There was a boy a boy who filled all the space in my tiny studio
Whose grotty rucksack filled my one room with strange
boy- manly bits and bobs
Every corner overpowered by his
boy-manly smell

His hands moved when he spoke
Urging me to pay attention
to follow along
to respond
He leaned forward when I spoke
His hands still
but still drawing out my words
They ran to him
Leapt into his waiting hands
still but beckoning
My words like neglected puppies.

There was a boy, a boy who took up all the room
Who touched me without asking
Without hesitation as if referencing some prior agreement
Like my body was nothing more than an extension of his
to give pleasure and to take it
I have never wanted to belong to anyone
But I co opted my body and we owned them both jointly
My skin flushed at my touch
His breathe quickened with his kiss
His breast and my hand and my dick and his lips and it was all
a jumble

There was a boy who took up all the room
and filled everything with a thing that I never knew existed
A thing that made me want to open up and open wide and let it all in
brimming and gagging
Wipe the excess of my face with the back of my hand smiling indulgently at the waste
at the abundance.
I couldn't stop smiling even in the dark
My feet pressed lightly against his- confirming
As we shared secrets and dreams and plans
And listened to eachothers breathing and teased
Giggling
I could not stop smiling because it felt like the beginning of everything
I never knew to hope for
Of what life was meant to be like.

And he sent out three words
emissaries in the dark that held in them
A promise and a prison and hope and a tremor of uncertainty
Their weightlessness took my breath away.

There was a boy who left behind so many empty spaces
and I knew through him how awful and lonely this world can be
Before I didn't know any better
How do you thank someone for a lesson that cannot be unlearned?

This is a new place
She noted that as she looked around
A place she knew nothing about
That knew nothing of her
A new place, its nature still unknown
surface unscratched
secrets unsold.

This new place seemed impossible
When judged from the cusp of
the old
The place she thought she once knew
(truth be told- already fading)
That she hoped knew something of her
(truth be told- seems unlikely)
The chasm between the old and new is where she stood poised
For a long while
deciding- to leap or surrender
The old place was no place for the living
The new place was no place for you
And so suspended- she toyed with both
static, stasis, stuck
Apologising over and over to ghosts
who have abandoned the language of forgiveness
who refuse to negotiate
A thousand? she offers-
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry for letting go- for contemplating jumping
for being seduced my momentum.
For waking up every morning to find a new little piece lost
The specifics of a smell- underneath the cologne, the toothpaste
the deoderant
What was that underneath smell?

She knows with a terrible certainty that even on the cusp
things are lost- piece by piece blown over the edge
This is how entire mountains are lost
Deserts shifted
sorry sorry sorry sorry
"They do not respond
which must mean, hang on, keep trying, keep paying" she reasons.
sorry sorry sorry sorry
In truth no one is listening- no one is there
and the ghosts that offer no replies
have moved by their own waves to their own new place.

"Given the impossibility of truly hanging on to things
The new place isn't good or bad- just new
And further away from you"
she jumps
And lands on her feet
(which is a pleasant surprise)
In a new place.

The taste of metal fills my mouth

It starts in the back of my throat and creeps forward,

Someday is closer today than it ever has been

As I waited for the big bang that signalled the beginning

I missed the chequered flag

My life may have started without me.

I was young

I didn't feel my dreams turn into compromise

turn into excuses

turned to delusions

I didn't feel the point where my studied cynicism

turned into actual cynicism

turned into genuine jadedness

Stopped being cool

Made me cold

I look around and all my promise

has turned to shit

And every year I am less and less

of what I was supposed to be.

part 14

Over the next month Jason and I fall into a routine. I drive us to school, we go to class, we have lunch with Brett, Eli and Hannah and after school I drive us to a secluded spot that Eli told me about and we make out for a couple of hours before heading home to start on our homework. On Wednesday and Friday I practice with Eli and on Saturdays we go to the skate park and try out tricks. The weeks fly by and before I know it I have been living in Everwood for six weeks. Everyday it gets easier but the key is routine. Luckily Marcia has always been a control freak so the house runs smoothly powered by lists and rotas. We haven't spoken about our parent's since the night she broke down- we talk about everything else though; school, what we ate and boys. Marcia started dating the deputy sheriff Mark. He is sweet and good looking in an extremely conventional sense but he is a small town boy in every good and bad sense and I wonder how long he will be able to hold my sister's attention. Although judging from the very loud noises from her bedroom and the spring in her step the next morning there are other factors at play. I've been thinking about sex a lot. Everything feels so distant nowadays. I'm terrified to engage with my life because there are so many uncontrollable elements. Making out with Jason connects us but in small controlled doses. Sex seems like the perfect way to just feel something good and up the dosage. I find it a bit tricky to rationalise away the huge holes in my theory so I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I'm more sure. It is really hard to control myself when we are hot and heavy in the car.

It starts to snow. Winter comes on hard and fast in Colorado. One week in and it seems like it has always been this cold and will always be this cold. The Londoner in me knows there isn't a point in complaining at least winter here has a romantic ferocity to it. It beats dreary grey. Jason would beg to differ. He sits on my bed on a snowy Friday afternoon complaining about his brother as we listen to music.

"I'm going to stop you right there grumpy pants" I sigh covering his mouth and stopping him mid sentence "We both know you are annoyed because we can't skateboard today and because of what happened yesterday. It wasn't bad, hardly anyone saw and no one laughed so just chill out and enjoy the fact that we are warm and toasty indoors, Eli has detention and it is perfect make out weather" I lean in close initiating a kiss but he stiffens and pulls away.

"No one laughed because they felt sorry for me" he grumbles. I pause before I reply kicking myself for bringing it up.

"No one laughed because it wasn't funny. A dumb kid intentionally ignores the wet floor sign slips and lands on his bum in the middle of the hallway; that is funny. You can't see the sign so the element of wilful stupidity is gone and it stops being funny. You throw the comedic formula off balance." I explain animatedly.

"That isn't all there is to it and you know it"

"Maybe not entirely but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've fallen, right? It probably won't be the last and now that you're mainstreaming there might always be someone to watch again, probably..." I trail off.

"So I should just get over it?" He asks cocking his eyebrow and leaning against me. The heat of his body against mine makes me wish we could stop talking.

"Your words but yes. You should." I can tell he has softened so I try again for the kiss. He returns it briefly before pushing me away. He keeps his hands on my shoulder before finding my face and cupping both his hands around it. I hate it when he does this. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

"What? I hate to be an ass but you are giving me serious blue balls here" I joke appropriating the Brett's crude frat boy lingo.

"Do you want to go out? On a date. On Saturday?"

"A date? Don't you think we are kind of past that?" I smile suggestively.

"I've been thinking about it and this has been fun but I don't want to be friends with benefits with you. I want to be with you. In a couple. As the boyfriend. This could really be something."

"I thought you weren't ready?"

"I am now" He replies quietly determined.

My heart is thumping in my chest. I know that if I say yes I am saying yes to a lot more than a date. I am scared shitless of what "more" might entail. Jason dropped his hands from my face and is fiddling with them on his lap as he waits for a response. I realize that as uncomfortable as I am with feeling that vulnerable I hate it even more when he stops. A random memory pops into my head my Dad said that falling in love with my Mother after his first wife left him was one of the most scary things he had ever done and when I asked why he did it he told me that not being with her was more terrifying.

"I'd like that" I clear my throat hoping he didn't hear the catch in my voice. I know he did though. He smiles sweetly finding my face and instead of kissing me he just rests his nose against mine. I smile because of what a strange thing it is to do. After a beat I kiss his nose and move away laughing.

"Okay well I'll leave on that high note. See you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7" He says as he finds his cane and backpack preparing to leave.

"You'll pick me up?"

"Just be ready by 7" he laughs as he heads out the door. I stop myself from offering to guide him to his house. He gets extremely annoyed when people don't trust him to know what he can handle. Still I watch him navigate the stairs from my bedroom trying to be stealthy. I know I am busted when he at the bottom of the stairs he turns his gaze upwards and sighs melodramatically "If you're going to spy you may as well take me home. I'll probably need some help with the snow."

part 13

The most awful thing about drinking is that just when you have the perfect buzz going and nothing seems to matter and everything is hilarious you are periliously close to tipping over into ugly, sloppy, way too honest and slutty drunk. My head is swimming. We met up with Brett and Eli at Nina's. Brett was showing off his new fake ID which he took for a spin at a local convenience store. I paid for the booze so we were able to afford quite a bit. Brett's sister Amy met up with us and we headed to Eli's basement. Someone put on some music and I began to hand out shots of tequila. Although I have probably been drinking a lot more than these guys because of England's much laxer attitudes toward alcohol I am not what anyone would consider a heavy weight and four shots in I am grinding against Amy without a care in the world. The boys are being lame and not dancing so we are having our own party passing the bottle between us. Brett is staring intently at me and I move my body in response to his gaze getting a high off of his attention and the fact that the boy I do like is in the corner jamming with Eli. He plays the drums while Eli messes around with a jazz riff on the piano. Bored with Brett's attention I stumble over to Jase placing myself awkwardly on his lap and laying my head in the crook of his shoulder trying to supress a booze belch. Jase runs his hands through my hair "Someone's a little drunk" he cooes sympathetically. "Will you take me outside please Jase?" I can feel myself starting to cry and I don't want to freak anyone out. Luckily his drunken confidence means he doesn't think too hard about the logistics of my request before acquiescing. Between us we manage to stumble out of the basement and into the cool air. I breathe in deeply willing the cool air into my flustered brain. Jase is standing uncertainly by the door with his hand on the door frame. We stand there in silence as I sober up. "I think I should get you home- it isn't too far to walk from here. I'll come back for my car tomorrow" I suggest. He is visibly relieved that I have come up with a plan. We grab our coats shouting quick good byes in the direction of the basement and set off into the cool night. The sound of Jase's cane clicking against the pavement punctuates our footsteps. A wave of nausea crashes over me and I dry heave into the bushes. After a while some vomit actually comes out and once my stomach is empty I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt not caring how disgusting it is. Jase hands me his handkerchief and I thank him for it. We find his house and I drop him off wishing him luck with facing his Mother and promising to be there to take him to school. I get home and rip off all my clothes and crawl into bed. I lie in the darkness and realise that I feel completely hollow- there is the dull constant ache for my parents but beyond that nothing. It is completely terrifying and it takes me a while to fall asleep.

I finally get up properly at 2pm after kicking Marcia out of my room twice when she tried to get me to go work out with her or to go shopping with her. I finally force myself up- my head is pounding and I have a wicked case of heartburn but I feel so low that I know it is more than that. I almost head back to bed until I remember that I have to pick up my car. I call Eli to let him know that I am on my way. I shower and get dressed quickly grimacing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Eli answers the door in his boxers and we chat briefly before I leave him to deal with his own hangover. He spills that Brett invited over some girls after we left and hooked up with one of them. He admits it sheepishly searching my face for a reaction.I don't care and I can't muster the strength to pretend instead I tell him Brett and I aren't exclusive. He fills me in on the fuzzy moments of the night before and I laugh even though it isn't funny. His stories make me realize that Jason must be more angry with me than I remember. Once in the car I head over to Jase's house. I spend ten minutes steadying myself before I head in and knock on the front door.He invites me in. I make a weak joke about being wasted and he doesn't even crack a smile. I decide to be upfront "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more helpful last night. You were crying and trashed and I couldn't even figure out how to get us home. Most of the time I can convince myself that I'm normal but something happens to remind me of how much it matters."

"I'm sorry I got drunk. I thought it would help." Before I can stop myself the flood gates open and I am racked with sobs. I can't stop. I cry until my stomach cramps and my throat is dry. Jase just holds me- close and tight. When I am finally done he gives me a final squeeze before suggesting we got for a walk. Once outside he hugs me close to his side. It makes guiding him awkward but I don't mind. We walk in silence for 10 minutes before he asks me gently if I want to talk about it.

"I hadn't cried for them until then. I was so afraid that if I started I would never stop. I'm so angry.Everything I have felt since they died has been tainted with sadness. I'm so scared it will always be like that but I am even more terrified that it will stop and they will just fade away."

His hand reaches up and he finds my face cupping it in both his hands gently before leaning in and giving me the best kiss of my life. I feel the kiss everywhere- the world goes quiet but every sensation in my body is heightened. My heart fills up so fast it hurts but I am at peace. I return the kiss tentatively at first but then I deepen it. It is something to hold on to.

part 12

On Saturday Marcia surprises me with brunch at the local country club. "How on earth did you get us approved for membership so fast?" I ask unable to keep the awe out of my voice.

"I have my ways. My ways may involve being vouched for by the Mayor. We're still pending board approval though."

"And how did that feel whoring yourself based on a job you've only had for a week?" Not really caring since the food is delicious.

"Not as good as the real life whoring you did on our front step last night" she segues smoothly.

"You saw that?" I keep my voice bright but a hint of shame involuntarily creeps in.

"Yes I saw that. Is that shame in your eyes little sister? Why on earth would you be ashamed of scoring a hottie your very first week at school. He seems lovely" She isn't getting a response from me as I am intently studying my menu.

"Is this about Jase?"she continues unperturbed. I involuntarily respond to his name "Aaah so why did you accept a date from Brett then?" I decide to engage in the conversation I am in desperate need of guidance.

"Because Jase didn't ask and Brett did but I have a feeling that they don't dispose of eachother as casually as we did at our incestous boarding school and I think that by dating his friend I am totally burning any and all potential bridges for me and Jase."

"After one date?" Marcia asks sceptically.

"You should have seen how he reacted when he heard I was going on the date. You know how in those American shows they are always staring soulfully at something. I think that brooding shit might actually be rooted in a bizarre truth about Americans."

"You are exaggerating. People were always casualties of you and Siobhan's reckless ways at school. You guys were just too callous to notice and assumed everyone was as bizarrely cynical about sex as you were. I think you may be" she punctuates the end of her statement with a theatrical gasp "maturing".

I pour some more maple syrup on my stack of pancakes before cutting into them and chewing contemplatively.

"Well at least your whoring granted us access to amazing pancakes. Thank you." I say. The rest of brunch passes with Marcia regaling me with tales of the politics at the Mayor's office. Jase is on my mind as we drive home. Maybe it has something to do with my parents. Maybe now that I know what real pain is I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone. Maybe I'm just growing up but the most terrifying maybe is that maybe I just don't want to hurt Jase. Maybe he is a person I care about too much to to do something to screw it all up. Ironically this makes me want to date Brett just set the whole fucking thing on fire because I don't know if I want anyone to have that power over me. recognize this as the most cowardly option but I am resolved to do this when the phone buzzes with a text from Jase asking if I want to hang out. I text back that I should be home in a little bit and I can pick him up in 15 minutes. We can go exploring. I brush aside the ridiculousness of my resolve being weakened by a text message.

A little while later I am standing inside Jase's kitchen chatting with his Mum while she unpacks some kitchen stuff. I am telling Tina about my first week of school and enjoying myself but soon Jase starts taps his folded up cane impatiently against the door frame reminding me who I came to pick up.

"Hate to break up this love fest Mum but we have plans" he says.

"We do?" I ask.

"We do" he insists following my voice and tentatively reaching toward me. When he finds me he grabs my arm and leads me toward the door.

"Why couldn't we stay?" I ask as we head to the car, "You know as well as I do that we have absolutely no plans."

"I need your help with something" he declares once we are in the car. He has a large rucksack with him that has piqued my interest considerably.

"What's up?" I prompt.

"I thought we could go skateboarding. You could teach me how we could use the school parking lot. It's should be empty on a Saturday. I have my brother's boards in the bag. Say yes. Please?" he is flushed with excitement.

"Of course. It sounds like fun. Why all the secrecy though?" I ask as I pull the car out of the driveway.

"Are you kidding my mother may actually give birth to an actual barn animal if she finds out that I've been skateboarding. She won't let me ride a bike. She barely lets me use scissors." he scoffs.

"Um maybe if your Mum doesn't want you doing it. We shouldn't do it. You could get hu.."

"I'm going to stop you right there and remind you that I already have one suffocating Mother. Nothing bad will happen. I brought helmets and you claim to be a great skate boarder so you should be able to show me some moves, right?" he interrupts.

I roll my eyes instantly regretting bragging about my skating skills.

"Fine. Let's do it but if your Mum breaks up with me I will be very annoyed with you" I know when I am fighting a losing battle and I do love skateboarding. Jase smiles cockily. He reaches out to the dashboard grazing over the dials lightly before locating the volume knob and turning the volume up. My stomach sinks involuntarily watching him take so much care to do something so little there is such a sad grace in the way his fingers read the world. Terrified that he might sense my pity I over compensate by singing along to the radio to my surprise he joins me and we perform a unique rendition of Ironic by Alanis Morissette.

"I found a nineties station and was taking a little walk down memory lane" I explain once the song is over.

"Have I said how much I love that you are a car singer?" there is a catch in his voice when he says the word love that makes me unsure of how to respond. The silence hangs heavy between us for a beat before he clears his throat and asks "How was your date?"

"It was fine. Good." Before I can control it an uncomfortable flush is rising up my face. I shift nervously in my seat and open the window relishing the chill in the air on my face.

"Just fine?" He asks. He coughs in an attempt to feign nonchalance but I heard the unmistakable tenor of hope in his voice. I find myself wishing Jase wasn't such an open book and it dawns on me that he may actually be inscrutible to everyone but me. It probably goes both ways. I decide to be honest.

"Yes. Just fine. It was a good date and I like Brett but um....."

"But what?" he asks his voice is searching it is doing whatever the vocal equivalent of squinting is. I have no idea how to respond.

I begin haltingly peering intently at the fence of the school we are now parked in. "Before I would have gone out with Brett a few more times, fooled around with him, refused to define it and we would have drifted on to other people or I would have bolted when he started to have real feelings. Feelings beyond just hanging out and having fun. I hate the bullshit of high school relationships- when people infer all this meaning on to relationship that they must know isn't real. I guess I'm not built to be in a relationship that works because both people desperately want to see certain things in the other person. To be in love with love. I believe in love but I think its so much rarer and harder than anyone wants to accept and I know that the effort involved means finding the right person to love, who makes love worth it...... Anyway now it's like I can't just have fun with Brett and it might have to do with my parents or it might have to do with you but I can't. And I have no idea where that leaves me."

"I guess" He replies and I put my hand over his mouth "You don't have to say anything. We don't have to talk about it" I insist. He removes my hand from his mouth with exaggerated care letting it rest in his lap covered in his. His fingers are warm, slightly freckled, long and strong. I know it is a bad sign when you drink in details about a boy like this. I tune in to what he is saying.

"Kinda fucked?It leaves you knowing with the right person the work and the risk is worth it."

"Are you sure I'm not just looking for people to see me and really know me who I can know to act as some sort of ineffective buffer against oblivion?My nuclear family was recently halved." I say it darkly but add a bleak unconvincing chuckle at the end so he can laugh it off as a joke if he wants to.

"Maybe but to wanting to know and to be known pretty much sums up everything right? You're a bit raw but who isn't once you scratch the surface?"

I imagine Siobhan miming hanging herself if she had to listen to this. I decide to bring some levity to the situation. "And when did you get so wise?" I ask laughingly.

"I um had cancer, lost my sight and dealt with all that stuff at all before I got my first armpit hair. Somewhere in between all that the wisdom magic happened. I have a theory that it is connected to all the hospital jello I ate "

"What colour jello?" I ask teasingly.

"Umm.. red. It was definitely red. Now we came here to teach me to skate remember?" I laugh and open the door. As I move over to the passenger side I notice Jase groping around the back seat looking for the back pack. I am just about to offer to help when he finds it smiling triumphantly and hands it to me as he gets out of the car and opens up his cane. I allow him to find my elbow and lead him to the centre of the parking lot. I wordlessly unpack the backpack handing him a helmet and quickly doing a few loops on one of the boards just to get reacquainted. I stare at Jase as I skate around trying to decide how to tackle this.

"Aisha?" I can tell trying to follow my position as I spin around him is confusing so I stop.

"I'm just trying to figure out how to do this. Let's try this here" I place the other skateboard near him and situate his lead foot on the front of the board. I assume since he is right handed that he is right footed.

"Okay so you want to stay balanced on the deck and push off with your other foot. Coasting is pretty easy. Do you want to try?" I ask. "I'll.. uh.. hold your hand while you do just until you get your balance" I reassure him.

"Okey dokey" He giggles nervously before pushing off slightly. I do a funny little side jog beside him to keep up.

"Okay just push off until you gain some momentum and then let the pushing foot rest on the board behind you" he does this.

"Wow. Good job. You're doing it." He has a death grip on my hands so we circle the lot a couple of time with me holding his hand and jogging alongside him. I can sense he is gaining confidence so I suggest he goes alone and I will shout out obstacles. He nods and I let him go. He pushes off confidently and coasts on his own for an impressive a hundred metres in a straight line. I jog up to him and he turns excitedly "Did you see that?" he asks reaching out to find me. I move into where his hand is and he scoops me up in a bear hug. "I saw. Really good. Do you want to try turning and stopping?" He nods excitedly stooping down searching for his skateboard.

"You might want to keep that in your hands when you stop. I see incredible potential for a cartoon fall" I pick up the board and hand it to him and he nods his thanks. We practice turning and stopping. Jase is intensely focused on the task at hand but my mind keeps drifting to the way his neck tenses when he pushes off. I am shifting his hips into position when I am suddenly hyper aware of his firm torso beneath my fingers I turn and look into his eyes carefully noting for the first time that his pupils are dilated strangely and that it adds to the vagueness of his gaze. Still his eyes are so clear it seems odd that they serve no purpose.

"Aisha" I am startled by his voice as it jolts me from my reverie " I can feel you staring" he states smilingly.

"That's because I am staring. As a good looking person that's just your burden to bear isn't it? Now go again. This time faster." I encourage. He pushes off hard but loses balance and lands heavily on his forearms cursing loudly. I run to his side.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I kneel on the ashphalt examining his scraped arms. There are little pebbles of gravel embedded in the bloody bits. "Ouch this looks like it hurts" I exclaim as I blow gently on his arms.

"It's not so bad. That feels good. More please." He shuts his eyes and demands petulantly. His voice is gruff.I acquiesce blowing gently over the scrapped area for a few moments before dissolving into laughter.

"What?" As he asks his hands find me in the darkness and rest gently on the sides of my face.

I scold myself for how much I enjoy his hands on my cheeks. I feel myself flush at his touch.

"I was just thinking that I never saw my first blow job going like this" I mutter ashamed at breaking a lovely moment with a crude thought. His eyes widen with adorable shock at my words before giggling. He is still giggling as I help him to his feet pick up the skateboard and dust off his jeans. "I think we have done enough skateboarding today. You sacrificed your first piece of skin to the tarmac and I am freaking starving." I say as I lead him toward the car.

"How about I buy you some late lunch as a thank you for the amazing lesson?" He asks as we buckle up into the car.

"Sure, as long as we stop at my house first and put some antiseptic on your graze. My breathe doesn't kill as many germs as I would like it to."

"Sure" he presses on his grazes examining them with his fingertips. He has a strange half smile on his face as he does. "Why are you smiling? Doesn't that kill?" I ask. He seems startled at my question. Sometimes he gets so lost in what he is doing he doesn't realise that anyone is watching. He hesitates before answering "Actually this is the first time I've really hurt myself in ages. In a normal way, I mean, not walking down stairs or like slipping or tripping over something. I know how lame it sounds- I've been so sheltered."

"You shouldn't complain.For the most part it sounds like they managed to pull off every parent's dream. They kept you safe. You're lucky."

"I'm stifled."

Part 11

Some things will never change. Like me standing in front of a closet pre date wrapped in a towel trying to figure out what to wear. Standing in front of Marcia's closet to be specific honouring the age old tradition of little sisters pilfering clothes from their older siblings. I look at Marcia's perfectly colour coordinated wardrobe and decide against it. All her clothes are way too sophisticated and I have a feeling Brett might be more of a bowling or gaming arcade type of guy. I glance down at my watch and realise I only have 10 minutes before he comes by to pick me up. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in skype-ing my friend Siobhan. I miss her and although we stayed online for ages we may as well have been communicating from different universes. Our only common point of reference is a world I want to forget and my new world may be too foreign for Siobhan to relate to. Maybe if she comes to visit she will understand that I need space to come out of this however I come out of it. I don't need a hundred pairs of eyes trying to watch me back into the mould of the old me. Siobhan would piss herself laughing if she could hear my thoughts I think as I pull on my dress. She doesn't believe in self contemplation or self actualization and rolled her eyes through every metaphysical conversation we ever had at school. She said that people waste too much time worrying about being true to themselves "You are yourself you are being you I really don't understand how so many clever fucking people got caught up in such a ridiculous debate. You are what you do. Simple." She declared in the dining hall one night and to prove her point she grabbed Kristen her roommate who was sitting next to her and planted a kiss right on her she laughingly pulled a strand of her long blonde hair out of Kristen's lips which were slackly parted with shock "Kristen you wouldn't be upset if you weren't so invested in seeing yourself as straight. I on the other hand have it all figured out." She raised her glass in a toast and I clinked it with her noting her glassy green eyes and knowing that her glass was full of vodka and that she was the only one in school with the guts to drink so brazenly. I got caught up in more than a few of Siobhan's schemes and she got caught up in mine. The memory makes me decide to take a page out of her book. Tonight I am nobody other than a girl going out with a cute guy at her new school. I slick on some lip balm and am trying to decide on whether or not to wear a headband when the bell rings. I hear Brett's deep male voice laughing at something Marcia said. I slip on the headband, some patent flats and grab a cardigan and my purse as I head out of my room. I take a deep breathe to steady myself as I head down the stairs. I am just a girl going on a date with a cute guy at her new school. The problem with Siobhan's philosophy is that the past matters and ignoring it, living in the moment makes no difference. The past shapes the moment and it isn't long before my illusion shatters.

It was all fine at miniature golf. We joked easily with each other and giggled at Brett's horrible golf puns. He talked about himself mostly and a huge part of Brett's existence is sports related. I listened as he regaled me with stories about his sporting achievements, parties and team mates and I smiled and joked and laughed where it was appropriate. It was so easy that when he took my hand at the end of the game as we walked to the car I let him. We drove to the Italian restaurant where Marcia and I had our awful back to school dinner and that set me on edge but I composed myself- plastering on my smile and working upwards inch by inch trying to make it reach my eyes.

"So.. um.. How did you end up in Colorado?" Brett asks as we look at our menus.

"My parents died so my sister and I moved over here from London" I mumble into the menu too tired to think of a better answer.

"I know. I mean, I'm sorry but Eli kind of already told me and I just kind of wanted to give you an opening. To rip off the band aid and tell me. I am so sorry about your parents"

"It's okay" I close my eyes and count to five attempting to calm down.

"Do you mind me asking what happened?" he ventures.

"Yes. I mind. I'm sorry can we talk about something else? I can't handle this."

"Sure. Um Do you like twilight?" he asks handing over a crumpled handkerchief "My mum makes me carry them. It's not that dirty." I realise that there are tears streaming down my face.

"I uh.. like the sparkly vampire thing?" I have to smile as I wipe the tears off my face.

"That's what I thought at first until I realised that girls eat that stuff up and as a guy interested in teenage girls I needed to research and figure out why they like glittery bloodsuckers"

"And what did you deduce?"

He stares at me blankly.

"It means figure out. What did you figure?" I smile.

"That ah basically what your standard awkward average looking girl wants is for a perfect man to love her and only her forever. So I decided that twihards were a section of the girl population I would steer clear of" He notices my blank expression and clarifies "Twihards is like twilight die hards".

"Probably a safe call especially since 13 year olds like that book. Full disclosure I think the werewolf in the films is well fit"

"I like your accent" He smiles and easily reaches for my hand across the table. I like how confident Brett is it takes real self assurance not to be freaked out by my inappropriate display of emotions. The rest of the evening is awkward but a normal first date kind of awkward and we make it through. I comment on this as he walks me to my front door.

"I had fun. I mean even with the tears you are an amazing date." And he gives me the kind of look that cannot be misinterpreted. The kind of look that is equal parts searching, yearning and because it is Brett an undertone of cocky certainty. If we kiss it would be responding to this look and confirming all the things that it wants confirmed. The date was fun I like Brett and to be honest I have kissed boys with a lot less provocation but I am conflicted. Jase flashes into my mind unbidden and that seals it for me. I smile and lean in and Brett and I kiss. It's a nice kiss.