part 14

Over the next month Jason and I fall into a routine. I drive us to school, we go to class, we have lunch with Brett, Eli and Hannah and after school I drive us to a secluded spot that Eli told me about and we make out for a couple of hours before heading home to start on our homework. On Wednesday and Friday I practice with Eli and on Saturdays we go to the skate park and try out tricks. The weeks fly by and before I know it I have been living in Everwood for six weeks. Everyday it gets easier but the key is routine. Luckily Marcia has always been a control freak so the house runs smoothly powered by lists and rotas. We haven't spoken about our parent's since the night she broke down- we talk about everything else though; school, what we ate and boys. Marcia started dating the deputy sheriff Mark. He is sweet and good looking in an extremely conventional sense but he is a small town boy in every good and bad sense and I wonder how long he will be able to hold my sister's attention. Although judging from the very loud noises from her bedroom and the spring in her step the next morning there are other factors at play. I've been thinking about sex a lot. Everything feels so distant nowadays. I'm terrified to engage with my life because there are so many uncontrollable elements. Making out with Jason connects us but in small controlled doses. Sex seems like the perfect way to just feel something good and up the dosage. I find it a bit tricky to rationalise away the huge holes in my theory so I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I'm more sure. It is really hard to control myself when we are hot and heavy in the car.

It starts to snow. Winter comes on hard and fast in Colorado. One week in and it seems like it has always been this cold and will always be this cold. The Londoner in me knows there isn't a point in complaining at least winter here has a romantic ferocity to it. It beats dreary grey. Jason would beg to differ. He sits on my bed on a snowy Friday afternoon complaining about his brother as we listen to music.

"I'm going to stop you right there grumpy pants" I sigh covering his mouth and stopping him mid sentence "We both know you are annoyed because we can't skateboard today and because of what happened yesterday. It wasn't bad, hardly anyone saw and no one laughed so just chill out and enjoy the fact that we are warm and toasty indoors, Eli has detention and it is perfect make out weather" I lean in close initiating a kiss but he stiffens and pulls away.

"No one laughed because they felt sorry for me" he grumbles. I pause before I reply kicking myself for bringing it up.

"No one laughed because it wasn't funny. A dumb kid intentionally ignores the wet floor sign slips and lands on his bum in the middle of the hallway; that is funny. You can't see the sign so the element of wilful stupidity is gone and it stops being funny. You throw the comedic formula off balance." I explain animatedly.

"That isn't all there is to it and you know it"

"Maybe not entirely but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've fallen, right? It probably won't be the last and now that you're mainstreaming there might always be someone to watch again, probably..." I trail off.

"So I should just get over it?" He asks cocking his eyebrow and leaning against me. The heat of his body against mine makes me wish we could stop talking.

"Your words but yes. You should." I can tell he has softened so I try again for the kiss. He returns it briefly before pushing me away. He keeps his hands on my shoulder before finding my face and cupping both his hands around it. I hate it when he does this. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

"What? I hate to be an ass but you are giving me serious blue balls here" I joke appropriating the Brett's crude frat boy lingo.

"Do you want to go out? On a date. On Saturday?"

"A date? Don't you think we are kind of past that?" I smile suggestively.

"I've been thinking about it and this has been fun but I don't want to be friends with benefits with you. I want to be with you. In a couple. As the boyfriend. This could really be something."

"I thought you weren't ready?"

"I am now" He replies quietly determined.

My heart is thumping in my chest. I know that if I say yes I am saying yes to a lot more than a date. I am scared shitless of what "more" might entail. Jason dropped his hands from my face and is fiddling with them on his lap as he waits for a response. I realize that as uncomfortable as I am with feeling that vulnerable I hate it even more when he stops. A random memory pops into my head my Dad said that falling in love with my Mother after his first wife left him was one of the most scary things he had ever done and when I asked why he did it he told me that not being with her was more terrifying.

"I'd like that" I clear my throat hoping he didn't hear the catch in my voice. I know he did though. He smiles sweetly finding my face and instead of kissing me he just rests his nose against mine. I smile because of what a strange thing it is to do. After a beat I kiss his nose and move away laughing.

"Okay well I'll leave on that high note. See you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7" He says as he finds his cane and backpack preparing to leave.

"You'll pick me up?"

"Just be ready by 7" he laughs as he heads out the door. I stop myself from offering to guide him to his house. He gets extremely annoyed when people don't trust him to know what he can handle. Still I watch him navigate the stairs from my bedroom trying to be stealthy. I know I am busted when he at the bottom of the stairs he turns his gaze upwards and sighs melodramatically "If you're going to spy you may as well take me home. I'll probably need some help with the snow."

part 13

The most awful thing about drinking is that just when you have the perfect buzz going and nothing seems to matter and everything is hilarious you are periliously close to tipping over into ugly, sloppy, way too honest and slutty drunk. My head is swimming. We met up with Brett and Eli at Nina's. Brett was showing off his new fake ID which he took for a spin at a local convenience store. I paid for the booze so we were able to afford quite a bit. Brett's sister Amy met up with us and we headed to Eli's basement. Someone put on some music and I began to hand out shots of tequila. Although I have probably been drinking a lot more than these guys because of England's much laxer attitudes toward alcohol I am not what anyone would consider a heavy weight and four shots in I am grinding against Amy without a care in the world. The boys are being lame and not dancing so we are having our own party passing the bottle between us. Brett is staring intently at me and I move my body in response to his gaze getting a high off of his attention and the fact that the boy I do like is in the corner jamming with Eli. He plays the drums while Eli messes around with a jazz riff on the piano. Bored with Brett's attention I stumble over to Jase placing myself awkwardly on his lap and laying my head in the crook of his shoulder trying to supress a booze belch. Jase runs his hands through my hair "Someone's a little drunk" he cooes sympathetically. "Will you take me outside please Jase?" I can feel myself starting to cry and I don't want to freak anyone out. Luckily his drunken confidence means he doesn't think too hard about the logistics of my request before acquiescing. Between us we manage to stumble out of the basement and into the cool air. I breathe in deeply willing the cool air into my flustered brain. Jase is standing uncertainly by the door with his hand on the door frame. We stand there in silence as I sober up. "I think I should get you home- it isn't too far to walk from here. I'll come back for my car tomorrow" I suggest. He is visibly relieved that I have come up with a plan. We grab our coats shouting quick good byes in the direction of the basement and set off into the cool night. The sound of Jase's cane clicking against the pavement punctuates our footsteps. A wave of nausea crashes over me and I dry heave into the bushes. After a while some vomit actually comes out and once my stomach is empty I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt not caring how disgusting it is. Jase hands me his handkerchief and I thank him for it. We find his house and I drop him off wishing him luck with facing his Mother and promising to be there to take him to school. I get home and rip off all my clothes and crawl into bed. I lie in the darkness and realise that I feel completely hollow- there is the dull constant ache for my parents but beyond that nothing. It is completely terrifying and it takes me a while to fall asleep.

I finally get up properly at 2pm after kicking Marcia out of my room twice when she tried to get me to go work out with her or to go shopping with her. I finally force myself up- my head is pounding and I have a wicked case of heartburn but I feel so low that I know it is more than that. I almost head back to bed until I remember that I have to pick up my car. I call Eli to let him know that I am on my way. I shower and get dressed quickly grimacing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Eli answers the door in his boxers and we chat briefly before I leave him to deal with his own hangover. He spills that Brett invited over some girls after we left and hooked up with one of them. He admits it sheepishly searching my face for a reaction.I don't care and I can't muster the strength to pretend instead I tell him Brett and I aren't exclusive. He fills me in on the fuzzy moments of the night before and I laugh even though it isn't funny. His stories make me realize that Jason must be more angry with me than I remember. Once in the car I head over to Jase's house. I spend ten minutes steadying myself before I head in and knock on the front door.He invites me in. I make a weak joke about being wasted and he doesn't even crack a smile. I decide to be upfront "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more helpful last night. You were crying and trashed and I couldn't even figure out how to get us home. Most of the time I can convince myself that I'm normal but something happens to remind me of how much it matters."

"I'm sorry I got drunk. I thought it would help." Before I can stop myself the flood gates open and I am racked with sobs. I can't stop. I cry until my stomach cramps and my throat is dry. Jase just holds me- close and tight. When I am finally done he gives me a final squeeze before suggesting we got for a walk. Once outside he hugs me close to his side. It makes guiding him awkward but I don't mind. We walk in silence for 10 minutes before he asks me gently if I want to talk about it.

"I hadn't cried for them until then. I was so afraid that if I started I would never stop. I'm so angry.Everything I have felt since they died has been tainted with sadness. I'm so scared it will always be like that but I am even more terrified that it will stop and they will just fade away."

His hand reaches up and he finds my face cupping it in both his hands gently before leaning in and giving me the best kiss of my life. I feel the kiss everywhere- the world goes quiet but every sensation in my body is heightened. My heart fills up so fast it hurts but I am at peace. I return the kiss tentatively at first but then I deepen it. It is something to hold on to.

part 12

On Saturday Marcia surprises me with brunch at the local country club. "How on earth did you get us approved for membership so fast?" I ask unable to keep the awe out of my voice.

"I have my ways. My ways may involve being vouched for by the Mayor. We're still pending board approval though."

"And how did that feel whoring yourself based on a job you've only had for a week?" Not really caring since the food is delicious.

"Not as good as the real life whoring you did on our front step last night" she segues smoothly.

"You saw that?" I keep my voice bright but a hint of shame involuntarily creeps in.

"Yes I saw that. Is that shame in your eyes little sister? Why on earth would you be ashamed of scoring a hottie your very first week at school. He seems lovely" She isn't getting a response from me as I am intently studying my menu.

"Is this about Jase?"she continues unperturbed. I involuntarily respond to his name "Aaah so why did you accept a date from Brett then?" I decide to engage in the conversation I am in desperate need of guidance.

"Because Jase didn't ask and Brett did but I have a feeling that they don't dispose of eachother as casually as we did at our incestous boarding school and I think that by dating his friend I am totally burning any and all potential bridges for me and Jase."

"After one date?" Marcia asks sceptically.

"You should have seen how he reacted when he heard I was going on the date. You know how in those American shows they are always staring soulfully at something. I think that brooding shit might actually be rooted in a bizarre truth about Americans."

"You are exaggerating. People were always casualties of you and Siobhan's reckless ways at school. You guys were just too callous to notice and assumed everyone was as bizarrely cynical about sex as you were. I think you may be" she punctuates the end of her statement with a theatrical gasp "maturing".

I pour some more maple syrup on my stack of pancakes before cutting into them and chewing contemplatively.

"Well at least your whoring granted us access to amazing pancakes. Thank you." I say. The rest of brunch passes with Marcia regaling me with tales of the politics at the Mayor's office. Jase is on my mind as we drive home. Maybe it has something to do with my parents. Maybe now that I know what real pain is I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone. Maybe I'm just growing up but the most terrifying maybe is that maybe I just don't want to hurt Jase. Maybe he is a person I care about too much to to do something to screw it all up. Ironically this makes me want to date Brett just set the whole fucking thing on fire because I don't know if I want anyone to have that power over me. recognize this as the most cowardly option but I am resolved to do this when the phone buzzes with a text from Jase asking if I want to hang out. I text back that I should be home in a little bit and I can pick him up in 15 minutes. We can go exploring. I brush aside the ridiculousness of my resolve being weakened by a text message.

A little while later I am standing inside Jase's kitchen chatting with his Mum while she unpacks some kitchen stuff. I am telling Tina about my first week of school and enjoying myself but soon Jase starts taps his folded up cane impatiently against the door frame reminding me who I came to pick up.

"Hate to break up this love fest Mum but we have plans" he says.

"We do?" I ask.

"We do" he insists following my voice and tentatively reaching toward me. When he finds me he grabs my arm and leads me toward the door.

"Why couldn't we stay?" I ask as we head to the car, "You know as well as I do that we have absolutely no plans."

"I need your help with something" he declares once we are in the car. He has a large rucksack with him that has piqued my interest considerably.

"What's up?" I prompt.

"I thought we could go skateboarding. You could teach me how we could use the school parking lot. It's should be empty on a Saturday. I have my brother's boards in the bag. Say yes. Please?" he is flushed with excitement.

"Of course. It sounds like fun. Why all the secrecy though?" I ask as I pull the car out of the driveway.

"Are you kidding my mother may actually give birth to an actual barn animal if she finds out that I've been skateboarding. She won't let me ride a bike. She barely lets me use scissors." he scoffs.

"Um maybe if your Mum doesn't want you doing it. We shouldn't do it. You could get hu.."

"I'm going to stop you right there and remind you that I already have one suffocating Mother. Nothing bad will happen. I brought helmets and you claim to be a great skate boarder so you should be able to show me some moves, right?" he interrupts.

I roll my eyes instantly regretting bragging about my skating skills.

"Fine. Let's do it but if your Mum breaks up with me I will be very annoyed with you" I know when I am fighting a losing battle and I do love skateboarding. Jase smiles cockily. He reaches out to the dashboard grazing over the dials lightly before locating the volume knob and turning the volume up. My stomach sinks involuntarily watching him take so much care to do something so little there is such a sad grace in the way his fingers read the world. Terrified that he might sense my pity I over compensate by singing along to the radio to my surprise he joins me and we perform a unique rendition of Ironic by Alanis Morissette.

"I found a nineties station and was taking a little walk down memory lane" I explain once the song is over.

"Have I said how much I love that you are a car singer?" there is a catch in his voice when he says the word love that makes me unsure of how to respond. The silence hangs heavy between us for a beat before he clears his throat and asks "How was your date?"

"It was fine. Good." Before I can control it an uncomfortable flush is rising up my face. I shift nervously in my seat and open the window relishing the chill in the air on my face.

"Just fine?" He asks. He coughs in an attempt to feign nonchalance but I heard the unmistakable tenor of hope in his voice. I find myself wishing Jase wasn't such an open book and it dawns on me that he may actually be inscrutible to everyone but me. It probably goes both ways. I decide to be honest.

"Yes. Just fine. It was a good date and I like Brett but um....."

"But what?" he asks his voice is searching it is doing whatever the vocal equivalent of squinting is. I have no idea how to respond.

I begin haltingly peering intently at the fence of the school we are now parked in. "Before I would have gone out with Brett a few more times, fooled around with him, refused to define it and we would have drifted on to other people or I would have bolted when he started to have real feelings. Feelings beyond just hanging out and having fun. I hate the bullshit of high school relationships- when people infer all this meaning on to relationship that they must know isn't real. I guess I'm not built to be in a relationship that works because both people desperately want to see certain things in the other person. To be in love with love. I believe in love but I think its so much rarer and harder than anyone wants to accept and I know that the effort involved means finding the right person to love, who makes love worth it...... Anyway now it's like I can't just have fun with Brett and it might have to do with my parents or it might have to do with you but I can't. And I have no idea where that leaves me."

"I guess" He replies and I put my hand over his mouth "You don't have to say anything. We don't have to talk about it" I insist. He removes my hand from his mouth with exaggerated care letting it rest in his lap covered in his. His fingers are warm, slightly freckled, long and strong. I know it is a bad sign when you drink in details about a boy like this. I tune in to what he is saying.

"Kinda fucked?It leaves you knowing with the right person the work and the risk is worth it."

"Are you sure I'm not just looking for people to see me and really know me who I can know to act as some sort of ineffective buffer against oblivion?My nuclear family was recently halved." I say it darkly but add a bleak unconvincing chuckle at the end so he can laugh it off as a joke if he wants to.

"Maybe but to wanting to know and to be known pretty much sums up everything right? You're a bit raw but who isn't once you scratch the surface?"

I imagine Siobhan miming hanging herself if she had to listen to this. I decide to bring some levity to the situation. "And when did you get so wise?" I ask laughingly.

"I um had cancer, lost my sight and dealt with all that stuff at all before I got my first armpit hair. Somewhere in between all that the wisdom magic happened. I have a theory that it is connected to all the hospital jello I ate "

"What colour jello?" I ask teasingly.

"Umm.. red. It was definitely red. Now we came here to teach me to skate remember?" I laugh and open the door. As I move over to the passenger side I notice Jase groping around the back seat looking for the back pack. I am just about to offer to help when he finds it smiling triumphantly and hands it to me as he gets out of the car and opens up his cane. I allow him to find my elbow and lead him to the centre of the parking lot. I wordlessly unpack the backpack handing him a helmet and quickly doing a few loops on one of the boards just to get reacquainted. I stare at Jase as I skate around trying to decide how to tackle this.

"Aisha?" I can tell trying to follow my position as I spin around him is confusing so I stop.

"I'm just trying to figure out how to do this. Let's try this here" I place the other skateboard near him and situate his lead foot on the front of the board. I assume since he is right handed that he is right footed.

"Okay so you want to stay balanced on the deck and push off with your other foot. Coasting is pretty easy. Do you want to try?" I ask. "I'll.. uh.. hold your hand while you do just until you get your balance" I reassure him.

"Okey dokey" He giggles nervously before pushing off slightly. I do a funny little side jog beside him to keep up.

"Okay just push off until you gain some momentum and then let the pushing foot rest on the board behind you" he does this.

"Wow. Good job. You're doing it." He has a death grip on my hands so we circle the lot a couple of time with me holding his hand and jogging alongside him. I can sense he is gaining confidence so I suggest he goes alone and I will shout out obstacles. He nods and I let him go. He pushes off confidently and coasts on his own for an impressive a hundred metres in a straight line. I jog up to him and he turns excitedly "Did you see that?" he asks reaching out to find me. I move into where his hand is and he scoops me up in a bear hug. "I saw. Really good. Do you want to try turning and stopping?" He nods excitedly stooping down searching for his skateboard.

"You might want to keep that in your hands when you stop. I see incredible potential for a cartoon fall" I pick up the board and hand it to him and he nods his thanks. We practice turning and stopping. Jase is intensely focused on the task at hand but my mind keeps drifting to the way his neck tenses when he pushes off. I am shifting his hips into position when I am suddenly hyper aware of his firm torso beneath my fingers I turn and look into his eyes carefully noting for the first time that his pupils are dilated strangely and that it adds to the vagueness of his gaze. Still his eyes are so clear it seems odd that they serve no purpose.

"Aisha" I am startled by his voice as it jolts me from my reverie " I can feel you staring" he states smilingly.

"That's because I am staring. As a good looking person that's just your burden to bear isn't it? Now go again. This time faster." I encourage. He pushes off hard but loses balance and lands heavily on his forearms cursing loudly. I run to his side.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I kneel on the ashphalt examining his scraped arms. There are little pebbles of gravel embedded in the bloody bits. "Ouch this looks like it hurts" I exclaim as I blow gently on his arms.

"It's not so bad. That feels good. More please." He shuts his eyes and demands petulantly. His voice is gruff.I acquiesce blowing gently over the scrapped area for a few moments before dissolving into laughter.

"What?" As he asks his hands find me in the darkness and rest gently on the sides of my face.

I scold myself for how much I enjoy his hands on my cheeks. I feel myself flush at his touch.

"I was just thinking that I never saw my first blow job going like this" I mutter ashamed at breaking a lovely moment with a crude thought. His eyes widen with adorable shock at my words before giggling. He is still giggling as I help him to his feet pick up the skateboard and dust off his jeans. "I think we have done enough skateboarding today. You sacrificed your first piece of skin to the tarmac and I am freaking starving." I say as I lead him toward the car.

"How about I buy you some late lunch as a thank you for the amazing lesson?" He asks as we buckle up into the car.

"Sure, as long as we stop at my house first and put some antiseptic on your graze. My breathe doesn't kill as many germs as I would like it to."

"Sure" he presses on his grazes examining them with his fingertips. He has a strange half smile on his face as he does. "Why are you smiling? Doesn't that kill?" I ask. He seems startled at my question. Sometimes he gets so lost in what he is doing he doesn't realise that anyone is watching. He hesitates before answering "Actually this is the first time I've really hurt myself in ages. In a normal way, I mean, not walking down stairs or like slipping or tripping over something. I know how lame it sounds- I've been so sheltered."

"You shouldn't complain.For the most part it sounds like they managed to pull off every parent's dream. They kept you safe. You're lucky."

"I'm stifled."

Part 11

Some things will never change. Like me standing in front of a closet pre date wrapped in a towel trying to figure out what to wear. Standing in front of Marcia's closet to be specific honouring the age old tradition of little sisters pilfering clothes from their older siblings. I look at Marcia's perfectly colour coordinated wardrobe and decide against it. All her clothes are way too sophisticated and I have a feeling Brett might be more of a bowling or gaming arcade type of guy. I glance down at my watch and realise I only have 10 minutes before he comes by to pick me up. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in skype-ing my friend Siobhan. I miss her and although we stayed online for ages we may as well have been communicating from different universes. Our only common point of reference is a world I want to forget and my new world may be too foreign for Siobhan to relate to. Maybe if she comes to visit she will understand that I need space to come out of this however I come out of it. I don't need a hundred pairs of eyes trying to watch me back into the mould of the old me. Siobhan would piss herself laughing if she could hear my thoughts I think as I pull on my dress. She doesn't believe in self contemplation or self actualization and rolled her eyes through every metaphysical conversation we ever had at school. She said that people waste too much time worrying about being true to themselves "You are yourself you are being you I really don't understand how so many clever fucking people got caught up in such a ridiculous debate. You are what you do. Simple." She declared in the dining hall one night and to prove her point she grabbed Kristen her roommate who was sitting next to her and planted a kiss right on her she laughingly pulled a strand of her long blonde hair out of Kristen's lips which were slackly parted with shock "Kristen you wouldn't be upset if you weren't so invested in seeing yourself as straight. I on the other hand have it all figured out." She raised her glass in a toast and I clinked it with her noting her glassy green eyes and knowing that her glass was full of vodka and that she was the only one in school with the guts to drink so brazenly. I got caught up in more than a few of Siobhan's schemes and she got caught up in mine. The memory makes me decide to take a page out of her book. Tonight I am nobody other than a girl going out with a cute guy at her new school. I slick on some lip balm and am trying to decide on whether or not to wear a headband when the bell rings. I hear Brett's deep male voice laughing at something Marcia said. I slip on the headband, some patent flats and grab a cardigan and my purse as I head out of my room. I take a deep breathe to steady myself as I head down the stairs. I am just a girl going on a date with a cute guy at her new school. The problem with Siobhan's philosophy is that the past matters and ignoring it, living in the moment makes no difference. The past shapes the moment and it isn't long before my illusion shatters.

It was all fine at miniature golf. We joked easily with each other and giggled at Brett's horrible golf puns. He talked about himself mostly and a huge part of Brett's existence is sports related. I listened as he regaled me with stories about his sporting achievements, parties and team mates and I smiled and joked and laughed where it was appropriate. It was so easy that when he took my hand at the end of the game as we walked to the car I let him. We drove to the Italian restaurant where Marcia and I had our awful back to school dinner and that set me on edge but I composed myself- plastering on my smile and working upwards inch by inch trying to make it reach my eyes.

"So.. um.. How did you end up in Colorado?" Brett asks as we look at our menus.

"My parents died so my sister and I moved over here from London" I mumble into the menu too tired to think of a better answer.

"I know. I mean, I'm sorry but Eli kind of already told me and I just kind of wanted to give you an opening. To rip off the band aid and tell me. I am so sorry about your parents"

"It's okay" I close my eyes and count to five attempting to calm down.

"Do you mind me asking what happened?" he ventures.

"Yes. I mind. I'm sorry can we talk about something else? I can't handle this."

"Sure. Um Do you like twilight?" he asks handing over a crumpled handkerchief "My mum makes me carry them. It's not that dirty." I realise that there are tears streaming down my face.

"I uh.. like the sparkly vampire thing?" I have to smile as I wipe the tears off my face.

"That's what I thought at first until I realised that girls eat that stuff up and as a guy interested in teenage girls I needed to research and figure out why they like glittery bloodsuckers"

"And what did you deduce?"

He stares at me blankly.

"It means figure out. What did you figure?" I smile.

"That ah basically what your standard awkward average looking girl wants is for a perfect man to love her and only her forever. So I decided that twihards were a section of the girl population I would steer clear of" He notices my blank expression and clarifies "Twihards is like twilight die hards".

"Probably a safe call especially since 13 year olds like that book. Full disclosure I think the werewolf in the films is well fit"

"I like your accent" He smiles and easily reaches for my hand across the table. I like how confident Brett is it takes real self assurance not to be freaked out by my inappropriate display of emotions. The rest of the evening is awkward but a normal first date kind of awkward and we make it through. I comment on this as he walks me to my front door.

"I had fun. I mean even with the tears you are an amazing date." And he gives me the kind of look that cannot be misinterpreted. The kind of look that is equal parts searching, yearning and because it is Brett an undertone of cocky certainty. If we kiss it would be responding to this look and confirming all the things that it wants confirmed. The date was fun I like Brett and to be honest I have kissed boys with a lot less provocation but I am conflicted. Jase flashes into my mind unbidden and that seals it for me. I smile and lean in and Brett and I kiss. It's a nice kiss.

Part 10

The next day after school Jase and I are playing thumb wars by the car as we wait for Hannah to finish returning a book to the library. We are also discussing our Math homework. Jase is frustrated because the teacher hasn't gotten the hang of explaining his working out loud so Jase can follow without seeing the whiteboard. I am frustrated because Math is my worst subject. There is a chill in the air that signals the end of warm weather and I reach in my bag for a scarf. As I am putting it on I note the look of intense concentration on Jase's face. Was he sniffing me? I shake my head slightly and decide to let it go.

"What's up?" Jase asks and again I marvel at how he picks up on the slightest thing.

"I think I might be getting one of those filter things the ones that stop you saying every little thing that pops up in your brain" I reply.

"You are so weird" he laughs. Hannah walks up to the car her eyes are bright and I catch myself sizing up her reaction to Jase. She seems naturally curious but not interested. I catch myself on this dangerous line of thought before pulling myself back. Jase isn't mine, more generally people cannot belong to other people and Hannah can be interested in whoever she wants.

"Shall we?" I ask unlocking the car. We drive to Jase's house companionably. He is meeting the guys at the cafe so I don't feel bad about not inviting him. My circle of friends is shaping up to be quite the sausage fest so I appreciate the opportunity to have some girl time.

I unlock the door and kick of my shoes dropping my keys in the key bowl and invite Hannah in. "Wow" she comments, her eyes wide "this is a really nice house, it's just you and your sister here?".

"Thanks. Yup it's just us- do you want a tour?" She nods and I quickly show her around the house. We settle into our homework around the kitchen table. Half an hour later our homework has been abandoned in favour of idle gossip and snacking on mini brownies and tea. Hannah is hilarious and I am cracking up as she tells me about her date to the winter formal at her last school.

"I swear to sweet heaven he smelled like Doritos, desperation and old spice! I promised myself then that I was done with boys. College will be better- college men will be fascinated by my intellect and unconventional beauty" she declares dramatically. I gasp trying to catch my breathe as I double up with the giggles, sadly nothing brings straight girls together like boy talk- we had covered school, books, tv and music boys were the final step. Hannah obviously doesn't realise that there is no convention- not really. Life isn't television it is more accommodating and there is room for her. She was beautiful in such an amazing refreshing real way. I scrutinise her as she sips her tea her hand hovering over the plate as she decides whether or not to indulge in another brownie. Her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes are bright.

"So what about you?" She asks mock coyly arching her brow.

"What about me?" I reply innocently.

"Oh come on- you've been in school three days and everyone is already buzzing about the new hot English girl" she taunts. I laugh but I am just about to tell her about Jase and Brett when Marcia walks in with holding a pizza box.

"I broke down and rented a car- so wrong but I didn't want to have to wait for you to pick me up. Forgive me planet earth." She looks up and realises the presence of a stranger in her kitchen.

"Marcia this is my new friend Hannah" I introduce them. I can tell Hannah is in awe of my gorgeous sister and Marcia is pretty used to this reaction and immediately begins trying to put her at ease.

"Hi new friend Hannah" she says warmly crossing the kitchen to shake her hand "We're having pizza and glee night- would you like to stay for dinner? Salami and olives and a nice bottle of white."

Hannah's eyes widen. "I don't.. I mean.. I'm not allowed to um.."

"For me of course" My sister hastily clarifies "Not the whole bottle. Not in one sitting"

"Liar" I joke.

"Shut up. Ignore my sister. I wasn't trying to peer pressure you Hannah. Please stay?" she smiles at Hannah and elbows me in the ribs playfully.

"That would be great. I'll go call my Aunt and ask her. Excuse me." Hannah pulls out her cell phone and leaves the room.

The rest of the night passes easily. Hannah, Marcia and I chat and sing along with glee. Marcia and I have always shared friends so it feels very comfortable to be sitting with her and Hannah. Later on I drive Hannah home and she confesses that she used to be really close to Amy, the girl who showed us around on the first day, but Amy has been having a hard time. She doesn't offer the details and I don't push. I feel she is my friend already but I also know most people take longer to decide these things. I can tell she is a hidden gem of a person, the embodiment of the saying about still waters. I am always filling in every awkward silence. I can feel myself trying to hard to shape situations into what I want them to be. I get quieter around people I am comfortable with and Hannah seems to get more talkative. I can tell she feels comfortable around me. We sit in the car and she shares pieces of herself in the dark and I accept them letting the situation be exactly what it is.

The next morning I wake up groggy and exhausted. I had to stay up finishing the homework I didn't do while I was chatting with Hannah making it the second night in a row that I did not get in a full nights sleep. I do not do well with any kind of deprivation especially sleep. I stumble through my morning routine meeting Marcia in the kitchen for breakfast where I nod sleepily as we eat our porridge with blueberries together. There is a definite chill descending and I idly wonder just how cold Everwood gets. I give Marcia a kiss on the cheek goodbye and get into the car and back out first. At Jase's house I consider hooting but decide that would be too rude. I sigh as I haul myself out of the car and knock on the door.

"Hey sweetie" Tina greets me cheerily pulling me in for a hug "Jase is running a little behind today. You look exhausted- come in" In a flurry of Mum efficiency Tina has a portable mug of coffee in my hand and is inviting Marcia and I to dinner on Saturday night. Jase stumbles down the stairs bleary eyed grunting good morning to his mother. "You are in big trouble mister- wake up means wake up. We'll talk about this more when you get home." She hands him his breakfast and our lunch and we are headed to school in no time.

"Brett told me he asked you out. And that you said yes" Jase launches head first into it as soon as we are in the car, his tone is accusing.

"And.." I ask tiredly.

"I thought you liked me!" He exclaims. It would be amusing if I wasn't so infuriating.

"And.." I intone coldly.

"Aisha. C'mon. What happened to always being honest with eachother?" We stop briefly at a red light and I rest my head on the steering wheel rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"I don't know what you want me to be honest about. I hear accusation in your voice but no questions." The car stalls as the light turns green and I swear under my breathe.

"How could you say yes to a date with Brett and like me at the same time?" He exaggerates the question mark. I can tell he is furious. I don't care.

"You don't want to date me. Brett does. People in high school date casually all the time. We are so far from being "exclusive" that you kind of have no right to ask. I don't need your permission"

"I just think you shouldn't lead Brett on.." I can tell he has decided to change tact.

"So this is out of concern for Brett is it? Because I am obviously so in love with you that I couldn't possibly be interested in him? Newsflash- I am 16 years old and I met you last week. Somehow I have been able to withstand your amazingly sexual aura and my overwhelming attraction to you and my willingness to re enact Romeo and Juliet for you. Do you really think you are that amazing?" My voice is dripping with sarcasm and I can tell that we are both going way too far with this but there isn't any turning back, I've already lost my temper. Couldn't he have started this fight when I had gotten more sleep?

"Don't be a bitch" he exclaims.

"Well then you don't be an ass!" I exclaim "I'm going to date- I'm attractive, fun and I have an accent. Shockingly enough you are not the first guy to notice me you condescending tool!"

"I was just hoping that.." He trails off. His voice has softened considerably and as furious as I am I am also grateful. I am never the first one to back down from confrontation.

"You were hoping that we could circle each other pining like characters on Dawson's Creek? We agreed to be friends. I date and any friend I had would have to be cool with that and not act like a possessive idiot. I am not okay with that." My words are harsh but the fight and bile are gone from my voice. There is a long silence as he contemplates my words.

"I was hoping you did it to make me jealous" he mutters.

"I don't play games Jase" I say softly. He smiles and I notice that he had moved to the furthest corner of the car and hunched his shoulder defensively during our fight. He opens his body up again and reaches for my hand. "I know. I'm sorry I got so mad. This friend thing may be tougher than I thought."

"You called me a bitch. That is an awful thing to say." I grumble unwilling to let it go until he apologizes for everything. I keep my hand away from his.

"I am sorry. God, I must seem like such a dick to you. I was just sitting across the table from Brett talking about how excited he was about your date. I was more upset with myself.. it doesn't matter though. I am sorry. Forgive me?" He stretches his hand further finding mine. His voice is so sincere.

I squeeze his hand shaking my head and declare "Douchebaggery forgiven but you may have to treat to hot chocolate after school to sweeten me up again". He nods in agreement and the faint sound of the bell makes us both jump out of the car. I rush over to his side and lead him to our first class quickly. We barely make it. As I take my seat in class I realise that all traces of my fury are gone along with my sleepiness. I pull out my notebook and focus on school.

At the end of a long day I am in a surprisingly good mood. Brett, Jase, Eli and Hannah and I sat together at lunch and it wasn't awkward even between Brett and Jase- even after Brett confirms our date in front of everyone (typical boys they must have plead bros before hos to smooth over that tricky patch). Eli and I played together in our music class and the teacher asked us to play at the school recital. I am even fairly sure I did really well on the pop quiz in Math. Jase is still complaining about it as we walk to the car.

"Uuurgh" he moans.

"Use your words" I tease.

He has a point though apparently the teacher read out the questions to him too fast and didn't give him enough time to work them out in between forgetting that he couldn't simply refer back to his working.

"I can't believe he had the nerve to complain about my handwriting. Honestly, I had no idea how to respond to that. I mean the last time I saw my handwriting I was 8 seriously it stopped evolving at that point" He isn't genuinely annoyed any more but exaggerating for comic effect. At Nina's we drink our hot chocolate at chat about anything and everything for hours with all traces of the morning's hostilities evaporated. I am in the middle of explaining my theory about ugg boots when he shakes his head and laughs a little to himself.

"What?" I ask reaching for another french fry from our shared plate. Americans really have greasy food perfected in my humble opinion.

"Well this morning I was furious with you and we got into a huge argument and now we are sitting here and talking. Don't you feel we have always been here in this town in this cafe eating fries and talking? I know how that sounds. My Dad says I talk like I'm summarising my life he says just live it. He blames it on twitter and facebook. Which he calls twatter and myface. My Dad is this mans man, like my brother, not big on words and communication" I laugh at this.

"So you're closer to your Mum then?" I ask.

"Yeah I mean she is borderline smothering but she's great. And I didn't mean to be so harsh about my Dad. It's hard for him to have a son who relies so much on words but he loves me so he tries" Jase blushes when he says this.

"My Dad used to call going clubbing going to the discotheque. Every time; not disco but discotheque." I contribute. Jase laughs. "He was always such a dork when he was with us. He would talk to me like I was fascinating. Really listen. He used to try so hard to stay involved in our lives. Every recital, every debate, every stupid game he would drive up to see us at school. My friends loved him."

A heavy silence falls. I clear my throat "I'm sorry" and I am for making things awkward but in that moment I realize that I can't just not talk about them. They were my parents and if anyone is going to know me I have to share them.

"Don't apologize. I can't imagine how hard this all is for you. I um I won't always know what to say but you can always tell me stuff. I'll always listen" he does his adorable half smile and squeezes my hand under the table. As awful as the thing that brought me here was and as much as I miss my parents and my old life with them in this moment the weight isn't unbearable. It feels right just like Jase says it feels like it has always been.

Part 9

My alarm clock goes off and I stumble bleary eyed into the shower. The night before had turned out to be really intense. Marcia had cried for what seemed like hours and then we had just talked about what we would do when reality caught up with us. We hadn't really come to any conclusions but Marcia had calmed down enough to go to sleep. I come out of the shower and realise that Marcia had fallen asleep in my bed. I shake her slightly to wake her up. She stares at me bleary eyed before stumbling to her room to get showered and changed. I am munching on some toast and reviewing my homework when she walks into the kitchen pulling on her suit coat and zeroes in on the coffee pot filling up a portable mug and tossing me the keys as she heads for the door. I am humming as we drive over to Jase's house and I rush up the driveway to ring the bell and get him. Tina opens the door cradling the phone in the crook of her neck and gives me a kiss on the cheek hello. She runs into the kitchen and pulls Jase out before wordlessly handing me a packed lunch, giving Jase a kiss and shuffling us out of the door.

Jase is laughing as he unfolds his cane and slips on his sunglasses when we are out the door.

"What was that about?" I ask joining him in laughter.

"The perils of a working Mum. She is trying to get our insurance information to the newspapers provider because the HR department is being slow and my brother needs to see the dentist" he explains.

"Ah- how old is your brother?" I ask.

"He's 23 but he's kind of drifting. He dropped out of College two years ago and hasn't really found anything that stuck since. Actually he saw your sister yesterday and asked me about her."

"Really? What did he want to know?" I ask as we slide into the back seat.

"Her story. Is she single?" he informs me with a smirk.

"Is who single? Hey Jase" Marcia greets Jase.

"Are you single. My brother was wondering." Jase teases with a playful smirk on his lips.

"I am but that is a bit too happy families. I mean double dates with my little sister?" Marcia laughs as she pulls out of Jase's driveway and we head to school. Jase is blushing a furious shade of red and despite myself I smile. I don't know if I want anything more than a friendship but I like him and it's nice to know he likes me too.

"Are you enjoying my obvious discomfort?" He asks performing that unnerving trick where he approximates a stare really well.

"How did you know that?" I am genuinely puzzled.

"Are you kidding? Your smile must be huge because I can feel it from over here" His hand finds my face carefully and he rests two fingers on the side of my mouth. "Show me" he commands and even though I don't usually do well with commands I cannot help but smile. I let his hand linger for a second before smacking it away.

"That's all you get pal" I put on a Texan accent for comic effect.

"You really shouldn't do accents." Jase deadpans.

"Seconded" this helpful contribution is from Marcia in the front seat. The two of them then engage in a hilarious competition to see who can do the worst Aisha doing a Texan accent imitation. We are at school before I can get a word in edgeways.

"Later Marcia" I try not to show my annoyance obviously making fun of me has put her in a better mood. She laughs and rushes to her workmate Tracy who will drop her at work tossing me the keys as she goes.

"We are so going to need another car" I mutter to myself.

"Hey- do you want to hang out after school? Eli and Brett were going to the Cafe- it wouldn't really be fun unless you came." Jase asks as we head in to school. "It wouldn't be fun, huh?" I nudge him playfully "I really hope you are usually smoother around girls you like" as soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. Jase shifts uncomfortably. The bell rings.

"My first class is Spanish so um you could just drop me off" his voice is strangled and he is playing with the straps of his book bag. I could kick myself. I swallow and wordlessly escort him to Spanish class before making my way to the music room where I know we are allowed to spend our free periods. Anything I said was just bound to make it worse. I burst into the music room- which is a fairly basic set up. Institutional blue chairs dotted haphazardly in a large room with a drumset in the corner and a piano in the centre. Eli is sitting at the piano reviewing the sheet music on the stand intently.

"Oh hey. Sorry to interrupt I'll just go to the library and give you some privacy" I turn to leave.

"You can't the second bell has already gone. If you're busted without a hall pass well.. its an executable offence" I smile and study him intently for a bit.

"What?" an uncomfortable smile plays on his lips.

"The way you speak. It's still so New York; neurotic, fast- raises some interesting nature vs nurture questions" I respond.

"Well I visit my grandparents every summer and like most New Yorkers it is carefully fostered lest anyone forget our awesomeness. So nature and nurture. You sound like a Londoner"

"Rainy and grey?" I smile enjoying our banter.I move over to the piano and look at the piece he is studying. "I've actually played this before. Do you want to try?"

He nods and I pull out my violin and tune it quickly before we start. We play choppily stopping to correct our mistakes before finally playing it through. I haven't practiced in a while and Eli hasn't played the piece before.Our ease extends to playing though. The piece doesn't sound that great yet but we have potential as partners.

"You are really good" I state awed "Really talented"

"I really think this could sound amazing if we worked on it some more. Do you have another free period this week?" He asks with a focus in his eyes that reminds me of the difference between the people who take lessons and young musicians.

"Friday. I think."

"Cool, Friday then. I'm grounded for the next two weeks but the second my fascist Father lets up I'll invite you over. He is the parental equivalent of the SS. Sometimes I wish we just didn't have parents." He freezes. I can tell he now wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.

"You don't have to freak out- it's okay." I reassure him as I pack up my violin the bell is about to ring.

"Do you mind if I ask what happened?" he mumbles.

"Um.. I guess not. It was a car accident."

"I'm sorry. Crap. I hated when people said that to me after my Mum died. I never knew what to say back. I never realised they had the exact same problem."

"I just say 'thanks' which isn't really appropriate but at least it's polite" Eli nods and I know he understands. I smile "It's weird right it's like this strange new club that we belong to now- the damaged club, the oliver twist collective"Eli raises his eyebrow quizically and I have to laugh "Was that ridiculously emo for a girl wearing pearl studs?" I ask.

"No. The walking wounded I totally get it. So are you and Jase you know.. together?" he asks changing the subject.

"We're just friends. Not even that maybe I just made it very awkward before this class. How goes your girl trouble?" I as as we head down the hallway to our next class.

I nod sympathetically as Eli tells the tale of the girl who he used to love who never loved him back and the girl who he now loves but cannot love him back because she is his babysitter. I sense a theme but I wisely keep my mouth shut. I have always been a straight shooter because I have trouble picking up on nuances which means I tend to verbalize what I think and feel. It's not very romantic or very conducive to the painful stare at each other soulfully in the hallways variety of love favoured by most high school students. The last boy I was involved with (we didn't even last long enough for the boyfriend label to be used) broke up with me because I didn't say I love you back or participate as he hypothesized a future together and went on to clarify that although I liked him enough to use my tongue to explore his mouth I would probably never love him although I did like him enough. He did not like hearing that. I am absolutely not one to offer relationship advice.

My morning classes fly by and Jase makes a point of walking between them with Eli or Brett. At lunch I approach the table hesitantly until Brett invites me to sit down. When I do I stare at Jase willing him to give me any sign that he doesn't hate me. His face remains impassive throughout lunch and I struggle to participate in the conversation. He doesn't direct a single remark to me. It shocks me how much this hurts. Eli and Jase have different classes on the same part of the campus so they set off together. I leave the lunch room feeling dejected and contemplate just bunking off the rest of the day (I never actually would but the fantasy is nice).

"Hey Aisha" I turn surprised to see Brett I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear him run up behind me "Are you okay? You seem distracted" He smiles sweetly.

"I'm okay" I reply.

"I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out on Friday?"

I stare at him blankly "With me" he elaborates.

"Uh...okay." I choke out not entirely sure what is happening.

The second bell rings and we both dash off to our respective classes. I am really flattered that Brett asked me out. He is really good looking and fun but I am not sure I am interested in him.

I am waiting for Jase outside his class.

"Hey guys" I greet him as he exits the class talking to Hannah she is laughing at something he said.

"Hey Aisha" Hannah greets me enthusiastically and leans in for a hug. Which is odd since we just met but I go with it.

"A hugger, huh?" I joke good naturedly.

"Unfortunately to know me is to hug me" she responds pushing her glasses up her nose. Hannah's smile is so pure. Which is a strange adjective, I know but it is pure joy.

"Actually I was wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow and we could work on our homework- or use homework as an excuse to hang out." I offer.

"Sounds great- I'll catch a ride with you from school. It was really nice to meet you Jase" She waves as she runs to catch the bus.

I turn to Jase who has not said a word to me.

"Is this because of what I said this morning?" he doesn't respond so I move keep talking "It is not that big of a deal. You don't like me like that. I kinda hoped that you did and I made a bad joke but it means nothing. We can still be friends- you are the best friend I have here. I know we only just met but please don't make this weird. I like you- even with the jackassery you have subjected me to today I still really want to be friends and I will even accept that I am only the second biggest matchbox 20 fan here but I cannot take this silent treatment bullshit every time I say something you don't like. Newsflash Jase- my foot spends a lot of time in my mouth." I didn't intend to say so much and when I glance at his face I can tell that he feels overwhelmed by the stream of crazy I just unleashed in his direction.

"So lets just go home" I say flatly. He swallows and nods reaching for my arm which I bring to him. We walk to the car in silence. We drive to his house in silence. He doesn't leave the car straight away so we just sit there parked in silence for ten minutes. When I am two seconds away from screaming. He clears his throat and speaks "I'm sorry."

"Huh?" this caught me off guard.

"I'm sorry. You really surprised me this morning. I really like you too but I can't handle anything more right now. Main streaming is kicking my butt. " he admits. His gaze is directed at his lap. I can tell this is hard for him.

"What do you mean? You seem fine. You're making friends and stuff.." I trail off.

"And every day feels like such hard frigging work. I'm scared that I will fall or be caught with no idea where I am. I have to focus so hard in an entirely new place." His fists are clenched and though I can't see his eyes because of the sunglasses I can tell he is perilously close to tears.

"I had no idea. What can I do?" I ask.

"You're doing it. You treat me like I'm totally normal and I think that Eli and Brett and those guys picked up on that and followed your lead. I shouldn't have said anything about all my..stuff because I really don't want how you treat me to change but U needed you to understand how even though you are so great and I really like you- that way and and every way there is I cannot handle one more thing on my plate right now. Is that okay?"

I am so relieved that I burst into tears and laughter. "Are you kidding? It is more than okay. I feel the same way. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I am freaking out too. A new town and school? It's enough to make me poo my pants. You are handling it so incredibly though. You're amazing."

"No way. If I was in you're situation I wouldn't be as cool as you are. You're amazing." he replies.

"I am pretty amazing" I joke. He reaches for my hand and wraps his fingers around mine when he finds it. "You are helping me find my feet here and I don't want to mess that up so. I accept your apology if you accept mine and promise that we can always be like this- honest."

"Deal" he smiles "So you are a fan of whiny cry baby pathetic me, huh?".

"I'm a fan of all of it". The words are so incredibly corny that I cringe as they leave my mouth. But I mean them sincerely and sincerity is not something I am very comfortable with. This conversation could have never happened with anyone else but Jase makes me feel safe. I want him to know me. I brace myself for his reaction to my comment but he just smiles and I swear my heart melts just like in the songs. We sit in the car for a few more moments because this conversation has made real what we have been skirting around since we met. Jase is my best friend now. It is amazing how people come into your life. Even more amazing are those rare moments when you want to make room for them. So we just sit, making room.

Part 8

Monday morning. I always loved the first day of school. I realise how uncool that is to admit. I woke up Monday morning expecting to feel differently about my first day at Everwood High but I woke up with that familiar first day glow. It's strange to be so grateful for something that used to be normal but normal feels great. Normal will make today a lot easier. I get up have a shower before carefully selecting my first day outfit- I want to look casual but also cute. I decide on empire waisted knitted dress and leather jacket paired with some flats. I am stuffing a notebook, my Ipod, pens, pencils, my laptop, my gym clothes and a scarf into a graphic canvas holdall when Marcia rushes in in her underwear with rollers in her hair.

"Oh heavens! Please please please tell me we have time. What time does school start?" She is hilariously panicked.

"We have time but you don't have time for breakfast. Actually I don't have time for breakfast. Actually we don't have time I told Jase we would be there in like 5 minutes" I realise.

As I am talking she dashes off to change. She is pulling on her shoes as we head out of the house.

"How do I look?" She asks flustered.

"Good. I'll drive to Jase's and you can fix your hair" She nods and tosses me the keys.

Two minutes later we are parked outside of Jase's house. I run up the driveway and ring the doorbell. Jase answers he is dressed neatly he is wearing a plaid shirt tucked into a pair of belted khakis and a navy blue windbreaker. His shock of curly hair looks like someone struggled to tame it before accepting defeat.

"Hey. You sound winded."

"I am we kind of failed as far as estimating wake up calls so no breakfast for us but we are on time if we leave right now" I reply.

"Hello Aisha look I really appreciate this but I am not sure if I am comfortable with Jase coming with you he's going to need some special attention and it isn't really fair" His Mum Tina is rushing out of the kitchen holding two brown bags.

"Mum. You need to stop. If I am going to do this I need to really do this. On my own. So Aisha will drive me and we will both check in since we are both new students and I will be lead around by the disability liaison they told us about. I'll be fine okay? Back me up Dad!"

"Stop babying him Tina he will be fine and if he isn't he will call" comes a booming voice from upstairs.

I can tell Jase is trying to keep his patience "Mum if we don't leave now we are going to be late."

"Okay okay" she concedes handing s each one brown bag "I made you both a sack lunch. Good luck." She pulls her son in for a bear hug and whispers into his ear something that I can't quite make out.

"Don't worry Mrs Goodman We'll watch out for each other. Thanks so much for the lunch. You didn't have to" I say

"My pleasure sweetie and call me Tina okay?" she is wiping tears out of her eyes as we leave.

"Oh God" Jase groans as I lead him to the car "No other 17 year old had to endure that drama just going to school"

"Be nice. She loves you"

"You're on her side now!" he cries indignantly.

"Um she made me lunch. What have you done for me lately?" I laugh.

I introduce Marcia to Jase as we enter the car. I climb into the back seat so we can sit together.

"Okay you guys tell me honestly- how do I look?" Jase asks as we head off to school.

"What do you mean?" I ask as my sister eyes me with trepidation in the rear view mirror.

"This outfit. The first day of school outfit is crucial right? My mum picked this out".

"Um.. You look like you're Mum picked out your outfit" I answer.

"Oh God" He runs his hands in his hair making the curly mop even more of an adorable mess.

"To be fair Jase. It is a very accurate and expressive outfit" Marcia cracks up laughing as she responds.

"Marcia don't be mean. It's also sending some Jehova Witness or a young Republican vibes" I can't help but join in.

"Haha. I understand the impulse to mock the blind guy but you could also.. you know... help" Jase yells.

"Okay calm down Jase. Here" I reach over and untuck his shirt and unbutton the first few buttons after I discover that he has layered a plain white T shirt underneath I untuck that. Since his Mum still let him wear his beat up pear of chucks the look works and is a huge improvement.

"If you have finished with your extreme makeover: backseat edition. We have arrived at school. Are you okay going in by yourself? I really don't want to be late for school" She says pleadingly.

"Yup we are fine" I reply as we hop out. I hug Marcia through the window. I let Jase find my elbow and wait for him to snap open his cane.

"Are you ready for this?" I ask him as we both face the school.

"Not at all" He replies. I can tell he is nervous.

"Well you look great Jase. Very good first day outfit" I squeeze his arm to reassure him.

"Okay then guide on" He declares.

We head into the school once we are in the hallway Jase asks what it looks like and I have trouble describing it. "It kind of looks like industrial-ey and charmless".

In the administration office we approach the reception desk "Hi I'm Aisha Ogilvy and this is Jason Goodman. It's our first day as Juniors here at Everwood High"

She asks us to have a seat until the principal is ready to see us.

"It's weird to think that a few days ago I had a Headmistress and now I have a Principal"

Jase doesn't reply I look over and he is gripping his folded up cane so tightly that his knuckles are white. I look around the admin office and note the noise coming from the halls outside. This must be really unsettling for him.

"I'm really glad we're starting together. I mean, half the battle of the first day is not looking like a total loser when lunch comes. So you're going to sit with me right? Please?" I ask.

"Sure" he smiles I am sure he can see my transparent efforts to reassure him.

We meet briefly with the Principal she tells us that she has arranged for Jase to have a guide. Although our schedules mostly match up because we are in all the advanced placement classes. The Principal calls in Jase's designated guide.

"Oh Hi Amy!" I say when the waitress from the cafe walks in. She does not look at all pleased to be there. Her face is drawn, her eyes are bloodshot and her hair really needs a trim but she is beautiful. I give her a smile that I hope conveys that I recognise her as one of the walking wounded and that I understand. She smiles back obviously her embracing of grunge does not erase a lifetime of good breeding.

"Oh good you all know each other" The principal says "Amy will show you both around and Jason she will act as your guide and reader after school should you need her. Amy is, I am sure, happy to assist either of you in any way that she can" He declares with a meaningful glance at Amy.

We head out of the office with Amy leading the way and me guiding Jase.

"Welcome to hell. Just a brief run down of the school structure- 500 students gives us one of the lowest student teacher ratios of any public school but that does not stop the all pervading suck. Trust me" she intones darkly.

"Maybe Brett was wrong- it isn't going to be anything like high school musical" I mutter in Jase's ear.

"You've met my brother Brett?" Amy asks.

"Yeah. We met him at Mama Joy's. Him and Eli gave us the school run down" Jase answers.

"Cool. Look, I am so not Sally school spirit right now so if you could just show yourselves around that would be great. Jase I'll talk to you tomorrow about coming over to read. Here is your first class. Later" And just like that she is gone.

"What is her damage?" Jase wonders out loud.

Before I can answer we are inside the class room. A teacher notes us entering and the room begins to buzz. I hand him the slip from the principal. He welcomes us to the class and asks us to introduce ourselves. Jase nudges me forward.

"Hi I'm Aisha. I just moved to Everwood from London." I stop there deciding to keep it short and sweet.

"Hi I'm Jason and I just moved to Everwood from Minnesota." Jase speaks confidently but I can tell it is at an effort.

"Welcome Jason and Aisha. I am Mr Mammoth and I teach AP History. I am sure you will both be valued additions. Please find a seat and we will begin." Mr Mammoth smiles encouragingly as we walk past him to the two available seats. Jase trips over someone's back pack on our way through the aisle and I whisper "Sorry". "Not your fault" he returns as he slides into the seat. The chairs have desks attached to them. The novelty of this amuses me for a bit before I am drawn into the class. The morning passes quickly. Soon we are part of the massive herd drawn toward the cafeteria. Jase stops suddenly.

"Do you mind if we just hang back a little. A huge crowd of hungry teens and a guy who can't see waving a stick around- it is a recipe for disaster" I can tell that there is more to it than that but I accept his reasons. We sit on the bottom step and I watch him take off his sunglasses and rub his temples.

"This shouldn't be this hard" he says quietly.

"What?" I ask.

"Mainstreaming. The day is only half over and I'm exhausted" he admits.

"I feel you" I lean on his leg as I speak "I mean I don't know but I get it. It will get easier though, you just have to get used to it" His hand is on my forearm and before I can process what is happening we are sitting on the steps holding hands. It is nice. I give his hand a squeeze before standing up. "We have to go eat. I want to see what your mum put in my brown bag. I've never had a brown bag lunch before.."

We head into the cafeteria and find a table in the corner. Jase is in the middle of a hilarious impression of our Geography teacher when Eli comes up to the table holding his lunch tray.

"Do you guys mind if I sit with you?" he asks.

"Of course not. Is Brett with you" Jase cocks his head.

"Uh..no. We are kind of...um.. Brett does his jock thing when we are at school. I do my loner thing. We stick to our wheelhouses."

"Sit" I pat the chair next to me invitingly "We'll try not to interfere with your commitment to the loner lifestyle. Actually I was wondering whether you have practised any Schubert before. I was working on one of the sonatas before I got here and I need a piano player. Do you want to practice together?"

"Sure. I actually need some help with duets. I'm trying to get into Julliard"

"Wow. You must be really good." Jase starts to unwrap his sandwich and I follow his lead. It is proscuitto and cheese on wholegrain bread with a little bit of honey mustard, a bag of crisps and an apple.

"I'll tell you what's good" I am speaking with a mouth full of sandwich "This sandwich! Your Mum is amazing. Do you think if I play up the orphan thing she'll pack me lunch everyday?"

"Ugh is your mouth full- I thought English people had manners?" he teases.

"I got carried away. I'm sorry but it was mostly the sandwiches fault" this time I swallow before I speak.

"Can we back up to the part about you being an orphan?" Eli asks.

The bell rings signalling the end of lunch period.

"We have gym" I say apologetically to Eli while manouevering myself to Jase's side.

"Um.. no you don't. Girls and boys have separate classes" Eli informs us as we move out of the cafeteria.

"Oh shit. Could you take Jase to class then? I have to get changed" I rush out. I know I probably left them a little confused but I have to get changed in relative privacy.

I am exhausted by the time the final bell rings. The day had begun its steady downturn when the coach announced that we would be playing basketball. I hate sport. I'm not really great with team work and every ball in the world seems to hold a grudge that can only be resolved by hurling themselves at my face. The coach seems to expect me to be some sort of basketball superstar and keeps yelling "Hustle" to me. I mutter under my breath "I do not speak jock". The ball flies in my direction and I use my arms to protect my face. Somehow I make it through the game unscathed. On my way to the locker room the coach calls me over to berate me for my disappointing performance.

"What is his problem?" I look up from my fuming to see a mousy girl with long curly hair and red framed glasses.

"Apparently my height and skin colour make me predestined for basketball glory. I love stereotypes. Ugh. I tried to explain to him that I am allergic to balls and my own sweat." I giggle to let her know I am not really that angry.

"Oh God. I know you are new so allow me to apologize on behalf of Everwood. Coach is really only playing with half a deck. I'm Hannah and I swear that this town isn't so bad. Speaking as a former new kid." She rushes this all out in one breathe. A kindred nervous talker. I reach out to shake her hand as I pull off my sweaty gym shirt.

"I'm Aisha. Don't worry. I hated gym way before I got here. At least you guys have a more honest name for it. Back at my old school it was called "games" and I loathed the false joviality you know. Gym- short, utilitarian and honest. Much better." I reply as I hastily wrap myself in a towel preparing to head for the showers. Her eyes widen and I know she has noted my scars- I had a few marrow transplants when I was younger and host vs graft on brown skin is really hideous. She is too polite to say anything and I pretend not to notice her reaction- she seems nice.

"Actually I agree. We are studying 1984 in English and I think that the most horrible part of dystopia is the doublespeak. It's insulting!" I can tell she could really warm to this topic.

"Haha. Wait so if they were straight forward if the Ministry of Love was called the centralised breeding bureau you would be okay with everything else?" I tease lightly as we head to the shower.

"Oh yeah. Honesty is paramount." She dead pans. Her eyes twinkle and I can't help but like her.

We chat easily as we shower and get ready for classes. It turns out we have the same art period and that we are assigned as partners. The bell rings for the end of the day and I head off to look for Jase realising that I have no idea how he got to his classes. The guilt makes me rush through the halls frantically until I spot Eli, Brett, Jase and two other boys I don't know on the front garden (lawn) of the school. I rush toward them before realising that they look like they are having fun- fooling around with the ease of instant male camaraderie (usually sport induced I note darkly) and If I ran up like a panicked idiot it might embarrass Jase. I slow my pace and approach them casually.

"Hey guys!" I greet the group.

"Aisha! Hey! We were waiting for you. Did you have a good first day?" Brett responds eagerly. I smile because Brett seems to wear every emotion right out in the open. He is so refreshingly unguarded. He introduces me to the two other boys Colin and Jimmy. They smile easily as we shake hands.

"I did. But your intel did not include anything about the girls' gym teacher expecting me to be some sort of basketball phenom because I'm black" I joke.

"He's the worst. That's why he coaches the girls' teams" Everyone else cracks up at Brett's response but he doesn't get the irony of such blatant sexism after I complained about race stereotypes. He shrugs off our reactions. "Jase here actually won us our game. All he needed was someone to stand undet the net and make a beeping sound. It was amazing. Don't be so modest Radar!" he exclaims punching Jase on the shoulder "You managed to make the team that got stuck with Eli look good" the group cracks up.

"I should be insulted but I don't care" Eli dead pans.

"Radar?" I repeat questioningly.

"My new nick name. Apparently I don't have a choice. Um.. I actually have to get going. My Mum starts to freak out like five minutes after school lets out."

"No problem man. See you tomorrow." Eli says and then blushes at what he imagines is a horrendous faux pas.

"See you guys tomorrow" he replies easily as he unsnaps his cane. We make our way to the car and I apologise for not finding him after gym.

"Don't worry about it. It was nice to hang out with those guys.."He replies.

"Speaking of which. Basketball? I did not peg you for the jock type" I enquire when we are in the car and heading back home.

"I like sports. Luckily the coach and the guys were cool enough to let me try. I was really glad they weren't too freaked out."

I laugh and explain the grand conspiracy of balls to him. Finishing "You are either with me or the balls. Looks like you chose the dark round side" I intone darkly. This cracks Jase up.

He is telling me about his Spanish class with Eli and Brett when we pull into his driveway. I am just about to open my door and walk him to the front door when he smiles and reassures me "Its cool. Tomorrow bright and early okay?" before leaving. I make sure he gets to the front door which he does and sticks out his tongue acknowledging the fact I didn't leave. I giggle and drive home.

Once home I do my homework on the kitchen table before starting on dinner. Marcia comes in at around 6.30 to find me cooking up a storm and singing along to the Rolling Stones playing on the stereo.

"I could kiss you. That smells so good. I'm going to freshen up and I will be down to help and by help I mean eat." I listen to her run up the stairs and start setting the table.

When she comes down she look comfy in workout pants, hoodie and slippers. She sits down and rests her head on the top of the table. I bring the food over- I made chicken curry and rice with salad.

"That bad?" I cluck concerned.

"No. It was good I learned a lot but holy heavens work is hard. No one tells you. University has room for nap breaks and long lunches. My childhood is over isn't it?" she asks glumly.

"No. You are so young. And so pretty" I stroke her hand like she is a house cat. She sticks her tongue out at me.

"What is with people and doing that to me!" I exclaim. As we eat she tells me more about her day. Apparently the job is a lot more involved than just making coffee. She handles press relations, keeps the mayor abreast with legislative initiatives, organises her schedule and travel arrangements and is the mayor's liaison with all the other government offices. Everwood is a small town but the municipality is extremely well funded. I tell her about my day about my excitement at meeting Hannah and my relief that Jase had gotten on so well with the the boys. "I think I might even be looking forward to tomorrow. Apart from gym. I may join the school paper." We are sitting on the couch. My sister is nursing a glass of wine and I am sipping a mug of tea. We were watching project runway before a commercial break prompted me to finish my story. Her phone buzzes and Marcia leaves the living room to pick it up. I pick up the Harper's Bazaar that I was flicking through at the doctors and read the whole blurb attached to our picture. I am shaking my head at the phrase "bright young things" when Marcia comes back in visibly shaken. She sits down stares at the screen intently downing the remnants of her wine glass and not offering any information. "What's up?" I prompt.

She sighs and puts the glass down "That was John- he was letting me know that we are front page news in London and that he thinks American press might start asking questions so he was warning us".

"Oh", We've only been here a week so I am completely at a loss "Why would the Yanks care though. We're barely that interesting in the UK outside London. It's not like we killed our parents.. there really isn't much of a story. I don't think they will find us.." I know I don't sound convincing. I say the words anyway to comfort myself and to comfort her. She bursts into tears anyway. I rub her back in small circles clockwise. The wall come crumbling down and all her pent up grief, rage, fears and stress comes gushing out. She is sobbing and taking deep choking breathes. I continue to rub her back. Small circles always clockwise. My mum did it when we were sick, sad or scared always clockwise. I do it to remind her that as long as we are here they are here. I do it because words wouldn't do anything to help with the feelings that she thought she could control she needs to cry she needs release. I do it because all I can do is remind her that I am here and hope that there is an end to the tears. That when the wall is destroyed and the flood subsided I am still there.