"This was a solid building season. I think we will really kill it next season. We just need to keep up the training off season." Doug says thoughtfully.
"Yeah. I can't wait. I think we could take State." Jase replies.
"Yeah, you guys were fantastic today. All those gold medals." Zach's tone totally gives away the crush he has quickly developed on Doug. I catch his gaze from the passenger seat and roll my eyes. He sticks his tongue out at me.
I am giving everyone a ride home after the last track event of the season. The meet was a few towns away which meant a mini road trip for Zach and I to get up there. Jase ran really well and he broke his best time in two events so he has that slight swagger that I think looks really adorable on him because it only comes out when he has been spending time with his bros. Everyone on the team is a version of Brett except for Doug who, in our overwhelmingly white school, is the only black guy on the track and field team. Doug is the nicest person on the team and was the first guy aside from Brett to open up to Jase and include him. I yawn, again. It was a long ride and we had to leave early to make it in time for Jase's events which were all scheduled before noon.
"You must be beat from the drive this morning. Do you want me to take over?" Doug offers.
"You sure? You must be tired from this morning."
"Are you kidding? I'm all jacked up on endorphins. I have my licence with me and I am a good driver. Allow me."
"That would be great, actually. Thank you" I smile gratefully at Doug and hit the turn signal to pull over to let him take over before climbing in the passenger seat.
We are all chatting idly when a police car pulls us over. Doug catches my gaze and rolls his eyes. This happens a lot on the roads leading into Everwood. Marcia has been trying to get the amount of racial profiling by the police in our area on the agenda at the mayor's office but even her preliminary research shows that it is a much bigger problem than a few traffic stops. The policeman approaches us with his hand on his holster, which, to me, sums up the main problem with law enforcement in America. Everyone is too ready to shoot. I don't mean to suggest that race relations are perfect in the UK. They aren't and I always feel like there are many safer bodies to move through the world in than a black, female one but the police on patrol in London do not carry guns and that does make a difference. Doug has pulled out his driver's license and has his hands on the steering wheel in full sight. He turns to ask me something.
"It's in the sun visor. It's in my name as well. Don't worry." Knowing he was going to ask about the registration.
He nods.
"Good afternoon, Officer" He rolls down the window in response to the tapping.
"License and registration"
Doug hands them over.
"Whose car is this?"
"Mine" I speak up from next to him. I rush to hand him the registration, undoing my seatbelt and reaching over Doug.
"Where are you kids coming from?"
"From a track meet in Eagleton. We are on the Everwood High track and field team." Doug replies, gesturing to Jase.
"Please step out of the car." He signals with his billy club.
"Wait. Why?" Zach looks genuinely confused.
"Please step out of the car."
Doug steps out. Without thinking, I pull out my cell phone and step outside the car as he slams Doug against the hood of the car.
"What are you doing?" The police officer demands as soon as he notices me.
"I hope you don't mind, officer. I'm going to film this. Officer Reynolds badge number 957937 stopped us but didn't let us know why and is now searching my friend Doug who is a Sophomore at Everwood High" I narrate.
"Drop the cell phone."
"No, sir."
I think that we have got him when his partner comes up behind us and slams me into the car. While I didn't think it was a good idea for the other black person to take on the role of filming police brutality, I did think that being a girl would protect me. I have to conclude it was a miscalculation as my cellphone is thrown from my hands on to the road and I am slammed into the hood of the car. The police officer spreads my legs open and pats down my jeans. His hand lingers along my upper thighs for a micro second and I steel myself from shuddering. He would love a reaction. I'm not sure what to do at this point but Doug is going with stoic silence so I follow. The handcuffs do not feel like I expected them to; they are very tight. When we are lifted from the hood of the car Doug asks what we are being arrested for. The officer replies that we are being arrested on suspicion of drug possession and begins to mirandize us while his friend heads to the car to continue to search it. We are bundled into the back of the police car. I can tell that Jase and Zach are furious and asking questions. Jase is on the phone and Zach is filming the police. They return to the car.
"You can't leave them there. They can't drive the car." I comment when they return.
"Shut up" He says it with such venom. His face is a mask of contempt. The car starts.
We drive in silence. It starts to drizzle and I watch in disbelief as the rain drops slowly make their way down the car window my face is pressed against. Not disbelief at the rain. The rain is the only thing I can fathom in this situation.
When we get to the police station I am relieved that it is the one in our town and that Jase's brother is at the front desk.
"Officer Goodman" I say to attract his attention but his expression shows that he has been waiting for us.
"Hey Aisha. Doug. Can I speak to you?" He signals to the officers who arrested us. They escort us to the chairs set up in the waiting room and dump us there.
"Goodman? As in Jase's.."
"His brother." I fill in.
"This is going to stress out my mom so much" Doug groans.
"I shouldn't have pulled out my cell phone." Maybe he would have just searched Doug and let him go and we'd be home right now.
"Maybe you made it worse. Maybe you saved my life. No way to know. It isn't your fault."
We sit in silence for a moment.
"Besides we're both in it now" Doug adds.
Yes we are.
Matt comes back and undoes my cuffs and then Doug's.
"Is someone going to get Zach and Jase? They were kind of stranded." I ask.
"Marcia is getting them first then coming here. Doug, would you like to call your parents? You can use my phone." Matt offers.
"And tell them what? Are we under arrest?" Doug asks
"No you aren't. I am so sorry about this. Honestly, when your parents get down here they are going to get a giant ass-kissing from the Sargent. You aren't in any trouble. You did nothing wrong." Matt says.
"We know that" I allow some of my irritation to peek through.
Doug takes Matt's phone and begins to dial. I sit down. My hands are shaking. I take a few calming breaths. My torso aches from being smashed into the hood of a car. We were lucky. No one is getting arrested and thanks to Marcia's connections at the Mayor's office and Matt's connection to Jase, we have some power in this situation.
Doug's parents and Marcia arrive at the same time. Doug's mother is livid; and at first it is unclear who she is angry at.
"What happened?" She demands of Doug.
He tells her the story. I chime in with a clarifying detail every once in a while because Marcia is also listening carefully.
"Why weren't you on the school bus? Who told you you could drive with friends? I put you on the school bus, Douglas!" She demands.
"I'm sorry, Mom."
She pulls him in for a hug.
"What if you hadn't been with someone who could call the mayor? Who had a brother at the police station? Are you okay?"
She turns to me.
"Are you okay?" She demands, pulling me into the hug.
I start to cry.
Marcia approaches us and squeezes my arm.
"It's okay." I look in her face and know that she doesn't really believe that.
Doug's mother breaks the hug and tells Doug and I to wait. She approaches the reception and asks to speak to the police chief and the arresting officers. Finally a community liaison agrees to see us. We are ushered into an office and showered in non-apologies and non-admissions of fault. The officers were reasonable in their suspicion. We were being released without caution. This was the end. Doug's mother gives the community liaison hell, which he wearily accepts. Marcia adds a few threats from the Mayor's office which he evades by attempting to minimize what happened. Marcia and Doug's mum use the term racial profiling a lot. The community liaison does not. He says reasonable suspicion a lot. I don't know what we are suspected of.
"What about the two disabled teenagers you left on the side of a road?" I ask.
Neither Doug or I have said anything the whole time but this reinvigorates him.
"How do the two black people end up arrested? If your suspicion was so reasonable then everyone would be in this station right now." He demands.
"No one was arrested" the community liaison repeats.
It is clear we aren't getting anywhere. We leave. We all hug goodbye in the parking lot. Marcia leads me to where the car is parked.
"You should call Jase. He was so worried about you."
"I'll just send him a text to let him know I'm okay" I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to talk about this yet.
We drive home in silence.
"I'm sorry this happened" Marcia says as she opens the door.
"You aren't the one who should be apologizing."
"I know."
Zach is waiting in the living room.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. They didn't end up processing us. I'm going to go to bed. Long day." I wave and head upstairs.
My phone is ringing. It is Jase. I turn it off.
The next day Doug waves at me in the hall and I approach him. He looks as worn out as I feel.
"Hey!" I walk over to his locker "It just feels like we are at pause for a chat at the locker level friendship now."
He laughs "It does. How are you?"
"I'm okay. Kind of angry. Not so 'kind of' actually."
"Yeah. Well. You have to try and let it go. Can't spend your life angry."
"I know. I know what I sound like and I've been black longer than a day so I know....."
He laughs.
"...I've just had so much other stuff going on that I haven't really had time to process it all. The shootings. The videos. The hash tagged names. It just didn't seem as... real as my parents dying, or moving, or getting sick... until last night." I confess.
"Yeah I get it. We also live in Colorado. It isn't perfect but it is quiet."
It suddenly occurs to me that I don't know Doug that well and I have just dumped an awful lot on him.
"Oh God" I clear my throat in embarrassment "I am so sorry to word vomit all over you. We barely know each other. I will see you around, Doug." Us both being black and having been there is not a good enough reason to force intimacy on him. I turn to walk to my class.
"No. It's cool. I actually wanted to ask you something." Doug laughs catching up with me.
"Sure"
"It's about Zach," He pauses.
"He has physio during first period so he comes in later on Mondays."
"Do you think he would want to go on a date? With me?" He does that thing that guys do when they want to seem more confident than they are feeling.
I fight the urge to make a big deal out of it. That would embarrass Zach. And Doug to think about it.
"I think he would but you should ask him to know for sure" I tease gently "Do you want his number?"
He nods and I send him Doug's number before heading out to class wondering who would share my excitement at this development.
I am waiting for Jase so we can head to lunch together. We don't have any morning classes together on a Monday. I move toward him when I see him get out of his class. He is being lead by Doug.
"Hey guys!" I hug Jase and he gives me a quick kiss on my nose.
"Were you aiming for cheek?" I tease him.
"I wasn't aiming at all." He jokes.
"I'll see you guys later." Doug moves away.
"Join us for lunch! Zach will be there.." I encourage him.
"Will he?" He waggles his eyebrows "Then I'd better join you" He says solemnly.
I take over as lead for Jase.
"Wait. You are into Zach?" Jase asks.
"Uh yeah.... I was feeling a little awkward about it but I figure since he has watched me get slammed against the hood of a car by a cop that it is just awkward all around, you know? Also we could just die at anytime and what is a little awkwardness compared to that" Doug laughs.
"Dark. Inspiring." Jase laughs a little. "I meant more like I didn't know that you were into guys?"
"The rest of the team doesn't know. I'm not closeted but I do try to be discreet."
"We won't tell anyone" Jase reassures him.
"What's the distinction?" I ask, genuinely curious.
"Well, I've lived here my whole life so I've always been 'the black guy' and I just want people who already know me as Doug to know about my being gay. I don't know. It just never seemed that important or smart to make a big announcement." Doug confesses.
"Do your parents know?" Jase asks.
"They like to brag they've known longer than I have. You saw my Mum in action yesterday, Aisha. She doesn't play."
"No she does not" I confirm.
We are in the lunch hall. Zach waves us over to the table he is sharing with Eli and Brett. Doug gestures that he is going to grab lunch first. Jase and I have packed lunch. We head over.
"Zach was just telling us what happened. Unbelievable."
"Yeah" I mumble, pulling out my lunch and inspecting the contents more closely than they deserve. Falafel sub. I love Jase's mum.
"I can't believe they just left Jase and Zach on the side of the road." Eli says shaking his head.
"It was definitely worse that they arrested Doug and Aisha." Jase replies sarcastically.
"I mean yeah but you guys were..." Eli defends himself.
"Helpless? No we weren't. We could call for help. We could have left the car and walked to a gas station. Wheeled. Whatever. They slammed Aisha and Doug against the hood of our car. They could have died. They could have been murdered." Jase rants.
"They wouldn't have.." Eli starts.
"What?" I shoot him a look and Eli withers.
"I mean, sure, it has happened in other places. But this is Everwood." Brett steps in.
"You can't be serious" Zach scoffs.
"My mum is the mayor. We aren't racist." Brett continues.
"You sound like one of those 'all lives matter' idiots" Zach jokes, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
"All lives DO matter" Brett insists.
Jase reaches for my hand and squeezes.
"Let's just leave it, guys" I stress as Doug approaches with his lunch tray.
"Hey guys" Doug greets us, dragging a chair near the corner where Zach is parked.
"Hey Doug. I remember you saying you wanted to borrow that thing from me. Maybe you could come over after school to our house and borrow it and maybe stay for dinner?" I ask pointedly.
"Umm" Doug looks flummoxed.
"My place. Where Zach and I live.."
"Oh yeah. The thing. Good looking out. Yes, I will do that."
"Great" I smile brightly "Is everyone ready for the calculus quiz?"
Doug comes over after school and I quickly excuse myself to give him and Zach some alone time. I head over to Jase's house. His brother answers the door.
"Hey, how are you doing?" He asks me guiltily.
"I'm okay. Is Jase home?"
"Yeah, come in."
"Thanks."
"You know when Jase called me I was terrified. I've been out on patrol and watched some of the guys on the force be really... rough... with some people. I just told myself that they were suspects and that the suspicion was reasonable. I couldn't bear the thought of anything like that happening to you and it sounds stupid but it just made it obvious that the cops I was riding with didn't have any special criminal sniffing powers, we were just stopping those people because they were black. That's it. And I don't know what to do with that" He looks at me helplessly.
"I don't know either. But something, right? You have to do something." I shrug at him.
"I know. I'm sorry. Jase is upstairs." I nod and move past him down the hallway and up the stairs to Jase's room.
I'm a little nervous when I knock on the door, which is new.
"Come in" His voice sounds a little muffled. I walk in to find Jase on all fours sweeping his arms around on the floors of his room.
"Who's there?" He asks a little impatiently.
"It's me" I'm a little embarrassed that I forgot to announce myself.
"Oh, hey- could you help me out? I dropped my cell phone and I can't find the cover for the battery bit"
Jase has a really old cell phone that he swears has the best accessibility functions. I scan the room and find it in the corner. I walk over and pick it up before crouching down and tapping one of Jase's hands to hand it to him.
"Thanks" He says as he gets up and straightens his clothing. He reaches out a hand and I step into it and we hug hello.
"Hey" he says gruffly into my teeny weeny afro.
"Hey" I breathe in deeply and settle into him for another moment.
Eventually we break apart. My nerves are settled. We are still us.
"So you dropped your phone?" I ask skeptically.
Jase looks sheepish. He pauses a moment before responding.
"I may have thrown my phone against the wall"
"I'm all for it. Your phone sucks. But I'm guessing you didn't do it because you know how much your beloved girlfriend wants to be able to text you emojis?"
"No that's absolutely why. Fuck that phone."
"Now seriously. What's up?" I sit on the edge of his bed and tug him down to join me.
"I should be asking you that." He sighs
"I asked first. You can ask me after"
"It's nothing. I'm just frustrated. At what happened, at what Brett said, at how everyone is acting like you got off easy when you deserved none of it."
"I get it"
"You shouldn't have to be commiserating with your white boyfriend right now. I'm being selfish."
"Is it also a little bit about that? We haven't really had to deal with the fact that we are different races before."
"No we haven't. I hadn't even thought about it before this."
"I had."
"You had?"
"Of course I had. I thought about how our town is predominantly white, and that our school is predominantly white and that we live in America. All this very big stuff that is way out of our control. But I also thought of how I feel and how much I like your butt and your face.." I trail off and shrug, "I just shrugged."
"I didn't think of any of that."
"I know. You didn't have to and I know it isn't the same but it is a little like living in a world of sighted people. You know that I won't ever really get it but you know I'm listening and trying and that I love and you know that that matters. That maybe that's all we can ever give each other."
Jase processes this and I think I may have crossed a line drawing an analogy between race and disability. He reaches out and takes my hand.
"I thought how heated you got at lunch was very sexy. My very own woke bae. I appreciate you standing up for me" I say jokingly.
"Can I ask about you now? What's up?" He turns his gaze towards me simulating an intense glare with a half smile on his face.
"I'm okay" I reply with fake cheer.
"Now seriously" He squeezes my hand.
"I'm furious and embarrassed and honestly more than a little bored. No one ever talks about how boring racism is. Just this huge suck of time, emotion, potential, lives..." I trail off listing things "I don't walk around with this feeling of blackness. I just feel like me. Until I'm the only one in the room or someone makes it their business to remind me. It's like my height or the size of my feet- just a part of me."
"What can I do?"
"You are doing it. I was also thinking we could go to a BLM rally they are having at the University of Colorado Boulder campus on Friday. Feels like something to do. Something I should have done ages ago."
"I'm in!" He claps his hand together visibly relieved to have something to do.
I wish I could say this was the beginning of a spirited, intellectual conversation on racial equity and social justice but we just fooled around on his bed until his parents came home. Tina asks me to stay for dinner but I know that it is Dudders' night to cook and he makes the most delicious meals and I do not want to miss it. Jase and I make plans to hang out after practice the next day and I head home. Doug and Zach are hanging out in the living room. I stick my head in to say hi and then start to head up to my bedroom to do some homework. I turn when I hear Zach furiously whispering my name behind me.
"Why are you whispering?" I ask in a whisper.
"You need to come back in with me. You need to hang out with us. He is being really friendly and normal and hot and I am behaving like this is the first human interaction I have ever had. Honestly I am acting so stilted and strange it might be first human interaction I have ever had. Everything before today might have been a hallucination. Am I Nell? You know, from the movie Nell? Am I speaking English right now or is it just like feral grunts?" It comes out as a rushed and urgent whisper.
I place my hands on his shoulders, squatting so we are at eye level.
"First of all, take a deep breath" I take a deep, slow breath filling my lungs with air through my nose and releasing it through my mouth and I gesture with my hands that he should copy me.
He rolls his eyes while he does it but then he takes another one.
"Please come hang out with us?" He asks again "I don't want to ruin this before it has even started."
"You barely know Doug. You might not like him."
He rolls his eyes in response.
"I'm serious. He is getting to know you and you are getting to know him. So the question isn't whether Doug likes you- that's his business. The question is whether you like him."
"No the question is whether you will come sit with us."
"Fine." I relent and join them in the living room. Doug is sitting on the couch and Zach parks next to him. Ordinarily he would transfer out of his chair as quickly as possible after sitting in it all day. I join Doug on the couch.
"My homework can wait. What are you guys watching?" I ask Doug.
"This Australian show called Please Like Me. Zach's choice. It's really good so far. Have you seen it?" He smiles at Zach as he compliments his choice in show and suddenly I understand why Zach is so flustered. Doug is very handsome. Possibly the handsomest Doug in recorded history.
"Er yes" I respond, possibly a little flustered myself "Zach actually promised he wasn't going to move on to season 2 without me. It is really funny."
"Don't worry I didn't break the pact. I'm catching Doug up on season 1. I take binge partnerships very seriously." Zach says with mock solemnity.
"That bodes well for me" Doug jokes lightly.
Shit. Handsome and charming. Zach is in trouble.
We watch half an episode before Dudders and Marcia get home. Marcia invites Doug to stay for dinner and he excuses himself to let his parents know. He puts Marcia on the phone with his mom and she guarantees that Dudders will drive Doug home and make sure he gets there safe.
As we sit down for dinner I can tell that Zach has relaxed. After we eat, clear up and load the dishwasher Zach asks if he can show Doug his movies on his computer in his room. Dudders and Marcia exchange a look. I think it is weird for them to assume the role of responsible adults before they are even 30. Which explains why they choose to discuss it right in front of us.
"I mean, it's fine right? We let Aisha spend time in her room with her gentleman caller?" Dudders begins uncertainly.
"I mean, I guess. We definitely shouldn't have a double standard?" Marcia sounds equally uncertain.
"You know I actually should be getting home or my mom will have an aneurysm" Doug offers.
Marcia and Dudders are visibly relieved.
"Next time, Zach" Doug smiles at him and bends down to give him a hug before heading to pick up his book back. Dudders picks up his keys, gives Marcia a quick kiss and heads outside.
Zach leans back in his chair looking vaguely dazed.
"I guess that means you do like him" I note with a smile.
"Uh yeah. I like him. And I have no idea what he sees in me but I am just going to enjoy this implausible ride."
"Good idea. I'm going to go up and actually start my homework. Good night." I walk over and give him a hug.
"Good night. Thank you so much for buffering."
"I have a feeling you won't ask me to do that ever again" I laugh as I head upstairs.
