump and although his voice is lighthearted I see the tears in his eyes.

“You did you giant idiot. Were you really in Ibiza?” I ask.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t. I should have been there.” His expression is sheepish and his explanation is so half baked that I get a sudden flash of what my sister must be feeling. I want to punch him; right in the nose.

“Well, it was nice to see you again. I would invite you in for some tea but we had a long trip in we were in Boulder for a friend’s birthday. We need some sleep. A speech may work in the movies but you couldn't possibly believe it was going to be that easy. Goodnight Duds” I rush up the stairs. He grabs the door preventing me from closing it.

“Tell her I am not going anywhere. I’m here and I am staying until she speaks to me” He insists.

"Goodnight", I repeat wearily gently shutting the door. Marcia is in her bedroom she doesn't respond when I knock. I can hear her sobs through the door although I know she has stuffed her face into a pillow to muffle the sound. She doesn't like anyone to know when she cries over a guy. I pause at the door for what must be a full minute before heading to my room. I have a quick shower and slip into the t-shirt Jase lent me for the night. I have no intention of ever returning it to him.

The next morning comes faster than anyone would have liked. I get ready for school half asleep. Marcia and I are both running late so we skip breakfast and I only get a quick glimpse at her as she slips into the van and heads to work ignoring Dudders' attempts to speak to her.

"Did you spend the night in the garden?" I ask him as I approach my car. He is standing in the driveway staring despondently at Marcia speeding off.

"I told you I wasn't leaving" He says.

"Okay. Well, I have school. If I leave you here to shower do you promise not to trash the place?" I ask jokingly as I hand him the key.

"No guarantees" He deadpans.

"Guest room is downstairs. Food in the fridge. We'll talk when I get back but if Marcia kicks you out that is it. I can't help you. So improve on your speech" I enter the car.

"Thanks" He says.