Carol

 My mother asks me to forget 

the things I am only starting to remember

I am allowing myself to see things as they were

Not as I needed them to be. Not as I was sure they were.

I have fired my memory

Vacated the position of making it okay

fixing it in post

My work is to remember it raw now

To punish myself for turning into her 

To make sure it doesn't happen again

To end it with me

I will not have children

I will not love a man

I will not ransom myself for his love 

I will not hold myself tight, waiting for him to choose me 

I will not hold myself tight, waiting for someone else to make me feel real 

I will not mother children in my image, I will not pass on my delusions about sky daddy

I will not make myself right and allow everyone else to be wrong 

I will not be certain, I will not be 'good', I will allow my life to keep its messy shape, its sharp edges, its confusing contours

I will be puzzled and in awe and not in control 

I will not fight the chaos. I will not bend human beings to my will using guilt. 

Of course I will. Of course I will. 

But if I remember, If I hold on to the things that she asks me to let go of

I can mitigate this shit

I can stop myself 

I can choose a different way 

I love my mother. I wish I existed as more than a reflection of her desires, triumphs and failures. 

I am leaving to exist as more than a reflection of her desires, triumphs and failures 

I am remembering to exist as more than a reflection of her desires, triumphs and failures 

I am not letting go, I am clinging to the contours of myself 

Part 26

"This was a solid building season. I think we will really kill it next season. We just need to keep up the training off season." Doug says thoughtfully.
"Yeah. I can't wait. I think we could take State." Jase replies.
"Yeah, you guys were fantastic today. All those gold medals." Zach's tone totally gives away the crush he has quickly developed on Doug. I catch his gaze from the passenger seat and roll my eyes. He sticks his tongue out at me.
I am giving everyone a ride home after the last track event of the season. The meet was a few towns away which meant a mini road trip for Zach and I to get up there.  Jase ran really well and he broke his best time in two events so he has that slight swagger that I think looks really adorable on him because it only comes out when he has been spending time with his bros. Everyone on the team is a version of Brett except for Doug who, in our overwhelmingly white school, is the only black guy on the track and field team. Doug is the nicest person on the team and was the first guy aside from Brett to open up to Jase and include him. I yawn, again. It was a long ride and we had to leave early to make it in time for Jase's events which were all scheduled before noon.
"You must be beat from the drive this morning. Do you want me to take over?" Doug offers.
"You sure? You must be tired from this morning."
"Are you kidding? I'm all jacked up on endorphins. I have my licence with me and I am a good driver. Allow me."
"That would be great, actually. Thank you" I smile gratefully at Doug and hit the turn signal to pull over to let him take over before climbing in the passenger seat.
We are all chatting idly when a police car pulls us over. Doug catches my gaze and rolls his eyes. This happens a lot on the roads leading into Everwood. Marcia has been trying to get the amount of racial profiling by the police in our area on the agenda at the mayor's office but even her preliminary research shows that it is a much bigger problem than a few traffic stops. The policeman approaches us with his hand on his holster, which, to me, sums up the main problem with law enforcement in America. Everyone is too ready to shoot. I don't mean to suggest that race relations are perfect in the UK. They aren't and I always feel like there are many safer bodies to move through the world in than a black, female one but the police on patrol in London do not carry guns and that does make a difference. Doug has pulled out his driver's license and has his hands on the steering wheel in full sight. He turns to ask me something.
"It's in the sun visor. It's in my name as well. Don't worry." Knowing he was going to ask about the registration.
He nods.
"Good afternoon, Officer" He rolls down the window in response to the tapping.
"License and registration"
Doug hands them over.
"Whose car is this?"
"Mine" I speak up from next to him. I rush to hand him the registration, undoing my seatbelt and reaching over Doug.
"Where are you kids coming from?"
"From a track meet in Eagleton. We are on the Everwood High track and field team." Doug replies, gesturing to Jase.
"Please step out of the car." He signals with his billy club.
"Wait. Why?" Zach looks genuinely confused.
"Please step out of the car."
Doug steps out. Without thinking, I pull out my cell phone and step outside the car as he slams Doug against the hood of the car.
"What are you doing?" The police officer demands as soon as he notices me.
"I hope you don't mind, officer. I'm going to film this. Officer Reynolds badge number 957937 stopped us but didn't let us know why and is now searching my friend Doug who is a Sophomore at Everwood High" I narrate.
"Drop the cell phone."
"No, sir."
I think that we have got him when his partner comes up behind us and slams me into the car. While I didn't think it was a good idea for the other black person to take on the role of filming police brutality, I did think that being a girl would protect me. I have to conclude it was a miscalculation as my cellphone is thrown from my hands on to the road and I am slammed into the hood of the car. The police officer spreads my legs open and pats down my jeans. His hand lingers along my upper thighs for a micro second and I steel myself from shuddering. He would love a reaction. I'm not sure what to do at this point but Doug is going with stoic silence so I follow. The handcuffs do not feel like I expected them to; they are very tight. When we are lifted from the hood of the car Doug asks what we are being arrested for. The officer replies that we are being arrested on suspicion of drug possession and begins to mirandize us while his friend heads to the car to continue to search it. We are bundled into the back of the police car. I can tell that Jase and Zach are furious and asking questions. Jase is on the phone and Zach is filming the police. They return to the car.
"You can't leave them there. They can't drive the car." I comment when they return.
"Shut up" He says it with such venom. His face is a mask of contempt. The car starts.
We drive in silence. It starts to drizzle and I watch in disbelief as the rain drops slowly make their way down the car window my face is pressed against. Not disbelief at the rain. The rain is the only thing I can fathom in this situation.
When we get to the police station I am relieved that it is the one in our town and that Jase's brother is at the front desk.
"Officer Goodman" I say to attract his attention but his expression shows that he has been waiting for us.
"Hey Aisha. Doug. Can I speak to you?" He signals to the officers who arrested us. They escort us to the chairs set up in the waiting room and dump us there.
"Goodman? As in Jase's.."
"His brother." I fill in.
"This is going to stress out my mom so much" Doug groans.
"I shouldn't have pulled out my cell phone." Maybe he would have just searched Doug and let him go and we'd be home right now.
"Maybe you made it worse. Maybe you saved my life. No way to know. It isn't your fault."
We sit in silence for a moment.
"Besides we're both in it now" Doug adds.
Yes we are.
Matt comes back and undoes my cuffs and then Doug's.
"Is someone going to get Zach and Jase? They were kind of stranded." I ask.
"Marcia is getting them first then coming here. Doug, would you like to call your parents? You can use my phone." Matt offers.
"And tell them what? Are we under arrest?" Doug asks
"No you aren't. I am so sorry about this. Honestly, when your parents get down here they are going to get a giant ass-kissing from the Sargent. You aren't in any trouble. You did nothing wrong." Matt says.
"We know that" I allow some of my irritation to peek through.
Doug takes Matt's phone and begins to dial. I sit down. My hands are shaking. I take a few calming breaths. My torso aches from being smashed into the hood of a car. We were lucky. No one is getting arrested and thanks to Marcia's connections at the Mayor's office and Matt's connection to Jase, we have some power in this situation.
Doug's parents and Marcia arrive at the same time. Doug's mother is livid; and at first it is unclear who she is angry at.
"What happened?" She demands of Doug.
He tells her the story. I chime in with a clarifying detail every once in a while because Marcia is also listening carefully.
"Why weren't you on the school bus? Who told you you could drive with friends? I put you on the school bus, Douglas!" She demands.
"I'm sorry, Mom."
She pulls him in for a hug.
"What if you hadn't been with someone who could call the mayor? Who had a brother at the police station? Are you okay?"
She turns to me.
"Are you okay?" She demands, pulling me into the hug.
I start to cry.
Marcia approaches us and squeezes my arm.
"It's okay." I look in her face and know that she doesn't really believe that.
Doug's mother breaks the hug and tells Doug and I to wait. She approaches the reception and asks to speak to the police chief and the arresting officers. Finally a community liaison agrees to see us. We are ushered into an office and showered in non-apologies and non-admissions of fault. The officers were reasonable in their suspicion. We were being released without caution. This was the end. Doug's mother gives the community liaison hell, which he wearily accepts. Marcia adds a few threats from the Mayor's office which he evades by attempting to minimize what happened. Marcia and Doug's mum use the term racial profiling a lot. The community liaison does not. He says reasonable suspicion a lot. I don't know what we are suspected of.
"What about the two disabled teenagers you left on the side of a road?" I ask.
Neither Doug or I have said anything the whole time but this reinvigorates him.
"How do the two black people end up arrested? If your suspicion was so reasonable then everyone would be in this station right now." He demands.
"No one was arrested" the community liaison repeats.
It is clear we aren't getting anywhere. We leave. We all hug goodbye in the parking lot. Marcia leads me to where the car is parked.
"You should call Jase. He was so worried about you."
"I'll just send him a text to let him know I'm okay" I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to talk about this yet.
We drive home in silence.
"I'm sorry this happened" Marcia says as she opens the door.
"You aren't the one who should be apologizing."
"I know."
Zach is waiting in the living room.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. They didn't end up processing us. I'm going to go to bed. Long day." I wave and head upstairs.
My phone is ringing.  It is Jase. I turn it off.

The next day Doug waves at me in the hall and I approach him. He looks as worn out as I feel.
"Hey!" I walk over to his locker "It just feels like we are at pause for a chat at the locker level friendship now."
He laughs "It does. How are you?"
"I'm okay. Kind of angry. Not so 'kind of' actually."
"Yeah. Well. You have to try and let it go. Can't spend your life angry."
"I know. I know what I sound like and I've been black longer than a day so I know....."
He laughs.
"...I've just had so much other stuff going on that I haven't really had time to process it all. The shootings. The videos. The hash tagged names. It just didn't seem as... real as my parents dying, or moving, or getting sick... until last night." I confess.
"Yeah I get it. We also live in Colorado. It isn't perfect but it is quiet."
It suddenly occurs to me that I don't know Doug that well and I have just dumped an awful lot on him.
"Oh God" I clear my throat in embarrassment "I am so sorry to word vomit all over you. We barely know each other. I will see you around, Doug." Us both being black and having been there is not a good enough reason to force intimacy on him. I turn to walk to my class.
"No. It's cool. I actually wanted to ask you something." Doug laughs catching up with me.
"Sure"
"It's about Zach," He pauses.
"He has physio during first period so he comes in later on Mondays."
"Do you think he would want to go on a date? With me?" He does that thing that guys do when they want to seem more confident than they are feeling.
I fight the urge to make a big deal out of it. That would embarrass Zach. And Doug to think about it.
"I think he would but you should ask him to know for sure" I tease gently "Do you want his number?"
He nods and I send him Doug's number before heading out to class wondering who would share my excitement at this development.

I am waiting for Jase so we can head to lunch together. We don't have any morning classes together on a Monday. I move toward him when I see him get out of his class. He is being lead by Doug.
"Hey guys!" I hug Jase and he gives me a quick kiss on my nose.
"Were you aiming for cheek?" I tease him.
"I wasn't aiming at all." He jokes.
"I'll see you guys later." Doug moves away.
"Join us for lunch! Zach will be there.." I encourage him.
"Will he?" He waggles his eyebrows "Then I'd better join you" He says solemnly.
I take over as lead for Jase.
"Wait. You are into Zach?" Jase asks.
"Uh yeah.... I was feeling a little awkward about it but I figure since he has watched me get slammed against the hood of a car by a cop that it is just awkward all around, you know? Also we could just die at anytime and what is a little awkwardness compared to that" Doug laughs.
"Dark. Inspiring." Jase laughs a little. "I meant more like I didn't know that you were into guys?"
"The rest of the team doesn't know. I'm not closeted but I do try to be discreet."
"We won't tell anyone" Jase reassures him.
"What's the distinction?" I ask, genuinely curious.
"Well, I've lived here my whole life so I've always been 'the black guy' and I just want people who already know me as Doug to know about my being gay. I don't know. It just never seemed that important or smart to make a big announcement." Doug confesses.
"Do your parents know?" Jase asks.
"They like to brag they've known longer than I have. You saw my Mum in action yesterday, Aisha. She doesn't play."
"No she does not" I confirm.
We are in the lunch hall. Zach waves us over to the table he is sharing with Eli and Brett. Doug gestures that he is going to grab lunch first. Jase and I have packed lunch. We head over.
"Zach was just telling us what happened. Unbelievable."
"Yeah" I mumble, pulling out my lunch and inspecting the contents more closely than they deserve. Falafel sub. I love Jase's mum.
"I can't believe they just left Jase and Zach on the side of the road." Eli says shaking his head.
"It was definitely worse that they arrested Doug and Aisha." Jase replies sarcastically.
"I mean yeah but you guys were..." Eli defends himself.
"Helpless? No we weren't. We could call for help. We could have left the car and walked to a gas station. Wheeled. Whatever. They slammed Aisha and Doug against the hood of our car. They could have died. They could have been murdered." Jase rants.
"They wouldn't have.." Eli starts.
"What?" I shoot him a look and Eli withers.
"I mean, sure, it has happened in other places. But this is Everwood." Brett steps in.
"You can't be serious" Zach scoffs.
"My mum is the mayor. We aren't racist." Brett continues.
"You sound like one of those 'all lives matter' idiots" Zach jokes, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
"All lives DO matter" Brett insists.
Jase reaches for my hand and squeezes.
"Let's just leave it, guys" I stress as Doug approaches with his lunch tray.
"Hey guys" Doug greets us, dragging a chair near the corner where Zach is parked.
"Hey Doug. I remember you saying you wanted to borrow that thing from me. Maybe you could come over after school to our house and borrow it and maybe stay for dinner?" I ask pointedly.
"Umm" Doug looks flummoxed.
"My place. Where Zach and I live.."
"Oh yeah. The thing. Good looking out. Yes, I will do that."
"Great" I smile brightly "Is everyone ready for the calculus quiz?"

Doug comes over after school and I quickly excuse myself to give him and Zach some alone time. I head over to Jase's house. His brother answers the door.
"Hey, how are you doing?" He asks me guiltily.
"I'm okay. Is Jase home?"
"Yeah, come in."
"Thanks."
"You know when Jase called me I was terrified. I've been out on patrol and watched some of the guys on the force be really... rough... with some people. I just told myself that they were suspects and that the suspicion was reasonable. I couldn't bear the thought of anything like that happening to you and it sounds stupid but it just made it obvious that the cops I was riding with didn't have any special criminal sniffing powers, we were just stopping those people because they were black. That's it. And I don't know what to do with that" He looks at me helplessly.
"I don't know either. But something, right? You have to do something." I shrug at him.
"I know. I'm sorry. Jase is upstairs." I nod and move past him down the hallway and up the stairs to Jase's room.
I'm a little nervous when I knock on the door, which is new.
"Come in" His voice sounds a little muffled. I walk in to find Jase on all fours sweeping his arms around on the floors of his room.
"Who's there?" He asks a little impatiently.
"It's me" I'm a little embarrassed that I forgot to announce myself.
"Oh, hey- could you help me out? I dropped my cell phone and I can't find the cover for the battery bit"
Jase has a really old cell phone that he swears has the best accessibility functions. I scan the room and find it in the corner. I walk over and pick it up before crouching down and tapping one of Jase's hands to hand it to him.
"Thanks" He says as he gets up and straightens his clothing. He reaches out a hand and I step into it and we hug hello.
"Hey" he says gruffly into my teeny weeny afro.
"Hey" I breathe in deeply and settle into him for another moment.
Eventually we break apart. My nerves are settled. We are still us.
"So you dropped your phone?" I ask skeptically.
Jase looks sheepish. He pauses a moment before responding.
"I may have thrown my phone against the wall"
"I'm all for it. Your phone sucks. But I'm guessing you didn't do it because you know how much your beloved girlfriend wants to be able to text you emojis?"
"No that's absolutely why. Fuck that phone."
"Now seriously. What's up?" I sit on the edge of his bed and tug him down to join me.
"I should be asking you that." He sighs
"I asked first. You can ask me after"
"It's nothing. I'm just frustrated. At what happened, at what Brett said, at how everyone is acting like you got off easy when you deserved none of it."
"I get it"
"You shouldn't have to be commiserating with your white boyfriend right now. I'm being selfish."
"Is it also a little bit about that? We haven't really had to deal with the fact that we are different races before."
"No we haven't. I hadn't even thought about it before this."
"I had."
"You had?"
"Of course I had. I thought about how our town is predominantly white, and that our school is predominantly white and that we live in America. All this very big stuff that is way out of our control. But I also thought of how I feel and how much I like your butt and your face.." I trail off and shrug, "I just shrugged."
"I didn't think of any of that."
"I know. You didn't have to and I know it isn't the same but it is a little like living in a world of sighted people. You know that I won't ever really get it but you know I'm listening and trying and that I love and you know that that matters. That maybe that's all we can ever give each other."
Jase processes this and I think I may have crossed a line drawing an analogy between race and disability. He reaches out and takes my hand.
"I thought how heated you got at lunch was very sexy. My very own woke bae. I appreciate you standing up for me" I say jokingly.
"Can I ask about you now? What's up?" He turns his gaze towards me simulating an intense glare with a half smile on his face.
"I'm okay" I reply with fake cheer.
"Now seriously" He squeezes my hand.
"I'm furious and embarrassed and honestly more than a little bored. No one ever talks about how boring racism is. Just this huge suck of time, emotion, potential, lives..." I trail off listing things "I don't walk around with this feeling of blackness. I just feel like me. Until I'm the only one in the room or someone makes it their business to remind me. It's like my height or the size of my feet- just a part of me."
"What can I do?"
"You are doing it. I was also thinking we could go to a BLM rally they are having at the University of Colorado Boulder campus on Friday. Feels like something to do. Something I should have done ages ago."
"I'm in!" He claps his hand together visibly relieved to have something to do.

I wish I could say this was the beginning of a spirited, intellectual conversation on racial equity and social justice but we just fooled around on his bed until his parents came home. Tina asks me to stay for dinner but I know that it is Dudders' night to cook and he makes the most delicious meals and I do not want to miss it. Jase and I make plans to hang out after practice the next day and I head home. Doug and Zach are hanging out in the living room. I stick my head in to say hi and then start to head up to my bedroom to do some homework. I turn when I hear Zach furiously whispering my name behind me.
"Why are you whispering?" I ask in a whisper.
"You need to come back in with me. You need to hang out with us. He is being really friendly and normal and hot and I am behaving like this is the first human interaction I have ever had. Honestly I am acting so stilted and strange it might be first human interaction I have ever had. Everything before today might have been a hallucination. Am I Nell? You know, from the movie Nell? Am I speaking English right now or is it just like feral grunts?" It comes out as a rushed and urgent whisper.
I place my hands on his shoulders, squatting so we are at eye level.
"First of all, take a deep breath" I take a deep, slow breath filling my lungs with air through my nose and releasing it through my mouth and I gesture with my hands that he should copy me.
He rolls his eyes while he does it but then he takes another one.
"Please come hang out with us?" He asks again "I don't want to ruin this before it has even started."
"You barely know Doug. You might not like him."
He rolls his eyes in response.
"I'm serious. He is getting to know you and you are getting to know him. So the question isn't whether Doug likes you- that's his business. The question is whether you like him."
"No the question is whether you will come sit with us."
"Fine." I relent and join them in the living room. Doug is sitting on the couch and Zach parks next to him. Ordinarily he would transfer out of his chair as quickly as possible after sitting in it all day. I join Doug on the couch.
"My homework can wait. What are you guys watching?" I ask Doug.
"This Australian show called Please Like Me. Zach's choice. It's really good so far. Have you seen it?" He smiles at Zach as he compliments his choice in show and suddenly I understand why Zach is so flustered. Doug is very handsome. Possibly the handsomest Doug in recorded history.
"Er yes" I respond, possibly a little flustered myself "Zach actually promised he wasn't going to move on to season 2 without me. It is really funny."
"Don't worry I didn't break the pact. I'm catching Doug up on season 1. I take binge partnerships very seriously." Zach says with mock solemnity.
"That bodes well for me" Doug jokes lightly.
Shit. Handsome and charming. Zach is in trouble.
We watch half an episode before Dudders and Marcia get home. Marcia invites Doug to stay for dinner and he excuses himself to let his parents know. He puts Marcia on the phone with his mom and she guarantees that Dudders will drive Doug home and make sure he gets there safe.
As we sit down for dinner I can tell that Zach has relaxed. After we eat, clear up and load the dishwasher Zach asks if he can show Doug his movies on his computer in his room. Dudders and Marcia exchange a look. I think it is weird for them to assume the role of responsible adults before they are even 30. Which explains why they choose to discuss it right in front of us.
"I mean, it's fine right? We let Aisha spend time in her room with her gentleman caller?" Dudders begins uncertainly.
"I mean, I guess. We definitely shouldn't have a double standard?" Marcia sounds equally uncertain.
"You know I actually should be getting home or my mom will have an aneurysm" Doug offers.
Marcia and Dudders are visibly relieved.
"Next time, Zach" Doug smiles at him and bends down to give him a hug before heading to pick up his book back. Dudders picks up his keys, gives Marcia a quick kiss and heads outside.
Zach leans back in his chair looking vaguely dazed. 
"I guess that means you do like him" I note with a smile.
"Uh yeah. I like him. And I have no idea what he sees in me but I am just going to enjoy this implausible ride."
"Good idea. I'm going to go up and actually start my homework. Good night." I walk over and give him a hug.
"Good night. Thank you so much for buffering."
"I have a feeling you won't ask me to do that ever again" I laugh as I head upstairs.

Do you know how ridiculous it feels
to correct you by reminding you
of my nerve endings being alive
of my ability to feel pain
of my presence in this world
of my body, like yours
but also not
but also not different in the way you think
How do we have this conversation?
Why is it my job to figure it out?
LOOK
look!
Look at me.

Part 25

"We should celebrate!" Marcia declares as we walk out on to main street. It is that time of year when spring is struggling through winter. The sky is clear, the sun is bright and the air is bitingly crisp. I cannot believe the news we just got.
"We should wait until I have the 6 week check up" My face feels stretched tight like I haven't smiled this big in forever. I can't stop.
"You're right. I mean, first round remission. No surgery. Nothing to celebrate at all. Totally not noteworthy in any way. It happens everyday." She shrugs as she rummages for her car keys.
"It's not definite. Let's wait until it is."
Marcia scoffs.


When I get home I go up to my room and stare at my violin propped up in the corner against the wall. My skateboard is in the garage. I've barely touched them for 3 months except for pulling out my violin once a week for half hearted practice out of guilt. I get off my bed and grab my violin and my tuner and tinker with it for a little bit. My Dad bought me my first violin when I was eight years old because his favourite Aunt played with an orchestra and she died the year I was born. I know I will never be a great musician but it is always a good feeling to work on a piece until you really get into it and get to know it. I warm up. I am an hour into practicing and have completely gotten into the music when I hear a knock on the door.


"Hey! That sounds beautiful." She says after I ask her to come in.
"Thanks" I turn to her and hold the violin by my side.
"Zach is here."
I am curious as I head down the stairs. I am excited to see him but we have never hung out outside of the centre and he didn't even call first.
"Hey, come in." I call to him from the foot of the stairs when I notice that he has parked his wheelchair in the hallway.
"Your living room is carpeted and my wheels are kind of dirty."
"Come into the dining room."
I move one of the chairs to allow him to settle into the dining room. I offer him something to drink and he declines. I sit down. His hair is wet and his V-neck sweater is soaked through. He looks tense and very nervous. An uncomfortable silence descends.
"What's going on Zach?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." He moves to leave.
"Wait. You're clearly upset about something. What's going on?"
"I um.... I was busted with Mike."
"Woah. Were you guys having sex?" I exclaim.
"What? No!" He looks distracted.
"Oh good. What happened?" Clearly I am missing something.
"They called my parents. They were upset. We talked for the first time in months and it was to tell me that they wouldn't pay for the home anymore if I didn't stop. They fired Mike."
"Oh God."
"Yeah."
"They also completely trashed the idea of me mainstreaming. It's like they only talk to me to let me know how much I have disappointed them."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. What could I say?" His voice raises defensively.
I don't suggest that he could have stood up for himself. Having heard a little bit about his family I doubt they are open to input from Zach on his life.
"I just needed to get away. I should have called." He apologizes.
"Nothing to be sorry about. Was it raining?"
"Yeah I got wet coming from the bus stop."
"You could have called for a lift." He doesn't reply but I notice that he is shivering slightly. I read somewhere that people with spinal chord injuries have difficulty regulating temperature. Sitting in wet clothes cannot be good for him.
"Do you want to dry off? I can put your clothes in the dryer. I'm sure Duds has something you can wear in the meantime."
He nods, still staring at the table.
I go into Marcia's bedroom and grab some of Dudder's workout clothes and a hoody and a towel from the linen closet. Marcia comes out of their bathroom in a robe.
"What's going on?"
"He's really upset. Do you think he could stay over? I'm getting him some clean clothes."
"Of course." She agrees easily and I am so grateful she doesn't pry.
I show Zach the guest room and start to help Marcia with dinner. Zach reemerges looking dryer and with some colour in his cheeks. I approach him and hold out my hands for the bundle of wet clothes in his lap. He hands them to me.
"Is there anything you need for tonight? Is the guest bedroom okay?" Marcia asks him turning from her task chopping onions to face him and wiping her hands on her apron.
He shoots me a puzzled look.
"I told her you would need to spend the night. That's it." I reassure him.
"But maybe you should tell me what is going on?" Marcia suggests sitting down at the breakfast nook.
I continue making dinner while Zach spills his guts to Marcia. I get filled in on a few more details since he is warmed up. When I hear a sob I turn to give him a hug which he returns with one arm burying his head into my neck. Marcia is patting his other hand comfortingly and this is how Dudders finds us.
"What is going on?" He is holding his raincoat.
Marcia fills him in on the details.
"Stay here." He suggests easily when he has heard the whole story. Like he is suggesting we have some wine with dinner. He puts the kettle on.
"I couldn't." Zach laughs it off.
"Why not? We have the guest bedroom. An extra mouth to feed won't bankrupt us. You are Aisha's friend. Look, I don't know your parents but they cannot try to dictate choices about who you love or how you go to school by threatening to take away food and shelter. That's ridiculous. Sounds like you're as good as disowned anyway, mate. Live here- go to Aisha's sub par high school, continue to date that guy or don't, work hard and go to University. Make a life. Your parents can be a part of it on your terms if they choose to but it will be your life." Dudders finishes making his cup of tea and takes a sip.
Marcia and I are staring at him with our mouths open. I've never seen him act so compassionately. I turn to Marcia who seems kind of..... turned on.
"Why don't we give them some time to talk about it?" I nod to Zach to follow me into the living room. He stops before he hits the rug.
"Oh" I realize pushing the ottoman aside and pulling out the rug "there."
"Thanks" He wheels next to the couch and transfers on to it. It is the first time I have seen him out of his chair. I try not to stare.
"Do you think you would want to?"
"What?" He asks dazed.
"Live here?" I prompt.
"I don't know." He answers wearily.
I understand that it has been a long day for him. I grab the remote and join him on the couch. We find a marathon of Firefly and settle in to watch.


After dinner and two more episodes of Firefly Zach excuses himself and heads to bed. I go into the kitchen to empty the dishwasher. Marcia and Dudders enter while I am putting away a dish.
"Thanks for letting Zach stay." I tell Marcia and I mean it. This morning's news means that I genuinely enjoyed dinner.
"You're welcome. We need to talk."
"Don't be mad at Dudders. That was really sweet of him to offer." I defend him.
"I'm not mad" She answers calmly "I genuinely want to talk about it. How do you feel about it?"
"When Dudders suggested it I was ashamed I hadn't. We can do this." I explain.
"I agree except that I don't think we should be encouraging him to cut off his parents so this is an option but he can also choose to keep the peace." Marcia says.
Dudders and I both nod.
"Sounds fair. Are you guys sure?" I ask.
"Our lives here are strange what's another room-mate?" Marcia laughs.


On Sunday we are having our weekly 'so disappointed we didn't make it to church' session where we sit around the kitchen table eating pancakes and flagellating each other for being heathens when Zach joins us.
"My Dad got on a plane last night so I'm going to head back to talk to him. He just landed. He wants to meet at the home." He announces glumly.
"Give me two minutes and I'll give you a lift" I offer unsure of what to say.
"Thanks."
Marcia offers him some breakfast and I head upstairs to get ready.
We sit silently in the car.
"So I got some good news" I start.
"Yeah?" I have never seen Zach looks so tense. He doesn't look like he got any sleep either.
"The treatment worked. I have to get another check up in like 2 months but I'm ostensibly cancer free."
"That's great!" He sounds genuinely happy.
I smile but keep my attention on the road.
"I get to see what you look like with hair."
"Even more stunningly beautiful if you can imagine that."
We laugh.
"What are you going to say to your Dad?" I ask.
"That's what I'm trying to decide. I could cave or I could stand my ground. Both seem kind of impossible."
"You have us. No matter what. You have somewhere to go."
"Thanks."
There isn't much to say after that. I don't know why but I decide to walk in with him; he doesn't ask me not to. There is an angry man standing at the reception wearing a suit. Zach introduces us to be polite but it is clear that no one has the energy to keep up pleasantries. I wave at Zach before turning my back on them. His Dad starts yelling before the door is even closed and suddenly I don't feel like I can leave. So instead I sit in the parked car. I listen to an episode of This American Life on my phone. When the episode is over I decide enough time has passed and I can check on them. They aren't in the lobby anymore. I head to Zach's room. You can hear his Dad shouting from the hallway. My parents were never big yellers so I am kind of scared for Zach. His Dad sounds out of control. Once I am close enough to hear what is being said it takes my breath away. I have never heard anyone being abused like that. I can't let anyone talk to my friend like that even if it is his Dad. I am reaching for the door when the door slides open and Zach is sitting there making his way out.
"You can't talk to me like that, Dad. I understand if you don't want to support me anymore but it isn't going to make me any less gay or any less paraplegic. I'm going to stay with my friend and you can talk to me any time you want but you cannot use those words." I step aside and he rolls by calmly into the hallway.
Before I turn to follow I look at his Dad who is now sitting on the bed deflated and defeated staring at his hands. I cannot help but feel sorry for him. I leave our address at the reception and make sure that they know who Zach is staying with and that they can tell his Dad if he asks. When I get outside Zach is waiting by the car looking kind of dazed. I open the car and he transfers inside.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He throws me an annoyed look.
"Dumb question. So that's your Dad?" I note as I reverse out of the parking spot.
"Yup that's him. Captain of Industry, functioning alcoholic and general jackass."
"He seemed lovely actually."
Zach laughs.
"I mean, slightly, shouty but he seemed nice." I continue.
I can feel Zach's body rocking with laughter in the seat next to me. As we head back into town I remember that I had plans with Jase to have lunch. I was going to tell him the good news and try to nail down plans for his birthday.
"Shit. Do you mind if we head into town instead of straight home? Jase had weekend practice and we were going to have lunch."
"No problem. You could just drop me off I don't want to be a 5th and 6th wheel."
"You deserve some delicious diner food after that display of courage."
"I guess I do." He stares out of the window.

My heart lifts a little when I spot Jase sitting by himself at a booth fiddling with his cane out of boredom. He sits up when he hears me approach. He tilts his head slightly trying to figure out if it is me.
"Hey" He stands to greet me opening up his arms inviting me in for a hug.
"How did you know it was me?" I wasn't close enough for him to smell me or anything. I settle in to the hug loving the way his arms feel around me.
"I heard Zach, actually. Hey man!" He turns his gaze to Zach's general direction and gives an awkward little wave.
"Hey" Zach says back "I don't know how you guys do it but something about the way you hug is very R rated" He jokes as he pulls up near the table and sets the brake on his chair.
Jase blushes but we both laugh. I slide in next to Jase in the booth.
Without prompting Zach fills Jase in on what just happened with his Dad. Jase listens with a thoughtful expression occasionally asking a question to clarify something. This is how I find out that Zach's mum is more understanding and loving toward her son but usually defers to his Dad to make decisions since he is the one with money. I also find out he lived with his grandparents when he was younger but was moved into the care home after his grandmother died. Zach's parents have never been able to take care of him but the money meant that he never moved into a care system. His Dad was driving the car when they got into the accident that broke his back.
"Was he drinking?" Jase asks.
"Yeah. He killed the woman driving the other car but he only got rehab, probation and a suspended license. My grandma hated that he didn't face the consequences of what he did but my grandfather was all about protecting the family name." Zach looks at his lap embarrassed.
"None of that is anything you should be ashamed of" Jase says reaching across the table for Zach's hand.
Zach seems surprised but stretches out his hand and puts it in Jase's.
I feel the urge to look away. I tighten my grip around the salt shaker. There is something about male tenderness that initially registers as obscene or too intimate and private. I force myself to look until it is beautiful. Until I am happy that Jase can reach out to his friends like that. I mean I know that part of it is tactile; it is easier for him to communicate connection that way.
"Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing for you to make your own life." Jase suggests.
"School will be much more fun with you" I join.
Zach gives Jase's hand a little squeeze and pulls away.
"I am thinking about it" Zach says clearing his throat "has Aisha told you the good news?"
"What good news?" Jase turns to me.
"My check up yesterday went really well. We'll know for sure in 8 weeks but it looks good." I answer.
Jase pulls me in for the biggest hug and follows it with a kiss. When we break he lifts his shades to wipe his eyes.
"Sorry. That is the best thing I have heard in a while." He laughs.
"Don't apologize. As long as you aren't crying because you are disappointed." I say hastily wiping away a tear.
We laugh much longer than the joke deserves.

We end up at Jase's house; his parents have been encouraging him to have friends over. Eli and Brett come over and get to meet Zach. Every one is hanging out in that listless way. Brett sets up Jase's brothers video game system. Eli and Zach talk about New York and I learn that Zach is obsessed with New York although he has never been.  We talk about the MoMA which is one of my favourite museums and it is obvious that Zach has spent more time reading, watching documentaries and thinking about art than any of us has. He talks more with his hands when he is excited.
"So what's your favourite piece?" Jase asks leaning forward in a way I now know means he is really interested in the answer. Like he will be able to catch it sooner.
"My parents have a Rothko reproduction hanging in the hallway of their house. When I was younger I used to take all my toys and play in the hallway so I could look up at it."
"Is that what made you want to be an artist?" Jase asks "Aisha told me you draw."
"I guess. I always just loved beautiful things. Which is a total gay cliché but there you go." Zach shrugs.
"If that's a gay cliche then, being sexually attracted to women aside, I'm pretty gay" Eli laughs.
"You are pretty gay" Brett offers from his spot near the television.
"Does someone want to play with me?" Brett asks "This is so boring without another person."
"I'll play" Jase offers.
Brett looks at me with his eyebrow raised but I just shrug.
"Don't look at me. We usually have better things to do than play video games when we hang out." I smile slyly.
All the boys make exaggerated disgusted sounds. Jase smirks.
"They make games that are integrated for visually impaired and sighted people. We can play this racing game my brother says has pretty decent graphics." Jase offers making his way to the television.
My phone vibrates, it's Marcia. I step out of the room to pick it up.
"Hey, are you and Zach on your way back?" She asks sounding vaguely anxious.
"We're hanging out at Jase's house. What's wrong?"
"Zach's dad is here. He is kind of drunk and he won't leave until he sees Zach. Dudders thinks he can talk him into letting him drive him back to his hotel but I thought we should run it by Zach? Tell him we can handle it either way and call me back?"
"Okay" I hang up and head back to the rec room.
"Hey Zach, can I talk to you for a second?" I ask smiling apologetically at Eli who was clearly very interested in whatever they were talking about.
"Your Dad is at home" I start without preamble, once we are in the hallway "Marcia called to ask if you want to see him or if Dudders should just give him a ride back to his hotel."
"He's drunk." It isn't a question but I nod.
"I should be the one to deal with this." Zach sighs and shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
"Hey" I put my hand on his knee and I squeeze "Dudders doesn't mind. You don't have to."
"He's my Dad" He sighs "Let's just say goodbye to every one and get back"
"Okay" I send him a small smile.

We can hear the shouting from the driveway. I am not proud of the shiver of fear that passes through me. Zach looks steady and resigned. I can't imagine what moments have lead him to being unfazed by this.
"I'm going to ask you about how you got so cool with this stuff one day." I comment as we get out of the car.
"Feels like home".
I can't see his face while he says it.
Once we enter the house I am almost impressed by his stamina. Dudders and Marcia look wilted by the tension in the house but Zach's Dad is energised by it.
He is on a roll.
I didn't think it was possible for him to gear up for more but when he spots Zach sitting in the corridor he finds the second wind I didn't even think he needed.
"You ungrateful little shit. You've always thought you were better than me. If I am so terrible who has paid for you cushy little fucking life? Who has paid for you to waste your time screwing the help? Or getting screwed by the help, should I say? Is my little boy a catcher? I've always thought you were a bitch. My son the faggy queen. The faggy crippled queen."
Zach recoils and his movement springs us all into action.
I move to stand in between them. Hoping to belatedly take some of the sting out of his words. Trying protect my friend.
Dudders stands up and carefully approaches him.
"You can't speak to him like that. Especially not in our home." Dudders insists grabbing his hand and leading him to the door.
Zach's Dad breaks free of his hold and swings with impressive accuracy for someone so drunk. Dudders stumbles backwards and his hands fly to his face.
"Just get out Dad. Just leave." Zach says gently pushing me out of the way and moving to face his father.
"You can't look at me?" He says sadly "You can barge in here and terrorise these people. Who, by the way, are willing to help me where you and Mum are not. You can yell and drink and you can punch people but you can't look at me. Look at me Dad!" He grabs his Dad's arm and pulls him toward him.
"I am going to live here. I am going to go to school and I am going to go to college and I am going to make a life and hopefully find a guy to share it with. A man to love. Because I love dudes. I am really sorry that this hurts you so much. You need to leave."
His Dad avoids eye contact as he staggers to the door and out on to the front garden. I don't want to but I follow him.
"Mr. Miller" I call out, my voice is hoarse and tentative.
He turns to face me. He looks like the wind has been knocked out of him.
"I'll call a taxi. Don't drive, okay?" I pull out my phone and begin to dial.
"Maybe if I get in the car I'll get it right this time. Maybe I'll die this time" He mutters to himself.
I give the address to the dispatcher.
"It'll be here in 5 minutes. Can I have your keys?" I ask.
He throws his keys in my general direction. I pick them up. He sits on the front lawn. I sit on the front steps. The cab is there in 5 minutes. I hand him his keys, watch as he makes his way into the taxi and go back into the house.
Dudders' nose isn't broken but he will have some very impressive swelling.
"I am so sorry" Zach looks up from his book and apologises for what has to be the millionth time.
We are all hanging out in the living room. Dudders is preparing for a class. Marcia is answering some emails and I am finishing up an English assignment. Dudders puts down the article he is reading and clamps his hand over Zach's mouth.
"Look, you aren't the only person in the world with terrible parents. My Dad is a lush as well. And it doesn't matter what it is, he would have found a reason to disapprove. My parents had a problem with Marcia. And look at her, mate! She's perfect! Don't apologise to me. Seriously it just reminds me of all the apologies I felt I owed the world for my Dad. We only get to say sorry for the stuff that we actually do. Okay?"
"Okay." Zach agrees with a smile.
"Darling, that is the longest speech I have ever heard you make. I think we need to go to bed. Immediately." Marcia encourages, putting her laptop away.

Part 24

"You look serious" Brett says as he approaches me.
I look up from my laptop. Maybe shopping online isn't the most productive use of study hall? Brett is 44 minutes late for the start of study hall and the supervising teacher doesn't even care. I would ask what Brett was doing but I now know that his answers are terrifying.
"What do you get for the guy who doesn't want anything? And also cannot see" I ask pulling my woolly hat off in frustration.
"You don't ask me. I hate shopping. Is is Jase's birthday?" Brett asks pulling out the chair opposite from me.
"It's our anniversary I want to get him something amazing" I explain.
"For six months?"
"Yeah. I get sappy sometimes" I say defensively.
"Okay. Are you going to the party tonight?" He asks.
"Party?" I ask distracted by the braille watch on-screen. Jase does not have a watch.
"Remember the track meet you came to? When Jase won all his events?" Brett asks me sarcastically.
"With the clapping and the cheering and the running?" I clarify.
He nods.
"Jase didn't tell me about a party," I note "Probably because I can't come." I joke.
"Chemo today?" He asks.
I shake my head.
"Just tired. As usual" I explain. Laughing as if I am not exhausted by my constant exhaustion. Even my laugh sounds tired.
"Why do you come to school?"
"If I wasn't here I would be missing out on this magical moment between us" I whisper conspiratorially.
Brett laughs in that easy way of his and immediately drops it.
 Maybe I should get him a clock? Romantic.
The bell rings and I start to pack up my stuff. Brett and I both head out into the corridor to go for our next class. I go to meet Jase at his locker. We are going to do Math homework together.
I wolf whistle when he bends over to pick up his backpack. He looks confused but smiles when I smack his bum.
"Careful, my girlfriend should be here any minute" He laughs.
He picks up his backpack and finds my elbow.
"So about the party tonight? Don't worry about inviting me. I can't come anyway" I am shooting for mock hurt with my tone but the real hurt is pretty obvious. And as soon as I say it I feel naked and vulnerable and stupid.
"I wasn't going to go" His tone doesn't betray that he heard the neediness in my voice.
"Yeah?" It comes out breezy with a strangled edge.
"Parties aren't fun without you" He squeezes my the crook of my elbow "Besides, I do not want to listen to Hannah and Brett making out all night. Do you know what it sounds like?"
"Don't judge. We probably sound like that" I joke. The knot in my chest is gone. We are fine. I can breathe.
"I wouldn't want to listen to us make out either" He says pensively.
After school we  go to my house and do our math homework together. Jase is improving. He had a 'blind kid care and maintenance' debrief with the teacher and she has been much better about explaining what she is writing down on the blackboard.
"You should go to the party" I say after we have been at it for an hour. Ah the romance of calculus.
"Huh?"
"You should go. You are the star of the team. Those guys are becoming your friends. Isn't it like bad juju to miss a team event?"
"Juju?" He laughs.
"You know what I mean"
"You're probably right. Come with me?"
"Unless it is napapalooza it probably isn't my kind of party. Just make an appearance."
It takes a bit more cajoling but he agrees to go. Dudders, Marcia and I have dinner and hang out for a little while hearing about Dudders' classes. It isn't a school night so I settle down with my laptop in bed to watch a movie. I am just trying to decide between the Avengers and Harold and Kumar go to white castle when my phone rings. It's Hannah.
"Hey" I answer.
"Hi. Aisha. I think you should come over here. Jase is being weird" She says trailing off.
"What do you mean weird? Like drunk? Just take him home" I say impatiently.
"We've tried. Just come okay" She hangs up exasperated.
I throw on a pair of jeans. shoes and grab a jacket. Marcia and Dudders are making out on the couch. Actually it has gone slightly past making out she clears her throat when I notice that Dudders' hands are down Marcia's pants.
"Guys. I am going to go out for a bit. You just carry on with what you are doing. I'll be back in a bit" I giggles.
Marcia vaguely mumbles her assent.

It doesn't take me very long to walk down to the party. It is only a couple of streets down from our house. I immediately see what Hannah's definition of 'weird' is. Jase is definitely drunk and just a hair away from making a total ass of himself. A smile hello at the people I recognize trying hard to seem like I had just come to the party to hang out and not to rescue my drunk boyfriend from himself.

"Hey Jase" His ears prick up when he hears my voice, like always. It is beyond cute.
"Aisha!" He says a bit too loud hugging me and nearly knocking me over with the force of his hug and with his beer breath.
"Hey. Are you ready to leave?"
"I don't want to go" He says petulantly.
"Yeah it looks like fun but I'm really tired and I missed you" I lean into him and say it softly. I'm improvising. His hand grabs my ass.
"Okay"
Hannah waves at me miming that she will call me later. Jase and I head outside. The cool evening seems to sober him up a little bit.
"They said I had to do shots to be a part of the team. It was like an initiation" Jase says or it is what I think Jase says. It is pretty garbled.
"Well, you did it." I note.
"I am very drunk" He says sadly.
"I don't want any girl that isn't you" He declares.
"Cool. I don't want any boy that isn't you" I say casually. I pick up his sunglasses and pocket them.
"My mum is going to be so angry when I get home"
"You can sleep at mine. We'll say you slept over at Bright's. You can send her a text now."
Jase reaches into his pocket for his phone and drops it.
"I'll get it" I say as he bends down to find it "I'll send the text."
A drunk Jase is a very blind and very clumsy Jase. He left his cane somewhere so I have to lead him extra carefully still I wince when he hits his shin against a mailbox really hard. That is most definitely going to bruise. He doesn't seem to notice. He slows down a bit and I am just about to ask why when he just leans over and throws up. It gushes out of him like a waterfall. Some of it gets on his shoes. He doesn't seem to notice; in fact he seems relieved as he straightens out and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. He then steps in his own vomit. I am fighting back the nausea now.
We get back to my house without further incident. I manage to sneak him in and put him to bed. I put him in my room. I tell myself that it is because I do not want him to drown in his own vomit, although I don't exactly relish the thought of him throwing up on me or in my bed. I just don't want him to wake up somewhere unfamiliar I call his brother and get him to back up our story. I watch Jase sleep for a bit but I limit myself to like 2 minutes so I can pretend I am not a total creeper. I watch him snoring lightly and realize that the look of concentration he wears all day long is gone. He looks totally relaxed. I think about the enormity of loving something and what a miracle it is that we can carry it lightly; that it doesn't knock us out what a big job it is to be loving toward someone. I don't mean the feeling but the patience, the kindness, the goodness, the gentleness, the humility it takes to love someone. Are we ready for that? Could I commit to a lifetime of that if it was with Jase?
I stop myself because it is ridiculous. We are sixteen. I should be grateful my jock boyfriend did not throw up on me. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

It feels like five minutes later when I am woken up by the sound of Jase falling out of bed and cursing.
"Are you okay?" I scramble to the edge of the bed and try not to giggle when I see him collapsed in a heap on the floor. He looks like a hot mess.
"Aisha?" He asks.
"Hi" I say calmly.
"Where am I?"
"My room. Need a hand?"
"Um. Yes."
I go over and help him up and put his hand on the bed so he can locate it. He sits down after a while.
"Do you want some coffee, some water?" I offer.
"Where are my pants?" He asks sheepishly.
I hand him his pants. He slowly puts them on and then sits on the bed.
"So the last thing I remember is doing shots as an initiation?"
"Yeah. Hannah and Bright called and I brought you home."
"I'm so sorry. You didn't have to come."
I shrug.
"I smell vomit?" He asks.
"You threw up on the street. Some of it got on your shoes."
He responds by groaning and crawling back into bed and falling asleep again. I head out and take a shower as I have chemo today. I head downstairs to eat some breakfast even if I do not want to. I make some oatmeals. I always feel a little robotic before chemo appointments but I am looking forward to hanging out with Zack. I am reading at the kitchen counter when Marcia and Dudders come in for breakfast.

"Eggs?" Marcia offers.
"Oh God. No thank you" I reply determinedly.
"Yes please" Dudders mocks my intonation with a teasing smile. I roll my eyes at him.
"What time do you start today?" Dudders asks.
"9am" I reply.
"And what time will Jase be leaving?" Marcia asks innocently.
"He's still asleep" I reply keeping my eyes fixed on my oatmeal.
"Do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees and chemotherapy babies?" Martha asks.
Dudders spits out his coffee laughing.
"No need, thank you"
"Sure?"
"Mum already took care of this so we are fine on the education front."
"Well sweetie, when a man loves a woman very much he puts his penis inside her vagina.." Dudders begins.
"Oh my God!" I scream covering my face with my hands.
Marcia is laughing.
I hear a sound from my bedroom and excuse myself to see if Jase has woken up. He has. He is cautiously making his way to my door. I've seen him do this without a cane before but I guess his hangover makes everything slightly harder. I approach him and tap his arm to let him know I am ready to lead. He grabs my elbow.
"Thanks" He says.
"No worries"
"Want some breakfast?" I offer.
"That'd be great" He says quietly.
A few minutes later Jase has had a cup of coffee and is slightly revived. He offers to come with me to chemo. Half an hour later I am all hooked up and Jase and I are talking about our homework when Zach wheels up.
"This must be the famous Jase. Nice to finally put a face to the name" He grins.
"And you must be Zach. Nice to finally put a voice to the name." He grins at his bad joke.
Zach laughs.

You know when two people who you really like spending time with meet each other and you have this pang of anxiety because there is the chance that they will not get along? To be honest I do not know if Zach and Jase will ever be best friends. I can feel Jase stiffen up a little when it is clear that Zach did not just stop by to say hi. I think it is so weird that I am attuned to his little giveaways. After a beat of awkward silence Zach clears his throat to speak.
"So there is progress with Mike." He starts.
"Who's Mike?" I ask.
"The cute orderly. With the face?" Zach prompts impatiently.
"Oh. Face guy! You talked to him?"
"I did." Zach says smugly.
"And?"
"And. He's working here to make money for college. He is going to be pre-med. He lives just outside Everwood. I just can't get an accurate read on him; I wasn't sure if we were flirting or he was being friendly."
"Would a friend be the worst thing?" I ask.
"I guess I could call him and plan to hang out.." Zach muses.
"You have his number?" Jase asks.
"Yeah" Zach answers.
"Did he give it to you or did you ask him for it or did he ask for yours?" Jase clarifies.
"He gave me his. To hang out. Why?" Zach asks.
"I'm not an expert but that is pretty flirty to just leave your number with someone." Jase explains.
"You think so?" Zach leans forward in his chair chewing on his thumb nervously.
"Yeah, I think you are in the go-zone?" Jase laughs.
"The go-zone?" I laugh.
"The bone zone?" He offers.
"Please stop." Zach and I groan together.
"I mean, there are other issues to consider." Zach muses.
"Like?" I ask.
"Like the um. My differently abled-ness." He laughs and tries to pass it off as a joke but it is clearly something he has given a lot of thought.
"Well if he is cool with it you should just let him be cool with it and if he isn't you'll find out. Either way there's not much use in worrying about it." Jase says. His voice bears no trace of pity but his words sound kind of harsh to me.
Zach is nodding appreciatively so I decide to drop it.
"What's it like at school?" Zach asks Jase.
"It's not perfect but the administration is genuinely trying at the mainstreaming thing so they're willing to listen. Regular high school is much better than I expected" He throws a smile in my direction and I reach out and take his hand.
"Where did you go before?" Zach continues. He angles his chair toward Jase clearly very interested in continuing the conversation.
"I went to a school for the blind. There isn't one nearby so when we moved I was kind of mainstreamed by default."
"Would you have gone to a school for the blind if there had been one?" I ask realizing I had never considered the possibility that Jase would go to another school.
"Probably. I was happy at my old school and it was a lot easier. I never felt like the 'blind guy' before. It has taken a little getting used to." He answers thoughtfully.
"I got the information about transferring but I don't know. Obviously it is different that for you Jase but I've never been to any high school, regular or otherwise."
"Well it's obviously up to you but I don't see any reason why you should be cooped up here with old people and a tutor" Jase shrugs.
"My wheelchair?" Zach suggests.
"You're in a wheelchair?!" Jase exclaims.
Zach bursts out laughing. He has this adorable laugh that starts out hesitant, like he is surprised to be laughing but then hey!, he is and it feels good. I can't help but join in.
"I mean it, I didn't notice!" Jase pushes the joke.
"You know what I mean.." Zach presses.
"It's hard being different. It can be a pain in the ass having to always prove that being blind isn't a big deal."
"Yeah but the school is totally accessible and you will have friends. Me, Jase and we'll introduce you to our other friends." I add trying to soften Jase's harsh words.
"Anyway, I'm thinking about it."
After Marcia comes to pick us up and we are driving back I confront Jase.
"Why were you such a Debbie downer with Zach? I think normal school would be good for him."
"I do too. He thinks it would be good for him too. He wasn't asking me to hear more reasons why it would be good."
"What do you mean?"
"He was asking me because he wanted me to tell him the truth. That it will be hard."
"You don't know that." I insist.
"Gay and in a wheelchair? I do know that." He says. His voice is hard.
"You're fine. You're better than fine. You're on the track team you are one of the most popular guys at school."
"Yeah and that wasn't easy to do."
"Yeah but being a teenager is hard. Life is hard."
"Yeah and being a teenager who is different is harder."
"I don't know what we are arguing about."
"I'm telling you that it is hard for me to be blind around sighted people."
"I know it is. I shouldn't be arguing with that. I'm sorry."
Jase accepts my apology easily but I am irked by the thought that Jase could give Zach answers that I couldn't. That he has an experience of the world that I will always be outside of. That, worse than that, if sighted people are the enemy and the sighted world is the difficulty, then I am part of the problem.

I think of you, first,
I look for your face
Whenever anything good happens
I think of you, first,
And all the loves who come after,
Will come after,
I think of you, first.

Part 23

I pull up the sleeves on Jase's letterman jacket as I approach my locker. The thing is huge on me but the dumb grin he wore on his face as he pulled it on me this morning is going to be worth shoving the sleeves up all day at school. Only steady girlfriends get to wear the jackets on the day of a pep rally. I smile at Hannah who is waiting at my locker. Jase's jacket is a little big for me but poor Hannah is absolutely drowning in Brett's jacket. I try, and fail, to stifle my mirth.
"I know. I look ridiculous" She sighs.
"We both look ridiculous"
"No. I look ridiculous. You are almost puling it off. How do you look so good all the time?"
"A natural gift" I say sardonically swinging my imaginary hair.
Hannah laughs "Before you get a big head I said you almost pulled it off"
"Ready to go cheer on her boys?" Her voice is falsely cheery.
"So you don't like Mackenzie?" I ask throwing some stuff into my locker. Hannah pursed her lips so tight when she first met Brett's spirit aide they disappeared.
"No. I do not like Mackenzie at all and she is flirting with Brett and Brett thinks I am being unreasonable but she is a cheerleader, Aisha. And we all know what that means?"
"We really don't" Aisha jokes but swallows hard to fight a dizzy spell and rising nausea.
"It means she is hell bent on stealing my man is what it means" Hannah says seriously as we walk to the quad where the pep rally is going to be held.
"Yeah well what can we do? Without seeming like jealous bitches completely devoid of school spirit?" I ask.
She sighs.
"Who is a jealous bitch completely devoid of school spirit?" Eli asks as he rounds a corner to join his friends. He notes how tired Aisha looks and quietly takes her tote off her shoulder. She throws him a grateful smile.
"We are just plotting how to get rid of the spirit aides" Hannah says.
"Easy. Send them my way. I will happily take them off your hands" He rubs his hands gleefully.
Hannah smacks him.
They arrive in the quad and everything was decorated festively. The marching band was standing ready to begin and almost the entire student population was chatting in the quad waiting for it to start.
"Oh hey Aisha!" Taylor yelled as she bounded over "How are you today? Did you see the Vampire diaries last night?" She asks cheerfully.
I told her I am going to watch it tonight. We schedule a time to chat about it and I introduce her to Hannah who turns to me with a raised eyebrow when Taylor bounds away to join the other cheerleaders.
"What was that about?" She asks almost accusingly.
"I figure if we are friends she might not be inclined to..."
"Seduce Jase?"
I nod shamefaced.
"I like it when you are as petty and jealous as I am" She laughs.
"I can't help it. Her hair is just so shiny".
Our conversation is interrupted by the Coach standing at the podium. He says some stuff about how amazing our team is and everybody cheers. I watch Jase standing up there laughing at something Brett just whispered in his ear. Brett catches my eye and waves at me and Hannah. We wave back. He whispers something to Jase and he waves at us. Kind of.
I am feeling terrible as I stand there but I swallow again and focus on Jase. The next fifteen minutes drags on for an eternity and I need to sit down.
"Are you okay?" Hannah asks as I try to discreetly move out of the crowd and sit on something.
No, I have cancer I cannot help but think. Instead of saying that I smile and mime that I am finding somewhere to sit.
And I find somewhere to sit. And I focus on my breathing and not passing out or throwing up until it is over.
Brett brings Jase over and then runs off with Hannah.
"Are you okay?" Jase's face crumples with concern.
"No. I don't think I can drive. I'm sorry"
He squeezes my hand "Don't worry about it. I'll call my Mum"
And he does but Eli comes over and offers to drive us home. They drop me off and everything hurts and I am exhausted and tired of being sick. And then I fall asleep.
I don't get up the next day. No one bothers me. I stay in bed and watch old episodes of the OC on my laptop in between naps. I think about my parents.
I get up the next day but I don't go to school. I wander from room to room in the house. I take two showers. I paint my toenails. Marcia comes to pick me up for chemo and I get in the car wordlessly. She says things to me and I make all the right noises in response. I can't really hear her.
"Hey" Zach approaches me as we walk into the facility.
"Hey" I say as I walk into the room where I am usually set up. I sit down, remove the feeder tube for my catheter and lean back prepared to take a nap.
"You look tired" Zach notes as he enters the room.
"Cancer will do that to you" I answer wearily.
"You had cancer last week and you were fine. You've just hit a wall"
"What do you know about it?"
"I've been here a while, watched a lot of patients come and go. It's just a rough patch"
"Oh okay then" I say with mock relief.
"Lets go sit in the garden..It'll make you feel better"
I still feel awful but the garden is beautiful and as annoying as he is; Zach is absolutely right. It's a rough patch and I need to actively try to make it a little better.
I follow him using the pole to support myself. We get to the garden and sit in silence for a little bit.
"Still bummed out?" He asks.
"Yeah. I mean, the garden is nice but not that nice"
"I know some knock-knock jokes?" He suggests.
I scoff.
"Knock knock" He begins.
"Who's there?" I acquiesce pulling my robe around me.
"Cash"
"Cash who?"
"No thanks, but I would like a peanut." He finishes smirking in my direction.
I chuckle.
"Knock knock" He begins again
"Who's there?"
"Thermos"
"Thermos who?"
"Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this"
Another chuckle.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Howl"
"Howl who?"
"Howl you know unless you open the door?"
"Moron" I say but I am laughing.
He smiles with satisfaction and I realize that he has done it. I am cheered up.
"Why are you here anyway?" I ask him.
"What do you mean?" He asks shifting uncomfortably and pretending to be obtuse.
"Are you dying? Coalescing? Re-habing? What?" I ask bluntly.
"That was blunt"
"Stop evading"
"Fine. It's complicated but basically my parents don't want me. Which makes me not want them so its just simpler this way"
"Simpler is living in an institution full of sick dying people? With no one your own age? And not going to school? Has your family never heard of boarding school?"
He laughs.
"Actually that was the idea I was waiting here before heading off and this just became semi-permanent. I like it here."
"Really?"
"I came out and they are not speaking to me so I kinda feel like I am lucky to have anywhere to live. They pay for this place. They pay for this place and my tutor.." He trails off.
"They're not de-gayifying you here. Are they?" I ask horrified.
"No. Just babysitting" He laughs.
"You should come to school. To our school" I suggest.
"It's kinda far" He reasons.
"You could take the bus."
"This afternoon was supposed to be about you" He laughs.
"Okay. We can talk about me"
"How is school?"
"Fine. Jase has some girl with freaking perfect hair following him around now. Its whatever"
"Isn't he blind? What does he care about her hair?" He sounds legitimately confused.
"He doesn't. It's just this constant reminder that he has enough on his plate. He doesn't need me. He needs simple; like Taylor."
"I think he decides what he needs."
"Which would be fine if I wasn't so invested in something outside of my control."
"Yeah" He agrees.
"Are you in a relationship?" I ask.
"We are talking about you."
"Okay. We've been together 2 months."
"Is that something people celebrate?"
"It's my longest relationship."
"Then you should celebrate." He says simply.
The conversation meanders from there. We talk about music, boys and I tell him more about my school. We watch the birds on the bird feeder and the time passes quickly. A nurse's aide comes to get me and I am unplugged and I chat with Dudders on the way home. And I am still sick but I think that I am going to be okay.