In an awkward twist to Sunday morning breakfast Eli and Jase are both running late. Brett and I exchanged two minutes of small talk before lapsing into awkward silence. And now this. I am careful not to sigh as I raise my head from my phone to listen to him.
"What stuff?" I ask, mildly curious.
"I know you know that I hooked up with those girls that night. I was too embarrassed to face you so I didn't ask you out again. But you were still friends with me after that. And Hannah told me that you really helped her say yes to going out with me. I was kind of a jerk to you and I'm sorry. Also, thank you" He says. It is not clear who is more uncomfortable in this moment.
"Brett you don't have to apologise. For anything. We had fun. We went on one date and you were really sweet. I just took you hooking up with someone else as a sign that we are much better off being friends. And we are. Hannah really likes you though. You are serious about her?" I ask.
"I really like her. More than I've ever liked anyone. No offence" He adds as a quick afterthought.
"None taken. I really like Jase so everything worked out. Did you talk to Hannah about yesterday? She didn't answer the phone when I called. What is going on?"
"Um. She's fine. Just tired. She's really busy and tired. With school stuff" He explains staring intently at his coffee.
"You are such a bad liar. Is she mad at me for not telling her sooner? Because I only just found out.."
"It's not that and I can't tell you. You should just talk to her." He insists.
I decide to drop it. Damn him for being such a good boyfriend. Brett shows me a video he took of me skateboarding at the park. We chat easily until Eli and Jase turn up. My heart flutters when Jase walks into the room his brow is slightly furrowed as he concentrates on both listening to Eli and orienting himself in the cafe. I think it is unbelievable that I can see someone everyday and still have the sight of him awe me, however momentarily. Love, as far as I can tell, fill every day with ordinary magic. Or something.
"So are you nervous about tomorrow?" Jase asks. The plates have been cleared and we are contemplating ordering another round of coffee or moving to Eli's house to play rock band.
"Not really. I'm just going to tell Dr. Brown and Dr. Katz my decision and get some blood work done I think. I shouldn't start treatment until later. Maybe the end of this week?" I shrug.
Jase shudders visibly.
"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" I ask jokingly nudging him and smiling at the others who noticed his shudder.
"Kind of", I can tell he wants to say more but I assume he just doesn't want to do it in front of everyone.
The rest of our Sunday passes quickly. We hang out and don't talk about cancer or the fact that Hannah isn't there or the fact that my boyfriend flinches whenever anyone mentions the up coming week.
I barely sleep and it seems like hours before Monday morning arrives. My brain feels like it has been scrubbed with a wire brush and I do not look good. I am beginning the transition from normal teenage girl to cancer patient, I think grimly. Today my skin looks dry even though it is moisturised and my hair is lank. Clearly my body feels the need to cement its betrayal. Marcia and I make small talk over breakfast and then ride over to the hospital. She made breakfast and I can tell she didn't sleep either. Dudders' drives.
There are a tonne of decisions to make and a lot of paperwork to fill. While Marcia is doing this I am sent to radiation to get my PICC line placed. I get a local anaesthetic and it is really uncomfortable going in but the worst part is how it looks. The radiologist silently holds up a mirror to it before he begins explaining how to take care of it in the shower and that it will be in for 30 days max before it needs to be replaced.
We are in the hospital for so long arranging my chemo and radiation schedule that the anaesthetic begins to wear off and I begin to feel extremely uncomfortable around the insertion site of the catheter. Basically, I just want to rip the thing out and run. Remembering that I should be sharing my emotions I tap Marcia on the shoulder.
"Do you think I could rip this thing out and like outrun the cancer?" I ask.
She smiles wearily "Definitely worth exploring as a back up plan," She answers.
"I think I need to take a leave of absence for all this" She adds examining the schedule she has written into the calender of her Asprey organizer.
"No offence Marcia but I think that a long 3 months will be made even longer if we are around each other all the time. Besides, I'm still going to school so what will you do while I'm at school?" I ask.
"You're still going to school?" She asks incredulously.
"Durr. I could hack it the first time round I can do it now" I answer.
"Um. Okay. Just going to point out quickly that you will need someone to drive you to and from these appointments." She observes.
"Take the afternoon off or I will take a taxi. It's only 3 times a week. This pamphlet says maintaining a sense of normalcy is very important for the mental well being of the cancer patient- that's me." I say.
"Okay. We'll see" She concedes.
Dudders suggests that we grab a late lunch but the idea doesn't really gather any steam. We get home, I take a painkiller and sleep for 13 hours until the next morning.
I go into school for the morning. Marcia has already explained my situation to my headteacher. Which explains what happens in homeroom. Ordinarily I do not listen to the student announcements in the morning because I like to be surprised by what is available at lunch. Eli and I are talking about going to see a movie over the weekend when we both look up because the whole room has gone silent.
"Students, I would like to wish one of our own, Aisha Ogilvy,a speedy recovery. I am sure we will all be supportive as she copes with her cancer diagnosis. We love you Aisha" Trills the cheery voice pouring from the speakers. Everyone turns to stare at me including Eli who looks like he is holding back tears or laughter. I punch him when his spluttering confirms that it is laughter. Luckily the bell rings. Not so luckily the whole school heard the announcement and now everyone in the hallway is staring at me. As one of the few black people in the school, the only English person and the only girl dating the only blind guy at the school this is not an exaggeration. A few people walk up to me and mutter condolences. I smile and thank them. Suddenly I feel the need to be extremely upbeat and optimistic about my devastating diagnosis because what really matters is that these random people understand that it takes more than a few mutated cells to get me down. Cancer? No problem. Oh your cat died of cancer? I am so sorry for Mr. Whiskers but I am actually really excited to have cancer. This is a great opportunity for growth. I clap my hands together like I am ready to tackle any problem- especially those that begin with c and are currently riding around in my blood stream.
"I think you are overselling the cancer" Eli observes as we slowly make our way to our next class through the crowd.
My next tactic is to be self-effacing. This cancer is so not a big deal you guys. It's only like half as bad as it could be!
We make it to biology. Mr. Reid shakes my hand solemnly and wishes me luck with my treatment. His handshake it lingering and his head is tilted at nearly a 45 degree angle.
"I think I may die of shame before the cancer gets me" I whisper to Eli as I move to the seat he has saved for me. This only fuels the giggles he has had non stop since we left homeroom.
Needless to say it is a long morning so I am actually relieved to be heading out to my first chemotherapy appointment when Marcia pulls up. Instead of driving all the way to Denver and to the hospital we found a compromise; a care centre that serves as an outpatient rehab, dialysis, chemotherapy and radiation centre. It is just 45 minutes out of town. I open the car door and stride confidently into the centre and sign myself in. Marcia straggles behind me. The centre is comfortingly efficient. The nurse confirms a few things before leading me into a room filled with comfortable looking recliners with IV poles next to them. There is a middle aged man hooked up to a dialysis machine but apart from that the room is empty. He nods hello and I smile back. The nurse gives a quick run down of the potential side effects, introduces herself as Trish and asks me to get comfortable while she gets my meds.
"Is that chair as comfy as it looks?" Marcia asks as I settle into the recliner.
"It's pretty comfy," I answer as I root through my bag and lay out my supplies; a book- half of a yellow sun by Chimamanda Adiche, the latest copy of Vanity Fair and Hello and my IPod. Marcia does the same unpacking her Ipad so she can work while she waits.
Trish returns and sets everything up. As the meds trickle into my catheter I can't be sure if the shiver I feel is something to do with me or the medicine but it feels so unwanted as it slithers down I cannot help but shiver.
"Do you need a blanket, sweetie?" Trish asks.
"Maybe later Trish. Thank you" I answer a bit distracted by the skull and crossbones on the IV bag.
"Don't worry about that. It just means we have to be extra careful when we are handling it" She explains when she follows my glance to the IV bag.
She sits with us for the first half hour to make sure I am not going to have an allergic reaction. Apart from feeling chilly 5 minutes into it nothing happens. Marcia and I make small talk with Trish. She has two kids and her husband is in the military stationed in Afghanistan. They live with her mother who helps take care of the kids while she is at work. She loves the real housewives of Atlanta. Marcia and I discovered the real housewives a few weeks back on a quiet Sunday afternoon. We quickly decided that the show was the best thing that ever happened to us. Trish decides to share her Kim impression and we are both doubled over in laughter. We are both still giggling when she leaves us for the second half hour of treatment.
"So we haven't talked about Dudders?" I start settling back into the recliner.
"What about him?" Marcia asks feigning innocence.
"You guys are clearly back together. Is he moving here? Is he moving in?" I ask.
"I will let you know the second I know" Marcia replies.
"You guys haven't talked about it?" I am kind of shocked by this. Usually Marcia has to define a relationship and know exactly where it is going before she even says yes to a date.
"That Ray the policeman guy really changed you didn't he?" I ask referring to her casual hook up guy who I only really knew by his first name and a series of awkward kitchen encounters the morning after.
"Not really. I mean he knew the only thing I wanted from him was a bit of comfort. I've been meaning to talk to Dud but we've been kind of busy." She says looking pointedly at the IV bag.
"Do not blame this on the cancer. What is going on with you two?" I ask leaning forward to encourage her to answer.
"I don't know. I guess I don't want to have the talk because I like having him here and I don't want to hear why he screwed it up or think about the future. I just want to be in the present with him" She explains.
"Don't be such a chicken" I challenge her flicking her lightly. She smiles and flicks me back before returning to her magazine.
Back at home Marcia sets me up on the couch with a blanket and the remote which is nice, because I am freezing. The first night isn't that bad, considering. Jase calls and we talk for a bit. I think the anticipation, more than anything else, wore me out.
When I wake up the next morning I feel like I have a hangover. My head hurts, my stomach is lurching and there is a strange chemical tang coating my mouth. For a second I consider staying home but I heave myself up with a sigh when I realise that this is probably the best I will wake up feeling for a while. I am a bit shaky so getting ready takes a bit longer than usual.
"Good morning! How are you feeling?" As Marcia asks this she moves closer and places her hand on my forehead to feel for a fever.
"I'm okay." I answer as I head to the fridge to pour myself some juice. I also manage to choke down a few grapes for breakfast.
"Are you going to school?" She asks.
"Yup" I answer struggling to swallow a mouthful of juice.
"Okay" she acquiesces with a sigh "Let me drive you at least".
I almost tell her that it's okay but I just woke up from sleeping for 11 hours straight and I still feel exhausted. I smile and thank her and finish getting ready. Jase is waiting for us by the curb when we swing by his house to pick him up. Marcia rushes out to get him.
"Hey!" I greet him as he slides into the back seat. I move closer to snuggle against him.
"How did it go?" He asks quietly holding my hand tightly.
"It was okay. How did track team try outs go?" I ask.
"Really good. We only start training proper in spring but I think the coach is willing to work with me. I'm going to try out for wrestling with Brett today." He tells me excitedly.
"Awesome. I told you they would let you it would work out," I turn his head slightly to face me and lean in for a kiss.
"Okay guys enough. There is someone else in the car" Marcia gently chastises us when the kiss goes on for too long.
We pull into school and I need a second to steady myself when I get out of the car. Jase rubs my arm and I smile to reassure him even if he can't see it.
"It's just a dizzy spell. Let's go" I say as I lead him into school.
The day passes slowly but I am excited to support Jase at his try out. By the time I get to the gym the bleachers are already half full of mostly supportive girlfriends. I spot Hannah and even though she doesn't wave back or return my smile I make my way to where she is sitting. Uninvited I plop down next to her.
"Hey Hannah. Have they started?" I ask conversationally.
"No" She replies.
The beginning of our exchange pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. After an hour on uncomfortable bleacher and a dozen attempts to begin a conversation rebuffed with monosyllabic responses I am pretty irritated. My muscles hurt, I am exhausted and despite having barely eaten my stomach is still churning.
"Hannah, is everything okay? You seem a bit off with me. Did I do something?" I ask, attempting a more direct approach.
"I'm fine. You didn't do anything." She replies coldly picking up her bag and walking away.
Usually I would be angered by a friend acting like this, especially a friend as sweet as Hannah so I am surprised when I feel the prickle of tears in my eyes. Even though I barely paid attention it is clear that both Jase and Brett did really well in the tryouts. They both come bounding up to where I am sitting elated and damp from the shower.
"Did you see us kick some serious butt out there?" Brett asks loudly.
"Yeah. That was great guys. I don't want to be a downer but do you mind if we leave. Marcia's waiting and I am beat" I smile so Brett knows that I am okay.
"Sure. Let's go. I'll see you tomorrow Brett" I brush my arm against his and he finds my elbow. We head outside and get into the car.
"You look exhausted" Marcia observes. She didn't want me to stay late to watch the tryouts.
"Thanks" I reply sarcastically leaning back in my seat.
"You can't stay after school any more. You should hold off on school newspaper until everything stabilizes" She suggest calmly.
I roll my eyes and don't bother replying.
"You shouldn't have stayed to watch my stupid tryout" Jase whispers guiltily so Marcia can't hear.
"I wanted to. You were great. Although I could have done without little Miss bizzaro's attitude" I answer.
"You lost me" Jase replies.
"Hannah was there. She was being so weird and barely talking to me. So I ask her what is going on and she just picks up her stuff and leave" I sigh with frustration.
"That is so un-Hannah-ish" Jase observes.
"I know. What is her problem? Did I do something?" I ask annoyed when tears start to form in my eyes again.
"Maybe you should just let it go for now? She'll talk when she is ready." He assures me.
"Because I am such a patient person" I joke snuggling closer to him.
Despite Marcia's protesst I insist that I can rest and have Jase keep me company for a while. We watch the beginning of Mystery team before he leaves to start his homework. Marcia convinces me to try some dinner. I eat a little and go to sleep.
I am jolted awake by a wave of nausea that send me running to the bathroom. The heaving is so violent that I wake up Marcia. She holds back my hair and gets me some water but there is nothing else she can do. Even after the only thing coming up is bile the retching continues. It is 4 hours before I it calms down and I can get up. I brush my teeth wearily and tentatively drink some water before collapsing back into bed.
The next morning I am a zombie floating through school. When we arrive at the treatment centre I want to weep when Trish comes in holding the IV bag. I take a deep breath. The feeling when the IV starts is a bit more familiar. I don't feel like talking today so I lean back in the recliner and before I know it I am asleep. When I wake up it is time to leave. This time the vomiting starts in the car but Marcia was prepared and brought a bucket. The motion of the car and the vomiting leaves me miserable and I cannot wait to install myself on the comfy-stationary- sofa. I rest before dinner. I choke down some carrots for dinner and go to bed.
The next two weeks are pretty rough. My hair starts to fall out. I am always tired, my stomach is constantly churning and it takes all my energy just to turn up at school and stay on top of my assignments. In my third week I break through my wall- I finally find a medication that takes the edge off the nausea and that miraculously returns a lot of my energy. Marcia and I are on our way to pick up Jase- we are actually having a conversation instead of me grunting in the back seat trying not to blow chunks. I actually enjoyed my breakfast for the first time since I started chemo. I head out to get Jase.
"Hey! You came out to get me? Don't I feel special?" He says after I greet him with a kiss and begin to lead him to the car.
"You are special. How did wrestling practice go?" I ask. Jase had practice so we didn't ride home together yesterday.
"It was awesome. Coach is going to give me a chance in the 150 weight class at the meet on Saturday. Do you think you'll be up to coming?" He asks hopefully.
I wait for Marcia and Jase to exchange greetings as we enter the car. She teases him and he teases back. I wonder if it is weird that my boyfriend and my sister get along so well.
"What time is the meet? I have chemo on saturday." I ask.
"It's at 9am" He answers.
"Cool then I can come" I assure him "I'll paint a sign and everything. It's the first big meet right? Does it make up for me missing the pep rally?" I missed the pep rally where Jase got his letterman jacket with his track and wrestling teams.
Morning classes pass relatively quickly. We are sitting outside at lunch time. Even though it is freezing I cannot deal with the smell of high school cafeteria and I am still getting a tonne of stares thanks to my new haircut. Jase and I are making out in an attempt to keep warm and he runs his hands down my head. He says he loves the way my buzzed head feels; which is weird, but I am grateful he isn't grossed out by it. When I woke up to clumps of hair on my pillow I figured it would be easier to buzz it all off and start again rather than watch it fall off slowly. It was a triumph for exactly two minutes. I can already see the fuzz thinning. It looks like I am going to be bald. No way around it.
Jase senses my distraction and breaks the kiss.
"Where are you?" He asks.
"I was just thinking we should go out on a date." I answer.
"Are you up for that?" He asks.
"Yeah. As long as we avoid anywhere with food smells. Do you want to go to that open mic thing?" The whole town has been papered with posters for a few days now. It's going to be held at the University campus nearby.
"Yeah. Sounds good. Actually, really good. It feels like it's been forever. I could get my brother to drive us. I think he is going." Jase offers.
"Cool. Is he going by himself? That's kind of sad" I note.
"It kind of sounds like a date. I'll check with him" He decides.
"Good idea. Baby brother and cancer chick in the back seat may put a damper on the evening" I laugh.
Preparing for a date is slightly different when you have a severe looking buzz cut and a gaunt look from losing weight. Make up is no longer optional but must be caked on liberally preferably with a trowel. The perfect outfit is now something that doesn't hang on you, that covers up your catheter and keeps you warm so you are not shivering your way through the evening. Seasickness bands are an awesome accessory- convince yourself that this is true. Big earrings will let everyone know that even though you do not have any hair you are, in fact, a girl. Finally I stand in front of my full length mirror eyeing myself critically. Not bad, my print sheath dress works my new skinny-ness to my advantage, my boots are lined with knee high socks so I am warm and comfortable and all the makeup I am wearing masks the sickly sheen on my face. My buzz cut makes my eyes look huge which I think is actually kind of sexy. Maybe I'll go for a pixie cut when all this is done. I throw on a comfy knee length sweater and grab my bag before heading downstairs to wait for Jase.
"Oh wow. You look nice," Marcia notes as I join her and Dudders in the living room "And the Chanel purse? How hot is this date?" Marcia asks.
"About two weeks worth of hot" I smile plopping down on the couch.
"Ah the old use fine leather goods to attract your blind boyfriend. You definitely seem to know the way to a man's heart" Dudders observes sarcastically not taking his eyes off the television.
"Last time I checked squatters weren't allowed to make helpful comments. Did you go over the house rules with him?" I ask my sister.
"Be nice. Dudders and I have been talking and he is willing to give Colorado a chance. He asked his father for a leave of absence and has gotten a job lecturing English at the University. So how would you feel about upgrading him from squatter to roommate?" She asks giddily.
"I would love that. Your father was really al right with all this?" I ask sceptically. Thomas Dudley the original was not really known for his open mindedness. It had taken every trick in my sisters arsenal on top of out Fathers impeccable blood line and wealth to convince him to accept my half black sister as a potential addition to the family.
"Not really but he agreed to give me a year anyway. So I have a year before we have to talk about it again. But he did threaten to come visit" He confesses.
"What?" Marcia asks whipping around to face him. The doorbell rings as they are in the middle of bickering and I take that as my cue to leave.
Jase is waiting at the door. He is wearing the pair of jeans that I absolutely love on him, a buttoned up shirt, skinny tie and his pea coat. He smells amazing.
"You look delicious" I say as I drink in every detail.
"Thanks Marcia. Could you get Aisha for me?" He says. He follows his little joke with a cocky smile. It's a smile that has been coming out more and more since he started playing sports. Although Brett and Eli are still his closest friends but the notoriety of being the cute new wrestling star has not hurt his confidence.
"You are lucky you are so cute," I joke grabbing my scarf from the coat stand and joining him outside.
"I'm lucky you think I'm cute" He laughs.
I am having such a good time laughing and talking to Jase as we wait for the bands to start up I am surprised to hear Brett's voice. He has an angry looking Hannah in tow.
"Hey guys! I thought it was you. I didn't know you were coming to this. Do you mind if we join you?" Brett asks.
Jase has a concerned expression on his face. I squeeze his knee to let him know I am okay. The venue is filling up quickly. If we don't let them sit with us they won't find anywhere else. I motion for them to sit. Hannah looks sickened by the prospect. The conversation becomes slightly awkward given Hannah won't address me directly but I am determined to have a good time. The first band is hilariously terrible and Jase, Brett and I are doubled over with the giggles as they finish their set. Brett announces he needs to use the toilet and Jase joins him. Hannah has her whole body turned away from me. We sit in silence for ten minutes. I am craning my neck looking for the boys when I spot them at the bar angling for the bartenders attention.
"Hannah, I don't know what happened between us. I don't really care. I just miss you" I exhale. I honestly wasn't expecting my words to do anything so I am surprised when she bursts into tears. I don't even think about moving closer and putting my arm around her even though I know from painful experience that this position tugs awkwardly at my catheter.
"What is going on?" I ask.
"I am so sorry"
"For what?"
"For being such a bitch to you when you needed a friend when all you have ever been to me" Her sobs become heavier and she can barely speak. I rub her back until she stops crying.
"I forgive you Hannah. I was never even really mad, just confused. What has been going on with you?" I ask gently. This sets her off again but nowhere near as bad as the last time. We sit for a while; her crying and me comforting her until she starts to talk.
"I was so mad at you" She confesses.
"What did I do?"
"You got sick" She admits sheepishly "Who told you you could do that? Who gave you permission to become my best friend and then just..."
I am too stunned to speak.
"My Mum died of cancer. My Dad barely qualifies as an adult let alone a parent. But there was you and our little crew and on my birthday weekend I felt like, I'm going to be okay- this is my family and I am going to be okay. And Brett kissed me. All these great things happened for me. I am so scared they are all going to go away. I am so scared and it was easier to be mad. Because maybe if we weren't friends anymore it wouldn't hurt as much.." She trailed off for the second time inhaling a deep snotty breath.
"If I died," I finish deadpan.
"I am the worst" She finishes.
"Yeah you are pretty terrible" I giggle. She looks shocked but then she relents and joins me.
"I am so sorry" She states simply grasping my hand.
"It's okay. Look, I wish I could promise I am never going to die. I am awesome but I am also human. I like being alive a lot more when we are friends"
"Can we be friends again?" She asks tearfully.
Instead of answering I give her a hug. Happy tears fall down my face.
"You actually look really good with your hair like that.." She says as we pull away both snotty messes.
"So I know our date night wasn't quite what we wanted but I still had fun. Thank you" I say to Jase as we say our goodbyes outside my front door. His brother hoots impatiently and Jase raises his middle finger at the bushes. I help him out by directing it to the car. He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. We keep his brother waiting for another 15 minutes.
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